Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

A bit of British Humour — October 18, 2017

A bit of British Humour

I read a post a short time ago by the wonderful Debby where she used a writing prompt from a journal she bought. This inspired me to buy my own but on a totally different subject (mine is all about cultivating joy and well-being).

The prompt for yesterday was to write a joke. Hmmm, I am not good at jokes, unless they are very rude or very silly. I love the ‘knock knock’ jokes, and the ‘what do you call?’ ones. As in:

‘What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?’ Answer: Doug!

‘What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?’ Answer: Douglas!! (it’s all in the pronunciation)!

I won’t bore you with any others as they are really old jokes and not that funny unless you are me, who finds them hilarious!

Anyway, I decided that as I couldn’t tell any jokes I would talk a little about British humour instead.

The first thing that springs to mind is the fact that we love innuendo, double entendre, and a good pun (or even a bad pun, anything goes)! The ‘Carry On Films’ are a veritable feast if you like that kind of thing, with their silly storylines, and crazy character names such as a surgeon named Dr Carver, and a young doctor called Dr Nookey ( a British euphemism for sex). I’m thinking this must have had an early subconscious influence on my choice of career! They always had such fun in the hospitals in these films.

The Sun Newspaper loves puns and innuendoes too, and they have had some famous (or infamous) headlines over the years. For example, when Elton John and David Furnish married, their headline was ‘Elton Takes David Up The Aisle’ and ‘How Do You Solve A Problem Like Korea’ which needs no explanation!

Sarcasm features pretty heavily in our humour armoury too and it is always appreciated whenever we hear it. Comments like’ I’m returning your nose, dear, I found it in my business’ and one (of many) from Winston Churchill ‘ I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!’ Another favourite is when parents say things like, ‘I think you have forgotten to put a skirt on’ or ‘can you plaster on any more makeup?’ to their teenaged daughters when they are going out!

This can get a bit confusing though as sometimes we say something straight-faced but mean the exact opposite, such as ‘Oh, lovely’ it’s raining again, I can’t wait to go out in it!’ or even worse. ‘Yes, green is definitely your colour’ when it is obvious that it looks hideous!Mind you, it could be worse if they went the whole hog and said that ‘green is definitely your colour, it matches your complexion!’

One of my favourite types of humour is the observational kind. We have several comedians who are brilliant at this, Michael McIntyre and Peter Kaye are so good at turning the ordinary situations into massive belly laughs!

We have a fixation about class too, and that often comes out in our humour. There was a famous Monty Python Sketch that they showed us at Uni about the British Class system which you can see here.

I suppose our most common type of humour is the self-deprecating type, of the hapless idiot always messing things up. We do love to put ourselves down, then have a major complex if anyone agrees with us. What a mixed-up lot we are!

I hope I have managed to give you some laughs despite the rubbish jokes at the beginning!

Are We Too Clean? — October 17, 2017

Are We Too Clean?

You may remember some time ago I wrote about my mum’s attitude that ‘A little bit of dirt never killed anybody’. This was in regards to her cavalier disregard for sell-by dates.kitchen cleanliness and other such pleasantries!

To add to this, I remember only having a bath once a week (on a Sunday night fresh for school on Monday), and it was either in with my younger sister, or somebody else’s second-hand water! We didn’t think anything of it really at that time, as we still washed, just didn’t bathe!

Of course, becoming teenagers was a whole new ballgame. We were never out of the bathroom! Mum would be vexed that we would only wear our clothes once and then chuck them in the wash. Apart from underwear, she was convinced that our clothes still had another day or two left in them before they got dirty enough to warrant washing.

She thought we were crazy washing our hair every day as well, telling us that it ‘would wash all the goodness out of it’. We still did it anyway, and got through a job lot of shampoo and conditioner along the way.

According to a survey of 2021 women commissioned by Flint + Flint (A skin care company) four out of five women still don’t bother to shower every day, and in fact one-third will go for three days without washing at all. Phewwwww, I bet things get a bit whiffy around the nethers. How gross!

Like most women I know, I bathe every day, and many times more often than that. I would never dream of going to work without first bathing, which is one of the reasons I get up so early. In my opinion, it is not just about personal pride, but consideration for others as well. I have to get pretty close to my patients, and I am sure they would not want to be a couple of inches from an unwashed armpit – or worse!

By the same token,when I worked in a hospital,  we would wash our patients every day, for their self-respect and dignity as well as the obvious infection control measures. Most of us actually feel better when we are clean, with washed hair and fresh clothes.

I am not averse to a bit of dirt either. Kids like to play in the mud and get filthy, as it is so much fun. I think if we obsessively clean everything to within an inch of its life, then we run the risk of not building up any resistance, and catching everything going! It is about balance and common sense.

Are we too clean or should we leave it 3 days between washes?

Another Gym Experience and What I Gained — October 16, 2017

Another Gym Experience and What I Gained

As some of you may know, in my quest for a healthier lifestyle, I have decided to take matters in hand, and embark on losing weight and getting fit. I wrote about my experience last week when I went for the induction at the gym and how I didn’t even get to go on any of the equipment here,

[clickToTweet tweet=”Then the next disastrous episode when I ended up coming home minus my hairbrush and water bottle #loser” quote=”Then the next disastrous episode when I ended up coming home minus my hairbrush and water bottle,”] not to mention my pride which you can read about here.

I had still been all fired up with enthusiasm during last week, and did my best to eat some tasty and healthy meals cooked from scratch, some of which I even made myself!

Then along came Saturday; I woke up feeling a bit grotty and throaty. I was worried that I might be coming down with the awful cold that had been doing the rounds which I could not get away from. Mt Grump and Miss Hap both had it as well as some of my fellow Uni students.

My sister and her husband had invited us around to play a ‘Beat the Into’ game which is just sort of thing that I enjoy. I am pretty good on music that is decades old, as I might have mentioned before. Anyway, there were going to be snacks, and she told me that there was some special stuff for me due to me watching what I was eating.

I gorged on everything! Yes, I have no self-control when there are goodies to be had. I put it down to me feeling rough which worsened as the night wore on, despite us having such a laugh playing the game.

Sunday I was in the throes of a full-blown cold and sore throat, but that did not deter me from eating the ‘wrong foods.’ I needed white bread toast to scratch my throat as it went down for some relief. I had to make myself feel better by eating the type of comfort food that I am trying to avoid.

I was not as bad as I could have been; no chocolate or stodgy meat puddings, but not the lean, healthy, low-fat food I should have been eating. Add to that the stress of a test on Human Anatomy and Physiology which I could barely concentrate on to revise without a bit of ‘brain food’ and you can guess where this is heading!

Thursday I got weight and had put on a kilo. Bugger! It was not good, but at least I was starting to feel better and was getting back on track. Today I went to the gym as I had a quick meeting with my instructor to see how I had been getting on.

That was a bit embarrassing as I hadn’t even been since last week as I felt too rough! Anyway, just before I went, I found the hairbrush I thought I had lost last week, which was tucked into one of my trainers, so that was a result!

The only problem was, where was my white Superdry hoodie? Nowhere to be found, so it seemed. Mr Grump dropped me off, and this week there was no bag, just a water bottle ( a new one), towel and phone.

I got the card activated and just enquired about my water bottle and hoodie by chance, and as luck would have it, the hoodie had been handed in. How the hell could I have lost that, as it is not exactly small?!

Anyway, I dug out my programme and sat on the bike ready for my workout. I couldn’t get the bloody thing to work. After pressing all the buttons and getting the tv to work (not much good with no headphones), there was still no details that I wanted such as the time and levels etc.

Looking around for someone to help, perched on the bike, a friend walked past with her daughter, both of whom work at the hospital where I used to work. After a greeting and a hug, me still perched on the bike, I asked them if they knew how to do it but no luck. I got off it and went to the one next to it.

I finally got that to go and gave my friend the thumbs up sign as she came past again to leave!! Everything else went ok until it was time for the dreaded rowing machine! There is a bit of mutual hatred going on there. It punishes me dreadfully, and today I tried hard to master it and get the workout done as soon as I could.

I got cramp in my stomach! I had barely done 500m and cramp set in so; I tried nonchalantly to get off and stretch a bit despite being out of breath and my stomach tying itself up in knots.

I talked to the instructor about it, and after eyeing my rather sizeable stomach, she decided that perhaps I should have some extra time on the treadmill in future for a while and cut out the rowing machine.

So this visit, at least I gained things as well as lost them,1kg, extra time on the treadmill and my hoodie were gained, and I lost the rowing machine from my programme until I get a bit fitter!!! At least I came home with everything I went with this time and more.

#FundayMonday Tittle-Tattle —

#FundayMonday Tittle-Tattle

Today’s video poem is all about a good old gossip, or tittle-tattle if you prefer.   Whether it be over the garden fence with a neighbour, or by the photocopier in the office, many of us have indulged in it at some time or another.

 

If you enjoyed those poems, and have time for a cuppa then you might like to check out my book  Rhymes of the Times. It has many more poems like this and is perfect for dipping in and out of when you fancy a little pick-me-up.

 

Rhymes of the Times

 

 

Click here to be taken to my author page where you can purchase the book.

 

The Gym Experience and What I Lost! — October 15, 2017

The Gym Experience and What I Lost!

As some of you may know, in my quest for a healthier lifestyle, I have decided to take matters in hand, and embark on losing weight and getting fit. I wrote about my experience last week when I went for the induction at the gym and how I didn’t even get to go on any of the equipment here.

Well, I got myself geared up and down the gym for 9 am bright and early and raring to go. I had the bag packed with most of the stuff I needed from last week still, and just added the extras that I thought I might need.

I saw the same lovely lady as I saw last week. She and I seemed to get on well and share the same warped sense of humour.

First things first, she showed me the changing rooms which were quite large and roomy and decked out with plenty of lockers. She eyed my huge bag and pointed out the bigger lockers for my convenience. I was then to put my stuff away, and she would meet me in the gym.

Already dressed in my workout gear, it was just a case of putting my stuff in the locker, and I was ready to get active! Well, I started sooner than expected trying to ram my bag into the locker. Despite it being a large locker, the bag kindly donated by Mr Grump was one of those that you can use to carry luggage in. It has wheels on the bottom and pull out handle so it can be trundled if heavy. There was no way I was going to wheel my bag into the gym, as I would like a right plum.

Anyway, as the bottom of the bag was so rigid, I spend a fair few minutes trying to shove it into the locker and slam the door. It was not working, and I was getting hot and bothered already! Finally, I put it on its side and shut the bloody thing away.

The exercise bike was our first stop, and I hopped up eagerly, keen to get started. Well after two minutes I could barely talk and thought my heart was going to explode right there and then. My instructor turned the resistance down (right down), and told me to ease up a bit as I was working too hard! (I think that was her polite way of saying that I was unfit)!

After the longest ten minutes, I then wobbled over to the treadmill for a bit more punishment. Now, I do not have the best record with treadmills having fallen off one many years ago which you can read about here, but I put all of that behind me and started walking.

Luckily, I redeemed myself a bit here as she turned up the speed several times as well as the gradients as I was ‘too comfortable! ‘ Not so on the barbaric rowing machine though. To my utter shame and humiliation, I could only manage five minutes on it.

The rest of the workout involved the toning up and strengthening equipment which wasn’t too bad. Then that was it; my hour was up. My face was tomato coloured, my skin slick with sweat and I scuttled off quickly to the changing rooms after thanking my torturer for the workout!

After wrestling with the locker several times, putting stuff in, taking stuff out, trying to close the locker, then forgetting something else, I was getting very wound up. When I realised that I had left my lovely blue water bottle out, I decided that I would leave it by the locker while I had a shower.

Now, this was something I was looking forward to. We don’t have a shower at home, just a bath which is lovely, but is not as quick or convenient, especially for washing hair! As you can imagine, my hair was rather sweaty.

I was bitterly disappointed, The shower was one of those that go off every twenty seconds or so, There was no temperature control, and it was rather hot (now I love a hot bath, but this was nigh on scalding)! Added to that there was a powerful stream in the middle which I thought might cave my head in such was the pressure (not that I could stay under it for long anyway, and on the outside, a few wisps and fine spray was the best I was going to get. It took a while.

I get myself changed and luckily am the only one in the changes rooms, and brush my wet hair, glad of the coolness and wetness of it as I was still boiling. I thought I had better dry it though as it was cold out. Another lady walked in just as I picked up the hair dryer which didn’t work. I nonchalantly picked up my bag of stuff and headed off for the reception to pay for my new membership.

The reception was quiet, and I asked if anyone had handed in my water bottle as I realised I didn’t have it before I left. They hadn’t. Just as I was paying, and halfway through the transaction, the whole computer system went down, and the receptionist had to call someone out to help her.

By now, of course, several other people had arrived, all skinny. A lot of eye-rolling was going on as they looked at each other than at me, and I wanted to get out of there. After a while, I was handed my receipt as apparently that part had gone through but as she would have to re-enter the whole lot again for her records or something, she hurriedly gave me my membership card and told me I would have to get it activated next time I came.

When I got home, I yanked everything out of the bag, deciding that next time I will forget the shower and bag and wait till I got home. After I had sorted everything out, I realised that I had also lost my new hairbrush I had taken with me God knows where that went!

To top it off, in the evening I looked through all the classes that were available and decided I would love to have a go at the Power Hooping, as I have previously dallied with a hula hoop. I went on the website to book up, but of course, I was unable to and had to phone up.

The classes were this Saturday morning at the stadium which is very close to where I love so I thought that would be perfect. Well, of course, it wasn’t as the membership I have does not cover me for both the sites even though they come under the umbrella of the Leisure Trust for my town.

At least the lady I spoke to was lovely and gave me a PIN number for my membership card which I had been told nothing about (Because I had a GP referral, I was not sure how it worked but thought I had paid membership for all classes)! I phoned up the original sports centre where I joined, and it seems the phones are all down as I could not get to speak to anyone no matter how many times I tried calling.

I am trying to be positive although I do not think I am cut out for the gym. I will stick with it though as I do hope that with this and the healthier food choices, I will lose some weight rather than some of my possessions!

Another Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody! —

Another Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody!

Further the post I wrote here, my younger sister reminded me of a story that I had forgotten to include, and although it is pretty stomach-churning, it did make me laugh so here it is….

Mum had made a corned-beef hash, which although we didn’t have very often we were looking forward to. Anyway she had left it to cool off on the worktop for a little while. As she was about to dish up she suddenly screeched,

“Where’s me teeth”? She had this little plastic plate with 4 or 5 false teeth on which she used to take out now and again when they started to chafe, and they would sit on the table or window sill, wrapped in a tissue until she needed them to eat! My sister and I searched the kitchen without success, We couldn’t understand where they had gone As a last resort we decided to check the corned-beef hash, as it was not unusual for a bit of fag ash to land up in the food so why not a denture!

As it happened, the teeth were not in the hash, but the obligatory ants were! Yes, they had found their way into the hash that had been left uncovered, and had dived on in! Yuk! That was yet another meal that had no takers, fussy as we all were! Oh, and Mum’s teeth turned up in the kitchen rubbish bin! As a last resort we went through it, and there they were in a soggy filthy tissue, buried beneath tea bags, potato peelings and other assorted nasties. Mum was thrilled, a quick rinse under the tap, and she popped them back into place!

My nephew when he was young, also shared my mum’s casual attitude to dirt and used to love grubbing about in the mud as most kids do, However he liked to pick up slugs and worms as I think he liked their slimy feel. He wanted to share his treasures with the rest of us and would very often come up with us, hand outstretched grasping a writhing creature and say,

” Lug!”  he hadn’t mastered how to pronounce his ‘S’s yet, bless him. Myself and my sisters would recoil when he brought the slugs to us for inspection, and would try to swallow the scream, force a smile and tell him how lovely it was. He would amuse himself for some time playing in the dirt, making mud pies, and decorating them with the slugs and worms, singing away happily.

After a while he came up to us again

“Lug!” Only this time there was only a little bit of slug in this podgy little hand; not only that but he looked a bit mucky around the mouth. Yep, he had decided to taste his mud pies, but must have found them rather filling as he couldn’t manage a whole slug! It’s nice to know he has inherited the strong family constitution!

A Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody! — October 14, 2017

A Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody!

A bit of reminiscing….

I received a phone call from my daughter one day during her lunch break at school to let me know that there was a Craft Fair on Friday at school and “you have got to make some gingerbread men biscuits”.  Oh great! Well, I have to give her credit for telling me a little in advance, normally it is at bedtime the night before she has to take something home-made into school. (I know some supermarkets do a lovely range of ‘home-made’ cakes etc. but it does seem a bit naughty to do that; however needs must, and I have done it in the past)!

Anyway, as it was my day off today, and not only did I have the ingredients (and more importantly the recipe) for the gingers, but I enjoy making them (along with mince pies, that is about my festive repartee). I had already made the dough, and while that was ‘chilling’ in the fridge, I had a bit of time to myself to reflect on how different I am from my mum in the kitchen. I was thinking about Mum and what a fantastic cook she is, although nowadays she doesn’t bake so much. However, in her baking heyday, some of her practices in the kitchen left a little to be desired.

Two funny stories come to mind. The first one was when mum was making her famous ‘rock cakes’. Now, they were not ALWAYS as hard as a rock as the name implies, and she put currants or something in them as well, so they were quite tasty for a Sunday afternoon tea. This particular day she made the cakes with her usual method, chucking a bit of this in, sprinkling in a pinch of that, then a dollop of something else for good measure. Once cooked they looked lovely and golden brown and she turned them out onto the wire rack to cool for a bit.

My younger sister and I were there when she decided to have a little ‘taster’, and she bit off a huge chunk from a cake.

“Mmmm these are lovely” (Self-recommendation is no praise, but Mum was proud of her cooking). As I looked up at Mum I was horrified; there were loads of ants crawling around her mouth, my sister had noticed as well. We were screeching and pointing, but Mum had realised something was not right, and she rushed over to the sink to spit out the cake and brush away the ants that she had not ingested!  It transpired that Mum’s wire rack kept in the little alcove under the kitchen sink hadn’t been washed it (how the hell she didn’t notice the ants all over it is anybody’s guess)! Well, we went cakeless, and had something else!

The other occasion was a dinner Mum was cooking for the family. She had made a gorgeous stew and was preparing the dumplings to go with it, which she cooked in the pot with the stew. She went to one of the cupboards and got out her little box where she kept, her margarine, butter and lard. Anyway, she made the dumplings, but as I watched her, I said that they didn’t look right (Mrs Expert Chef poking her nose in)! She took no notice of me, and half an hour later we all sat down for our lovely dinner.

I took one mouthful of dumpling, and the rank taste hit me; the dumpling was expelled straight away as I retched and heaved. Some of the others followed suit, but the slow starters sat there stunned; dinner was ruined. That fat she used had been sitting opened in the packet for God knows how long, and was well and truly off! Mum told us to eat the stew anyway just leave the dumplings, but everyone’s appetite had suddenly disappeared!

I remember those two occasions so well, as my Mum never understood why we all made such a fuss about everything being clean, or that food was not past its ‘sell-by date’! I and some of my brothers and sisters used to go through the fridge and cupboards, and sure enough, there were tins there from  5 years previously. (‘tins last forever’), bottles where the date had rubbed off, or perhaps even before they dated foods, unwrapped food in the fridge, cooked and raw meat stored next to each other, and condiments that must have come from the Ark! Anything that was in the refrigerator was edible according to mum regardless of how long it had been in there!

I suppose growing up when food was rationed, they were not so picky about what they ate, being grateful to have anything. Also, I have seen her trying to sneak an errant spud in the roasting tin that had fallen on the floor when she strained them in the pan. Again, anything that went on the ground got either rinsed or brushed off and put on the plate! After all,
“A little bit of dirt never killed anyone.”
and my siblings and I have the cast iron stomachs to prove it!

#Bookreview – Rhymes of the Times by Judy E Martin —

#Bookreview – Rhymes of the Times by Judy E Martin

The lovely Robbie has reviewed my book and given me a 5* rating! Have a look at what she wrote. 🙂

robbiesinspiration's avatarRobbie's inspiration

Rhymes of the Times: A lighthearted look at life through rhyme (Rhythm and Rhyme Book 1)

What Amazon says

Are you one of those people that barge through life, trying to get through it as best as you can, swimming against the everyday worries and stresses of life? Well, I have found a way to make it much more enjoyable.

Don’t you think everything sounds better when it rhymes? I certainly do. In fact, I have found that everything from doing the housework to growing older, can sound more positive and less daunting when made into a little ditty.

This book is about finding the humour, or raising a smile from the everyday things that we can all relate to in life, and looking at them from a different perspective. Nothing escapes versification; there is even a subject on sex! After all, that is one subject where there is plenty of room for laughter, even if it may not be the right moment!

My review

I…

View original post 274 more words

Pebble Pete #SillySaturday —

Pebble Pete #SillySaturday

I have teamed up again with the talented Sandra (or Daffy as I like to call her), from Wild Daffodil  to bring you another bit of silliness this Saturday.  Sandra is incredibly artistic and creative, and I just love the images she has created out of shells, stones and flowers.

One of the nicest things about Sandra’s blog is that you never know what she is going to get up to next, from beach art, to knitted wigs, and mandalas to making spirals in her garden.

Here is our little story for this week. Meet a new character, Pebble Pete, who wants to introduce himself..and maybe his friends at a later date!

 

Hi Everybody, I’m Pebble Pete

The cheeriest chap you could hope to meet

Image Courtesy of Sandra Dorey

The beach is where I spend my days

With my crew I like to play

 

We often meet up on the shore

For fun and games, never getting bored

Riding on the waves in the clear blue sea

You’ll find the Stone and the Shell family

 

I will introduce you to everyone

So you can join in with our fun

Whether in the sea or on the sand

I want to welcome you to Seaside Land!

[social_warfare]

#SoCS Well —

#SoCS Well

Linda’s back with us this week and has given us well to use as our prompt word for our Stream of Consciousness post.

[clickToTweet tweet=”What does being ‘well’ mean to you? #SoCS #health” quote=”What does being ‘well’ mean to you?”] Is it the way you feel when you are healthy, things are going along nicely in your life and everything at work is just tickety-boo? Or is it that you are just grateful that you are alive and have a job, family and friends?

As some of you may know I am striving to make changes in my life so that I lose weight and become healthier, that also includes exercise of course, all of which is a bit of a struggle for me.

I am hoping that it will improve my well-being too. It is not that I  feel unwell at the moment but I am overweight, have diabetes type 2 and suffer with anxiety and depression. I know that the exercise is good for my mental health as well a physical so I am really trying to stick with it.

Of course, if I lose weight and am able to wear the kind of clothes that do not make me look pregnant, are straining at the seams, or dig in and leave a mark on my skin then that is going to also improve my well-being. Nobody feels great when they look like a sack of spuds.

I am lucky in that I have a  wonderful family and friend and not only that, but I am studying to become a nurse, something I am so proud of. This is really the perfect time for me to get my own health in check as much as I can. I don’t want to be advising people to live healthier lifestyles if I am the size of a bus!

Are you well today?

 

SoCS liquid

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