Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

At Last! First Day on the Job! — October 16, 2015

At Last! First Day on the Job!

What a crazy whirlwind of a week. I was so looking forward to getting started in my new job, so of course getting the mother of all colds set me back a bit! Luckily for 3 days I was just across the road and could walk to work!

Yesterday Mr. Sat Nav (I don’t like the woman’s voice bossing me about) directed me to my training in a calming, relaxed manner, and having a trainer that was tremendous fun made it all the more enjoyable. There were actually at least three of them this week that were mad as hatters, but made dry subjects so much more palatable by their unique presentations.

So today I was to actually start work and I was pretty excited. Despite the fact that it was lashing down with rain, and my nose was now dry and a bit crusty, I was undaunted. I put on my uniform, (luckily I had not given back the old one yet, and it is the same), cadged a lift with Mr, Grump as he was off and I didn’t want to get wet, and arrived nice and early (well, too early if truth be told).

Eventually, someone signed me in and I got to meet my new team. I ordered my uniform, filled in some paperwork, then went out on some visits with my new boss.I was really impressed at the way they worked and it was really nice visiting people in their own homes. I already met some characters, one of the ladies answered the door topless, but after working in the hospital, that did not phase me as many of the patients loved to strip off given the chance.

I had not brought lunch as was unsure what I wanted and there was a shop close by the office where I could get something anyway. However, as we were handing back to the office about 2pm, I realized that I felt really sick. I put it down to not eating and bought myself a chicken and stuffing sandwich from the shop. I didn’t want it actually but made myself eat it.

About an hour or so later I went out with another nurse to do one last call. She is not a local lady so used her Satnav to get to the address. I did not ask her where we were going, and we had a nice little trip out in the countryside along nice bumpy lanes, and my tummy was churning about all over the place.

Oh God, I felt sick, and wished I had not eaten that bloody sandwich. Anyway, we realised what had happened as soon as I heard the address. I actually knew where it was anyway, and we soon got to where we needed to go.

When we arrived, I almost jumped out of the car, trying to get some fresh air as I felt bad. I had not mentioned to anyone at all that I felt rough, as for some reason, I thought it might be car sickness (I used to suffer when I was a child)  and that would not bode well in the job! (I am fine when driving myself, by the way)!

The lovely elderly lady was cooking her dinner, but the smell although nice, churned me up a bit more. I then was asked to help with the leg dressing, and in fact, redressed it myself, which involved kneeling on the floor, something which along with the wound, did nothing to ease my volcanic stomach!

We got back to the office half an hour later than I was supposed to leave and it was really lashing down with rain by now, but I decided that I didn’t want Mr Grump picking me up as I had more than enough of cars for one day!

Image courtesy of Flikr

Episode 500: Expanding Comments. — September 16, 2015

Episode 500: Expanding Comments.

Once I have commented on a post and interacted a bit with the blogger responsible for it, I tend not to think anymore about it. However, today for Writing 101, I am going to write my post expanding on a comment that I left on another blog.

The lovely Daffy  very often combines two different challenges into one post, and makes a damn good job of it too! I was impressed that she entitled the post ‘Yellow’ as that covered everything perfectly. I commented as much too,

Now, as many of you know, yellow is my favourite colour, and I have a lovely (well at least I think so) yellow car which I wrote about here. Anyway, yesterday I went to pick my sister up after work and was a little early (as usual)! I sat in my car daydreaming when I heard a thump.

I looked up and thee was this cat sitting on my bonnet,  looking straight at me. I nearly jumped out of my skin, but grabbed my phone and got a picture. He hopped up onto the roof, jumped down onto the boot and then disappeared!

How odd, Anyway, I forgot about it and two minutes later he was back, only this time he jumped on my side of the bonnet and was mewing at me (as you can see in the picture). I didn’t know what he wanted but off he flounced again but not before I got another picture of him. He is after all, very pretty with his yellowish fur and blue eyes.

When my sister arrived, I told her about him; she already knows him as he belongs to the people she works for, and is called ‘Cloud.’ Apparently he is a big wimp and normally shies away from people, so I must have been honoured to have had him come to see me.

Must have been my pretty yellow car!

Episode 250: ‘Mum, You Are SO Embarrassing!’ — March 25, 2015

Episode 250: ‘Mum, You Are SO Embarrassing!’

Miss Hap is off on her school trip to France today which she is very excited about. We were informed about the trip almost as soon as she started at the school in September as no doubt, it takes a fair bit of planning sorting out the logistics of it all.

Well the day has arrived, and 76 excited 11-year-old girls are currently haring around Boulogne, practicing their French-speaking and no doubt driving their teachers mad!

I had my orders as to what sort of packed lunch she wanted to take, and I felt it only fair in return to give Miss Hap my order for some brie, for when she visits a supermarket this afternoon! Now in order to facilitate this, she had to be slipped a couple of illicit euros on top of the 20 maximum that they were allowed to take!

Hopefully, I have not got her into trouble for the sake of buying me some cheese that I am only allowed a slither of per day. Well technically it’s my mum’s fault  anyway for giving her the extra money and asking her to bring home some croissants (poor girl, there’s nothing like exploiting an opportunity).

Seeing as we had to be at the school so early this morning, we all got up at 5.15 to give us plenty of time. My daughter as expected, took ages deciding which outfit would be suitable for impressing the French folk, not to mention be ‘cool’ enough for her friends’ approval. That sorted, she emptied the backpack she takes for school, save for the French book, and filled it up with ‘lunch!’ (Well it is going to be a long day for them)!

Just as we were pulling into the school car park, she told me to turn the radio down as someone might hear it (as far as I am concerned, there is nothing wrong with a bit of Erasure, and she was brought up on it)! I obliged not wanted to show her up, and we swung into the school in my lovely bright car, which was rather out-of-place with the Jeeps, 4x4s and other cars in muted colours.

I got out of the car to let Miss Hap out gave her a kiss and hug then went to sign her in with her teacher. I could see a few girls there already, but my daughter told me to go and strutted off to join her friends before they noticed her embarrassing mum and step-dad, in their embarrassing car, with the embarrassing music.

As we left, she didn’t turn and wave, as they were all engrossed in deep and excited conversation. Fair enough, but I really wished I had one of those really loud air horns that make that DA NA NA NA NA NANA NA NA NA NA NA noise!

Episode 177: Geared up to Fail! — February 23, 2015

Episode 177: Geared up to Fail!

As days off go, today has not been a great success so far. To start with Miss Hap is back at school after a week off for half term. This involved her stomping about quite a lot this morning gathering her bits and pieces needed for the day (I am still working on organising her) whilst all the while berating the fact that she has to go to school at all.

Anyway, Mr Grump has got a load of time off still due to his annual leave-build up, so he is home getting under my feet. As I had an appointment today with other newly diagnosed Type 2 diabetics in order to educate us on how to manage our condition, I thought that Mr Grump could make himself useful and drive me in.

As some of you know, my car has been off the road for ages, and has recently had a new catalytic converter fitted, and a bit of welding done so that it is now legally roadworthy again. As we drove up the motorway Mr Grump went into the middle lane to overtake a slow lorry and changed into 5th gear as he did so, Unfortunately, it wouldn’t get in gear (he mentioned before that he has trouble getting it in 5th, I never have this problem) and we were kind of in limbo as she frantically pummelled the gearstick to get it to engage, whilst cursing and moaning.

I took exception to this rough treatment of my car, and It was a pretty hairy experience so I went quiet and surly until we arrived at the hospital. I did manage to bark out a few things I needed from the Supermarket as he was going grocery shopping.

There were about 8 of us at this meeting, and I was one of the youngest. I already knew quite a lot about diabetes anyway so I thought that 4 hours was going to be a bit of a stint, Having said that, it was very interesting knowing what a proper food portion size should equate to. Mine have obviously been a little on the over-generous side, as is the size of my dinner plate!

Anyway, luckily it lasted on three hours (Thank God as I was starving playing with all the pretend food the Dietician got out of her bag). We were told to bring a sandwich which I did but had no time to eat it, (I have a feeling that mine,had she examined it, might not have been the correct size either!

Mr Grump collected me and we came home the back roads as opposed to the motorway (presumably to avoid a repeat performance of the gear changing episode). Ass we were nearing home, he crunched 3rd gear this time and I muttered a bit, As we pulled into the parking space, the clutch vibrated wildly and then went! Nothing! He has broken my bloody car!

Episode 160: Real Men Do Cry! — February 13, 2015

Episode 160: Real Men Do Cry!

For those of us that have men in our lives, we accept that they may not be perfect but according to the Bookmakers William Hill there are fifty skills that your man should have in order to qualify as a ‘real man.’ Apparently they questioned 2000 people in order to discover what qualities it takes to accomplish this,

The list includes things like being able to tie a tie, knowing how to wire a plug, being able to change a light bulb, as well as know when your anniversary is, and how to do the laundry.

I have decided to make my own little list of what qualities I think ‘real men’ should have, which are in no particular order:

Not being ashamed to cry. I don’t mean just when their team loses an important match, I mean actually showing a bit of emotion when something has affected them deeply. Having said that,I don’t want him bawling his head off at the slightest thing!

  • Enjoy shopping. A real man will not be at all fazed whilst accompanying you on a shopping trip, and that includes browsing at lingerie! It is so annoying when you go to ask your parter’s opinion on a racy little number, only to find that he has legged it!
  • Be a good cook. Although I do like to cook at times, it is great that Mr Grump loves cooking and is so good at it too!
  • Have a decent sense of humour. Because I like to laugh at things, and enjoy making fun of silly situations, it is important to me to have someone to laugh with. I don’t want to be with someone who is precious about me taking the mickey out of them!
  • Not having an aversion to housework. Being able to push a vacuum around is a huge plus in my book. It is one of those jobs that I hate doing! For some reason, I have never known a man who is good at dusting and polishing, but if he is handy with a vacuum then that’ll do!
  • Enjoy driving.  Although I drive myself, I am not that keen on it, so a man must be able to drive, and drive well! It is pretty off-putting if a man is crunching the gears or taking about 20 attempts to parallel park, when he is behind the wheel.
  • Be well-groomed. Now a real man knows how to be well-presented. I like him to be smartly dressed in ironed clothes,smelling nice and have clean nails! I don’t however, want him to take longer getting ready than I do, hog the mirror, nick my beauty products, or borrow my straighteners (if he has hair of course).
  • Be good at DIY.  I like a man who is handy to have around. You never know when you need a shelf putting up,a room to be decorated or someone to fix something that I have broken.This is a very important quality in my book.
  • Know when to make himself scarce! This one is pretty important as well. I don’t just mean when you are having a ‘girly’ night in and don’t want the old man around. I mean that he knows to get out of your way when you are in a mood (especially if he is the one that has wound you up)!

Are there any that I have missed out, what qualities do you think a real man has?

Episode 147: On Your Bike! — February 6, 2015

Episode 147: On Your Bike!

I admire cyclists; anybody that can manage to keep themselves upright for an unlimited amount of time, whilst balancing on two (very skinny) wheels has my respect. I can actually ride one myself, but when I (rarely) venture out on my bike, I end up pushing it more than riding it, as I am a bit wobbly! Mr Grump and Miss Hap usually end up whizzing past me, leaving me behind.

Anyway, there is one particular cyclist in Britain at the moment, that has made a bit of a name (not to mention reputation) for himself. He is a bus driver for a living, but commutes to work (40 mile round trip) on his bike. The reason he is so different from the norm? He loves to report other road users to the Police if they misbehave.

This guy takes his self-imposed role very seriously indeed, and has kitted himself out with no less than 3 video cameras (wonder where he puts them all)? and a really LOUD horn (I would imagine that in itself could cause an accident if he sets it off,  making people jump and losing concentration).

He films wrong-doers abusing the Highway Code, and dobs them in to the Police. There are no second chances. If you are in the wrong lane and then cut someone up, (especially him), your card is marked; if you go the wrong way around a roundabout (God knows why you would want to), you will be reported. Oh yes, this bloke is on a mission. He will also very kindly plaster his footage all over YouTube so that your antics can be judged by other outraged road users.

He is proud of the fact that he has managed to help convict over 70 careless motorists, but like with everything there is a small price to pay, he is now dubbed ‘Britain’s Most Hated Cyclist. If that wasn’t bad enough, he is so well-known that drivers that come across him, will throw a few punches his way regardless of whether or not they have been captured on his camera for some misdemeanor,

He is not bothered though and is more determined than ever to tackle Britain’s rubbish road users and bring them to justice!

I’m bloody glad he doesn’t live near me!

Episode 138: Carbuncle in the Cotswolds! — February 3, 2015

Episode 138: Carbuncle in the Cotswolds!

Oh how some people make me laugh! There has been a bit of an outcry at the moment because of a yellow car and a beautiful village  in the Cotswolds…….

Now, only a couple of days ago, I posted about how much I miss driving my pretty yellow car at the moment as it is off the road. Note I said ‘pretty’ yellow car. That’s right, it is a cheery, sunshiny. happy colour is yellow.

Some people don’t like yellow, and are particularly offended by cars in that most beautiful of colours. Yes, I’m talking about tourists, and photographers. They are kicking up a stink about a particular yellow car owned by a retired  82-year-old dentist, (Bless him).

The problem is that this car is parked smack-bang in the middle of a row of 14th Century Medieval cottages in the beautiful village of Bilbury, situated in the Cotswolds. Now this particular row of cottages attracts visitors and tourists from far and wide, who want to capture the beauty and serenity of this little lane.

The problem is this poor little yellow car is spoiling their view, and (shock, horror) appearing in their photos, Now this dentist is entitled to park his car there and is doing nothing wrong, Even the National Trust who own the buildings cannot force this owner to park his car elsewhere.

This area is one of ‘outstanding beauty’ hence the huge number of people it attracts. It is a shame that some of those people are so snobby and petty as to object to a little unobtrusive yellow Corsa, which quite frankly, adds to the ambience of the scene, in my opinion.

Is it an asset or an eyesore?

Episode 133: Yellow Peril…. — February 1, 2015

Episode 133: Yellow Peril….

I never thought I would  say this but I can’t wait for my car to be back on the road! I might have mentioned before that I absolutely hate driving. If I can get out of it at any time then I will. However I have actually missed the fact that I can’t just nip off to my sister’s if i want to, or the shops, or anywhere for that matter!

I haven’t even had it that long, since September I think. I already had a perfectly good little car, but it wasn’t really me. it was red and…well,.. boring really. I like brightly coloured things. I like pretty things, and this car was neither, Humdrum and ordinary.

Mr Grump was browsing through some cars on one of those online Auto mag websites and he jokingly showed me a picture of this car, as he knew I would like the colour of it. Big mistake. I wanted that car. It was my favourite colour yellow; not only that, all the inside of it matched as well, yellow gear stick knob (very important), and pedals as well as the seat covers etc.

To cut a long story very short, I got it! I was thrilled with it. Forget the fact that Mr Grump said it was a ‘Boy Racer’s’ car, and that the exhaust had been ‘Bad Boyed’,so that it makes a really loud roaring sound (you can hear me coming for miles), It was yellow and it was pretty. Oh and it has a fancy stereo, that you can watch films on as well (not whilst driving of course), and that was I that I cared about!

I thought by having this car, it might even encourage me to drive a bit more, (it did a bit), but not for long because the MOT was due on it a couple of months after I had got it (roadworthiness test). It failed! Bloody thing!

Anyway, most of the work that has needed doing on it has been done, and tomorrow the new catalytic converter is going to be fitted, so fingers crossed It will be re-tested and back on the road soon.

So I will no longer be chauffeured to and from work by a disgruntled Mr Grump, which I have to say I have enjoyed immensely. I will however be roaring about in my pretty little car, getting strange looks off the young lads. (They admire my car and then look aghast as they see this old girl getting out of it, rather than some spotty, teenaged boy)!

Episode 103: Sugar and Spice?…Not Bloody Likely! — January 14, 2015

Episode 103: Sugar and Spice?…Not Bloody Likely!

Having read a post  on Behind The White Coat, which gave tips on looking good in the middle of the night (for a female doctor), I realised that us women get a bit of a raw deal sometimes….

There seems to be an expectation that women should look nice all the time. Yes that is all well and good, but for me, even if I start off looking nice it doesn’t last long. My hair will get knotty and become more and more kinked as the day goes on; if I am wearing make-up I will inevitably forget and rub my eye or something , thereby smudging mascara halfway down my face, and end up looking like something out of a horror show. If I wear heels, it is a disaster waiting to happen. However, it does not stop me as they are so elegant – only not when you go over on the side of the shoe, or get the heel caught in a grate, carry on walking to find you a bit lop-sided and minus a shoe. Worse still, there never seems to be any grip on a pair of heels, and if there is a slippery surface, God help me, as at the very least I will do is skate and skid for a bit, but more often than not,  end up in a heap on the floor, dazed, legs akimbo, and knickers on show to all and sundry!

All that is when I do make an effort. There are many times when I do not wear make-up. I must admit, I must frighten people (especially the patients when I am at work) with my pale, pasty skin, and  dark circles under my eyes. I also have a ‘determined’ kind of a walk. I can’t help it, but I have shoulders like an American Football player, and someone once referred to me as ‘stocky’! How bloody rude, stocky! Anyway, although I  am pretty short, I probably look a dreadful fright  if I were approaching someone from the opposite direction, barging my way forward, ghostly pale, and my Medusa-style hair  flying about!

At least we can wear high heels though if we want to, They can make us look taller, our legs look longer and slimmer, and give us a sexy ‘wiggle’ in our walk (well for some women they can). Poor old men dip out a bit here. Especially as some men still feel a bit uncomfortable if they are shorter than their female partner. Now unless they have got either the flair to pull off a high-heeled boot like Prince or Simon Cowell, or they wear ‘lifts’ in their shoes like Tom Cruise, then they are just going to have to lump it, or stand on a box when photos are taken!

Likewise corsets body shapers, Spanx etc.  Us women can try to hide a few inches or look a bit slimmer by cramming our flesh into instruments of torture specially made underwear that is designed to flatter the figure, (even if cutting off the circulation).We also have the uplift bras, and chicken fillet things that ‘enhance’ our boobs, whilst men don’t really have that luxury; the best a man can hope to do is shove a shock down his underpants or something. A word of warning here though, there is no point is wearing all this stuff if you are out on the pull because there is going to be a lot of disappointment later on, when the flab is unleashed, the fried eggs are revealed, and ……well you get the picture!

However, being a woman does have some advantages… I have, on more than one occasion (more so when younger) acted ‘The Dumb Blonde’ in order to get some help. My friend used to have this really old banger of a car, which broke down more often than it actually went. Many is the time I have had to get out and try to bump start it, or we would open the bonnet and look helplessly inside (none of us knew what we were looking for). I have not refused help if some kindly gentleman has seen us and offered to help push, or see if he could work out what the problem is, Thinking about it, I didn’t have to act the dumb blonde, I was one! (As far as cars are concerned at least).

It’s not so bad being a woman really!

T

Episode 13: Unlucky for some… — October 3, 2014

Episode 13: Unlucky for some…

There has been a bit of rebellion going on in our house today, and my poor nerves, already frayed from quitting cigarettes, are being stretched to the limit, due to the mutinous acts by cantankerous cars, and a petulant washing-machine!

For starters, the washing machine that Mr Grump resuscitated a few days ago, has now finally decided to throw in the towel completely, and is now back to flashing all it’s lights at me, mocking my fruitless attempts to get it working, I was really cross, and called for Mr Grump to sort it out for me. (My attempts at switching it on and off countless times, plus pressing all the buttons  manically, did not work for some reason).He couldn’t get it going this time either, so I gave it a savage kick to show it who is boss, and decided that it’s going to have to go!

Next, my car, that needed the spare part to get rid of the annoying light that keeps coming on…Mr Grump has a friend that ‘is good with cars’ who was coming over this morning to fix it for me…he duly turned up as promised and I handed him the spare keys so that he could drive it away to his ‘garage’ or whatever and bring it back minus the annoying light.

After about 10 mins the door again… did he forget something?  I wondered,(he is an older gentleman, with more than a look of a ‘mad professor’ about him, with his wild grey hair that stuck out at all angles; think Einstein and you get the idea)! “Is there a knack to it?” he asks as I open the door. “A knack to what?”  I replied, wondering what the hell he was on about. Well it turns out my car won’t start! It worked perfectly well yesterday so I trotted out there myself to start it up, only it wouldn’t go for me either (God knows why he asked me about starting it anyway, he’s the one who is supposed to be good with cars)!!

He assured me not to worry, he would go off and get a special tool to remove the part, and will be back very shortly. He eventually came back, got the keys again and went outside. As I was about to shut the door he turned back and asked where the spare part was? That was tricky, I didn’t even know what it looked like let alone where it was, and anyway, it was a good job he didn’t take the car away the first time if he didn’t check that he had the vital part he needed!

I phoned Mr Grump who was at a friend’s locally, dog sitting (the dog was due to give birth at any time and the friend had a hospital appointment to go to and didn’t want to leave it on its own to have the puppies. Mr Grump is not renowned for his Midwifery skills, but he’ll give anything a go) who told me that the part was in the boot, which I passed on to Einstein, and left him to it.

Back he comes again after another 20 minutes.” Have you fixed it?” I enquire, with a big smile, “No, I still couldn’t get the old part out. These cars were built to last” Oh great! I’m really pleased about that, but now what?!! He told me that once Mr Grump got the car running (He obviously had no faith in my abilities – and rightly so), he would pick it up, take it off and do some ‘grinding’ or something to it (to be honest, my eyes had glazed over by now, I don’t know anything about cars and it is no good trying to explain anything to me either).

So off he went on his merry way! Five minutes later, Mr Grump returns home (the poor dog hadn’t gone into labour whilst he was there) and I raged to him about my car not working….Turns out the spare keys didn’t have the chip in them that was needed to start the car, and when he went out there to try it with the other key, it roared straight into action! Too late now though, Einstein had to take his mother (My God, she must be ancient) shopping this afternoon,and I would have to wait until Monday now. Still at least the car starts, I suppose!

As these things always come in threes (well so superstition dictates), the final culprit was Mr Grump’s car. He has a stereo that was built-in at the time of manufacture, that now doesn’t work! For some reason this also affects the indicators, although they work, they don’t make that ‘click, clock’ noise when used, which is very important to Mr Grump! He does love his music, as do I, so it was vital that he fix this problem as soon as possible. He had looked up what to do on some forum or other a while ago, ordered the part from good old eBay,which had now arrived, and went out to get it sorted.

I decided to see how he was getting on and went out to have a look. Strangely, this new part had to be plugged into something that was under the front passenger seat, so there was Mr Grump, seat pushed all the way forward, groping about blindly in the back of the car trying to fit this part. With him being left-handed, and his bad shoulder also being on  the left side, he was trying to do it (unsuccessfully) right-handed.

He decided to approach it this time from the front of the car, pushed the seat all the way back and grappled about for a while longer. I decided to put myself to good use and offered to push it through from the back, but after about 2 minutes of pushing and shoving, I got cramp and gave up. He continued for a short while later, and after hearing a satisfying click, decided that he had done it!

Great, he turned the ignition on…and it still didn’t work! Undaunted, he decided that he needed to reset the battery. He made me stand guard over the car whilst he went back indoors to grab some spanner he needed (Nobody with any sense would want to nick ANYTHING of ours), and promptly reset the battery. Ignition on and this time NOTHING AT ALL, the car wouldn’t even start!!! ( It does sometimes take a while to cough and splutter into life, before conking out, a few times before it finally gets going). A few muttered curses and a bit of jiggery- pokery later and the car starts –  but not the stereo! Poor old Mr Grump, back to the drawing board for him!

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