Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 246: ‘You Dirty Rat!’ — March 24, 2015

Episode 246: ‘You Dirty Rat!’

One young man was feeling a bit fed-up on Valentine’s Day as he didn’t have a date. He decided to treat himself to dinner and headed for a local restaurant. However, this tightwad decided that he wasn’t going to pay for his meal, and tried out his master plan on the unsuspecting owner.

As he was nearing the end of his meal, the skinflint jumped up from his table shouting that he had seen a rat. This news pretty quickly cleared out the other diners as well (except for one cool dude who didn’t seem at all perturbed, either that or he was very hungry and was not leaving his food) and the owner went over to see what was going on.

The cheap skate explained what he had seen, and asked the owner for a full refund due to the rat-infested conditions, which the owner duly paid him. However, when pest control were called out to sort out the problem (pretty swiftly) they soon caught on to what had happened…

There was indeed a rat in the restaurant, but it was a domesticated one! The reason they could tell this apparently was that the rat had recently had a haircut! (Who gives rats a haircut, am I missing something here)?

Checking back over the CCTV footage seemed to confirm the moment when the pathetic penny-pincher reached into his pocket to release the rat. He has since got himself a criminal record for the sake of a £7.25 meal! He also had to pay £60 victim surcharge to the furious restaurant owner, who apparently though the sentence far too lenient and that the ‘death penalty’ was more in order!

Episode 217: Dining Delights! — March 12, 2015

Episode 217: Dining Delights!

As many of you know, I do love my food and going out to eat is something that I enjoy, especially when a load of the family come as well (there are rather a lot of us so we take up quite a bit of room.

Anyway, last summer for Mum’s birthday we went to a lovely local pub which is renowned for steak served on ‘hot stones’. It is quite a nice concept as the steak is served to you at the table on this stone, and you can decide when it is cooked to your liking. The only problem is, being the only ‘Philistine’ who likes their steak well-done, mine took ages to cook!

Mr Grump thought he was doing me a favour by cutting it into smaller pieces so it would cook faster, but this just enraged me as I now looked like a toddler who had to have their food cut up for them! Anyway, I did enjoy the meal (even though my chips had gone cold)!

Anyway, to get to the point, it has become the latest thing now for ‘trendy’ pubs and restaurants to serve up food on a variety of objects not normally associated with fine dining. For example, would you like your bread served in a flat cap? (I know I wouldn’t. I would hate it if I found a hair in it)! What about having brie balls from a training shoe?(Pooh! Talk about cheesy feet)!

The Swiss prefer their bread from a slipper apparently (gives a whole new meaning to crusty heels)! Broken bathroom tiles are ideal to serve butter from apparently and who doesn’t love a mushroom croquette laid on a piece of tree bark!

Even writing this my stomach is churning unpleasantly! It would be good for my weight loss regime at least I suppose if nothing else, as I do not  fancy cheesy balls, especially ones served from what looks like a sweaty trainer!

I am not the only one who is not keen on this new eating experience, as there is a Twitter group @wewantplates that are also flummoxed by the idea of eating from whatever is handy at the time!

What do you think, plates or planks of wood etc?

Episode 179: Say What You Mean Why Don’t You! — February 24, 2015

Episode 179: Say What You Mean Why Don’t You!

As I may have mentioned before, my daughter has Asperger’s and many times comes out and says exactly what she thinks about things.This is regardless as to who they are, or indeed where we are. I seem to spend a lot of time trying to explain to her why it is not polite/tactful to be so blunt, but sometimes, just sometimes I think we would all just love to say what we really think….

You have been invited to a friend’s/family member’s house for a coffee; just as you are about to leave, you get a phone call asking if you could ‘just pick up a pint of milk, packet of cigs’ and a few other bits and pieces. You don’t actually have that much money on you and you know it is going to be tricky asking for your money back when you deliver the goods. What you want to say is,

“No I bloody can’t! Why the hell did you invite me over for coffee when you haven’t even got any milk. Why can’t you do your own shopping?”

What you actually say is,

“Oh yes, of course I will . Do you need anything else?”

You are walking along the street when someone coming the other way barges into you and knocks you out of their way.

What you want to say is,

“Watch where you are going you Arsehole!”

What you actually say is,

“Sorry!” Yes really. Or at least I do!

You are in the supermarket, strapped for time trying to get grocery shopping done, only to come to an abrupt halt as two shoppers are having a chat, blocking the aisles with their trolleys. They see you trying to get by, glare at you before finally huffing and puffing, and moving a fraction so you can just about get through.

What you want to say is,

“So sorry to interrupt your important meeting just so that I can actually do my shopping as this is a supermarket not a village hall!”

“What you actually say is,

“Thanks so much, whilst looking apologetic for having disturbed them!

This one probably only applies to me as I am a ‘Philistine’ who likes their steak well-done. On going out for a birthday meal with my mum and some other family members, i and some others requested a steak. I explained how I liked it cooked and when the waitress plonked it down forcefully, and dare I say resentful in front of me she asked me if ‘it was well done enough for me or should she take it back and get the chef to cremate it a bit more’

What I wanted to say was,

“How dare you try to belittle and humiliate me in front of everyone you rude excuse for a person. You can sod off if you think I am leaving you a tip, other than get some bloody manners!”

What I actually said was,

“Thank you, that will do fine!”

Ahhh yes, wouldn’t it be good to say what we really think sometimes.  Anything you would like to say?

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