Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 236: Snotty Sneezes, Sets off Smacker! — March 21, 2015

Episode 236: Snotty Sneezes, Sets off Smacker!

We all get the sniffles sometimes. Occasionally a sneeze comes out of nowhere and can be quite startling to those around who were not expecting a snotty explosion, and the accompanying ATTTTTISHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!  Just this morning, as i was sound asleep, both me and the dog were awoken by Mr Grump letting rip an almighty sneeze!

For most of us, it is a minor annoyance when someone dares to disturb our peace by letting out an unfettered sneeze, however, one middle-aged man in the north of england, has taken offence by these sniffy snufflers and has taken to whacking them around the head!

Maybe he has some sort of germ phobia, or perhaps he is sensitive to sudden outbursts of noise, but either way, he is taking things a little bit far here. He is not shy in letting his disapproval be known either. He clouted the first middle-aged victim in the middle of Carlisle city centre when she inadvertently sneezed in the middle of shopping. He then disappeared before she had realised what had hit her (literally in this case)!

The other poor victim was an elderly lady who got smacked around the head when she too let out an unexpected sneeze. She was pretty upset and shaken, and again, the weird whacker had disappeared before anyone could do anything.

Th police are now calling for witnesses and are desperately trying to catch this nasty nutter before he does it again. After all, spring is just around the corner, and not only are people still likely to be suffering from the usual colds, but hay fever could well be added to the nix, thereby doubling the list of potential victims!

Episode 219: Silly Sayings…. — March 13, 2015

Episode 219: Silly Sayings….

It’s funny how we incorporate these little sayings into our lives (many that our own parents have said to us in the past) that don’t make any sense! Here are a few of my favourites……

“If you don’t eat your dinner, you won’t get any pudding!” This was said to us as kids if we had left our meal in order to get to the rather nicer looking dessert. This is a bit silly really as, if we ate all our dinner we might not be able to eat our pudding, let alone enjoy it!

“If the wind changes you will stay like that”! We have all poked our tongue out at someone or made a face behind their back. This threat was supposed to deter us doing this, but I really don’t think anyone ever believes it!

“Do you want a smack?” This really makes me laugh. As if anyone is going to say “Oh yes please, the harder the better” (On second thoughts with all this 50 Shades stuff being popular at the moment…)Anyway, as kids when you are being naughty and your mum threatens you with this, you do tend to behave yourself pretty quick!

In the same vein what about, ” Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about!” For a start if you are in a state about something, it is not always easy (as a child) to just instantly stop crying, but if you don’t you are in for a clout. A bit of a no-win one this is!

” Go and wash behind your ears, you could grow spuds there” Even if it were possible, why would anyone want to grow potatoes on their head!

Those are some of my favourites. Do you have any?

Episode 73: Mind Your Language! — December 12, 2014

Episode 73: Mind Your Language!

Earlier on today I read a post by Wendy of the Rock where she talks about her love for bad language, particularly the ‘F’ word and how this used to upset her mother, but now she has become used to it.

I could really relate to this post, mainly as it brought back memories of how strict my mum and stepdad were  when me and my siblings were growing up. I have to say that as a little girl, I was not much of a swearer, in fact I was very quiet and a bit of a ‘Goody Two Shoes’. Well truth be known,back in the ‘olden days’ we didn’t really hear much bad language, not even on the TV (Mind you I had to be in bed before 8 until I was about 12 years old)!

I never heard my mother swear at all, growing up, (I don’t really count ‘bugger’ , ‘bloody’ and ‘Christ’ as swearing. She did let the odd ‘shit’ slip out though (Ha Ha!  bit of a double entendre there). Woe betide any of us that dared say any of those words though, We would be threatened as Wendy was, with our mouths being washed out with soap. My stepfather was a bit different though as he had a broad West Country ‘oooh-arrr’ type of accent that made us laugh, especially when he described someone falling as ‘going arse over tit’. Commonplace now but shocking to us kids back then. Mum would give him a bit of a look but he was oblivious to it anyway!

I remember when I was about 9 years old, and desperate to grow up quickly, was upset about my deficiency in the boob department. We had been singing Christmas Carols at school. A line from ‘In The Bleak Midwinter’ had piqued my interest, which was …’a breastful of milk and a mangerful of hay’. Hmmm, did that mean that if I drank a lot of milk then a would get big boobs, which I desperately wanted ( I was very innocent back then). anyway I asked my Mum for a glass of milk, and for some reason told her why I wanted it. She asked me to repeat what I had just said,

“To make my breastful of milk grow bigger” I chirped. WRONG! I got a clout for that!. We did not discuss intimate body parts in our house, not even allowed to say ‘bum’. Bottom was the correct term for everything front and back, girls and boys! Sex education we learned at school (or from other kids), and I dreaded telling my Mum when puberty started!

I would never swear in front of my older brothers and sisters either, particularly my eldest sister as I would probably get a smack off her as well (she dobbed me in to my Mum when she found a packet of cigarettes on me when I was 13)!!! Funnily enough Mum wasn’t as mad about that as she would be about us swearing!

My younger sister was and is a lot braver, and much feistier than I am. I remember once when we were teenagers; she was sleeping in my room, and as we used to fight like cat and dog then. I for once got really angry and told her to ‘piss off”. Oh, no, Mum’s room was next door and sure enough my step dad yelled, but at my sister, not me! No-one thought I had it in me to use such language!

Now of course. Mum doesn’t seem to mind her grand-children swearing, in fact she has been known to come out with a few choice words herself. Not only that she openly talks about sex (CRINGE), and has a filthy mind we’ve discovered. When we have large family gatherings we quite often end up playing games, and although they always start fairly innocently, ‘consequences’ ends up making an appearance, and the filthier the better! For those unfamiliar with it everyone starts off  with a bit of paper, you write a girl’s name on it, fold it over, pass it to the next person and they write a boy’s name on it, fold it over, pass it on, write where they met, what they did, what he said, she said and how it ended up each time folding it over and passing it on. when that is over, you take it in turns to read out all the combinations. It is a playground game really, but you can get some VERY interesting scenarios if you have a dirty mind!

It is odd though that I still have that fear (or respect) in me that will not swear in front of my Mum!

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