Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Another Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody! — October 15, 2017

Another Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody!

Further the post I wrote here, my younger sister reminded me of a story that I had forgotten to include, and although it is pretty stomach-churning, it did make me laugh so here it is….

Mum had made a corned-beef hash, which although we didn’t have very often we were looking forward to. Anyway she had left it to cool off on the worktop for a little while. As she was about to dish up she suddenly screeched,

“Where’s me teeth”? She had this little plastic plate with 4 or 5 false teeth on which she used to take out now and again when they started to chafe, and they would sit on the table or window sill, wrapped in a tissue until she needed them to eat! My sister and I searched the kitchen without success, We couldn’t understand where they had gone As a last resort we decided to check the corned-beef hash, as it was not unusual for a bit of fag ash to land up in the food so why not a denture!

As it happened, the teeth were not in the hash, but the obligatory ants were! Yes, they had found their way into the hash that had been left uncovered, and had dived on in! Yuk! That was yet another meal that had no takers, fussy as we all were! Oh, and Mum’s teeth turned up in the kitchen rubbish bin! As a last resort we went through it, and there they were in a soggy filthy tissue, buried beneath tea bags, potato peelings and other assorted nasties. Mum was thrilled, a quick rinse under the tap, and she popped them back into place!

My nephew when he was young, also shared my mum’s casual attitude to dirt and used to love grubbing about in the mud as most kids do, However he liked to pick up slugs and worms as I think he liked their slimy feel. He wanted to share his treasures with the rest of us and would very often come up with us, hand outstretched grasping a writhing creature and say,

” Lug!”  he hadn’t mastered how to pronounce his ‘S’s yet, bless him. Myself and my sisters would recoil when he brought the slugs to us for inspection, and would try to swallow the scream, force a smile and tell him how lovely it was. He would amuse himself for some time playing in the dirt, making mud pies, and decorating them with the slugs and worms, singing away happily.

After a while he came up to us again

“Lug!” Only this time there was only a little bit of slug in this podgy little hand; not only that but he looked a bit mucky around the mouth. Yep, he had decided to taste his mud pies, but must have found them rather filling as he couldn’t manage a whole slug! It’s nice to know he has inherited the strong family constitution!

A Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody! — October 14, 2017

A Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody!

A bit of reminiscing….

I received a phone call from my daughter one day during her lunch break at school to let me know that there was a Craft Fair on Friday at school and “you have got to make some gingerbread men biscuits”.  Oh great! Well, I have to give her credit for telling me a little in advance, normally it is at bedtime the night before she has to take something home-made into school. (I know some supermarkets do a lovely range of ‘home-made’ cakes etc. but it does seem a bit naughty to do that; however needs must, and I have done it in the past)!

Anyway, as it was my day off today, and not only did I have the ingredients (and more importantly the recipe) for the gingers, but I enjoy making them (along with mince pies, that is about my festive repartee). I had already made the dough, and while that was ‘chilling’ in the fridge, I had a bit of time to myself to reflect on how different I am from my mum in the kitchen. I was thinking about Mum and what a fantastic cook she is, although nowadays she doesn’t bake so much. However, in her baking heyday, some of her practices in the kitchen left a little to be desired.

Two funny stories come to mind. The first one was when mum was making her famous ‘rock cakes’. Now, they were not ALWAYS as hard as a rock as the name implies, and she put currants or something in them as well, so they were quite tasty for a Sunday afternoon tea. This particular day she made the cakes with her usual method, chucking a bit of this in, sprinkling in a pinch of that, then a dollop of something else for good measure. Once cooked they looked lovely and golden brown and she turned them out onto the wire rack to cool for a bit.

My younger sister and I were there when she decided to have a little ‘taster’, and she bit off a huge chunk from a cake.

“Mmmm these are lovely” (Self-recommendation is no praise, but Mum was proud of her cooking). As I looked up at Mum I was horrified; there were loads of ants crawling around her mouth, my sister had noticed as well. We were screeching and pointing, but Mum had realised something was not right, and she rushed over to the sink to spit out the cake and brush away the ants that she had not ingested!  It transpired that Mum’s wire rack kept in the little alcove under the kitchen sink hadn’t been washed it (how the hell she didn’t notice the ants all over it is anybody’s guess)! Well, we went cakeless, and had something else!

The other occasion was a dinner Mum was cooking for the family. She had made a gorgeous stew and was preparing the dumplings to go with it, which she cooked in the pot with the stew. She went to one of the cupboards and got out her little box where she kept, her margarine, butter and lard. Anyway, she made the dumplings, but as I watched her, I said that they didn’t look right (Mrs Expert Chef poking her nose in)! She took no notice of me, and half an hour later we all sat down for our lovely dinner.

I took one mouthful of dumpling, and the rank taste hit me; the dumpling was expelled straight away as I retched and heaved. Some of the others followed suit, but the slow starters sat there stunned; dinner was ruined. That fat she used had been sitting opened in the packet for God knows how long, and was well and truly off! Mum told us to eat the stew anyway just leave the dumplings, but everyone’s appetite had suddenly disappeared!

I remember those two occasions so well, as my Mum never understood why we all made such a fuss about everything being clean, or that food was not past its ‘sell-by date’! I and some of my brothers and sisters used to go through the fridge and cupboards, and sure enough, there were tins there from  5 years previously. (‘tins last forever’), bottles where the date had rubbed off, or perhaps even before they dated foods, unwrapped food in the fridge, cooked and raw meat stored next to each other, and condiments that must have come from the Ark! Anything that was in the refrigerator was edible according to mum regardless of how long it had been in there!

I suppose growing up when food was rationed, they were not so picky about what they ate, being grateful to have anything. Also, I have seen her trying to sneak an errant spud in the roasting tin that had fallen on the floor when she strained them in the pan. Again, anything that went on the ground got either rinsed or brushed off and put on the plate! After all,
“A little bit of dirt never killed anyone.”
and my siblings and I have the cast iron stomachs to prove it!

A Few of My Favorite Idioms and Expressions — October 13, 2017

A Few of My Favorite Idioms and Expressions

[clickToTweet tweet=”One of the things I love most about the English language is that it is so versatile. ” quote=”One of the things I love most about the English language is that it is so versatile. “]

Another thing that I  enjoy are some of the idioms and expressions that we use. A lot of them are donkey’s years old and are passed down through the generations. I know my Nan, and even my Mum loved using them.

Here are some of my favourites: (It’s funny that most of them seem to be derogatory in some way)!

All fur coat and no knickers. This one I think is all about putting on a show, pretending that you are doing well when in reality you haven’t got a pot to pi**  in.  Similarly, we use champagne tastes on beer money which kind of speak for itself.

Short arms and deep pockets. This expression always makes me laugh, for some reason and refers to someone who is rather tight with their money, always last to buy a round, or conveniently leaves their wallet at home.

All mouth and no trousers.  Someone who ‘talks the talk’ and makes all sorts of grand gestures but doesn’t actually follow through with any action. Remind you of anyone?

Kick the bucket. We seem to be rather reluctant to talk about people dying directly so use expressions like this or popped his clogs is another one.

Running around like a blue-arsed fly. This one is actually still very popular, and people often use it when they have been extremely busy.

A pig in a poke. A bit of an odd expression this one (aren’t they all)? It means don’t buy anything until you have looked it over carefully!

Flogging a dead horse. This one is pretty  self-explanatory, in as much as there is no point in carrying on with whatever you were doing as it will make no difference. Locking the stable door after the horse has bolted is also popular.

A lick and a promise. This is a half-hearted attempt at something, which apparently derives from when children asked to wash would just lick their hands or a cloth and wipe themselves off! Did anyone else’s Mum spit on a tissue or a cloth to clean your face when you were a child or was it just mine?

Up and down like a whore’s drawers or a bride’s nightie. Take your pick they both mean the same and need no explanation.

About as much use as a fart in a colander another favourite of mine or a more polite version would be a chocolate teapot

You look like you have been dragged through a hedge backwards. No need to tell you what this means, similarly if someone were to look like death warmed up you would get the drift!

What’s your favourite idiom or expression? Perhaps I have missed it off the list in which case I would love to hear it. Please let me know in the comments.

7 Things I Remember From Childhood That Have Gone Now — October 11, 2017

7 Things I Remember From Childhood That Have Gone Now

I was just reminiscing about the good old days, those carefree days of childhood when everything was so different…Thank God, some things do change for the better!

  1. Who remembers that awful scratchy toilet paper (or was it tracing paper)? that didn’t wipe anything at all, instead just spreading it around. Not only that but it was so rough and got into all those tender places making them sore. This was all we had at school so we had to like it or lump it!
  2. The note from Mum. I love this one, it was like a magic ticket in some ways that NOBODY questioned. It got you off PE (well it would if it were genuine, I tried forging it once and got found out straight away)!  Your Mum would send you off to the shops with a note for 20 cigarettes or Dad would want some beer, If you had the note, it was fine! I can’t believe looking back that I travelled back from Germany on my own at 14 years old on my own, via train and Ferry with just a Visitor’s Passport and a note from my Mum saying I was not a runaway
  3. Buying a single cigarette from the shop. This might not be common everywhere, but I do remember buying one or two single cigarettes on the way to, or home from school. There was also a cigarette vending machine at the end of our road which sold 7 cigarettes for something like 20p.
  4. Another one about school, corporal punishment  I remember when I was at school there were various forms of this, the cane, the slipper, the strap and the ruler being the most popular If a child was unlucky enough to get punished at school then the chances are they would get another clout when they got home for being in trouble as they always knew!
  5. Nitty Nora the bug explorer! Otherwise known as the school nurse! Although there are still school nurses, they don’t go through your hair looking for lice (nits), as they did when I was at school. They were quite heavy-handed as I remember, and would go through us one at a time in a room. The door was left open though and everyone knew if you had them. You would then be sent home in disgrace to get yourself treated before being allowed back.
  6. Another thing I remember from school is having to back all of our books. I used to hate doing this, especially if we didn’t have any brown paper or anything. I have used rather garish wallpaper before now when there has been nothing else!
  7. Doing PE in just a vest and knickers! When I was in primary school girls and boys would do PE in their underwear! It seems odd now, but nobody thought anything of it.

I have had fun looking back at this list from my childhood, but I am sure there are many things I have forgotten. Can you think of any? Please let me know in the comments,

Mind Your Language, No Swearing! — October 10, 2017

Mind Your Language, No Swearing!

Some time ago I read a post by Wendy on the Rock where she talks about her love for bad language, particularly the ‘F’ word and how this used to upset her mother to hear her swearing at one time, but now she has become used to it.

I could relate to this post, mainly as it brought back memories of how strict my mum and stepdad were when my siblings and I were growing up. I have to say that as a little girl, I was not much of a swearer, in fact, I was reticent and a bit of a ‘Goody Two Shoes’. Well, truth be known, back in the ‘olden days’ we didn’t hear much bad language, not even on the TV (Mind you I had to be in bed before eight until I was about 12 years old)!

I never heard my mother swear at all, growing up, (I don’t count ‘bugger’, ‘bloody’ and ‘Christ’ as swearing. She did let the odd ‘shit’ slip out though (Ha Ha! bit of a double entendre there). Woe betide any of us that dared say any of those words though, We would be threatened as Wendy was, with our mouths being washed out with soap. My stepfather was a bit different though as he had a broad West Country ‘oooh-arrr’ type of accent that made us laugh, especially when he described someone falling as ‘going arse over tit’. Commonplace now but shocking to us kids back then. Mum would give him a bit of a look, but he was oblivious to it anyway!

I remember when I was about nine years old and desperate to grow up quickly, was upset about my deficiency in the boob department. We had been singing Christmas Carols at school. A line from ‘In The Bleak Midwinter’ had piqued my interest, which was …’a breastful of milk and a manger full of hay’. Hmmm, did that mean that if I drank a lot of milk, then a would get big boobs, which I desperately wanted ( I was very innocent back then). Anyway, I asked my Mum for a glass of milk, and for some reason told her why I wanted it. She asked me to repeat what I had just said,

“To make my breastful of milk grow bigger,” I chirped. WRONG! I got a clout for that!. We did not discuss intimate body parts in our house, not even allowed to say ‘bum’. Bottom was the correct term for everything front and back, girls and boys! Sex education we learned at school (or from other kids), and I dreaded telling my Mum when puberty started!

I would never swear in front of my older brothers and sisters either, particularly my eldest sister as I would probably get a smack off her as well (she dobbed me in to my Mum when she found a packet of cigarettes on me when I was 13)!!! Funnily enough, Mum wasn’t as mad about that as she would be about us swearing!

My younger sister was and is a lot braver, and much feistier than I am. I remember once when we were teenagers; she was sleeping in my room, and as we used to fight like cat and dog then. I for once got furious and told her to ‘piss off”. Oh, no, Mum’s room was next door, and sure enough, my stepdad yelled, but at my sister, not me! No-one thought I had it in me to use such language!

Now of course. Mum doesn’t seem to mind her grand-children swearing, in fact, she has been known to come out with a few choice words herself. Not only that she openly talks about sex (CRINGE), and has a filthy mind we’ve discovered. When we have large family gatherings, we quite often end up playing games, and although they always start reasonably innocently, ‘consequences’ ends up making an appearance, and the filthier, the better!

For those unfamiliar with it, everyone starts off with a bit of paper, you write a girl’s name on it, fold it over, pass it to the next person and they write a boy’s name on it, fold it over, pass it on. Then write where they met, what they did, what he said, she said and how it ended up each time folding it over and passing it on. When that is over, you take it in turns to read out all the combinations. It is a playground game really, but you can get some interesting scenarios if you have a dirty mind!

It is odd though that I still have that fear (or respect) in me that I will not swear in front of my Mum!

Flash Fiction Rodeo Contest #1 — October 7, 2017
G…uest #23: Health Eating Brown Rice Pilaf — October 1, 2017

G…uest #23: Health Eating Brown Rice Pilaf

I have been over at Esme’s blog talking about Sally’s delicious Brown Rice Pilaf that I made…

Judy E Martin's avatarEsmeSalon

Judy,  Blogger at Edwina’s Episodes and Author of Rhymes of the Times is back with another Guest Post.

Judy - Edwina's Episodes

View original post 302 more words

A SERIOUS IN BETWEEN POST — September 24, 2017

A SERIOUS IN BETWEEN POST

Shockingly, FGM is still being carried out. Read this young girl’s account of what it means to her, and you will be appalled.

Lucinda E Clarke's avatarlucinda E Clarke

Just for once this is a serious post as I want to raise awareness of something that is going on in dozens of countries, including the United States and many places in Europe. It’s a theme I chose for my latest book and the more I researched it the more horrified I became. FGM is a topic only ever discussed behind closed doors, many people have never even heard of it.  

Then this popped up on my timeline on Facebook. It’s written by Serena Cairns and personalizes the fears and feelings of a young girl. It tore at my heart and I think it will tear at yours too. How long must we wait for men and women to be regarded as humans, different, but equal? Women are not possessions neither should they be second class citizens.

With reference to your latest novel, Lucinda, I thought you might like this very short piece.

View original post 468 more words

#Fairies, #Myths, & #Magic Author Spotlight Guest Posts – “All You Need To Do Is Believe,” by Judy E. Martin — September 21, 2017

#Fairies, #Myths, & #Magic Author Spotlight Guest Posts – “All You Need To Do Is Believe,” by Judy E. Martin

I am delighted to be a guest at Colleen’s magical blog.

August G…uest Post Roundup — September 2, 2017

August G…uest Post Roundup

Marsha Ingrao Always Write

Having fun blogging with friends

Rachael's Thoughts

Lifestyle blog featuring the fabulous North East and beyond

My Window

Sharing my thoughts, poems, travel & art

WordPress.com Apps

Apps for any screen

Learning to write

Just your average PhD student using the internet to enhance their CV

Jemverse

Life in words

Stuff and what if...

Exploring writing and the creative randomness of life. Snapshots of moments.

Aakashsoyanthone

Aakashsoyanthone

Gin & Lemonade

...with a twist.

Peacock Poetry

by Sam Allen

Tallis Steelyard

The jumbled musings of Tallis Steelyard

Diary of a Dublin Housewife

Diary of a Dublin Housewife

Carolina Russo Art

Capturing Essence: Intuitive Watercolors, Fine Art, Illustrations, and Reiki-Infused Creations

Two on a Rant

Rants, humor, sarcasm, and a haiku-like substance? It's hard to know what's going to come out of our minds next.

We Are Holistic

Promoting a Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit

Cindy Knoke

Photography, Birds and Travel

pensitivity101

An onion has many layers. So have I!

Fatty McCupcakes

Rants, Ramblings, and Regrets

From Michigan to Germany

A family from Michigan living abroad in Germany.