Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 134: Egg On My Face…. — February 2, 2015

Episode 134: Egg On My Face….

“Mum, I’ve forgotten my bus pass”  are not the words that you want to hear at 8am on a Monday morning! Especially if you are still groggy form a dreadful nights sleep…..

My eleven year old daughter is disorganisation personified! No matter how hard I try, how much cajoling, wheedling, and finally grounding  makes no difference at all. She has a head like a sieve (no idea where she gets that from), and no amount of nagging, or should I say ‘reminding’ gets the information into her stubborn head!

I am at home today, waiting for my car to be fixed. I thought I might go mad and do a bit of housework, and other bits and pieces indoors. So for that reason, I have dressed appropriately. A pair of leggings and a long line short-sleeved top are perfect for the tasks I intend to carry out,

They are not however, perfect for having to hot-foot it to the bus stop to deliver the bloody bus pass!  I brushed aside the wearing of socks today, preferring to slop about in my comfy mid heel mules. The problem I had was that time was of the essence, as my daughter and her friend were hoping to catch the next bus at 8.20 and the bus stop is at least a 10 minute walk away.

I grabbed my heavy waterproof jacket and set off. As I was ‘clip-clopping’ down the road in my mules, I smiled at people who were scraping the ice off their cars, ready for work, There were a few raised eyebrows as they clocked my poor, freezing sockless feet in the summer mules, but i walked on head held high!

I phoned my daughter on the way and told her to meet me halfway. She agreed, but I finally caught up with her at the local park, about 2 mins away from the bus stop. Her and her friend sauntered in, totally unperturbed, scoffing sausage rolls (presumably with the money she got from the ‘tooth fairy’ last night)! She grabbed the bus pass, ignored my mini-rant, and dawdled back to the bus stop!

I sped home realising that I had left the pan on with my boiled egg for breakfast in it, hoping that I still had a home left! Luckily, there was a bit of water left in the pan and my egg was hard-boiled to perfection. Just as I like it!

I still have the problem of trying to get my daughter to remember her bus pass in the mornings. Any ideas?!

Episode 133: Yellow Peril…. — February 1, 2015

Episode 133: Yellow Peril….

I never thought I would  say this but I can’t wait for my car to be back on the road! I might have mentioned before that I absolutely hate driving. If I can get out of it at any time then I will. However I have actually missed the fact that I can’t just nip off to my sister’s if i want to, or the shops, or anywhere for that matter!

I haven’t even had it that long, since September I think. I already had a perfectly good little car, but it wasn’t really me. it was red and…well,.. boring really. I like brightly coloured things. I like pretty things, and this car was neither, Humdrum and ordinary.

Mr Grump was browsing through some cars on one of those online Auto mag websites and he jokingly showed me a picture of this car, as he knew I would like the colour of it. Big mistake. I wanted that car. It was my favourite colour yellow; not only that, all the inside of it matched as well, yellow gear stick knob (very important), and pedals as well as the seat covers etc.

To cut a long story very short, I got it! I was thrilled with it. Forget the fact that Mr Grump said it was a ‘Boy Racer’s’ car, and that the exhaust had been ‘Bad Boyed’,so that it makes a really loud roaring sound (you can hear me coming for miles), It was yellow and it was pretty. Oh and it has a fancy stereo, that you can watch films on as well (not whilst driving of course), and that was I that I cared about!

I thought by having this car, it might even encourage me to drive a bit more, (it did a bit), but not for long because the MOT was due on it a couple of months after I had got it (roadworthiness test). It failed! Bloody thing!

Anyway, most of the work that has needed doing on it has been done, and tomorrow the new catalytic converter is going to be fitted, so fingers crossed It will be re-tested and back on the road soon.

So I will no longer be chauffeured to and from work by a disgruntled Mr Grump, which I have to say I have enjoyed immensely. I will however be roaring about in my pretty little car, getting strange looks off the young lads. (They admire my car and then look aghast as they see this old girl getting out of it, rather than some spotty, teenaged boy)!

Episode 131: Blowing Away The Cobwebs. — January 31, 2015

Episode 131: Blowing Away The Cobwebs.

Today my mind was too full of worries and niggles and I was feeling a bit het-up. The weather was dreary and grey, although dry, and I was moping about totally unmotivated…

As food is never far from my mind, I asked Mr Grump what we were going to have for dinner tonight. I was not impressed with his suggestions, and tried to persuade him to do our grocery shopping today instead of tomorrow whilst I stayed at home.

Well he wasn’t having that. He insisted that we all go shopping and that we walk the  3 mile round trip, as it would do us all good to get some exercise. Surprisingly Miss Hap was up for it, but I tried to get out of it, However, I realised that if I wanted something nice for dinner then I would have to go with them.

So off we trotted. Actually it was quite nice, as we kept off the main roads and used the little footpaths that cut through a large wooded area. We kept up a brisk pace and chatted throughout the journey, so it was rather pleasant.

In no time at all we were wondering around the supermarket. Miss Hap and I browsed through some craft magazines, and a knitting one caught her eye. Funnily enough, I was thinking today how I would like to take up knitting again, as I hadn’t done anything for ages. Also I can actually knit (unlike my dressmaking attempts, where I try  – but fail). I bought the magazine which included a pattern for some knitted monkeys plus the wool to make it with.

Once we had bought everything we needed, we headed back home. This time the walk was not quite as pleasant. For a start, the wind had kicked up, and about 10 minutes in, the rain started falling. This coupled with the heavy bags (stupidly, we hadn’t considered carrying the shopping all the way back) made the trip a little more challenging!

Everyone was pleased to get back home in the warm, and once we had dried off and sorted ourselves out, I started to knit one of the little monkeys…I could feel the stress melting away.

Episode 129: Moongazing…… — January 30, 2015

Episode 129: Moongazing……

Mr Grump came home carrying a huge bag a week or so ago. Being curious, I poked my nose into the bag to discover that he had bought a second-hand telescope. I was quite excited about this as I would love to get a closer look at the night sky, and see the moon and starts in more detail.I just had to wait for a clear night to be able to use it…..

My patience paid off, and tonight is a beautiful clear night, with a 3/4 moon and a generous sprinkling of starts for me to wonder at. Mr Grump dug about in the shed, came back with the bag and emptied the contents onto the front room floor so we could assemble it.

The body of the telescope was about 4ft long and 6 inches wide, plus there were all these little lenses and mini scope like bits, and finally the tripod with cogs and dials on it!  Wow, this was going to be good, and Miss Hap will enjoy it too. The only thing that was missing though were the bloody instructions!

Mr Grump brushed off this little inconvenience and being pretty resourceful, got the tripod set up with no problem. He then attached the large  body piece. and started screwing little bits and pieces on here and there.

I took this opportunity to get myself wrapped up against the freezing weather and put on a few more layers, encouraging Miss Hap to do the same. Meanwhile Mr Grump had carted the whole telescope ensemble out to the back garden and was twirling knobs, looking intensely at the moon trying to get it into focus.

Miss Hap and I waited….and waited for him to get a good view; I decided that we might as well wait for a bit until he called us, so as not to distract him, Sure enough after a few minutes he called us. Excitedly I craned my neck and stood on tiptoe (not being very tall) trying to look through the eyepiece. I ooohed and aahed but could only really see about 1cm of white light! I beckoned my daughter to have a look which she did. I held her hand to keep her balanced as she strained to see. Just as she saw it, she managed to kick the tripod, sending the telescope plummeting downwards.

Mr Grump grabbed it, glared at us two who were giggling, and set about re-focusing it, only this time, lowering the tripod a bit first so that we could actually see through it. I did finally get to see the moon this time, but although I could pick out a couple of craters, was not overly impressed, as I was expecting more!

Anyway, I asked him to train it on a star, this time. It took him ages to find one (I don’t know why. the sky was full of them), He then hogged the telescope for ages! I asked him to let me have a look as I was getting cold and had already been waiting ages (I am not known for my patience). He decided that he would change the lens so I could see it better. then promptly lost sight of it altogether!

I stomped back into the warmth of the front room, and left M Grump to disassemble the lot and pack it away back in the shed (Miss Hap had already scarpered off bored).

I need a bog standard telescope I think. These fancy ones with all the bells and whistles on, are all very nice and all that, but dunces like me can’t cope with complicated!

Episode 128: Love and Microwaves! —

Episode 128: Love and Microwaves!

It’s just over a fortnight now until Valentine’s Day, The shops are all decked out with hearts and flowers, cute cuddly toys and balloons. This year I have even seen rose petals, and little heart-shaped cutters; presumably for giving that special someone their morning toast on a tray strewn with petals. Chance would be a fine thing!

When I was younger I used to get very excited about Valentine’s Day. I was always desperate for the post to arrive on that morning, bringing with it armfuls of cards from my many admirers. The problem was mine and my younger sister’s birthday is on the 16th, so any cards that were sent would be hidden by my Mum with the assumption that they were birthday cards (which they always were)! It didn’t stop me thinking on my birthday that there would be a few Valentines in amongst the other cards (There weren’t)!

When I was a teenager, things did improve a bit. I used to hang around with this boy who was a couple of years older than me. we went everywhere together, and were always around each other’s houses. We were just friends though. However, he always sent me a Valentine card, as well as a rose or a heart-shaped chocolate egg or something, and it was signed by ‘Mr X.’ It didn’t take me long to deduce who Mr X was, so from then on I sent him one signed by ‘Miss X!’ (I have never been graced with a wild sense of imagination!)

My family always teased me saying that he fancied me, but I took no notice, He had his girlfriends and I had boyfriends over the years, but we were still friends and the cards still came. I did get a shock one year though, when I had left home to join the Army. On Valentine’s morning I got the usual card sent to me by Mr X, which was sweet as we still kept in touch – but the day after I got another one. This was in the same handwriting but on the inside of the card this time he had just written ‘I love you’!

So he did fancy me! Problem was, I was just starting out on a new life, and I didn’t feel the same at that point so I never made any mention of it! Neither did he, but we kind of lost touch for a little while after that!

I did get other Valentine’s cards, and the odd bunch of flowers at later times in my life, but I soon realised that there is no set time or date to show someone you love how much you appreciate them and love them. Yes, it is nice to get chocolates or flowers, but when Mr Grump is in the right mood,(or in the doghouse) I will get those anyway!

In fact a couple of years ago we ended up buying a microwave for Valentine’s day! Ours had broken, and we saw this really nice one that we liked so we bought that as a mutual Valentines’s present to each other.

Who says that romance is dead?

Episode 127: Breaking Out of The Comfort Zone — January 29, 2015

Episode 127: Breaking Out of The Comfort Zone

I have decided that now and again, it is good to shake things up a little and do things that are out of your comfort zone. It can be refreshing, as well as enlightening. Not that I originally had any choice in the matter when I had to do something totally out of my comfort zone today….

I always get to work half an hour early, and today when I walked in, I was told that my name was down to work on the ‘Winter Pressure Ward’. Oh, great, that’s going to be a treat. Off I trotted, only to walk in halfway through handover as they actually start at 7am and I got there at 7.10am. This put me on edge straight away I knew no-one else that was there, plus they were all looking at my sullen face as I dumped my coat and bag down and grabbed a handover sheet.

This ward is usually used for other things but due to the sheer numbers of patients coming into hospital during the winter, plus the pressure on hospitals to meet performance targets, for waiting times in Accident and Emergency, patients are sent here. There are 24 patients in total,  of all ages, and all sorts of ailments.

It was a bit of a shaky start due to the fact that I didn’t know where any of the equipment was that I needed. i had to go backwards and forward a few times until I had everything, but it didn’t take that long.

I lost the sullen face, as I was there to work and look after the patients, so that is what I did. Some of the patients might have given me a bit of an odd look, when I asked them if they needed help with washing or feeding (I am so used to my elderly patients who mostly need help with everything) but other than that, things went pretty well really.

Today was a good lesson for me; not to be scared of the unknown. Have more confidence in myself that I can adapt to a different way of doing things, and despite my shyness, work with different people. It was a great day.

Episode 126: Tired of Not Sleeping! — January 28, 2015

Episode 126: Tired of Not Sleeping!

What do you do to entertain yourself at 3am in the morning when you can’t sleep? It is so annoying You turn over, and over trying to get comfortable…then you need the loo so you stumble out, eyes half closed, get back to bed and…ZING! You are wide awake. That’s the situation I found myself in this morning….

Apart from the fact that I was resentful that both Mr Grump and the dog were snoring contentedly, I was cross because I had a day off and could have had a lie-in (I never do anyway, but in theory I could)!

So it’s off downstairs as there is no point in trying to force something that is just not going to happen. It’s a little chilly downstairs, so I put the kettle on for a nice cup of tea. I don’t however, turn on the heating otherwise the clanking and banging noises it makes as it fires up will wake everyone else up. Anyway I’ve got one of those snuggle blankets with the arms in!

So now what can I do? Well I can catch up with a bit of TV that Mr Grump won’t entertain watching. I particularly enjoy a programme where this ex-hotelier (now bankrupt and unemployed), has been employed as ‘Entertainments Manager’ at another local hotel, as the owners saw his fly on the wall series a couple of years ago when he ran his own hotels (obviously before he lost the lot)!

Anyway, this guy is so funny, as he spectacularly buggers up everything he touches, even though he tries so hard. It makes me laugh, and if I can’t sleep, I might as well be sat there giggling. I flick on my laptop and have a couple of games of ‘Candy Crush’ whilst I am at it as well!

I know some people like to get on with a bit of housework if they can’t sleep but that would not be a great idea where I live. I am too noisy and clumsy to start dusting especially if not fully awake. Plus the walls are so thin in my house that I would have half the square knocking my door, not to mention Mr Grump and Miss Hap, baying for my blood if I dared to vacuum.

No, I didn’t fancy living dangerously,  so I opted for a couple of hours watching telly and playing on my laptop, I was then ready to go back to sleep, which I did… a really deep sleep, so deep that when Miss Hap came in to have a snuggle before school, I woke up with a splitting headache, feeling disoriented, and in a nice bad temper! Oh, and still tired despite eventually getting enough sleep!

What do you do when you just can’t sleep?

Episode 125: Dear Hospital Visitor…….. — January 27, 2015

Episode 125: Dear Hospital Visitor……..

Today I thought I would do a slightly different type of post. It is something that has been on my mind of a while. so here goes……It is of course, just a little tongue-in-cheek, and purely my opinion!

Dear Hospital Visitor

We really appreciate the fact that you want to spend time with your loved one, and that is why we have made visiting hours so accessible for you; being between the hours of 2pm-8pm. We have even stated that if you wish to, you may come a little earlier in order to help your loved one to eat their lunch. We understand that in many cases, particularly with the elderly and frail patients, they will eat more when encouraged by someone who is close to them.

What we do ask, however, is that you remember that although the portions are quite large, the meals are just for the patient! We would like to try to build up their strength in order that they recover sooner and return to their normal lives, Eating well can help substantially with the healing process! You are welcome to bring in your own food, or even food for the patient if they desire something that we do not offer. Please try not to eat the patients’ meals as tasty as they may look. There is usually a canteen or shop available if you become peckish.

We enjoy our jobs as nurses/carers, and we pride ourselves in giving your relatives/friends the best care that we possibly can; treating them as if they are our own. So when you complain that your Mum/Nan has not had her hair brushed properly, or you berate us for not answering the buzzer  within a nanosecond, please remember this: We treat EVERYBODY as if they were our own as I said, so that means that we have at least another 5 patients that may need our attention as well. We may have just seen your relative two minutes ago , and although yes of course, we will plump her pillows for her again, there is someone else bursting for the loo.

By the way, it does help if you could bring a few essentials in with you, next time you visit. Soap, slippers, dressing gown and a brush or comb would be so handy. We do have hospital nighties and some slipper socks available, plus the volunteers occasionally give us soap, toothbrushes and combs, but they do not last long, and we prefer it if we can, to save those for the patients that have no-one that visits them (sadly there are a few of those).

Oh yes, when you enter the ward, we do have plenty of alcohol gel available for you to use, Every patient also has them at the end of their beds. As I am sure you are aware,one of the biggest transmitters of germs is our hands, It takes seconds to squirt a bit of gel into your hands; just by doing this small thing, you might save your loved one from catching a nasty bug and having to stay in hospital longer.

Last of all. please don’t turn up mob-handed! There is hardly any room as it is around a patient’s bedside, and if there are 8 relatives at a time surrounding the bed, it does make doing our job a little harder, especially for those patients that also have drips and other paraphernalia all over the place. It is an accident waiting to happen. To be on the safe side, keep the number to two visitors. That way nobody will trip over you, or trample you!

Thank you for your kind co-operation!

Episode 124: Mum’s The Word….. — January 26, 2015

Episode 124: Mum’s The Word…..

I was going to write about motivation today, or rather the lack of! I am still trying to get back on my feet, so to speak, after this nasty bout of depression, Finding motivation to do anything is a little bit tricky. Anyway, I typed the word ‘motivation’ into google (probably trying to get a bit of inspiration as well), and one of the results that came back was the word ‘notivation’ which according to the Urban Dictionary means the opposite of motivation. This describes my feelings to a tee!

Now, I do love words, and their meanings; I love playing with them  and rhyming them. I have the Oxford Dictionary, a few nursing dictionaries, also  couple of foreign language ones, however I never stumbled across this urban dictionary before. This is probably because I am old and a bit naff and this urban stuff is for the cool kids.

Oh how I wish I had found this site before. It is soooo funny! I have learned new words that need no explanation, but say ‘exactly what is says on the tin’! (I nicked that expression from an advert). What do you think about ‘ambitchous’? I love that! I could find a few handy uses for that word. I love the examples used on the site of how the words are best used, but they are too naughty for here, but hilarious all the same!

Being as behind the times as I am, no doubt you have already found this site 10 years ago, and it is probably old hat. For me though, it is like a guilty pleasure! I am a woman who is easily pleased, and I have found no end of amusement and entertainment browsing through some of those words! I take my hat off to those that thought some of them up. Very clever.

I think it extremely important to have a wide and varied vocabulary, and I have just added a few more (albeit dodgy) words to mine! I might even try some of the cleaner ones out on my ‘street savvy’ 11 year old. That will make her cringe in embarrassment. She goes mad as it is when I try and sing along to some of the music she likes, but get the words wrong. Or, even worse, when there is a song out that has been rejigged and messed about with, from  years ago,and I will sing the original version!

Ahhhh yes, things are a-changing around here. I am no longer fuddy-duddy Mum,  I am ‘sick’ Mum! (In more ways than one I reckon)!

It

Episode 122: Fools Rush In…. — January 25, 2015

Episode 122: Fools Rush In….

It has been nearly 4 months now since I have managed to stop smoking, which is all well and good, but I am STILL waiting for some of the benefits to kick in!

I am not the most patient of people, I have to say, and I do not like having to wait long for things. If I am on a diet (which I am , constantly) then I expect to have lost a load of weight by the end of the first week! I will jump on the scales every morning and if I have not lost at least 2lb, then I am not happy! After all, if I am to be constantly hungry and as a consequence, grumpy, then I expect the scales to reflect the sacrifices I have made.

Last Christmas I treated myself to a very expensive mascara. Now, I don’t even wear makeup every day, but when I do, I like to look nice. This mascara was supposed to make me look like I was wearing false lashes. It didn’t. It just looked like I had got heavy handed with the wand and put too much on, giving that thick spider’s legs effect!

I have tried foundations that promise to knock years off your age and give you  a smooth flawless skin or some such outlandish claim (to be fair though, they need a decent face to work with). I couldn’t wait to try it, but it just sank into the wrinkles and crevices in my skin, making me look ridiculous.

I am pretty rubbish at Christmas and birthdays as well. If I see a present wrapped up that is for me, I will poke it, prod it, and shake it, trying to guess what it is as I can’t wait to find out! I have actually improved over the years, as I now no longer undo a bit of the tape carefully, and look inside the package, and then have to feign surprise on the actual day!

That is the trouble with me. I go about things in a gung-ho fashion, and expect to see instant results! I had patches to help me with the nicotine withdrawal and I did manage to cut those out completely within three weeks. However because I was desperate to cut those patches out so quickly, and rid myself of the nicotine sooner. I nearly sabotaged my success by rushing things.

So although I am still waiting for my sense of smell and taste to return, I will try to be patient, or risk setting myself up for disappointment!

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