Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 107: Henpecked…By The Dog! — January 17, 2015

Episode 107: Henpecked…By The Dog!

Our little dog Roxy rules the roost in our house. She knows what she wants, and uses her big brown eyes (or other methods) to let us know all about it…..

Our day normally starts with her waiting to go out for her walk. When I am working and get up at dark o’clock, she knows it’s not time for her yet, so she settles back down whilst I have my bath. As soon as I come in to wake Mr Grump up, she is waiting for the signal…(Usually me pulling the blinds and whacking him on the back) and then she goes berserk.

She jumps on his head, licking his ear frantically, until he gives in and gets up. Then there is the 2 minute dance routine whilst he is trying to clip her lead on. Although she can’t wait to go out, she twirls round and round excitedly so it’s a struggle to catch her and keep her still long enough to attach the lead!

Finally, off they trot for their walk; and it’s breakfast when they get back. On my days off, Mr Grump has to give her a doggy biscuit or she will not settle when he leaves for work. If she doesn’t get it, I will  be in the front room and hear this ‘bap….bap’  from the kitchen. It is Roxy reminding me that I have forgotten her biscuit.

During the day, she curls up in the comfiest  spot awaiting the return of her beloved ‘Daddy’. As soon as he comes in, she is ecstatic and bounces around all over the place, slobbering all over him and tripping him up as she gets under his feet.

She has her dinner first and then the rest of us sit around the table for ours. She knows she will not get scraps from the table, and gets told off for begging (she makes this pitiful howling noise, and tries to catch someone’ s eye, with her big brown ones. Think a doggy version of ‘Puss in Boots)’.

Craftily, she sits under the table just in front of Miss Hap, as she knows that something will inevitably fall onto the floor which she devours  in seconds. My daughter always leaves the table first and nearly always leaves something on her plate, which she takes out into the kitchen.

Two minutes later bap….bap. Roxy is calling us as she knows there are leftovers to be had. Sure enough Mr Grump usually gives her a bit of whatever it is, and doesn’t listen to me when I tell him he is spoiling her!

In the evenings she is snuggled up on Mr Grump’s lap mostly. She does have a little bed of her own, but rarely goes in it. No…she likes to clamber over her ‘Daddy’ and hates it if me or Miss Hap go near him, as she is jealous. She makes a strange noise and nips at his nose frantically, making sure she gets all the attention!

Even when he goes to the bathroom, he gets no peace.  Roxy comes over to me bap…bap,  jumping up at me pulling my hand until I get up and let her in with him! Weird or what?!

Finally at bed time, she waits for us to go up, goes to check on Miss Hap, and then gets on the bed, straight to Mr Grump!

So much for my little lap-dog!

Episode 106: A Calculated Move…. — January 16, 2015

Episode 106: A Calculated Move….

Miss Hap was a little late home from school yesterday as her friend was rehearsing for her role in the school’s production of ‘Jungle Book’ (My daughter did audition for Mowgli but didn’t get it, and didn’t fancy any of the other roles). She didn’t want to get the bus home on her own, so decided to wait for her friend, which meant that she arrived home cold, tired,hungry, crabby AND with a sore throat.

Luckily, I had already prepared dinner (contrary to my moan about housework, I did end up doing it, of course) and it was ready and waiting for her on the table. Mr Grump was unusually late home so his would have to be re-heated later on. Miss Hap and I are much the same when it comes to our food, and we didn’t see the point in waiting any longer for ours, so we tucked in.

Although my daughter felt grotty, she apparently had some maths homework given to her that had to be in the next day. This is unusual as normally, although they do get loads of homework, they get a week to do it in. Anyway, she is always a bit vague on what homework she has, so I told her to get on with it, whilst I did the washing up.

As soon as I came back in the room, she was moaning, I asked what was the matter and she complained that she didn’t have the ‘right calculator’. Ii was mad as we had brought her one in September,

“Oh that one is no good, I need to have a Casio scientific one”.  Well I was not happy. I asked her what she was trying to work out, then got completely lost as she tried to explain it to me! I am not totally stupid, but neither am I great at maths! I advised her to see if there was an online scientific calculator she could use, but she was one step ahead and had already tried it.

Before I could stop her, she was e mailing her maths teacher (can you believe it)? telling him of her plight. At that point Mr Grump stomped in muttering and moaning; also cold, tired, crabby and hungry. Miss Hap regaled him with her tale of woe, and Bless him, he put his boots back on, and set off to get her this bloody calculator!

My God, how school has changed since I went there, as you can read here. I don’t remember being allowed to use calculators (they were quite a novelty and pretty basic when I was her age). It amazes me now all the different functions that they are now capable of doing. My maths teacher was terrifying. I would have loved to have seen her face if e-mail had been around then and I had dared to send her one regarding not doing my homework!

Apart from the eardrum-bursting bellowing that would have ensued, berating my audacity and stupidity,I would probably still be in detention to this day!  Thank God teachers are a little more ‘approachable’ today. (Mind you, some teachers are a little too drippy for my liking at her school, but I digress).

Anyway, the homework was completed, and  my daughter was duly sent to bed with paracetamol to reduce her fever. I gave Mr Grump his re-heated dinner, but he told me that he had gone past it now, and he left quite a bit of the chop. Never mind, I swooped it up and it was gone before he could change his mind. Very nice it was too! Well, I had to feed my poor brain as it had been overstretched trying to understand that maths homework!!

Episode 105: Older On The Outside!! —

Episode 105: Older On The Outside!!

It is not very much fun getting older

My waist seems to have disappeared

My face is all wrinkled and crinkled

And I appear to be growing a beard!!!

My hair that was once lush and golden

Now thin with a smattering of grey

My boobs that used to be perky

Getting droopier, more every day

My legs are looking like tree trunks

My bum is no longer pert

My knees are squeaky and creaky

If I run, I know it will hurt!

But I know I ought to be grateful

As some of these flaws I can hide

Cause although I appear to be ancient

I am still just a teenager inside!

Episode 104: Oh, How I Hate Doing Housework! — January 15, 2015

Episode 104: Oh, How I Hate Doing Housework!

Oh, How I hate doing housework

There a huge pile of ironing to do

The carpets all need to be vacuumed

And I still haven’t tackled the loo!

There’s dust all over the TV

The bath is covered in grime

I haven’t started preparing the dinner

What HAVE I done with my time?

The sheets on the beds will need changing

The washing bin is filled to the brim

The floor in the kitchen needs scrubbing

The state of the bathroom is grim

I’m fed-up with all of this housework

It really gives me the hump

I think I’ll do some more blogging

And leave the chores to poor old Mr Grump!

Episode 103: Sugar and Spice?…Not Bloody Likely! — January 14, 2015

Episode 103: Sugar and Spice?…Not Bloody Likely!

Having read a post  on Behind The White Coat, which gave tips on looking good in the middle of the night (for a female doctor), I realised that us women get a bit of a raw deal sometimes….

There seems to be an expectation that women should look nice all the time. Yes that is all well and good, but for me, even if I start off looking nice it doesn’t last long. My hair will get knotty and become more and more kinked as the day goes on; if I am wearing make-up I will inevitably forget and rub my eye or something , thereby smudging mascara halfway down my face, and end up looking like something out of a horror show. If I wear heels, it is a disaster waiting to happen. However, it does not stop me as they are so elegant – only not when you go over on the side of the shoe, or get the heel caught in a grate, carry on walking to find you a bit lop-sided and minus a shoe. Worse still, there never seems to be any grip on a pair of heels, and if there is a slippery surface, God help me, as at the very least I will do is skate and skid for a bit, but more often than not,  end up in a heap on the floor, dazed, legs akimbo, and knickers on show to all and sundry!

All that is when I do make an effort. There are many times when I do not wear make-up. I must admit, I must frighten people (especially the patients when I am at work) with my pale, pasty skin, and  dark circles under my eyes. I also have a ‘determined’ kind of a walk. I can’t help it, but I have shoulders like an American Football player, and someone once referred to me as ‘stocky’! How bloody rude, stocky! Anyway, although I  am pretty short, I probably look a dreadful fright  if I were approaching someone from the opposite direction, barging my way forward, ghostly pale, and my Medusa-style hair  flying about!

At least we can wear high heels though if we want to, They can make us look taller, our legs look longer and slimmer, and give us a sexy ‘wiggle’ in our walk (well for some women they can). Poor old men dip out a bit here. Especially as some men still feel a bit uncomfortable if they are shorter than their female partner. Now unless they have got either the flair to pull off a high-heeled boot like Prince or Simon Cowell, or they wear ‘lifts’ in their shoes like Tom Cruise, then they are just going to have to lump it, or stand on a box when photos are taken!

Likewise corsets body shapers, Spanx etc.  Us women can try to hide a few inches or look a bit slimmer by cramming our flesh into instruments of torture specially made underwear that is designed to flatter the figure, (even if cutting off the circulation).We also have the uplift bras, and chicken fillet things that ‘enhance’ our boobs, whilst men don’t really have that luxury; the best a man can hope to do is shove a shock down his underpants or something. A word of warning here though, there is no point is wearing all this stuff if you are out on the pull because there is going to be a lot of disappointment later on, when the flab is unleashed, the fried eggs are revealed, and ……well you get the picture!

However, being a woman does have some advantages… I have, on more than one occasion (more so when younger) acted ‘The Dumb Blonde’ in order to get some help. My friend used to have this really old banger of a car, which broke down more often than it actually went. Many is the time I have had to get out and try to bump start it, or we would open the bonnet and look helplessly inside (none of us knew what we were looking for). I have not refused help if some kindly gentleman has seen us and offered to help push, or see if he could work out what the problem is, Thinking about it, I didn’t have to act the dumb blonde, I was one! (As far as cars are concerned at least).

It’s not so bad being a woman really!

T

Episode 102: Food For Thought…. —

Episode 102: Food For Thought….

I have a bit of an addiction

This really is not very good

Now that I’ve given up smoking

I’ve become more attracted to food

It gives me the comfort I’m seeking

It is there when I need it the most

I can never resist a steak dinner

Or perhaps a traditional roast!

I am also partial to takeaway

I love chicken curry and rice

Or cod and chips from the chippy

Always goes down rather nice

I wish I wasn’t so greedy

As I’m putting on more and more weight

My portions are always so generous

I need a much smaller plate!

I am on the road to redemption

I’m starting to gain some control

I’ve started to eat much more healthily

And have ditched the pies and the rolls

I really have to stop snacking

This will help me along in my quest

To finally kick this addiction

And get me looking my best!

Episode 100: What Music Defines Your Life? — January 13, 2015

Episode 100: What Music Defines Your Life?

Here we are at my 100th Episode! I have decided that this one is going to be an upbeat and positive one! No mention of anxiety or weight gain allowed! Focus on the happy, that’s the order of the day! As you may already know, music is something that makes me happy, and I have taken my inspiration for today’s episode from my local radio station! One of the presenters chats to a guest about music throughout their life, and I am going to write my take on it!

On the day that I was born, ‘These Boots Are Made For Walking’ by Nancy Sinatra was number 1 in the UK charts. A good strong song, by a feisty woman,  with a  no-nonsense message! That’ll do for me; even if I still quite haven’t got the degree of feistiness that she has yet! I am getting there though. I am not as shy, by any means, as I was, and have become much more assertive.

One of the first records that I bought with my pocket-money was ‘Morning side of The Mountain’ By Donny and Marie Osmond.That was probably influenced by my older sister who worshipped the Osmonds,  Donny in particular. I did however, love them as well, and luckily, as she was older than me and could afford to buy their albums, I spent many a happy time with her listening to them.

As a little footnote to that story, about 10 years ago, Donny was performing at Leeds Castle, which was not too far away from where we live, My sister and her friend had got tickets, and invited me to go with them. It was wonderful. Beautiful surroundings on a balmy summer evening (no, it didn’t rain). He had a few large screens up which showed pictures of his family as they were then (which made me cry when I saw how old they all looked). The mostly middle-aged female crowd of around 6500, still swooned, and crooned along with him, singing his most popular numbers.

As a teenager, I was into all sorts of music, but I particularly remember ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ by Rainbow, as well as Meatloaf’s ‘ Bat out Of Hell’ album. My Mum and step-dad used to go away at weekends sometimes in their caravan by themselves. My older sister and brother would look after us, which was great as we would inevitably have a house party! I remember extremely loud music, loads of teenagers, and a lot of smoking and drinking going on! However, it was pretty innocent really, as we never got busted.

I left home at 18 to join the army, which is where I originally met Mr Grump. For me ‘Love Is A Battlefield’ and ‘We Belong’ by Pat Benetar pretty much summed up our relationship back then! I also used to listen to a lot of Bruce Springsteen with my best mate Karen as well. She was responsible for Mr Grump and I getting back together 25 years later!

The song at my wedding to Miss Hap’s father was ‘Eternal Flame’ by the Bangles. a beautiful song, and it was a good day; unfortunately  though,the flame went out!

When I was in labour with Miss Hap, my two sisters were with me in the delivery room. It was a boiling hot evening around 11pm and I knew my daughter was about to be born. We had brought some CDs in with us to while away the hours, and for a bit of distraction. Anyway, as Miss Hap came into this world Tom Jones was belting out ‘It’s Not Unusual’. Probably not the first choice for many, but I love that number!

My step-dad was very good with Miss Hap when she was a baby, I had moved back home with him and Mum just before she was born, and they both doted on her. He would proudly push her pram around the town when we went out, and was very good at soothing her when she cried (or bellowed, as she was VERY loud)! Sadly, he became ill with lung cancer and died when my daughter was only 4 years old . My Mum chose ‘ The Power of Love’ by Jennifer Rush for the funeral. A very emotional song that is still quite hard to listen to.

Mr Grump and I decided that we would have a small, family wedding, and luckily for us, my brother-in-law is a very good musician and singer. We chose ‘Chasing Cars’ by Snow Patrol as one of the songs we would like him to sing for us, which was wonderful. He also sang ‘Hotel California’ by the Eagles which we all love, and everyone sang along. A very touching moment. He and my sister recorded it for our 1st anniversary which was brilliant.

My Dad always loved the musical ‘The Phantom of the Opera’. I think he and my step-mum had been to see it several times. When he sadly died a couple of years ago, she chose a couple of the songs from it for his funeral. However, for me, it was the hymn ‘Going Home’ that was more poignant, as well as very apt.

I know I said I was going to be upbeat, and yet  I have included some songs that have been at terribly sad occasions. However, they still evoke happy memories of  two men that were very influential and positive figures in my life. It’s funny how we associate songs with people as well as events in our lives.

I hope you have enjoyed my little musical trip down memory lane.

Episode 98: Facing Facebook! — January 12, 2015

Episode 98: Facing Facebook!

Good old Facebook. It has many good qualities, such as sharing news, keeping up to date with family and friends etc, but it does have its downside as well. Especially if say, a family member has a particularly awful photo of you, and they decide to share it on Facebook so everyone gets to see you in all your glory…..

Coincidentally, I have just been passing messages with Tonya from Fourth Generation Farmgirl regarding the pic she posted of herself wrapped up against the cold. She told me that her husband had posted it on Facebook as well. I laughed as I have a niece who likes to post photos on Facebook, who me and my sister often tell off, as there is yet another unflattering pic of us posted for all to see.

I remember  one of the first pics she posted was of me wallowing about on the beach next to my ex-husband, who had rather colourful and unflattering swimming trunks on! I was not happy, especially as I worked at a secondary school at the time it was posted; some of the kids saw it, and I got a bit of ribbing for it!

She also put one on of me and my older sister doing a bit of karaoke (when it was first popular in the UK, back in the 80’s). It was Christmas time, and I was dressed all in gold! (I always like a bit of sparkle at Christmas, but this was a bit much by anybody;s standards.  I think I had recently had my hair done as well as it looks rather curly which it is not normally. Anyway, here for your amusement is said pic. (I have cut out my sister as she would kill me)!

80's pic

Now my niece is beautiful, (in fact all of my nieces are) and along with that, very photogenic so there is never a dreadful picture of her; she also has a very good dress sense (Thank God she doesn’t get that from her Auntie)! I however look horrendous in photos, particularly now as I have put on a lot of weight in the last few years.

I hate my photo being taken, and I have tried to pick out the best of a bad bunch to put up on Facebook. However, today I have just been on there and I noticed that my niece had put up an old pic of herself, which apparently was her first profile picture. Of course it is a lovely pic, and she has nominated me to do the same!

Well I did find my first profile pic, and I have put it up on Facebook. In fact, I had no objections at all. The reason being is  I look a damn sight better than I do now! In fact, when I came across that pic earlier on today, (it was taken just after my 40th birthday) I cried my eyes out! It doesn’t  look like me anymore. I realise that I have changed so much in just 8 years.

In fact at my doctor’s appointment today (Still trying to sort out my anxiety), one of the things he asked me to do was to work really hard at losing weight over the next 6 weeks before I go back to see him again. So, I am using that old profile pic as my kick up the arse to get myself motivated to lose that weight, and get back to being me again!

Episode 97: Messy Miss Hap! — January 11, 2015

Episode 97: Messy Miss Hap!

My daughter’s room is disgraceful

There are clothes all over the floor

Her school bags are chucked in a corner

And you can’t even open the door!

Her linen is rumpled and crumpled

And piled in a heap on the bed

The poor old goldfish neglected

If it wasn’t for me it’d be dead!

Her keyboard stands right in the centre

It’s lead still plugged into the wall

The bin’s overflowing with rubbish

This mess just won’t do at all.

Well it’s time that she got it all tidied

I’m sick of having to moan…

And nag her to clean up her bedroom

Or I’ll confiscate her iPhone!

The threat worked, and the room is tidy……for now!

Episode 93: Four Wheels On My Wagon….. — January 9, 2015

Episode 93: Four Wheels On My Wagon…..

I thought I would give my blog a bit of a make-over. Seeing as this is the start of a new year, in which I hope my blog continues to grow and improve, there is no time like the present to set the wheels in motion…….

Slight problem though! One of the wheels has fallen off, plus the brakes are jammed on! I seem to be incapable of doing what I thought was the simplest of things. I wanted to insert an audio link. Yes, that;s all, a silly little audio link. You would think that it would be easy peasy. Well so it might be for a four-year old , but I can’t bloody do it! Even after 2 hours of trying.

I think I must be missing some sort of  ‘common sense’ gene somewhere along the line! I worked in an office for 10 years for Christ’s sake and I can’t even do a  teeny-weeny link!. It didn’t start well when I couldn’t find an audio programme on my laptop. I didn’t want to use the video as I want to try to GAIN followers not scare them off. Anyway, I did it on my phone and (eventually) managed to send it to my laptop.

Great, so far so good, and it only took about an hour to do it! I had my post all ready and all I needed to do was to insert the audio link and ‘Bob’s your Uncle.’ Sorted! Only no, it was not sorted. WordPress did not like my audio clip (I know my voice is a little deep after years of smoking, but some might find it soothing)! It was the wrong type of file. There was a list of right types of files but of course I couldn’t convert mine to that type, and I think even if I do, then I need to upgrade (story of my life)!!!

So sod it! I will have to rack my brains for some other ideas instead.

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