Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 156: Love Is In The Air…. — February 10, 2015

Episode 156: Love Is In The Air….

With Valentine’s Day looming ever closer, some single people are trying to make themselves a little more appealing in order that perhaps they might find a bit of romance for the big night!

It doesn’t matter how old you are, we all like to feel that we have still got some sort of physical attraction left in us, even if it is a little past its sell by date, and needs a bit  of perking up.

One of my old ladies is 100 years old. Up until now she has lived at home with just a couple of visits from carers during the day. She can walk out to the loo with her Zimmer frame, but occasionally gets lost on the way back to her bed area,

On Saturday, I noticed that she had done a detour back from the loo and was talking to our male charge nurse at the nurse’s station. After a while I walked back to her bed with her and teased her about chatting up the men,

“Oh you don’t have to be jealous dear, at my age you take what you can get!” It had brightened her day talking to him for a while. I don’t suppose she gets to see many men, and she obviously enjoys their company. Whilst in hospital she is making the most of it; I know she loves it when the young male physio comes to see her.

One poor 82-year-old woman is not so lucky with attracting a man, and apparently decided to do something about it. She went into a pharmacy and helped herself to a ‘Sexiest Fantasies’ bottle of perfume. Now she might have already got a man for all we know, and with the release of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ may have decided to squirt a bit of that on before indulging in God know what with her partner!

Somehow I don’t think so, and unfortunately she was caught as she left the store, and ended up giving it back, and getting arrested for her sauce! I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for her, as the perfume promised that it was ‘as addictive and seductive as the woman that wears it’. She wanted to bring out her inner ‘sex goddess’ but got thwarted before she could even get started!

It just goes to show that no matter how old you are there is still a bit of room left for romance, even though it may end up being just a fantasy!

Episode 151: A Wintry Walk… — February 8, 2015

Episode 151: A Wintry Walk…

There’s nothing like a nice brisk walk on a chilly, but dry Sunday morning, especially when you have no choice!

I have still not got my car back (apparently I should get it tomorrow) from the ‘mad professor, so am not in a very good mood; particularly as I forked out a small fortune to get to work yesterday. In our wisdom, myself and Mr Grump decided that we only needed one car between us as he has the use of the work van during the week, and as I only work part-time, my car will be there most of the time anyway for when he is not. In a nutshell, it means we are vehicle less at the moment!

Anyway. we needed some shopping so decided to do the Supermarket walk again. After all, it is a nice walk, and there are not many busses running on a Sunday even if we knew which one to catch, Miss Hap decided that she was going to see Nanny for her Sunday roast (we have one too but Nan’s is better of course) so it would just be the two of us going,

We wrapped up against the cold and set off, blister plasters in place where I had rubbed my heel raw two days earlier on another walk. Actually I need the exercise and the fresh air (I have been a bit of a hermit lately apart from going to work).

Last week, when we did it, Miss Hap was zigzagging in front of me as we walked, so I spent a lot of time trying not to trip over her, and it seemed to take ages to get there. I hadn’t been in the Supermarket 10 minutes before I had a bit of a ‘funny turn’ and came over all hot and shaky. Luckily there is a cafe there, much to my daughter’s delight so after a bit of sustenance I felt as good as new. Typically for me, food sorted me out!

About halfway through the journey there is a business park where we cut through, which is home to a couple of hotels, the cinema, and a load of fast food places and restaurants. This made me realise that I hadn’t had breakfast, and Mr Grump not wanting a repeat performance of last week insisted that we get something to eat. What a bonus. That perked up the ‘healthy’ walk for me no end.

The walk back was very pleasant as well. We didn’t weigh ourselves down with too many bags this time, and I enjoyed being out, surrounded by trees and leaves,  A lonely little squirrel was running around from tree to tree and I thought it would be great to get a photo of him. Needless to say by the time I fumbled about, it had gone. I did manage to get a picture of him eventually though.

It has been a pain not having my car, but at least it has meant that I have noticed more of my actual surroundings, and have appreciated it….It really is the simple things that bring a lot of pleasure.

Squirrel

Episode 134: Egg On My Face…. — February 2, 2015

Episode 134: Egg On My Face….

“Mum, I’ve forgotten my bus pass”  are not the words that you want to hear at 8am on a Monday morning! Especially if you are still groggy form a dreadful nights sleep…..

My eleven year old daughter is disorganisation personified! No matter how hard I try, how much cajoling, wheedling, and finally grounding  makes no difference at all. She has a head like a sieve (no idea where she gets that from), and no amount of nagging, or should I say ‘reminding’ gets the information into her stubborn head!

I am at home today, waiting for my car to be fixed. I thought I might go mad and do a bit of housework, and other bits and pieces indoors. So for that reason, I have dressed appropriately. A pair of leggings and a long line short-sleeved top are perfect for the tasks I intend to carry out,

They are not however, perfect for having to hot-foot it to the bus stop to deliver the bloody bus pass!  I brushed aside the wearing of socks today, preferring to slop about in my comfy mid heel mules. The problem I had was that time was of the essence, as my daughter and her friend were hoping to catch the next bus at 8.20 and the bus stop is at least a 10 minute walk away.

I grabbed my heavy waterproof jacket and set off. As I was ‘clip-clopping’ down the road in my mules, I smiled at people who were scraping the ice off their cars, ready for work, There were a few raised eyebrows as they clocked my poor, freezing sockless feet in the summer mules, but i walked on head held high!

I phoned my daughter on the way and told her to meet me halfway. She agreed, but I finally caught up with her at the local park, about 2 mins away from the bus stop. Her and her friend sauntered in, totally unperturbed, scoffing sausage rolls (presumably with the money she got from the ‘tooth fairy’ last night)! She grabbed the bus pass, ignored my mini-rant, and dawdled back to the bus stop!

I sped home realising that I had left the pan on with my boiled egg for breakfast in it, hoping that I still had a home left! Luckily, there was a bit of water left in the pan and my egg was hard-boiled to perfection. Just as I like it!

I still have the problem of trying to get my daughter to remember her bus pass in the mornings. Any ideas?!

Episode 131: Blowing Away The Cobwebs. — January 31, 2015

Episode 131: Blowing Away The Cobwebs.

Today my mind was too full of worries and niggles and I was feeling a bit het-up. The weather was dreary and grey, although dry, and I was moping about totally unmotivated…

As food is never far from my mind, I asked Mr Grump what we were going to have for dinner tonight. I was not impressed with his suggestions, and tried to persuade him to do our grocery shopping today instead of tomorrow whilst I stayed at home.

Well he wasn’t having that. He insisted that we all go shopping and that we walk the  3 mile round trip, as it would do us all good to get some exercise. Surprisingly Miss Hap was up for it, but I tried to get out of it, However, I realised that if I wanted something nice for dinner then I would have to go with them.

So off we trotted. Actually it was quite nice, as we kept off the main roads and used the little footpaths that cut through a large wooded area. We kept up a brisk pace and chatted throughout the journey, so it was rather pleasant.

In no time at all we were wondering around the supermarket. Miss Hap and I browsed through some craft magazines, and a knitting one caught her eye. Funnily enough, I was thinking today how I would like to take up knitting again, as I hadn’t done anything for ages. Also I can actually knit (unlike my dressmaking attempts, where I try  – but fail). I bought the magazine which included a pattern for some knitted monkeys plus the wool to make it with.

Once we had bought everything we needed, we headed back home. This time the walk was not quite as pleasant. For a start, the wind had kicked up, and about 10 minutes in, the rain started falling. This coupled with the heavy bags (stupidly, we hadn’t considered carrying the shopping all the way back) made the trip a little more challenging!

Everyone was pleased to get back home in the warm, and once we had dried off and sorted ourselves out, I started to knit one of the little monkeys…I could feel the stress melting away.

Episode 129: Moongazing…… — January 30, 2015

Episode 129: Moongazing……

Mr Grump came home carrying a huge bag a week or so ago. Being curious, I poked my nose into the bag to discover that he had bought a second-hand telescope. I was quite excited about this as I would love to get a closer look at the night sky, and see the moon and starts in more detail.I just had to wait for a clear night to be able to use it…..

My patience paid off, and tonight is a beautiful clear night, with a 3/4 moon and a generous sprinkling of starts for me to wonder at. Mr Grump dug about in the shed, came back with the bag and emptied the contents onto the front room floor so we could assemble it.

The body of the telescope was about 4ft long and 6 inches wide, plus there were all these little lenses and mini scope like bits, and finally the tripod with cogs and dials on it!  Wow, this was going to be good, and Miss Hap will enjoy it too. The only thing that was missing though were the bloody instructions!

Mr Grump brushed off this little inconvenience and being pretty resourceful, got the tripod set up with no problem. He then attached the large  body piece. and started screwing little bits and pieces on here and there.

I took this opportunity to get myself wrapped up against the freezing weather and put on a few more layers, encouraging Miss Hap to do the same. Meanwhile Mr Grump had carted the whole telescope ensemble out to the back garden and was twirling knobs, looking intensely at the moon trying to get it into focus.

Miss Hap and I waited….and waited for him to get a good view; I decided that we might as well wait for a bit until he called us, so as not to distract him, Sure enough after a few minutes he called us. Excitedly I craned my neck and stood on tiptoe (not being very tall) trying to look through the eyepiece. I ooohed and aahed but could only really see about 1cm of white light! I beckoned my daughter to have a look which she did. I held her hand to keep her balanced as she strained to see. Just as she saw it, she managed to kick the tripod, sending the telescope plummeting downwards.

Mr Grump grabbed it, glared at us two who were giggling, and set about re-focusing it, only this time, lowering the tripod a bit first so that we could actually see through it. I did finally get to see the moon this time, but although I could pick out a couple of craters, was not overly impressed, as I was expecting more!

Anyway, I asked him to train it on a star, this time. It took him ages to find one (I don’t know why. the sky was full of them), He then hogged the telescope for ages! I asked him to let me have a look as I was getting cold and had already been waiting ages (I am not known for my patience). He decided that he would change the lens so I could see it better. then promptly lost sight of it altogether!

I stomped back into the warmth of the front room, and left M Grump to disassemble the lot and pack it away back in the shed (Miss Hap had already scarpered off bored).

I need a bog standard telescope I think. These fancy ones with all the bells and whistles on, are all very nice and all that, but dunces like me can’t cope with complicated!

Episode 121: Reasons I Love The Seasons….. — January 24, 2015

Episode 121: Reasons I Love The Seasons…..

Summer days spent swimming

And picnics on the sands

Strolls along the seafront

Lovers holding hands

Autumn leaves are falling

Golden leaves lay at our feet

Halloween and Bonfires

Kids going ‘Trick or Treat’

Winter and its freezing

Kids sledging down the hill

Holidays and presents

The season of goodwill

Spring brings new life with it

As nature’s cycle starts again

The leaves and flowers grow once more

Refreshed by winter’s rain

Episode 111: Growing Old even More Disgracefully…. — January 18, 2015

Episode 111: Growing Old even More Disgracefully….

Further to yesterdays’ post about some of the advantages of getting older I have come up with a few more:

You can get away with being sexist! This is a particular favourite with some of the elder gentlemen that I have encountered, Carole Parkes commented on my post about her 95-year-old father making an inappropriate remark to a pretty young woman, whose boyfriend was not impressed!

I know that my step dad was fond of making such comments as well.I would cringe if a busty young woman would come on TV as the inevitable comment ,

“You don’t get many of those to a pound” would come out, and he and my mum would titter (sorry couldn’t resist it) together. He would not be shy in making such a comment in public either. I think in his opinion, it was a compliment!

Most of us women ‘of a certain age’ have encountered the ‘dirty old man’ at some point in our lives. Now I am a fan of innuendo, dirty jokes and the like, but it creeps me out a bit when there is some old codger perving over a smutty punchline! By the same token, some of us have been unlucky enough to meet the ‘octopus’ on our travels as well. You know, the old man that pinches your bum as you walk past, or accidentally brushes past you and touches you intimately! Hopefully in this day in age, you don’t get too much of that!

I tell you what else you can do when you are old too – tell people off, or boss them about! Now going back to me dear old step-dad, he was quite an imposing figure to my friends. Although he was not very tall,he had a really BOOMING voice, with a thick west-country accent that, if you were not used to it, could be hard to understand!

Anyway, I remember a friend had called for my sister, just after we had dinner,  and my sister was doing the washing up. Her friend was waiting for her to finish and my step-dad walked past and hollered,(excuse my feeble attempt to convey the accent)!

” Don’t just bloody stand there, get thik teacloth in thee hand and dry up”! Terrified, her friend did as she was told! (Hmmm, I can see some advantages here, getting Miss Hap and her friends to do my bidding)!

Last but not least is the ability to pass wind, with no hint of embarrassment whatsoever! This one I have encountered many times, and it seems to be a very common trait amongst the elderly regardless of background. There are several categories to this that I have noticed, which are as follows:

  • The person that announces what they are about to do. You’ve guessed it, my step-dad is guilty of this one, When friends were round (they love an audience) he would be sitting on his chair. Suddenly remark about how he has ‘gut rot’ or something equally unpleasant, cock his bum up to one side and let rip! It’s ALWAYS loud!!
  • The person that walks along letting out small, loud bursts as they go, totally oblivious, and when you mention to them about it , they give you a bewildered look.
  • This is for the nurses and carers amongst us. The one that is let off just as you are about to wash a patient’s bottom. They seen to store it up for us, and when it is released after having fermented nicely for a while, it literally takes your breath away, as well as makes your eyes water!

As I am writing this, I am actually getting less and less worried about getting older. There is a lot of bad behaviour to look forward to if nothing else!!!

Episode 83: Spare a Thought for Our Elderly….. — December 22, 2014

Episode 83: Spare a Thought for Our Elderly…..

As Christmas Day approaches, we are doing our best at work to try to get as many patients home as possible. After all, nobody want to send Christmas in hospital if they can help it…..

Sadly some of the elderly patients we have in our ward at the moment will probably have a better time in hospital than if they were at home. After all, in hospital they have got people around them that they can talk to any time of the day or night,  Even if they don’t feel like talking, there is the security of knowing that somebody is there, looking out for them.

Last year I worked on Christmas Day, and it was quite a moving experience. All of the patients were given a present of some toiletries which were all nicely wrapped. Unfortunately many of them come into hospital without  any at all, and have no visitors to bring them in either. Although we do have some basic bars of soap and toothpaste etc, the ones they get as presents are much nicer.

The ones that could eat it were given a full English breakfast, and once we had got them looking and smelling lovely with their new toiletries the Ward Sister gathered all of the staff together so that we could go around each Bay and side room to sing Christmas Carols for them all. To me, this was the most moving thing of all. Many of our patients knew the words and sang along with us, as did some of the relatives that were there.

Many of them were crying, probably remembering Christmases past when they were celebrating with their own families One of our young Spanish Nurses was crying as this was the first Christmas she had spent away from her family, and I think by the end of it nearly all of us were crying! It was a very humbling experience.

After this the hot drinks trolley came around with a mince pie for whoever wanted one, and of course they were given a traditional Christmas dinner with all the trimmings plus Christmas pud for afters. We also pulled Christmas crackers with them, read out the corny jokes and gave them their little paper hats to wear!  As the Ward is mainly for elderly patients, many of them didn’t eat much, or weren’t able to pull their own crackers, but just the fact that they did not miss out on a traditional Christmas  just because they were in hospital meant a lot to them. In fact  for some of them, had they been at home it would have been just another lonely day

Episode 49: Cleaning out my Closet! — November 18, 2014

Episode 49: Cleaning out my Closet!

I am in dire need of a wardrobe overhaul. This morning as I was carrying out the depressing task of finding something to wear, I came across a bright colourful top I hadn’t worn for ages. Instead of wearing the usual black (I am still sticking to the myth that it is more slimming), I thought I would live a little, and wear the top with some trousers that match it perfectly…..

I looked through the hangers jam-packed in my wardrobe for the trousers, but without success. Funny, I know they are in here somewhere. I looked again, more frantically this time…nope….now I was on a mission….finding those bloody trousers was of paramount importance!  I pulled stuff out, ransacked the shelves…no trousers!  They seem to have gone into that void where the odd socks, stray gloves, and favourite knickers go!

Perhaps now is the time to actually go through my wardrobes and drawers and chuck out some of the stuff I no longer need. As I was rifling through, I noticed sparkly tops that had lost a few sequins and also some of their lustre; some chunky knit cardigans that  are a bit threadbare, bobbly jumpers, some lovely cream trousers( unfortunately 2 sizes too small now) plus a load of  unflattering, clingy (in all the wrong places) dresses, not to mention some grubby, grotty looking t-shirts that had seen better days (probably back in the 1980s when they were new)!

My problem is I can’t bear to let go of things. As well as my bulging wardrobes, I have suitcases and bags of clothes in the loft, those space-saving bags full of clothes in the airing cupboard, and even a couple of bits I have stashed in Miss-Hap’s wardrobe! You never know when you might want to wear something again, so clothes I have loved in the past have been kept ‘just in case’!

I have got clothes in a full range of sizes, as my shape has altered over the years, The smaller items I kid myself that I will be able to fit into again one day, and the larger ones are worst case scenario for if I put weight on again! Along with my clothes I have got a load of handbags and shoes (as most women know, you can NEVER have enough shoes) in different styles and colours.

I know there is no way I will be able to wear some of those shoes anymore. For a start, I do not have the best track record for even being able to stand up in some of the sky-scraping heels I have, let alone attempt to walk in them. However, they are pretty and some are sparkly, so I need to keep hold of them for ‘special occasions’. Same with the bags. Although I only tend to use one or two, it is more a case of me being too lazy to keep changing over the entire contents from one bag to another. If I rectify this, then I can justify keeping the bags. Sorted!

For some reason, I have also got a drawer which is mainly for swimwear! Now when you have a figure like mine, the pink and white spotted bikini with big buttons, only looks good on the hanger or in my imagination; otherwise it just stays neglected in the swimwear drawer along with the sassy little brown candy stripe bikini, two tankinis and numerous ‘mumsy’ one-piece swimming costumes (that  only come out at the swimming pool.).

I need to get myself motivated for the mammoth task, and try to be ruthless in culling my wardrobe and drawers. It’s not going to be easy though. I bet that I still end up talking myself out of getting rid of any of it!

I would love to know if I am in the minority with my cluttered cupboards; does anyone else have loads of clothes but ‘nothing to wear’ like me, or are you the types that have ‘capsule’ wardrobes and minimal clutter?

Episode 35: Remember, Remember The 5th of November…. — November 5, 2014

Episode 35: Remember, Remember The 5th of November….

Good old Guy Fawkes. Thanks to his botched attempt to blow up the House of Lords and King James 1st with it, we get to celebrate November 5th with fireworks and bonfires, which stems from the celebrations that occurred after the failed Gunpowder Plot of 1605.

In keeping with British tradition, it has absolutely bucketed down with rain all day. That’s such a shame for those that have built bonfires ready to set alight tonight, The weather has literally put a damper on everything as it so often does, but where there is a will there is a way, and it will take more than a bit of rain to put people off their celebrations tonight.

I remember a couple of years ago on bonfire night, myself, Mr Grump, Miss Hap and a friend of hers decided to climb right to the top of the nearby Downs by candle light with a load of other people,where we would be rewarded with a spectacular bonfire and firework display once we reached the summit.Mr Grump was going to catch up with us halfway up as he had not finished work yet….

Me and the girls waited with all the others at the starting point, but soon realised that we were at somewhat of a disadvantage as most people had sensibly bought lanterns, and torches etc, we of course had nothing! Never mind, we could just tag along with people who had a light in order that we could see where we were going. In theory this was a good plan, however in practice they were pretty fit people, striding along up the hill, and it didn’t take long for me to lag behind, puffing and panting. We waited for the next group with lights and started the long climb again, but I was totally out of condition, and was concerned that I was going to have a heart attack, with all the wheezing and blowing, stopping and starting.

At last we made it to the top, just as Mr Grump caught us up (He had been really crafty and  parked his van on the road about halfway up the downs, cut through the fields that were cordoned off for the ‘experienced walkers’) and was with us in record time! It was a beautiful sight right out across the downs where the whole town could be seen. Different coloured fireworks lit up the sky and it was a wonderful sight t behold and well worth the effort.

Tonight though for our family, we will not be venturing out, As I sit here by my back door, I can hear the whizzes, bangs and pops of a few locals letting off the odd box of fireworks The dog gives an occasional bark to show her displeasure at the noise , but she is surprisingly unafraid, As I have just returned from the doctor’s with a throat infection, fever, and a week’s worth of antibiotics  we have decided to stay in the warm and dry.(That’s what you get for giving up smoking)!!!

I remember when I was young, you very often used to see a group of kids (usually boys) with a rickety old trolley which had a lumpy, home-made effigy of a Guy sitting drunkenly in it, with a sign asking for ‘A penny for the Guy’. You don’t see that so much now though which is a shame. Some of those ‘guys’ were pretty good, normally made with someone’s dad’s old jumper and trousers stuffed with newspaper so it would burn better on the bonfire.

As for the fireworks, well we had never heard of Health and Safety back then. The Dads would be out in the garden letting rockets off out of milk bottles! Everyone would be ooohing and ahhing especially when the ‘Catherine Wheel’ was lit. Oh this was the showpiece,… Hammered in to the back fence it would start to turn very slowly , then speed up, twirling around and around shooting wonderful sparks and colours out as it went, then… Bang,,,it took off where it was not hammered in properly and everyone would be ducking and diving to avoid getting hit!

Things then calmed down with sparklers.Little kids would be waving them around in the air making pretty patterns with the glowing ends.Then the food which would normally be a huge warming stew or jacket potatoes cooked in the fire, plus other winter goodies….Ahh, yes, those were the days…Now though organised displays which people are encouraged to attend, charge and arm and a leg for 30 mins of fireworks which you can barely get anywhere near, and if you are lucky a measly hot dog or burger which are flabby and tepid!

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