Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Seven Embarrassing Sexual Fails! — April 16, 2018

Seven Embarrassing Sexual Fails!

I thought I would share another post from my broken blog, Edwina’s Episodes archives.

Sex is fraught with the potential for embarrassment, and a good sense of humour very often ‘comes in handy’  (if you’ll pardon the pun) to deal with some of the most common cringe-worthy moments that most of us have encountered at some stage in our sexual shenanigans!

  1. Things are heating up, the pace is getting faster, and more passionate, then…. PARPPPPP. Oh No, someone has let one off! You both freeze as the horror of the moment sinks in; hopefully, things will resume pretty quickly afterwards and the mood is not lost!
  2. Ready for a bit of bedroom action, everything is going well….kissing and touching,  breathing is getting heavier, your body is responding to the sensuous caresses but something is not quite right. You have noticed that your partner has backed off just a little. You are getting to the point now where touching is not enough, and as you reach for him, you realise that he is not quite ‘ready’. This is a bit of a tricky situation. You could try other things to ‘perk things up’  but sometimes it is just ‘flogging a dead horse’, or you could sulk, turn your back and seethe! The other option, of course, is to just snuggle up together and reassure that it doesn’t matter.
  3. If you have quite sensitive skin on your face, this one could be a problem. After a long, long night of hot and heavy action, and hours of passionate kissing, you might wake up in the morning with what looks like friction burns on your chin! I have actually had this happen to me and have had to think up some pretty (lame) excuse at work the next day as to how I got ‘that awful burn’ on my chin.
  4. Waking up the next morning only to find there is a patch of blood on the sheets! Mother Nature had paid you an unexpected visit during the night. Mortifying!
  5. Feeling sick just when things are getting going. This is really awkward as you cannot enjoy what is happening if there is a possibility of puking all over your partner! They won’t appreciate it either.
  6. You have got a bit of unexpected child-free time that you decide to take advantage of during the day. You have a bit of ‘afternoon delight’ with your partner, and as you are lying together in the afterglow, you can hear sounds of kids playing outside. You realise that all the bedroom windows are open and that half the street probably heard what you have been up to. Cringe!
  7. Whilst showing off your agility and flexibility getting into all sorts of interesting positions, you are attacked by CRAMP. It’s no good, you twist this way and that way trying to alleviate it, then end up leaping up and hopping about yowling in pain as it won’t go away! Passion is killed!
#SoCS Cramp — December 2, 2017

#SoCS Cramp

This week Linda has given us cramp to use for our Stream of Consciousness posts, which can be used any way we like.

I suffer terribly with cramp. It is not just in my feet or at night, it can be anywhere at any time. I have even got it when I have laughed and the muscles in my ribcage have cramped. So I going for laughing hysterically to grimacing and rubbing my side because it hurts!

I have suddenly shot up in a room because my calf has cramped, or if I am trying to be discreet, I rock my leg back and forth trying to ease the pain or straighten it out trying to see if that helps.

Of course, it can be embarrassing as well. I have had cramp whilst having the nurse doing the intimate examinations we women need to have, and at other times when cramp has been rather a passion killer!

I don’t understand where it came from as it started probably about 8 years ago or so. Sometimes if I get cold I might get it, but other times I can just turn around or brush my hair and I get it then too!

It really does cramp my style!

SoCS Cramp
Another Gym Experience and What I Gained — October 16, 2017

Another Gym Experience and What I Gained

As some of you may know, in my quest for a healthier lifestyle, I have decided to take matters in hand, and embark on losing weight and getting fit. I wrote about my experience last week when I went for the induction at the gym and how I didn’t even get to go on any of the equipment here,

[clickToTweet tweet=”Then the next disastrous episode when I ended up coming home minus my hairbrush and water bottle #loser” quote=”Then the next disastrous episode when I ended up coming home minus my hairbrush and water bottle,”] not to mention my pride which you can read about here.

I had still been all fired up with enthusiasm during last week, and did my best to eat some tasty and healthy meals cooked from scratch, some of which I even made myself!

Then along came Saturday; I woke up feeling a bit grotty and throaty. I was worried that I might be coming down with the awful cold that had been doing the rounds which I could not get away from. Mt Grump and Miss Hap both had it as well as some of my fellow Uni students.

My sister and her husband had invited us around to play a ‘Beat the Into’ game which is just sort of thing that I enjoy. I am pretty good on music that is decades old, as I might have mentioned before. Anyway, there were going to be snacks, and she told me that there was some special stuff for me due to me watching what I was eating.

I gorged on everything! Yes, I have no self-control when there are goodies to be had. I put it down to me feeling rough which worsened as the night wore on, despite us having such a laugh playing the game.

Sunday I was in the throes of a full-blown cold and sore throat, but that did not deter me from eating the ‘wrong foods.’ I needed white bread toast to scratch my throat as it went down for some relief. I had to make myself feel better by eating the type of comfort food that I am trying to avoid.

I was not as bad as I could have been; no chocolate or stodgy meat puddings, but not the lean, healthy, low-fat food I should have been eating. Add to that the stress of a test on Human Anatomy and Physiology which I could barely concentrate on to revise without a bit of ‘brain food’ and you can guess where this is heading!

Thursday I got weight and had put on a kilo. Bugger! It was not good, but at least I was starting to feel better and was getting back on track. Today I went to the gym as I had a quick meeting with my instructor to see how I had been getting on.

That was a bit embarrassing as I hadn’t even been since last week as I felt too rough! Anyway, just before I went, I found the hairbrush I thought I had lost last week, which was tucked into one of my trainers, so that was a result!

The only problem was, where was my white Superdry hoodie? Nowhere to be found, so it seemed. Mr Grump dropped me off, and this week there was no bag, just a water bottle ( a new one), towel and phone.

I got the card activated and just enquired about my water bottle and hoodie by chance, and as luck would have it, the hoodie had been handed in. How the hell could I have lost that, as it is not exactly small?!

Anyway, I dug out my programme and sat on the bike ready for my workout. I couldn’t get the bloody thing to work. After pressing all the buttons and getting the tv to work (not much good with no headphones), there was still no details that I wanted such as the time and levels etc.

Looking around for someone to help, perched on the bike, a friend walked past with her daughter, both of whom work at the hospital where I used to work. After a greeting and a hug, me still perched on the bike, I asked them if they knew how to do it but no luck. I got off it and went to the one next to it.

I finally got that to go and gave my friend the thumbs up sign as she came past again to leave!! Everything else went ok until it was time for the dreaded rowing machine! There is a bit of mutual hatred going on there. It punishes me dreadfully, and today I tried hard to master it and get the workout done as soon as I could.

I got cramp in my stomach! I had barely done 500m and cramp set in so; I tried nonchalantly to get off and stretch a bit despite being out of breath and my stomach tying itself up in knots.

I talked to the instructor about it, and after eyeing my rather sizeable stomach, she decided that perhaps I should have some extra time on the treadmill in future for a while and cut out the rowing machine.

So this visit, at least I gained things as well as lost them,1kg, extra time on the treadmill and my hoodie were gained, and I lost the rowing machine from my programme until I get a bit fitter!!! At least I came home with everything I went with this time and more.

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