Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 465: One-Liner Wednesday: Saucy! — August 19, 2015

Episode 465: One-Liner Wednesday: Saucy!

On walking into my bay of elderly ladies. I always wish them ‘good morning’ and then have a quick chat with them all. This is the response I got from one of them.

” You look cheery this morning, Did someone tickle your fancy last night?”

This post is inspired by LindaGHill

Episode 461: Recycled Teenager. — August 16, 2015

Episode 461: Recycled Teenager.

When my dad was well into his seventies, he and my step-mother still tried to live life to its fullest. They went off on all sorts of cruises everywhere, and when they were back at home, were members of various clubs; ‘The Walkers’ club and ‘Munch Club’ speak for themselves but they also belonged to what they referred to as the ‘Recycled Teenagers’ club, where a group of like-minded pensioners strutted their stuff to music and got up to all sorts of mischief.

For me, the teenage years although pretty uneventful are not ones that I would be keen to revisit. The one thing that I didn’t get as a teenager (apart from a bust, which I was very resentful about), was spots.

Yes, I was lucky as many of my peers suffered with dreadful acne that was both painful and soul-destroying for a young image-conscious teen. I escaped with the odd spot once a month and that was it.

So why the hell at nearly 50 years old have I suddenly got 4 spots on my face! All at once, all in the same day. I mentioned that I had a pretty rough day yesterday, but when I got home and took off my glasses, I thought the bridge of my nose was sore where they had rubbed, but no, there was a spot there, its twin had settled just near the corner of my eye, the triplet by the corner of my mouth, and its quadruplet right on top of a small mole I have just under my chin!

Not the most attractive sight in the world but when I asked Mr Grump to look at the one on my nose, he just laughed because it had caused the bridge of my nose to swell up a bit, making me look a little bit odd and distorted (well more than usual anyway)!

I know sometimes as we get older it is said that we recede back to our childhood! What happened to the 40s, 30s and 20s??!!!

Episode 447: Off-Key. — August 6, 2015

Episode 447: Off-Key.

I had to laugh today at work. As most of us know, some elderly people don’ exactly mince their words and they feel that they have earned the right to say exactly what they think. Although this is not always pleasant (A couple of days ago as I was trying to stop an elderly gent throttling himself with the bed remote control which had a long, curly wire attached to it, I was called a ‘stupid bi**h’ as he tried to bite my hand that was trying to release his grip on the remote).

Sometimes it can be funny though. The same man had earlier demanded that me and another nurse that were going to wash him ‘bloody get on with it, instead of just talking about it!’ (We like to inform our patients what is going to happen with them before we launch straight into stripping off their clothes)!

Anyway, today I was back in my usual bay with my ladies. I had gone on my break and when I came back, one of the Dementia Volunteers was playing his guitar and knocking out a few numbers that may be familiar to the patients, such as Buddy Holly, Beatles etc.

Now this chap is pretty old himself, and has a  ‘set’ of about 4 songs which he sings before moving onto the next bay, This is the same routine every week but I love it ,and so do most of the patients…..

Except one lady (she does not have dementia) who wanted him to ‘turn it down’. When told by the Healthcare Assistant that it was not polite to tell him to do that, and that he was giving up his own time to entertain people, she told her,

“well don’t expect me to applaud him!”

The patient had relayed all this to me when I went over to talk to her , and then with a wicked grin she looked up and said,

“Don’t you just hate bloody do-gooders”!

Episode 380: Heading South — June 18, 2015

Episode 380: Heading South

I just had to share this little story with you. At work this morning I was introduced to another new patient that had come to the ward yesterday whilst I was on a day off. She is a lovely, smiley lady but is in quite a bit of pain, not only from a painful hip but also a chronic itchy skin condition that covered her whole body.

Anyway, once I had washed her and slathered her in cream, it was time to get her up to sit out on her chair for a while. I had got her nightie on no problem whilst she was in bed and her knickers half on. I decided I would pull them up when she stood up as it was easier.

She eventually managed to stand up and I fussed around her, straightening her nightie and pulling up her pants. I asked her if she was ready to walk to the chair now with her frame; she looked up at me, smiled and said,

“You have tucked my tits in my knickers, love, they droop a bit as you get older! “

Episode 376: In Sickness and In Health — June 16, 2015

Episode 376: In Sickness and In Health

Today I was looking after a new patient that had arrived on the ward last night. She was very friendly and chatty, and despite having a few medical problems seemed to be in good spirits. She was pretty much bed bound due to severe lower back pain, especially on movement, and also had a long-term catheter in situ.

I had received a call regarding a PET scan that was being arranged for this patient at a nearby hospital for tomorrow, and was making the necessary arrangements for her transportation there, plus staff to escort her.

When I went into the bay, she proudly introduced me to her husband. I informed them both about the scan, and asked her whether or not she was claustrophobic, if she could lay down for 30 mins reasonably still, and did she mind needles. Her husband looked at me and whilst stroking her arm told me that she will have any test or procedure necessary in order that she would be well enough to go home with him.

He then told me that he looks after her, washing, dressing and emptying the catheter bags, explaining that he does not want any carers going in, as he will always be there. He then said that he would ‘do anything and everything, whatever it takes, just as long as it keeps her with him, and he doesn’t lose her.’

She looked at him lovingly, and I have to say, I was trying to swallow the lump in my throat, Yes, I know we marry  ‘for better or worse’ and ‘in sickness and in health.’ However, the reality of it for some people, though not romantic is true love!

Episode 370: The Purpose of My Life! — June 11, 2015

Episode 370: The Purpose of My Life!

A Momma’s View has set a challenge and prompt that she had nominated me, and a few others for. In it, she asks for us to say what we think our purpose in life is and what we’ll take home when we leave.

It’s funny but this is something I rarely think about when I am feeling all happy and bright! It is more something I ponder when I am feeling down and grotty, However, this is going to be a positive post so any negative vibes can bugger off and leave me to my happy thoughts!

I always thought when I was younger that my purpose in life was going to be something to do with children. When I was growing up I always wanted to be a Nanny looking after other people’s children before settling down and having my own family with quite a few children of my own. After all, I was one of six myself.

Becoming an aunty when I was 15 years old only reinforced this wish, to nurture and look after children, and I used to get up in the night with my niece to give her bottles, and babysit as often as I could.

Well, for a number of reasons, it was not meant to be that I had lots of children (Although I do have some waiting for me in heaven), or even fulfil my wish to work with children as I went off and joined the Army instead!

Fast forward a couple of decades, a couple of ex-husbands and a  fair few jobs, ranging from working for the Department of Work and Pensions to working in a kebab shop. plus a few more in-between! Then I got a job in nursing!

I loved it. My daughter was very young then (about 2) and I was on my own, but I managed to get this job as a Healthcare Assistant at the Day Hospital, working mainly with the elderly who came in for a number of therapies and meetings, as well as to attend clinics. This seemed like the job I had been looking to do all this time.

However. my hours got changed after 18 months, and as my daughter was just starting school at 4 years old, and no longer attended nursery I had to look for something else! Funnily enough, it turned out to be in the local secondary school on  the ‘Student Desk.’ What an eye-opener. I have never been sworn at so much in my life! Suffice it to say it wasn’t what I had expected it to be (huge respect to you teachers)!

Anyway, I got back together with Mr Grump at this time after 25 years apart and we got married. I managed to get back into nursing and go to University for 2 years to train for a higher position as I wanted to learn more. Again, by choice, I work with the elderly.

I feel perhaps my purpose in life was not to work with children (although I am truly blessed to have my daughter), but rather to try to help look after elderly people. To offer them a friendly face and cheery disposition, and have a few laughs with them as well.

As for what I will take home with me. I think it will be the knowledge that I have tried really hard. I have tried to instill in my daughter old-fashioned manners and consideration, and despite the challenges we have both faced, I do know that she can be compassionate and kind to others when needed. I have tried to be a good friend, a good mum (not always easy), a good wife (3rd time lucky! The other 2 husbands were not exactly the best either) and a good worker (I know at least I got that bit right)!

I would like to nominate the following, should they wish to participate:

Hugh

Sue Vincent

Rich

Donna

Rob

Ritu

Joey

Episode 338: Not A Positive Outcome! — May 21, 2015

Episode 338: Not A Positive Outcome!

I have read quite a few inspiring post lately about staying positive, focusing on all the good things rather than the negative. I am not too good at this but decided that it was time I turned things around and concentrated on the bright side of things.

Today was quite busy at work, and I was back to looking after my ladies again. It is a lovely day today and extremely hot and stuffy on the ward. Add to the mix a plastic apron and latex gloves (which are more often on than off) and it can get rather sweaty! (I should be a good couple of sizes smaller due to all the running around and sweating I do, but hey, I am not supposed to be negative)! Oh, and don’t forget to throw in the fact that my ladies get cold, so there are no windows open for longer than a nanosecond to let any air in either).

Anyway, a couple of ladies were upset due to an incident overnight, and I spent quite a lot of time talking to one of them to listen to her concerns, and give her some reassurance (Sister spoke to the other one). She seemed happy with what I had told her, and at the end of the conversation asked if it was ok if she could ask me a personal question. I of course, told her that it was, and she said,

“So when is your baby due?” Great! I have spent the last TWO MONTHS hula hooping trying to whittle myself a bloody waist, and that is what I get!  I was mortified (and so was she when I told her that I was not in fact pregnant). I am trying to find a positive to this, and the only thing I can come up with is at least she thinks I am still young enough to have a baby!

Episode 331: Being Silly on Saturday. — May 16, 2015

Episode 331: Being Silly on Saturday.

There is one song that always cheers me up whenever I hear it, and that is ‘Sexy and I Know It’ by LMFAO. I don’t know whether it is the lyrics, the silly video or just the beat, but whatever it is, it usually manages to bring a smile to my face.

Not only that, but I have noticed it seems to have an effect on others a well. A few weeks ago whilst I was queueing up in a gaming shop with Mr Grump and Miss Hap, this song suddenly blasted at deafening volume. I had to laugh as I a couple of teenagers were singing along, and even a couple of mums and dads were doing a bit of strutting along to it, embarrassing their red-faced offspring. It just seems to bring out the inner Sex God in people (whether they have one or not)!

So I thought I would share with you this advert that we have at the moment for Specsavers featuring this song. It is so silly, but I love it!

Enjoy.

Episode 264: Snail’s Nails — March 30, 2015

Episode 264: Snail’s Nails

Doing the job that I do, you have to have a pretty strong stomach at times, It is quite ironic really, as I  have always been pretty squeamish! I even have to look away in horror and action movies when there is too much blood and gore, regardless of the fact that of course, it is not real.

Mr Grump is totally the opposite, He loves it. He enjoys a good ‘fly on the wall’ hospital documentary where someone is having half their head drilled, or sawn off before a surgeon delves in and started poking about, pulling things around, or talking bits out. He is thrilled to see broken bones sticking out of skin, and blood pouring out massive wounds, he nudges me to draw my attention to it, but I don’t want to know.

However, when I am at work I can deal with blood, pus,puke, poo, festering wounds and horrible scars. As much as they can be pretty unpleasant at the time, I deal with it, then cringe about it later!

I might have mentioned before that I do not like feet! We have this poor old lady in that had probably not had her toenails cut for well over 10 years. They are so bad that the big toenail is all curled over and ridged, All the other nails are long too and dig into the adjacent toes although the patient says they do not hurt her.

Anyway, yesterday I was helping another member of staff to wash her, and as the patient turned over, she let out a squeal and complained that her toe hurt. Sure enough it was bleeding slightly, We got some dressings quickly and dressed the toe. The huge nail had completely come off in one piece.

Once we had finished I looked in the sheet. There was this huge chunk of nail, almost like an empty snail shell…except that it had a bit of skin still attached to it!…I felt a little queasy!

What makes you squeamish?

Episode 254: Dead Scary! — March 26, 2015

Episode 254: Dead Scary!

Being a funeral director must be a pretty difficult job. It is not something that everyone would be cut out for. Not only is it very sombre and serious (especially having to deal with grieving relatives), but also exceedingly lonely and eerie. I would certainly not fancy being on my own with a dead body for long.

Imagine, then the shock of one poor German undertaker who was minding his own business, going about his work when suddenly the lid was pushed off the top of a coffin, and a dazed voice asked,

“Where am I?”

Unfortunately, it took a while for the ‘corpse’ to get her answer as the poor undertaker was flat-out, sparko on the floor in a faint! When he regained consciousness, he tentatively looked into the coffin to see two open eyes staring at him. Freaked out he called the paramedics who took the ‘body’ (who by now had a weak pulse), to hospital. Sadly she fell ill died later on.

It turned out that this elderly woman lived in a care home and was found in the morning not breathing by one of the staff. A doctor was called who confirmed the death, then the woman was swiftly taken to the funeral home where she ‘woke up’ and scared the poor worker half to death!

The police have now got involved as they feel an explanation is needed by the care home as to why the death was improperly recorded. Meanwhile, the owner of the home is livid as they have become a bit of a joke with the press and the locals!  I wouldn’t have thought the poor lady was that chuffed either when she awoke to find herself in a coffin!

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