Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 216: Mum’s The Word! — March 12, 2015

Episode 216: Mum’s The Word!

On Sunday, here in the UK it is Mother’ s Day. My Mum is quite a character and I have written about her a few times over the last six months, which is no surprise of course, seeing as she is one of the biggest influences in my life! I thought I would share a few more snippets of her wise and wonderful ways!

She is 82 years old, yet refers to both of her neighbours and others younger than her as ‘old ladies’! That always makes me laugh. How old do you have to be before you consider yourself old?

She is the worst ‘re-gifter’ in the world! I think most of the girls in my family have been on the receiving end of something we recognised giving her for a previous birthday or Christmas present!

On a similar theme. She leaves the prices on all the presents and also forgets to label them, so sometimes you open a present which you really like only to have it snatched out of your hand and told it isn’t meant for you! Or worse still, you might get a rather snazzy pair of boxer shorts, which despite most things being unisex these days, some women are not so keen on the front opening!

When you phone her up if she does actually hear it and pick it up, you can barely hear her voice over the racket of the TV. It is positively BLARING! When you go round there, you are almost sent reeling with the assault on your eardrums!

She is one of the best cooks I know! Although my Mum does not do as much baking as she used to, she still makes a damn good roast dinner. As long as you can overlook the fact that the meat might have been cooked the day before and left in the microwave overnight as she put it there to cool down as it ‘is covered’ and then forgot about it!

She has a tissue permanently up her sleeve! What is it with old ladies and their tissues? I thought it was only little kids that had permanently snotty noses, (and they never have a tissue handy preferring to wipe it on whatever is to hand). Every room you go in there will be a crumpled up tissue!

Starts a sentence with, “I don’t want to be a pain but…” and you know you are not going to like what you hear next! She has just done all of her shopping and when you go to put it away she realises that she forgot to get milk or some other necessity that you had reminded her about constantly whilst in the supermarket! Or Another one…. you are all going out somewhere, a few miles away, you are nearly there when she tells you she has ‘forgotten her purse’. You tell her it doesn’t matter but no, you have to go all the way back to get it!

Those are just a few of the little ways my mum has that drive us all mad! However, she has been there for us all at some time or another over the years, and having six children could not have been easy for her, I hope she realises that she is appreciated!

Episode 210: Sitting On The Sidelines. — March 10, 2015

Episode 210: Sitting On The Sidelines.

Isn’t it funny how you present yourself to others, or actually how they perceive you. A change of  clothes or even a hair colour can give off totally different impressions. Our ward at work has been chosen for some research work to be carried out. A few of us staff are part of the project, and on occasion, we have been asked to carry out some observations. Today I was going to going to be interviewed by the researcher before we did ours.

In order to disassociate myself from being ‘at work’ I changed out of my uniform and left my hair down. Now I was ‘in civvies ‘ I would be able to sit quietly observing, without anyone distracting me. Not much chance of that…

As soon as I trotted onto the ward in my kitten heels, it felt weird. A few of the staff didn’t recognise me either! Anyway, I got myself settled into a chair ready to write my findings. I found it strange ignoring the buzzers, and not getting involved in anything, I did have a relative come over to  ask me some questions about his mother and instead of going to find out myself, I directed him to someone else.

When we had finished, myself and the researcher went to a ‘quiet’ area of the ward to talk over our findings. She also commented on the dress that I was wearing. (It was actually one I had made myself that only has a few mistakes)!  She complimented me on my ‘interesting choice of fabric’. Oh yes, it was black with white skull and crossbones all over it. Just the sort of appropriate garment to wear on a ward full of frail, elderly people!

Episode 156: Love Is In The Air…. — February 10, 2015

Episode 156: Love Is In The Air….

With Valentine’s Day looming ever closer, some single people are trying to make themselves a little more appealing in order that perhaps they might find a bit of romance for the big night!

It doesn’t matter how old you are, we all like to feel that we have still got some sort of physical attraction left in us, even if it is a little past its sell by date, and needs a bit  of perking up.

One of my old ladies is 100 years old. Up until now she has lived at home with just a couple of visits from carers during the day. She can walk out to the loo with her Zimmer frame, but occasionally gets lost on the way back to her bed area,

On Saturday, I noticed that she had done a detour back from the loo and was talking to our male charge nurse at the nurse’s station. After a while I walked back to her bed with her and teased her about chatting up the men,

“Oh you don’t have to be jealous dear, at my age you take what you can get!” It had brightened her day talking to him for a while. I don’t suppose she gets to see many men, and she obviously enjoys their company. Whilst in hospital she is making the most of it; I know she loves it when the young male physio comes to see her.

One poor 82-year-old woman is not so lucky with attracting a man, and apparently decided to do something about it. She went into a pharmacy and helped herself to a ‘Sexiest Fantasies’ bottle of perfume. Now she might have already got a man for all we know, and with the release of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ may have decided to squirt a bit of that on before indulging in God know what with her partner!

Somehow I don’t think so, and unfortunately she was caught as she left the store, and ended up giving it back, and getting arrested for her sauce! I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for her, as the perfume promised that it was ‘as addictive and seductive as the woman that wears it’. She wanted to bring out her inner ‘sex goddess’ but got thwarted before she could even get started!

It just goes to show that no matter how old you are there is still a bit of room left for romance, even though it may end up being just a fantasy!

Episode 111: Growing Old even More Disgracefully…. — January 18, 2015

Episode 111: Growing Old even More Disgracefully….

Further to yesterdays’ post about some of the advantages of getting older I have come up with a few more:

You can get away with being sexist! This is a particular favourite with some of the elder gentlemen that I have encountered, Carole Parkes commented on my post about her 95-year-old father making an inappropriate remark to a pretty young woman, whose boyfriend was not impressed!

I know that my step dad was fond of making such comments as well.I would cringe if a busty young woman would come on TV as the inevitable comment ,

“You don’t get many of those to a pound” would come out, and he and my mum would titter (sorry couldn’t resist it) together. He would not be shy in making such a comment in public either. I think in his opinion, it was a compliment!

Most of us women ‘of a certain age’ have encountered the ‘dirty old man’ at some point in our lives. Now I am a fan of innuendo, dirty jokes and the like, but it creeps me out a bit when there is some old codger perving over a smutty punchline! By the same token, some of us have been unlucky enough to meet the ‘octopus’ on our travels as well. You know, the old man that pinches your bum as you walk past, or accidentally brushes past you and touches you intimately! Hopefully in this day in age, you don’t get too much of that!

I tell you what else you can do when you are old too – tell people off, or boss them about! Now going back to me dear old step-dad, he was quite an imposing figure to my friends. Although he was not very tall,he had a really BOOMING voice, with a thick west-country accent that, if you were not used to it, could be hard to understand!

Anyway, I remember a friend had called for my sister, just after we had dinner,  and my sister was doing the washing up. Her friend was waiting for her to finish and my step-dad walked past and hollered,(excuse my feeble attempt to convey the accent)!

” Don’t just bloody stand there, get thik teacloth in thee hand and dry up”! Terrified, her friend did as she was told! (Hmmm, I can see some advantages here, getting Miss Hap and her friends to do my bidding)!

Last but not least is the ability to pass wind, with no hint of embarrassment whatsoever! This one I have encountered many times, and it seems to be a very common trait amongst the elderly regardless of background. There are several categories to this that I have noticed, which are as follows:

  • The person that announces what they are about to do. You’ve guessed it, my step-dad is guilty of this one, When friends were round (they love an audience) he would be sitting on his chair. Suddenly remark about how he has ‘gut rot’ or something equally unpleasant, cock his bum up to one side and let rip! It’s ALWAYS loud!!
  • The person that walks along letting out small, loud bursts as they go, totally oblivious, and when you mention to them about it , they give you a bewildered look.
  • This is for the nurses and carers amongst us. The one that is let off just as you are about to wash a patient’s bottom. They seen to store it up for us, and when it is released after having fermented nicely for a while, it literally takes your breath away, as well as makes your eyes water!

As I am writing this, I am actually getting less and less worried about getting older. There is a lot of bad behaviour to look forward to if nothing else!!!

Episode 85: Missing Molly…. — December 27, 2014

Episode 85: Missing Molly….

I can’t believe how quickly Christmas flew by. This year, it was just a small affair with me, Mr Grump and Miss Hap. We had a wonderful day though which began at 5.30 with an excited little girl coming to wake me up. It continued with lots to eat, lots to drink (Mr Grump was well away) and some board games to argue about!  (I won the LOGO game fair and square)!

Anyway, today it was back to work, and I was on  a late shift which I very rarely do. I don’t like going in halfway through, as it puts me out of kilter. No need to have worried though, it was the usual busy madness but with hordes of relatives thrown into the mix! Normally  when I have been off for a couple of days, I come back and everything is still the same as most of our patients are usually there for some while.

However, this time I only knew one of the patients as four had been discharged over Christmas and sadly, one lady had passed away only yesterday. I was particularly upset over this, as I did not expect it at all, In fact, I had told my daughter that she could come into the ward this evening when they picked me up and I would introduce her to ‘Molly’. She was a 94-year-old woman who was as bright as a button She had a fantastic memory, as I was there when she very first came onto the ward, and I told her my name as I introduced myself. She remembered it next morning plus all the other staff members’ names that she came into contact with.

She had a number of medical problems but was always bright and cheerful and loved a good chat. Her brain was sharp and she liked a laugh and joke. She knew little snippets about the nurses’ lives and would often ask us how our children were, or what decorations we had put up for Christmas; all sorts of things really ,just taking an interest in us. She would very often say,

“Give us a kiss” out of the blue, which we always did, or we gave her a hug, She was just a very warm and affectionate lady, who sadly had never had children of her own, due to a very bad miscarriage, as she told us. She did however, have nephews and nieces that came to visit her, who thought the world of her.

We do see many patients, and although we treat everybody the same, there are some that just stick in your mind for one reason or another. Sadly, due to the nature of our ward and the age of our patients, some of them pass away, which is always hard. However, for me, I am not only upset that Molly died yesterday, but also that I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. I had received a text from my daughter asking about meeting Molly which I saw at break time. I decided to tell her that Molly had ‘gone home’. I would like to think, that in some way she has gone home to be with her dear husband that had passed some years ago, and maybe even meet the child she had lost. I hope so.

Episode 16: Let’s Hear It For The Boys! — October 6, 2014

Episode 16: Let’s Hear It For The Boys!

Usually I like to get up early, but this morning when my phone alarm went off at 5.15am I wanted to pulverize it into little pieces, and sink back into a deep sleep. As I had very little sleep over the weekend, my head felt heavy, as I dragged myself out of bed to begin the day.

Unfortunately, I had to wake Mr Grump up as he was taking me to work today as Einstein was going to be fixing my car. His bulging eyes in a blanched, pale face told me that he still had his man flu, and just to confirm this, he let out one of his enormous sneezes. This is going to be a good day, I can tell……

As I entered the ward I realised I had forgotten to put on my belt with my uniform (Great, now I am going to be in the shit with the boss)! I might have mentioned before that I have no waist, so this bloody belt does nothing for me anyway, and I spend all day trying to re-arrange it so that it is somewhere around my middle. I could of course, wear the  tunic and trousers but for some obscure reason, I always get an ugly-looking rash on my lower leg that itches like hell, besides the fact that I look even worse in trousers than I do in the dress! Anyway…it was no good fretting over the belt, I was not brave enough to ask Mr Grump to come all the way back with it, so I would just have to hope that it went unnoticed.

Handover arrives, and out of the six of us that have turned up (Still short-staffed as usual), four of us have had this awful lurgy, and as the night staff tried to hand over, they were drowned out by various, snorts, sniffs, coughs and splutters, that had still remained with us. The other two poor unaffected staff are subtly moving their chairs out a bit from the table we are all sat around, trying fruitlessly to avoid the germs that are no doubt whizzing around in the air, looking for someone new to latch onto.

I was allocated to my usual Bay with six ladies, but the difference was this time, I was on my own! Usually there are at least two of us to a Bay, but as there weren’t enough of us to go around, and my bay was relatively easy, as I had 2 patients that could get about to the toilet, and could wash themselves with only a little help, it was decided that I could manage by myself, and if necessary ask the nurse-in-charge to help out.

It started off ok, breakfasts eaten, drugs administered, washing equipment given to those that needed it etc, and I was just going to give some help to someone else that needed it, when I was distracted by a patient from another Bay who was desperately trying to escape from the ward by the exit, which is right next to my bay. The nurse looking after her was trying to coax her back away from the door, but she was not having it, and lashed out at the nurse with the small teddy that she constantly carries around with her.

I tried to help, but to no avail, she was pulling at the doors, and banging on the glass trying to get out (we have a code to get into our ward as the doors have to be locked to stop absconders, and to get out you have to press a button on the wall some way from the door). Meanwhile, people were trying to get through the doors so there was a lot of dancing around trying to stop her getting out, whilst letting people in, trying to avoid getting whacked by the teddy at the same time!

After a while the patient got annoyed with the doctor who was innocently  reading some notes near to where she was standing, and once she had vented her spleen at him, she seemed to temporarily calm down and headed off back down the ward away from the door, swiftly followed by the harassed nurse, looking rather bedraggled as a few well-aimed blows had managed to dislodge some of her hair that was carefully tied back.

Normality resumed for a while and I got on with getting everyone washed,dressed, beds made, and helped them to sit out on their chairs, as it was by now nearly lunchtime  I could hear some shouting coming towards me , and I knew that it was the same patient coming back to have another go at getting away, this time even more angry and determined than before, and she was sparing no-one that tried to stand in her way…

It was at this moment,, that a senior matron came onto the ward, with about 10 eager Italian nurses in tow, who had just been employed by out hospital, and were visiting various wards to get a feel for what work here is like…luckily, the patient’s husband (who had been called to try to calm her down),had turned up, and had whisked her off into an office, uttering soothing words, as he went. It didn’t last that long before she started shouting at him though, before she wore herself out, and went to her bed to sleep for a while.

I managed to get through the rest of my shift (I usually only work ‘short days’) uneventfully, and just as I was writing up the last of my notes, the ward phone rang and it was for me. Mr Grump had come to pick me up and was waiting outside ( I know he is ill but it was bang on finishing time, and there was no need to ring me on the ward phone, for goodness sake) Impatient to get going and get home where he could suffer in peace,  I informed him that I had offered for him to give the ward clerk a lift home as we had an unexpected downpour; as she had a 30 minute walk, and would get soaked, I knew he wouldn’t mind dropping her off in the opposite direction to where we live, on a very busy road, with a huge school that had just finished for the day, culminating in a massive traffic jam!

Credit where it’s due, he put a smile on his face and even chatted a bit on the journey, and didn’t  swear when a van pulled out of a side street and he had to jam on the brakes to avoid it!

It’s quite sweet really, that although we might take our partners for granted a bit, they do put up with a lot. That poor patient’s husband bore the brunt of her tongue lashing as well as a good few clouts from teddy, with patience and understanding, even though it really hurt him to see her like that… and although Mr Grump does love to have a moan about everything, he was good enough to take me to and from work although he didn’t feel like it at all.

Episode 6: Just an Ordinary Lunch …. — September 26, 2014

Episode 6: Just an Ordinary Lunch ….

For many people, sitting around a table for a nice civilized lunch is something they take for granted,,, however in the hospital where I work, lunch is a much more  individual affair….today, however was different…

This week had been pretty hectic at work. We have a total of 27 patients, across 4 Bays, 2 of which are male and two female. There are some patients which we need to keep more of an eye on as they like to go for little walks up and down the corridors, and anywhere else they can get to so, they are put in the two bays that are closest to the Nurse’s station. As all of them are elderly, and many unsteady on their feet, it can sometimes be pretty difficult with the number of staff we have, to keep a constant watch on them, particularly as we still have lots of other patients that also need our care and attention.

Although it is not unusual for us to have a few restless patients, this week we had another two patients that had been admitted to the Ward,along with the other four that were already there, so the staff were playing ‘hide and seek’ quite a lot!

Around the patient’s lunch time, as I was walking down the Ward, I happened to look into the ‘Boys’ Bay, and was greeted by an unusual sight. Someone had commandeered a large table from the office and it was plonked down in the middle of the Bay. A crisp, clean white sheet, fresh from the linen cupboard had been used as a rather nice table cloth; About six patients of both genders we sitting around the table, (these were the patients that liked to roam around); most of the women were sporting rather fetching white plastic, disposable aprons , while the men opted for the large, square inco pad tucked into the front of their nightshirt in order to keep themselves clean. The nurses were their waiting staff, cutting up their food, and serving them drinks etc and everything seemed to go very well.

I stood there for a minute, and was truly touched by the sight of them all sitting there together enjoying their meal. Ok, they might not have been talking to each other much, but they seemed relaxed and settled AND they were eating! This was so good to see, as it can be so difficult trying to encourage many of our patients to eat, The fact that these patients were sitting down together also gave the rest of us chance to feed our own patients without interruption.

A few years ago patients eating lunch together would have been an ordinary occurrence as most Wards had a Day Room, or somewhere that this could happen, but now, for various reasons, they have all gone and have been replaced by more beds -which seems such a shame. Such a simple, everyday event, yet it seemed to give such pleasure.

Episode 4: Octogenarian Love Triangle — September 23, 2014

Episode 4: Octogenarian Love Triangle

There is nothing as sweet as seeing two elderly people who are still in love with each other…But a love triangle between octogenarians will only end in tears…

I work in a hospital nursing elderly patients,and I love my job. I have met some pretty interesting people who have lead colourful lives; However, when presented with a frail old lady, or man, who are reliant on you and other members of staff to look after them, it can be easy to forget that they can become quite feisty at times!

The man in question is a six foot, ex boxer who has been an inpatient for quite some time. All of the staff are fond of this gent, and he loves to get involved in life on the ward. He enjoys walking up and down the corridor, checking on what we are doing, coming, into our staff office, where he likes to sit with us whilst we are writing notes, and generally looking out for patients and staff alike (he once was a hospital porter, and old habits die hard)

On one of his travels along the corridor, he encountered a new female arrival. She is around 5ft tall, with longish grey hair, and for him it was love at first sight.

She also liked to walk up and down the corridor, but she used a zimmer frame to help her get about. He decided to introduce himself and from then on they became inseparable. The two of them decided that they would share the frame between them,as they hobbled unevenly along, and given the height difference, their unsteadiness, and narrow corridor, they were gently discouraged from continuing this practice, by a member of staff, which they took with good grace.

This didn’t deter their new found attraction for each other though, and they sat in the corridor together chatting whenever they could.He was very solicitous of her and tried to haul her up out of the chair whenever she wanted to go for another little walk, and she in turn, would gaze adoringly at him. However, things were becoming a little difficult, as being a mixed ward, the males and females were in separate bays, and these two wanted to visit each other whenever they wanted.

Added to that, there was a little complication of the man’s wife! She would come to visit him every day, and he was always pleased to see her. That was until he had met his new lady friend. At first the wife thought it was sweet that he wanted to talk to this other patient, but after a while, she was distraught at his new indifference to her, and ended up in tears.

I wanted to share this story with you, as elderly people’s emotions are so often overlooked. It was so touching to see that this man’s wife still loved him so much after all their years together, and she cared enough about him to feel a stab of jealousy when he showed too much attention to the other lady.

It was enchanting at first to see these patients developing a friendship; both of them finding something in each other that formed an instant bond between them, but I did feel sorry for the poor, neglected wife!

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