Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Seven Embarrassing Sexual Fails! — April 16, 2018

Seven Embarrassing Sexual Fails!

I thought I would share another post from my broken blog, Edwina’s Episodes archives.

Sex is fraught with the potential for embarrassment, and a good sense of humour very often ‘comes in handy’  (if you’ll pardon the pun) to deal with some of the most common cringe-worthy moments that most of us have encountered at some stage in our sexual shenanigans!

  1. Things are heating up, the pace is getting faster, and more passionate, then…. PARPPPPP. Oh No, someone has let one off! You both freeze as the horror of the moment sinks in; hopefully, things will resume pretty quickly afterwards and the mood is not lost!
  2. Ready for a bit of bedroom action, everything is going well….kissing and touching,  breathing is getting heavier, your body is responding to the sensuous caresses but something is not quite right. You have noticed that your partner has backed off just a little. You are getting to the point now where touching is not enough, and as you reach for him, you realise that he is not quite ‘ready’. This is a bit of a tricky situation. You could try other things to ‘perk things up’  but sometimes it is just ‘flogging a dead horse’, or you could sulk, turn your back and seethe! The other option, of course, is to just snuggle up together and reassure that it doesn’t matter.
  3. If you have quite sensitive skin on your face, this one could be a problem. After a long, long night of hot and heavy action, and hours of passionate kissing, you might wake up in the morning with what looks like friction burns on your chin! I have actually had this happen to me and have had to think up some pretty (lame) excuse at work the next day as to how I got ‘that awful burn’ on my chin.
  4. Waking up the next morning only to find there is a patch of blood on the sheets! Mother Nature had paid you an unexpected visit during the night. Mortifying!
  5. Feeling sick just when things are getting going. This is really awkward as you cannot enjoy what is happening if there is a possibility of puking all over your partner! They won’t appreciate it either.
  6. You have got a bit of unexpected child-free time that you decide to take advantage of during the day. You have a bit of ‘afternoon delight’ with your partner, and as you are lying together in the afterglow, you can hear sounds of kids playing outside. You realise that all the bedroom windows are open and that half the street probably heard what you have been up to. Cringe!
  7. Whilst showing off your agility and flexibility getting into all sorts of interesting positions, you are attacked by CRAMP. It’s no good, you twist this way and that way trying to alleviate it, then end up leaping up and hopping about yowling in pain as it won’t go away! Passion is killed!
Ooops, I did it again! — April 2, 2018

Ooops, I did it again!

I am the undisputed queen of ‘putting my foot in it’, literally as well as figuratively! I seem to attract calamities, disasters and ooops moments with hardly any effort, and can make a fool of myself without any help, or encouragement whatsoever!

Often it is because I have misheard something, particularly on the phone. Once  I have asked the person on the other end to repeat themselves a couple of times, to make sure I heard correctly, I then confidently pass on the message, only to be greeted with a baffled look or stunned silence. For example, I took a call for my boss (he could give Mr Grump a run for his money) when I had not long started at a travel brochure company, I put the call through and informed him it was Mr X from PMT. When he had reluctantly taken the call, he came out of his office and roared at me that the caller was from TNT (the courier service)! I had thought that PMT was a funny name for a company but being new, what was I to know)?! Ooops!

In my younger days, I remember going out with my two sisters to a pub, I had dressed to impress, and we went to the bar to order our drinks. It was quite packed, but luckily there was an unoccupied bar stool next to me so I thought I would make use of it. Being a little short, I had to hike myself up a bit to get on it. Once I had plonked myself down, I realised I was not on it properly as it tilted dangerously to one side. As I attempted to right myself, I just ended up twirling around and around on one stool leg at a time. My sisters and some random bloke put their arms out to try to steady me, which eventually they managed to do. However, my pulling power was significantly reduced (actually it was zero), and we got out of there pretty soon after!

Weddings are the place where people like me can really shine in the glow of embarrassment! My sister and brother-in-law had a beautiful January wedding in a country house where we all stayed. As luck would have it, the weather was pretty clear on this day, and we went outside to have some group photos taken. I was really pleased with my outfit, but especially the expensive purple four-inch stiletto shoes which really set it off! As we were gathering for the family photo, my lovely shoes seemed to turn into ice skates on the decking where we were standing. I was slipping and sliding, falling madly with my arms windmilling, trying to keep my balance as I hurtled my way towards the rest of the group. The gasps and guffaws of the onlookers intensified my mortification, but I did manage to stay upright!

Ooops I did it again!
Just after I went skating on the decking in my high heels!

At my niece’s wedding breakfast after the speeches, I was to read out a poem that I had specially written for her and her husband.(It is something I have done for years for any special family occasion), Even though I am no public speaker and get really nervous, I got up to recite my poem.  Everyone was giving me encouraging looks as I started reading with my voice shaking. As I continued, I realised that my fancy headband was slipping a bit. I tried to surreptitiously push it back up and carry on, but I jerked a little bit, and it fell off with an almighty clatter onto the table, thus drowning out my words! I waited for the laughter to die down and carried on, cringing!

These are just a few of the many little trials I face on an almost daily basis. Even at work, I am not immune. I have tripped over more Zimmer frames than I care to remember, cleaned up countless puddles, where I have knocked over washbowls or jugs of water and gouged out tracks in the polished floor where I hadn’t taken the brake off the weighing scales properly when wheeling them along the entire length of the corridor! Luckily my colleagues know what I am like after all this time, but I remember when I hadn’t been there that long. I was walking along the corridor back to the ward from the toilets when the ward sister behind me called me and informed me that I had got my dress tucked into my knickers thereby showing off my big bum to all and sundry…Ooops!!!

Episode 68: Standing out! — December 7, 2014

Episode 68: Standing out!

I have always battled with shyness, right from when I was a very little girl, hiding behind my Mum or brothers and sisters.It is one personality trait that I wish I didn’t have and have spent years trying to overcome….

Coming from, and growing up with a large family, you would think that I would be a lot more outgoing and assertive, having had to fight for my share of attention over the years, but no, I was the little mousey one, who in fact, never wanted to draw attention to myself in any way! Unfortunately for me though, I am extremely clumsy, and always have been, so there have been many times in the past when I have unwittingly been the centre of attention.

Once, when I was about 12, some of my siblings and I were visiting my Dad,we went for a walk along the prom. I was linking arms with my older sister, but somehow managed to become separated from her and I tripped and fell 6ft onto the sand below (luckily the tide wasn’t in). My Dad was frantic and came down to get me. Luckily I was unhurt, but of course it caused a bit of a commotion.

Another time  I was swimming in a pool with my little sister who was wearing her inflatable armbands (she was about 5 and I was 7). My Mum and Step-dad were watching from the side as I was bobbing about holding a football to float on, and my sister splashed about nearby. I floated out of my depth and the ball slipped through my grasp, leaving me floundering and going under as I couldn’t swim. My little sister tried to get to me, but the next thing I knew I was being hauled out of the pool and pummeled by an old lady, who had seen what had happened and jumped in fully clothed, sunglasses and all  to hike me out. Again, this caused a bit of a fuss and I cried, not only because of the fright I had just had, but because everyone was looking at me!

It didn’t really get any easier as I got older, especially as my Mum moved around quite a bit with her job and we had to change schools each time and make new friends. I always dreaded it; the worst time was when we moved from north to south England so even our accents made us stand out! My younger sister and older brother who were still school age were much more outgoing so didn’t seem to find it such a pain as I did!

When I was 14, I got a part-time job in a cafe, working weekends. I couldn’t have picked a more unsuitable job for my personality if I tried! I had to approach customers, get their orders and deliver food to them without knocking it all over them. I remember once plonking a plate of fish and chips down a bit heavy handedly in front of a customer and half of it slid off of the plate and onto their lap. I scrabbled about picking it up, putting it back on the plate and apologising. What made it worse was when I took the plate out to the kitchen,  and told the female boss (who terrified me) she just rearranged it back on the plate and told me to take it back out there.! That was dreadful as it had taken ages for them to get their order in the first place and they would know that we had just brought the same food out, Needless to say I did it, and the customer said nothing.

I joined the Army as I thought I would overcome my shyness, plus it was something I really wanted to do. I got humiliated many times during ‘drill’ for cocking it up, but then so did everyone else, so it wasn’t that bad. I hated going into the cookhouse as it was so busy but I loved my food so I did it, rather than go without! The experience helped a bit but I was still quite shy.

Social situations were always a nightmare for me. I would talk to people one-on-one but I could never just go up to someone and start a conversation, so people probably thought I was stuck-up and aloof, but I would have loved to have talked to them if I wasn’t so worried that I would put my foot in it or say something stupid!

I do love people and once I went into nursing I really enjoyed it, I applied for the job I have now and when I was accepted, it meant starting at University plus moving to a different ward in the hospital where I knew no-one. I am determined, even if shy, so I did it. Uni was a real struggle at first as nearly every week we had to get out in front of everyone and either do a presentation, or a discussion about things. It took me nearly the whole 2 years to be able to do it without tripping over my words and going bright red.

That is when I finally turned the corner I think. I love the staff on my ward, and am confident about my job, so will actually talk to doctors now(before I kept out of their way). I have been asked  to give a little talk to the new recruits on their first day that have signed up for the job I do This can be 20 odd people in a room that I don’t know but not only have I done it once, but twice!

Even now I have to psych myself up to go somewhere new or attend a large social gathering and I am still clumsy ,and draw attention to myself. However  now I just make a joke of it, laugh it off, and it will probably end up in my blog to cringe over!

It would be great to know how others deal with their fears or personality traits that hold them back.

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