Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 468: An Apple A Day…… — August 22, 2015

Episode 468: An Apple A Day……

Last week saw me at an appointment with a ‘Health and Well-Being Advisor.’  I am having a bit of trouble managing my weight still  and am seriously lacking in motivation due to being in a bit of a low mood. Anyway, this, of course, is having a knock-on effect with my Diabetes and I am constantly getting other minor things wrong which are annoying.

Anyway, time to take things in hand and I trotted off, to be told what I already knew, that I was overweight and unhealthy. Unfortunately, things were worse than I had anticipated. I had reluctantly braved the scales that morning to see what the damaged was, and was not impressed with the figures, despite trying not to put all my weight on there and make it worse! The problem with having a big tummy us that you can’t see the display on the scales so my balancing act was not helping and I had to let loose the full load!

I was greeted by a very slim and smiley woman who assured me that we would be able to sort something out and get me into some kind of diet and exercise routine. My height and weight were measured (in metric, I had done it in feet and inches and stone as the figures were smaller), and then my BMI (body mass index), was worked out.

I had done enough of these myself on patients to know that the result was not going to be pretty and it wasn’t. Morbidly obese! Morbidly obese, Oh My God, how the hell did I let myself get into this state.

The next little treat was the hips to waist ratio. Christ, please let my hips be bigger than my waist….PLEASE!  I jokingly mentioned that there was not a lot in it, and sure enough it was only 3cms. Again I joked that I had not been blessed with an hourglass figure. At least my hips were bigger than my waist…JUST!

These numbers were crunched on the computer and it was gauged on a coloured thermometer type thing. Needless to say, it shot straight up to the top which was not only red but had a sad face emoticon to add insult to injury! Well, actually that was not the only insult as there was an explanation as to each category and mine was ‘over fat.’ Over fat,  How bloody rude! Kick a girl when she is down why don’t you.

She then wanted to see what my fitness levels were. What hideous torture have they got planned for me this time? I wondered. Luckily, it was just a sit to stand test to see how many I could do in 30 seconds. I actually passed this one with flying colours, having completed 15 when the average was 12. Mind you, thinking about it, who was it average for? Not some young athletic type I am sure of that!

The penultimate check was the good old body fat measure. I had to stand gripping what looked like a steering wheel device for the WiiFit, with my arms outstretched until it scanned me over and displayed my overall blubber content! Well, at least it was less than half!!!

Last but by no means least, was a questionnaire to assess mood. Well as you can imagine, it was right down there in the lowest quarter. It might have been a bit better if they had done that first, but I doubt it would have been by much.

I came home armed with charts and wheels and ‘My Fitness Pal’ app downloaded on my phone; my already low self-esteem in tatters!

Maybe this is just the kick up the arse I need to do something about it!

Episode 139: Stating The Bleeding Obvious!!! — February 4, 2015

Episode 139: Stating The Bleeding Obvious!!!

Don’t you just hate it when you are feeling a bit grotty, so make an extra special effort to try to disguise it, only to have someone come up to you and say with concern,

“Are you aright? You look ghastly!” Well thanks very much, that is just what I wanted to hear. Some people just don’t think; either that or they missed the boat when tact and diplomacy were given out!

Mr Grump has been known to have opened his mouth before engaging his brain, and has been on the end of a verbal volley from me. His crime? He dared to mention that I had a HUGE spot on my face; I was only too aware of it already, and had attempted to hide it with copious amounts of makeup. I know it still shone through like a Belisha Beacon, but he didn’t have to mention it!

Another really big no-no happened as I was walking along the corridor at work. One of the night nurses, smiled at me and asked me if I was pregnant! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. In the end I settled for taking offence, and told her that no, i was just fat!. I would have thought that she could have done a bit of subtle digging first rather than just coming out with it!

I know it’s nice that people notice things, and yes, we all like to be complimented on a new haircut, or the fact that we have lost weight; but on the flip side, most of us are a little sensitive to have our flaws pointed out, even if there was no intention to embarrass.

I know some people just speak without thinking; my poor boss suffers with this affliction. When one of the carers was brushing a patient’s hair, she asked them to have a go at the nurse’s hair that was working with her, as it looked like a bird’s nest. Ouch!

What type of person are you? A blabbermouth, or the soul of discretion?

Episode 123. Mind Your Manners…. — January 25, 2015

Episode 123. Mind Your Manners….

I really hate seeing bad manners

People who are surly and rude

Who forget how to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’

Or whose language is vulgar and crude!

Drivers that cut people up are annoying

God knows how they got through their test

And the middle lane hoggers are awful

They should all be put under arrest!

What about bad table manners?

Those that are noisily chomping their food

Eating with mouths that are open

Can really put me in a mood!

Then there are those that ignore you

Walk away when you’re having a chat

Others that have no decorum

And will tell you, that you’re looking quite fat!

We all have to get on together

So it makes perfect sense to me

To treat everyone we encounter

With kindness and courtesy.

Episode 98: Facing Facebook! — January 12, 2015

Episode 98: Facing Facebook!

Good old Facebook. It has many good qualities, such as sharing news, keeping up to date with family and friends etc, but it does have its downside as well. Especially if say, a family member has a particularly awful photo of you, and they decide to share it on Facebook so everyone gets to see you in all your glory…..

Coincidentally, I have just been passing messages with Tonya from Fourth Generation Farmgirl regarding the pic she posted of herself wrapped up against the cold. She told me that her husband had posted it on Facebook as well. I laughed as I have a niece who likes to post photos on Facebook, who me and my sister often tell off, as there is yet another unflattering pic of us posted for all to see.

I remember  one of the first pics she posted was of me wallowing about on the beach next to my ex-husband, who had rather colourful and unflattering swimming trunks on! I was not happy, especially as I worked at a secondary school at the time it was posted; some of the kids saw it, and I got a bit of ribbing for it!

She also put one on of me and my older sister doing a bit of karaoke (when it was first popular in the UK, back in the 80’s). It was Christmas time, and I was dressed all in gold! (I always like a bit of sparkle at Christmas, but this was a bit much by anybody;s standards.  I think I had recently had my hair done as well as it looks rather curly which it is not normally. Anyway, here for your amusement is said pic. (I have cut out my sister as she would kill me)!

80's pic

Now my niece is beautiful, (in fact all of my nieces are) and along with that, very photogenic so there is never a dreadful picture of her; she also has a very good dress sense (Thank God she doesn’t get that from her Auntie)! I however look horrendous in photos, particularly now as I have put on a lot of weight in the last few years.

I hate my photo being taken, and I have tried to pick out the best of a bad bunch to put up on Facebook. However, today I have just been on there and I noticed that my niece had put up an old pic of herself, which apparently was her first profile picture. Of course it is a lovely pic, and she has nominated me to do the same!

Well I did find my first profile pic, and I have put it up on Facebook. In fact, I had no objections at all. The reason being is  I look a damn sight better than I do now! In fact, when I came across that pic earlier on today, (it was taken just after my 40th birthday) I cried my eyes out! It doesn’t  look like me anymore. I realise that I have changed so much in just 8 years.

In fact at my doctor’s appointment today (Still trying to sort out my anxiety), one of the things he asked me to do was to work really hard at losing weight over the next 6 weeks before I go back to see him again. So, I am using that old profile pic as my kick up the arse to get myself motivated to lose that weight, and get back to being me again!

Episode 92: Barrel of Laughs! — January 8, 2015

Episode 92: Barrel of Laughs!

I’ve noticed lately that Mr Grump has got a little pot belly on him. He still looks skinny,but there is this little bit of podge around his tummy that he needs to get rid of.He has also been giving our dog Roxy a few too many treats, as he spoils her rotten. Now when she flops down on my lap or crawls over me to get to him, I am almost winded,as she seems substantially heavier than before.

It goes without saying that I too need to lose weight. I am sick of looking like a barrel; no shape at all, and whereas before my legs were quite slim, they are beginning to resemble tree trunks now and that won’t do. Having watched a programme on TV this morning about people that were ‘too fat to work’ I put down the nutcrackers (we still have a few nuts left over from Christmas) and decided that I  had better get a grip of myself! (not that hard really as there is rather a lot of me to grip).

I don’t want to end up like some of these unfortunate souls who get ridiculed in the street, not to mention suffer from all sorts of ailments associated with being overweight. However sometimes it is a slow process that gradually creeps up until you get on the scales and freak out!  I think it is time to nip things in the bud and take action.

I was really cross to hear about one of our British ‘Celebrities’ who won ‘The Apprentice’ some years ago, who stated that she would never employ a fat person as they were lazy, or words to that effect. She then said there was no excuse whatsoever to be overweight and to prove it she put on nearly 4 stone (about 50 lbs, or 25kg roughly) which she said she would lose again to show how easy it is!

She bloody did it as well, and in fact lost more that she gained in only 3 months! To top it off she  made a TV programme about it  (You can read about it here if you are interested).On the one hand this makes me feel guilty as there is no excuse for me being overweight; on the other hand it makes me annoyed, as some people do genuinely have problems losing weight, and she is belittling them ( I cannot include myself in this group as I just love my food).

Anyway, I have a habit of comfort eating, especially at the moment, and fruit just doesn’t cut it for me like a packet of crisps does! I wish I could be like Mr Grump who sometimes ‘doesn’t feel hungry’ . I always feel hungry. Well the unhealthy snacks will have to go, as will the rather generous portions Mr Grump serves up at mealtimes (He loves feeding people up, – and dogs too for that matter)!

Mr Grump’s weakness is beer (or bitter to be precise). He does like to have a few cans at the weekend to relax, but they have been taking their toll, hence the ‘muffin top’, and the loosening of his belt.  Mind you it won’t be long before his stomach is as flat as his arse as he is pretty disciplined (unlike me)!  I think he will have more of a problem not  being able to feed the rest of us up than he will losing weight.

Miss Hap will of course be appalled. She is pretty solid but burns off a tremendous amount of energy due to her constantly being on the go. The mere mention of the words ‘diet’ and ‘healthy’ will put her in a strop, and it will be a nightmare getting her to eat her meals. (It is bad enough already when she thinks that her ‘cook from frozen’ school dinners taste better than our home-cooked offerings).

Poor old Roxy will no longer be getting the odd sly sausage, or the left-overs from Miss Hap’s plate after dinner. She will no doubt be sulking along with Miss Hap when we get started on our new regime.

It’s going to be a bit fraught around here for a while, I reckon!

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