Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Christmas Limericks. Rude Reindeer — December 13, 2017

Christmas Limericks. Rude Reindeer

I do love a limerick and thought that after the success of some of my Halloween limericks, I would share some Christmas ones that I wrote, over the next few days. I hope that you enjoy them.

There was a young reindeer named Rude reindeer

Who worked for a jolly old dude

Pulling a sleigh full of toys

For the good girls and boys

Even though he was not in the mood!

Episode 447: Off-Key. — August 6, 2015

Episode 447: Off-Key.

I had to laugh today at work. As most of us know, some elderly people don’ exactly mince their words and they feel that they have earned the right to say exactly what they think. Although this is not always pleasant (A couple of days ago as I was trying to stop an elderly gent throttling himself with the bed remote control which had a long, curly wire attached to it, I was called a ‘stupid bi**h’ as he tried to bite my hand that was trying to release his grip on the remote).

Sometimes it can be funny though. The same man had earlier demanded that me and another nurse that were going to wash him ‘bloody get on with it, instead of just talking about it!’ (We like to inform our patients what is going to happen with them before we launch straight into stripping off their clothes)!

Anyway, today I was back in my usual bay with my ladies. I had gone on my break and when I came back, one of the Dementia Volunteers was playing his guitar and knocking out a few numbers that may be familiar to the patients, such as Buddy Holly, Beatles etc.

Now this chap is pretty old himself, and has a  ‘set’ of about 4 songs which he sings before moving onto the next bay, This is the same routine every week but I love it ,and so do most of the patients…..

Except one lady (she does not have dementia) who wanted him to ‘turn it down’. When told by the Healthcare Assistant that it was not polite to tell him to do that, and that he was giving up his own time to entertain people, she told her,

“well don’t expect me to applaud him!”

The patient had relayed all this to me when I went over to talk to her , and then with a wicked grin she looked up and said,

“Don’t you just hate bloody do-gooders”!

Episode 416: Wacky Word Wednesday #10 — July 15, 2015

Episode 416: Wacky Word Wednesday #10

Can you believe that it is week 10 already of my wacky word Wednesday. I have really enjoyed doing these as they are such fun. Today I have got a bit of a rude word for you, but it sounds so funny and always makes me laugh. It has several meanings as well so a pretty versatile word all round.

Bollocks. Well doesn’t that just roll off the tongue nicely. This word is so much nicer than gonads and testes, balls and even plums. A kick in the bollocks has a much better sound to it!

This word is also babbling balderdash, meaningless mumbo jumbo, and nothing but nonsense!

What about the mutt’s nuts? This word is primped and polished, stylish and smart, in fact, perfectly pukka!

Lastly, this word used as a verb without the ‘s’ is very stern and severe, giving a good telling off, not to mention a tongue-lashing! A reproof and reprimand of the highest order

It is also one of my favourite words.

Episode 342: WordPress Weirdness! — May 24, 2015

Episode 342: WordPress Weirdness!

I know some people have mentioned about missing comments, and other weird happenings on WordPress lately and I have noticed a few odd things myself.

Just now I had 49 comments in my spam folder which is utterly unheard of for me, as usually I just get 4 or 5 at most. Some of these however, were from people whose blogs I follow and are regular commenters!

Luckily I checked through them and restored them, but it is very annoying, I am always extremely happy when people take the time to comment and I reply back as soon as I can to EVERY comment.

I just want to say that if I do not reply within 24 hours to your comment then it is because I haven’t seen it. I really so not want anyone to think that I am being rude as I appreciate hearing from people.

I hope WordPress sort themselves out!

Blogging From A-Z Challenge: ‘R’ — April 21, 2015

Blogging From A-Z Challenge: ‘R’

Rrrrrrrrrrrr we are in our stride now with the Blogging From A-Z challenge and are racing ahead rapidly with the letter ‘R.’ This letter has a bit of everything too, its top half is rotund while the bottom reclines at an angle.  I have found a lovely word for today, another of my favourites….Let’s get on with it then……

Ribald. This is a wonderful old-fashioned word, it is the bawdy, behaviour of the boozed-up bard, the coarseness of the Court Jester. This speaks to me of medieval times, where the king has got his hand up a serving wench’s skirt, or a couple of rowdy revellers have nipped off to a quiet corner for a bit of ‘slap and tickle!’

It is immodesty and impropriety, smuttiness and sleaze. The modern-day politician caught with his trousers down being flogged by a dominatrix, type of thing. It is lewd and licentious. seedy and sordid!

It is easy to see why I love this word so much!

Episode 170: Politeness Pays…. — February 19, 2015

Episode 170: Politeness Pays….

I have written a couple of posts about manners, and how I hate it when people are rude, arrogant or just plain obnoxious. We are very quick to judge people on their behaviour, and here are some examples of how first impressions matter…

A man getting off the Tube politely let another male passenger go before him. The other man started pushing and shoving despite being told by the first man that he was not trying to block his way. Anyway, after a bit of argy-bargy, it was suggested that the first man might like to ‘go f**k himself.’

Later that evening, the first man was conducting some job interviews. Guess who turned up?! Unfortunately, he didn’t meet the requirements and was unsuccessful in getting the job. They did have a laugh about their earlier scuffle though apparently!

The  second story involves a little girl of five years old. She was in a shop with her granddad after school, looking at toys. They often visited this shop and the little girl would spell out the names of the toys she wanted. This was educational for the little girl and enjoyable for them both.

On one of their visits, as the little girl was spelling out one of the toys she wanted, a woman approached them and gave the granddad an envelope. She then disappeared after remarking how pleasant and polite the little girl was. In the envelope was a voucher for £10. The little girl was thrilled as she had enough money to buy one of the toys on her wishlist.

The idiot on the Tube might have wished that he had remembered his manners!

Episode 139: Stating The Bleeding Obvious!!! — February 4, 2015

Episode 139: Stating The Bleeding Obvious!!!

Don’t you just hate it when you are feeling a bit grotty, so make an extra special effort to try to disguise it, only to have someone come up to you and say with concern,

“Are you aright? You look ghastly!” Well thanks very much, that is just what I wanted to hear. Some people just don’t think; either that or they missed the boat when tact and diplomacy were given out!

Mr Grump has been known to have opened his mouth before engaging his brain, and has been on the end of a verbal volley from me. His crime? He dared to mention that I had a HUGE spot on my face; I was only too aware of it already, and had attempted to hide it with copious amounts of makeup. I know it still shone through like a Belisha Beacon, but he didn’t have to mention it!

Another really big no-no happened as I was walking along the corridor at work. One of the night nurses, smiled at me and asked me if I was pregnant! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. In the end I settled for taking offence, and told her that no, i was just fat!. I would have thought that she could have done a bit of subtle digging first rather than just coming out with it!

I know it’s nice that people notice things, and yes, we all like to be complimented on a new haircut, or the fact that we have lost weight; but on the flip side, most of us are a little sensitive to have our flaws pointed out, even if there was no intention to embarrass.

I know some people just speak without thinking; my poor boss suffers with this affliction. When one of the carers was brushing a patient’s hair, she asked them to have a go at the nurse’s hair that was working with her, as it looked like a bird’s nest. Ouch!

What type of person are you? A blabbermouth, or the soul of discretion?

Episode 123. Mind Your Manners…. — January 25, 2015

Episode 123. Mind Your Manners….

I really hate seeing bad manners

People who are surly and rude

Who forget how to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’

Or whose language is vulgar and crude!

Drivers that cut people up are annoying

God knows how they got through their test

And the middle lane hoggers are awful

They should all be put under arrest!

What about bad table manners?

Those that are noisily chomping their food

Eating with mouths that are open

Can really put me in a mood!

Then there are those that ignore you

Walk away when you’re having a chat

Others that have no decorum

And will tell you, that you’re looking quite fat!

We all have to get on together

So it makes perfect sense to me

To treat everyone we encounter

With kindness and courtesy.

Episode 111: Growing Old even More Disgracefully…. — January 18, 2015

Episode 111: Growing Old even More Disgracefully….

Further to yesterdays’ post about some of the advantages of getting older I have come up with a few more:

You can get away with being sexist! This is a particular favourite with some of the elder gentlemen that I have encountered, Carole Parkes commented on my post about her 95-year-old father making an inappropriate remark to a pretty young woman, whose boyfriend was not impressed!

I know that my step dad was fond of making such comments as well.I would cringe if a busty young woman would come on TV as the inevitable comment ,

“You don’t get many of those to a pound” would come out, and he and my mum would titter (sorry couldn’t resist it) together. He would not be shy in making such a comment in public either. I think in his opinion, it was a compliment!

Most of us women ‘of a certain age’ have encountered the ‘dirty old man’ at some point in our lives. Now I am a fan of innuendo, dirty jokes and the like, but it creeps me out a bit when there is some old codger perving over a smutty punchline! By the same token, some of us have been unlucky enough to meet the ‘octopus’ on our travels as well. You know, the old man that pinches your bum as you walk past, or accidentally brushes past you and touches you intimately! Hopefully in this day in age, you don’t get too much of that!

I tell you what else you can do when you are old too – tell people off, or boss them about! Now going back to me dear old step-dad, he was quite an imposing figure to my friends. Although he was not very tall,he had a really BOOMING voice, with a thick west-country accent that, if you were not used to it, could be hard to understand!

Anyway, I remember a friend had called for my sister, just after we had dinner,  and my sister was doing the washing up. Her friend was waiting for her to finish and my step-dad walked past and hollered,(excuse my feeble attempt to convey the accent)!

” Don’t just bloody stand there, get thik teacloth in thee hand and dry up”! Terrified, her friend did as she was told! (Hmmm, I can see some advantages here, getting Miss Hap and her friends to do my bidding)!

Last but not least is the ability to pass wind, with no hint of embarrassment whatsoever! This one I have encountered many times, and it seems to be a very common trait amongst the elderly regardless of background. There are several categories to this that I have noticed, which are as follows:

  • The person that announces what they are about to do. You’ve guessed it, my step-dad is guilty of this one, When friends were round (they love an audience) he would be sitting on his chair. Suddenly remark about how he has ‘gut rot’ or something equally unpleasant, cock his bum up to one side and let rip! It’s ALWAYS loud!!
  • The person that walks along letting out small, loud bursts as they go, totally oblivious, and when you mention to them about it , they give you a bewildered look.
  • This is for the nurses and carers amongst us. The one that is let off just as you are about to wash a patient’s bottom. They seen to store it up for us, and when it is released after having fermented nicely for a while, it literally takes your breath away, as well as makes your eyes water!

As I am writing this, I am actually getting less and less worried about getting older. There is a lot of bad behaviour to look forward to if nothing else!!!

Episode 109: Growing Old Disgracefully…… — January 17, 2015

Episode 109: Growing Old Disgracefully……

I have been pretty negative about the process of aging recently and how I am starting to feel (not to mention look) old. I have decided that there must be some positives to being older, and here are a few things that I have noticed….

You can say what you ‘bloody well like’, in the words of my 82-year-old mother! Yes, once you reach a ripe old age you have earned the right to say what you like about anything; regardless of whether or not it causes offence or hurts anyone’s feelings. I have been in the supermarket with Mum when she has told the assistant on the deli counter that she ‘doesn’t want that plastic ham’ or she’s ‘not paying that much for a bit of cheese’ etc. They can’t decide whether or not she is joking but soon get the message when she turns on her heel and just stomps (well hobbles nowadays unfortunately) off! I. or my sisters (whoever has the pleasure of being with her)  are left cringing in her wake, rolling our eyes at the bewildered assistant.

She likes to say what she thinks about members of the family too. Either directly, once she told me that a trouser suit I had bought would look better on my sister as ‘she has got the figure for it’. Very true, but I was gutted, and never wore it again! Or indirectly, as in when someone has left the room and before they are even out of earshot she will remark about how much weight they have ‘piled on’ or how awful their outfit is!

Another advantage is selective hearing. This can come in very handy when you don’t want to do something. For example, my Mum hates putting her heating on, and would rather sit there shivering under a blanket than be nice and cosy in a warm room. So when any of us walk in to her little icebox, the conversation goes something like this.

“Why haven’t you got your heating on?”

“What?”

” I SAID, WHY HAVEN’T YOU GOT YOUR HEATING ON?”

“I cant’ hear a bloody word you are saying!”

Leaning over and bellowing in her ear,

“WHY IS THE HEATING NOT ON?!”

” Can you put my hearing aid in, it’s over there?”

By now, I have lost the will to go on, but will dutifully get the hearing aid which is whistling and shrieking, and put it in for her, and then just go and turn the heating on myself. It’s easier.

However, if I had whispered to my sister a bit of gossip about someone, she would have heard that and put her two penneth in!

When you are older, and supposedly wiser, you are an asset to any quiz team! There are always questions about the old days. Games like Trivial Pursuit and other question based games normally require a good range of general knowledge, and of historical events.It stands to reason that n older person on the team is a bonus (providing they have their hearing aids in, of course)!

You can dress with abandon, wearing whatever you like in whatever colour combinations you choose when you are older. Who cares about being colour-co-ordinated any more. Many elderly people I have encountered (which amounts to quite a few), are very  uninhibited in their dress sense. Why shouldn’t you wear reds, green and blues ALL at the same time! Who gives a toss about what others think?!!

You can nod off at the drop of a hat. Think Grandpa Simpson here, and his amazing ability to fall asleep, even mid-sentence! Yes, when you are older,nobody thinks it odd if you fall asleep at inappropriate times. How great is that? If you have a social function that you are obligated to go to but are not keen, it doesn’t matter! You can just have a snooze whenever you want and no-one will think you are rude. Far from it, they will probably think you are very sweet and endearing!

Those are just a few of the benefits I have come up with to being older…. are there any I have missed?

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