Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

A bit of British Humour — October 18, 2017

A bit of British Humour

I read a post a short time ago by the wonderful Debby where she used a writing prompt from a journal she bought. This inspired me to buy my own but on a totally different subject (mine is all about cultivating joy and well-being).

The prompt for yesterday was to write a joke. Hmmm, I am not good at jokes, unless they are very rude or very silly. I love the ‘knock knock’ jokes, and the ‘what do you call?’ ones. As in:

‘What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?’ Answer: Doug!

‘What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?’ Answer: Douglas!! (it’s all in the pronunciation)!

I won’t bore you with any others as they are really old jokes and not that funny unless you are me, who finds them hilarious!

Anyway, I decided that as I couldn’t tell any jokes I would talk a little about British humour instead.

The first thing that springs to mind is the fact that we love innuendo, double entendre, and a good pun (or even a bad pun, anything goes)! The ‘Carry On Films’ are a veritable feast if you like that kind of thing, with their silly storylines, and crazy character names such as a surgeon named Dr Carver, and a young doctor called Dr Nookey ( a British euphemism for sex). I’m thinking this must have had an early subconscious influence on my choice of career! They always had such fun in the hospitals in these films.

The Sun Newspaper loves puns and innuendoes too, and they have had some famous (or infamous) headlines over the years. For example, when Elton John and David Furnish married, their headline was ‘Elton Takes David Up The Aisle’ and ‘How Do You Solve A Problem Like Korea’ which needs no explanation!

Sarcasm features pretty heavily in our humour armoury too and it is always appreciated whenever we hear it. Comments like’ I’m returning your nose, dear, I found it in my business’ and one (of many) from Winston Churchill ‘ I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!’ Another favourite is when parents say things like, ‘I think you have forgotten to put a skirt on’ or ‘can you plaster on any more makeup?’ to their teenaged daughters when they are going out!

This can get a bit confusing though as sometimes we say something straight-faced but mean the exact opposite, such as ‘Oh, lovely’ it’s raining again, I can’t wait to go out in it!’ or even worse. ‘Yes, green is definitely your colour’ when it is obvious that it looks hideous!Mind you, it could be worse if they went the whole hog and said that ‘green is definitely your colour, it matches your complexion!’

One of my favourite types of humour is the observational kind. We have several comedians who are brilliant at this, Michael McIntyre and Peter Kaye are so good at turning the ordinary situations into massive belly laughs!

We have a fixation about class too, and that often comes out in our humour. There was a famous Monty Python Sketch that they showed us at Uni about the British Class system which you can see here.

I suppose our most common type of humour is the self-deprecating type, of the hapless idiot always messing things up. We do love to put ourselves down, then have a major complex if anyone agrees with us. What a mixed-up lot we are!

I hope I have managed to give you some laughs despite the rubbish jokes at the beginning!

Wacky Word Wednesday #18 — September 9, 2015

Wacky Word Wednesday #18

Welcome to Wednesday, where I get to play with another weird, wonderful or wacky word. Today, I have a wonderful word to share with you. In fact, I was going to use this word in my last post, but then decided that it was worth saving, and being in the spotlight, having a post all to itself! I always love a rhyme so that makes this word even more fun for me.

Argy-bargy. This word is anything from a bit of banter to a bicker and finally an out and out brawl! It is a squabble or a scrap, a tangle and a tussle, or even a fracas leading to fisticuffs!

Some to-ing and fro-ing of words between rivals, a difference of opinion, pushing and shoving, or even a right royal punch-up! This is a family party when we all get together and wind each other up, especially if we start playing games!

Episode 234: The Secret of The Shy Sun! — March 20, 2015

Episode 234: The Secret of The Shy Sun!

Well just as I thought! I didn’t get to see the solar eclipse! After the excitement of getting a day off work and the prospect of being able to experience an extremely rare event, nothing went to plan….

Mr Grump was taking my Mum to do her weekly shopping this morning (we take it in turns with my 2 sisters), and being as he is, wanted to get started early so arranged to pick her up at 8.30 this morning. I was originally working so wasn’t factored into the arrangement and I contemplated taking my time this morning, chilling out for a bit, then going outside to check out this amazing partial eclipsed we have been promised!

The news was full of it this morning, their cameras, all ready, and down in the south-west, the sun was shining over the sea, creating a beautiful image, and promising a clear view of the eclipse. Likewise even in Scotland (who always get the grottiest weather), there was a bit of blue sky, and a good view of the sun (they were going to get 98% coverage of the sun up there). I was getting hyped up myself, even though there were no film crews or cameras in this neck of the woods that they had mentioned.

Anyway, Mr Grump wanted me to go shopping with him and Mum. I said no, as he was going as the eclipse was due to start. It was supposed to be at its peak at 9.30 and knowing Mum, we would still be inside the supermarket at that time and miss the lot!

I needn’t have worried. The weather forecast for here was damp, damp and more bloody damp! I went shopping. It was freezing out, grey and damp. I looked out of the windows many times whilst in the supermarket to see  if it was getting dark or anything. It wasn’t. It stayed exactly the same.In fact, there was no indication at all that anything unusual had happened, Sod the bloody weather!

I’m glad we didn’t get those stupid eclipse suitable glasses in the end as well. I might as well make use of my day off and go and do some housework! A damn sight more exciting than a secret eclipse!

Episode 230: Silly Sarcastic Sayings….. — March 18, 2015

Episode 230: Silly Sarcastic Sayings…..

I do love a bit of sarcasm, I really think it is highly underrated actually. I know it is ‘not big and it’s not clever’ (well actually sometimes it can be very clever, depends on the delivery) but I still use it nonetheless. I also appreciate it when others use it, as I love a cutting remark (in a jokey way).

For example, at work when going to bleed a patient, on asking one of the nurses whether they had good veins or not being told,

“A blind person wearing boxing gloves could get blood out of those veins!”

Another favourite of mine is one of Mr Grump’s sayings to Miss Hap at dinner time as he enquired

“Do you want chips with that ketchup?”

What about when you turn up somewhere soaking wet after being caught in the rain, and one person always pipes up,

“Oh is it raining out?” To which you reply

“No, I just love the bedraggled look!”

When in a group and you say something privately to someone, who then blurts it out loudly.

“Can you speak up a bit, I don’t think they heard you next door!”

When someone you know is wearing an outfit of clashing colours, or looks really scruffy and they get asked,

“Did you get dressed in the dark?”

As all of my family uses sarcasm regularly Miss Hap has picked up the habit and when she came home tonight in her PE kit, I said to her,

“Why on earth did you come home in your PE kit?”

To which she disdainfully replied,

“Because I had PE!”

Great! Ask a silly question…….

Episode 99: Grumpy Old Git!!! — January 12, 2015

Episode 99: Grumpy Old Git!!!

Today has been a bit hectic

My emotions all over the show

One minute I’m laughing and joking

The next I am feeling so low

But there is one thing that is constant

My husband, good old Mr Grump

No mood swings, forever changing

Just ALWAYS down in the dumps!

He likes a bit of complaining

He mutters and curses away

This bitterness started appearing

Just after his 50th Birthday!

He starts off every morning

Getting out of the wrong side of bed

That sets him off in a bad mood

For the rest of the day ahead!

But deep down he is a big softy

And his bark is worse than his bite

He has his wonderful moments

Which often do come to light

He gets teased by me every second

I laughed when he cut his bald head

As he shaved it to make it look smoother

Then put tissue on when it bled!

So together we make a good couple

And with Miss Hap, that makes us a three

We bumble along in our own way

– Dysfunctional harmony!

Cut Head

Episode 64: A Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody…. — December 3, 2014

Episode 64: A Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody….

I received a phone call from Miss Hap today during her lunch break at school to let me know that there is a Craft Fair on Friday at school and “you have got to make some gingerbread men biscuits”.  Oh great! Well I have to give her credit for telling me a little in advance, normally it is at bedtime the night before she has to take something home-made into school. (I know some supermarkets do a lovely range of ‘home-made’ cakes etc but it does seem a bit naughty to do that; However needs must, and I have done it in the past)!

Anyway, as it is my day off today, and not only have I got the ingredients (and more importantly the recipe) for the gingers, but I actually enjoy making them (along with mince pies, that is about my festive repartee). I have already made the dough, and whilst that is ‘chilling’ in the fridge, I get a bit of time to myself to reflect on how different I am from my mum in the kitchen, I was thinking about Mum and what a fantastic cook she is, although nowadays she doesn’t bake so much. However, in her baking heyday some of her practices in the kitchen left a little to be desired…..

Two funny stories come to mind. the first one was when mum was making her famous ‘rock cakes’. Now, they were not ALWAYS as hard as rock as the name implies, and she put currants or something in them as well, so they were quite tasty for a Sunday afternoon tea. This particular day she made the cakes with her usual method, chucking a bit of this in, sprinkling in a pinch of that, then a dollop of something else for good measure. Once cooked they looked lovely and golden brown and she turned them out onto the wire rack to cool for a bit.

My younger sister and I were there when she decided to have a little ‘taster’ and she bit off a huge chunk from a cake.

“Mmmm these are lovely” (Self-recommendation is no praise, but Mum was proud of her cooking). As I looked up at Mum I was horrified; there were loads of ants crawling around her mouth, my sister had noticed as well. We were screeching and pointing but Mum had realised something was not right, and she rushed over to the sink to spit out the cake, and brush away the ants that she had not ingested!  It transpired that Mum’s wire rack was kept in the little alcove under the kitchen sink, and she had not washed it (how the hell she didn’t notice the ants all over it is anybody’s guess)! Well needless to say we went cakeless, and had something else!

The other occasion, was a dinner Mum was cooking for the family. She had made a gorgeous stew, and was preparing the dumplings to go with it, which she cooked in the pot with the stew. She went to one of the cupboards and got out her little box where she kept, her margarine, butter and lard. Anyway, she made the dumplings, but as I watched her , I said that they didn’t look right (Mrs Expert Chef poking her nose in)! Needless to say she took no notice of me, and half an hour later we all sat down for our lovely dinner. I took one mouthful of dumpling, and the rank taste hit me; the dumpling was expelled straight away.as I retched and heaved. Some of the others followed suit but the slow starters sat there stunned; dinner was ruined. That fat she used had been sitting opened in the packet for God knows how long, and was well and truly off! Mum told us to eat the stew anyway just leave the dumplings, but everyone’s appetite had suddenly disappeared!

I remember those two occasions so well, as my Mum never understood why we all made such a fuss about everything being clean, or that food was not past it’s ‘sell-by date’! Myself, plus some of my brothers and sisters used to go through the fridge and cupboards and sure enough there were tins there from  5 years previously (“tins last forever”), bottles where the date had rubbed off, or perhaps even before they dated foods, unwrapped food in the fridge, cooked and raw meat stored in close proximity, and condiments from the ark! Anything that was in the fridge was edible according to mum regardless of how long it had been in there!

I suppose growing up when food was rationed, they were not so picky about what they ate, being grateful to have anything. Also I have seen her trying  to sneak an errant spud in the roasting tin that had fallen on the floor when she strained them in the pan. Again, anything that went on the floor got either rinsed or brushed off and put on the plate! After all, “A little bit of dirt never killed anyone” and me, and my siblings have the cast iron stomachs to prove it!

Episode 63: Man’s Best Friend — December 2, 2014

Episode 63: Man’s Best Friend

What is it with men and the TV remote control? I am sure they think it is an extension of themselves, another appendage or something, because trying to separate the two is nigh on bloody impossible!….

When I was growing up, we only had 4 channels on the TV. In order to turn it over, you had to actually get up off the settee, go over to the TV and push in the knob or button to turn it over. Seeing as there was such little choice in TV and no-one could be bothered to keep getting up, it normally stayed mostly on one favourite channel. My step-dad was the one who always chose that channel as well, my mum was not really that bothered as she liked similar things anyway.We watched what he wanted and that was the end of it!

He couldn’t believe his luck as TVs became more sophisticated, and there was a remote control to play with (or ‘clicker’ as he liked to call it). When cable TV was introduced and there were extra channels to watch, it was dream come true for a ‘Telly Addict’ like my step-dad. He LOVED nearly all sports, had a fondness for a Spaghetti Western, became hooked on one or two soaps, and finally vociferously joined in with the quiz shows. Oh god, he would berate the hapless contestants (Family Fortunes being his favourite) for their stupidity; he would SCREAM the answers out to the dunces that couldn’t answer, repeating them louder and louder as if they could hear him, it used to drive me mad! However, I always laughed when he said “goodnight” to the newscaster before he went to bed.

The thing that was most annoying though is if, by chance one of us kids managed to actually get hold of the clicker and put Top Of The Pops or something on before he settled down for the evening, we would be halfway through only for him to come in, pick up the clicker and turn it over! He did not care if we were in the middle of something, he would just flick it over. I know we tried to hide the sodding clicker on occasion, but he would go ballistic turfing everything out until it was found!

I have found that Mr Grump is also a remote control hogger! (I think it has something to do with middle age, but I wouldn’t know as I am not there yet)! I’ll be watching something and when the adverts come on he starts flicking about through the channels; I ask him to turn it back but by the time he does it has already started and I have missed the first 2 minutes! He also loves to mess about with the menus, so you end up watching a 2×2 inch square for 20 minutes or until he has figured out how to do whatever it is he wants to do!

I can actually see the similarities in Mr Grump and how my step-dad was; armchair (no-one else is allowed to sit in it as it is in the best spot for seeing the TV): handy table nearby on which to rest obligatory cup of tea; slippers. The only difference is my step-dad had an astray on the table, and Mr Grump has a pouffe for his legs. Other than that two peas in a pod, just 20 years apart!

Some things will never change I guess!

Episode 62: Let Them Eat Cake….. — December 1, 2014

Episode 62: Let Them Eat Cake…..

Today was pretty good at work. We were extremely busy as usual, but it was a good atmosphere and we had plenty of staff, so everyone was happy. For some of us the day was about to get even better…..

I was just returning to the ward, when I saw a youngish man with an assortment of bags waiting outside, unable to get in (we have a security code outside the door). I assumed he was a visitor and asked if I could help him, but it transpired that he was there to give staff training on some pressure relieving equipment. I informed the Ward Manager who he was,and invited him into our handover room where he could give his training.

There were already a couple of nurses in there writing notes, and I briefly told them about the training. Meanwhile the Trainer was unloading some of his bags. Out came a huge box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts; I saw a couple of the young nurses’ faces light up, next came huge cartons of fruit juice, paper plates and cups with balloons on. He still hadn’t finished and a large tub of chocolates were put on the side, along with some grapes (just in case anyone was on a diet)!

I was commandeered to round-up some troops who would be available to come to the training. I actually got quite a few takers when I mentioned cakes were on offer. The Trainer certainly knew the way to get people to his sessions. He told us he is married to a nurse so he came prepared!  He also tipped a load of pens onto the table and a massive stack of post- it notes.Not only do nurses love sweet things, they are rather partial to a freebie as well, so we all listened intently to his spiel!!  I sat there sour-faced with my grapes looking longingly at the doughnuts and chocolates.

The training actually went on for quite a bit, and people kept having to get up, leave to answer a buzzer,or deal with something, then come back in again. I was called out to help a patient so I went into my Bay to see her. She had some visitors, her daughter and son-in-law who I had met on Friday, in a two-hour meeting to discuss her mother’s discharge plans. She was happy with the outcome and had brought in a home-made cake for us,to show her appreciation. This was the second one she had made, as she had wanted to try to cater for as many of the staff as she could.

She had made a massive Victoria sponge, and it was in a large square box. I gratefully accepted the cake, thanked her for her thoughtfulness and went to put it in the Handover room. As I walked back in, there were still a lot of people in there as the training was just finishing,and a couple of doctors and therapy staff had gone in to use the computer and write notes. One of the nurses caught my eye and asked what I had in my hands.

” We’ve been given more cake, from ‘Mrs Sweetie’s’ daughter”.  I took two steps in the room, tripped over something and hurtled forward, the cake wobbled dangerously in my hands, rattling inside the box. It was surprising how many pairs of hands reached out to steady me, rather than let the precious cake fall to the ground (they were not concerned about me at all, in fact once it was established that the cake was still intact, they laughed their heads off at my undignified entrance into the room, doctors and all)!

It is surprising how easily pleased us nurses are, and the good mood that started the day, was ramped up a couple of notches by everyone being hyper on a sugar overload!

Episode 61: Goodbye to NaBloPoMo!! — November 30, 2014

Episode 61: Goodbye to NaBloPoMo!!

Well that’s it, I did it! I managed to post every day throughout November. I have to admit that I have struggled at times. The delirium-induced posts written whilst in the throes of a raging fever; the frantic whizzing of ideas going round in my brain, refusing to be caught and plucked out for the next post; Oh yes, it has been pretty tough at times, but I am nothing if not determined, and I did not want to be beaten…

This last month has not only been demanding, but it has been very rewarding as well. I have encountered new people whose blogs have been a wonderful inspiration; I have had lots of support from others in the blogging community, and I’m starting to feel pretty comfy in the big wide blogosphere (I haven’t quite got my feet under the table yet, but hopefully that will come).

The fact that just over two months ago, I decided to take the plunge and start a blog, with no real clue of what the hell I was doing, (I am still only one step up from that actually) to getting a Liebster award and 94 followers, is nothing short of amazing to me. Thank you so much everyone, it’s fantastic to know that people are enjoying my blog.

I had already decided that I would post pretty regularly, but trying to produce something everyday was pretty hard work; however, somehow me and my fellow NaBloPoMoers pulled it off, and now, if we choose to, we can rest up, and recharge. I have found it daunting to write 30 posts that are entertaining (at least mildly), tell a story (even if written in rhyme), and are over a paragraph long!

At the very start of NaBloPoMo, I wrote a post describing what my blog was about and what to expect, which you can see here. I think I have stuck mostly to this theme of cringeworthy embarrassing moments, random silliness, dragging my poor family into my stories, and showing them up, as well as giving you some extra random facts about me that you’d probably rather not know!

All in all, it has been a really wonderful experience. The best thing of all to come out of it is definitely discovering the sense of community amongst bloggers. The support and encouragement they give to each other;  gaining confidence, building a rapport, discovering new concepts. This applies not just to NaBloPoMo but blogging in general. Being such a novice at all this, I am still barging about, trying to get my bearings (as well as understand some of the jargon)!

Well, I braced myself and have dipped my (funny) toe into the shallow end of blogging, then doggy paddled into the deep waters of NaBloPoMo, and although I flailed around a bit, out of my depth, I stayed afloat, bobbing about of the surface. I did not drown!

Episode 58: Judge Me for Who I Am, Not What I do!!! — November 27, 2014

Episode 58: Judge Me for Who I Am, Not What I do!!!

Isn’t it strange how very often a person is judged on the job that they do, or profession they choose. It even categorizes what ‘class’ you belong to.Very often, even now,when participating in any sort of consumer study or market research, the question is always asked as to, either the occupation of the ‘head of house’ (at least it is not assumed now that will automatically be a male) or the income of the main breadwinner, in order to determine which socio-economic group or class to slot people into.

People can be so snobby and superior if they don’t consider your job to be worthwhile or, if it required little or no qualifications, they assume that perhaps you must be a cretin and therefore unworthy of their attention. Mr Grump used to clean toilets a couple of years ago before his current job as a driver. (I may have mentioned before, but he is a trained and qualified chef, but after many years of stress and shift work, decided he wanted to do something different). I am an Associate Nurse  (not a Registered Nurse, I studied for 2 years not 3 as they do).

Anyway, the reason I mention it , is when we have met people and told them what we did for a living, we could see the disdain, and desire in them for a quick getaway to move on to someone else more interesting. (After all, we can’t be very clever if one of us cleans toilets and the other isn’t even a proper nurse)! Next time we got asked what we did for a living, we rather truthfully, but bluntly replied, “clean up other people’s shit”! If you are going to get a reaction, make it a good one!

I feel sorry for the stay-at-home-mums as well. Regardless of their skills, experience, knowledge and training, they have somehow, turned into an empty-headed, muzzy brained, frazzled mum, who does nothing all day but play with their kids and watch trash TV! Oh wouldn’t that be lovely if only it were true! What a bloody insult to be written off, as a non-entity who has nothing to talk about other than how well little Johnny is doing with his potty training, or how to treat cracked nipples when breastfeeding!

By the same token, people very often respect others with nice,trustworthy. middle class jobs, like doctors for example. (Ever heard of Dr Harold Shipman, one of Britain’s, if not the world’s, most prolific serial killers?) Oh yes, lovely man to have at a party. Just don’t introduce him to your wealthy elderly  aunty, or you might find that she meets an untimely demise under his expert ministrations! (Yes I know he killed himself now,but you get the point)!

So many swindlers, con men and fraudsters have supposedly ‘good’ jobs or are in respectable professions, just as there have been some awful abusive, spiteful and cruel people in ‘caring’ roles.Look at the dishonest Politicians,and their fake expenses claims,not to mention the philandering that goes on(and ends up in the Sunday Tabloids), What about the fat cat bosses and their huge pay rises? It is not  necessarily a safe assumption to base a person’s character on the nature of their work.

What do you think? Are you happy being judged on what you do, as opposed to who you are?

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