2015-03-31T19:17:50+01:00

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Episode 266: Ferry Good Advice!

March 31, 2015/Judy E Martin/16 Comments

I have just seen the funniest safety advice video, which has really brightened up my evening! Condor Ferries wanted to get their message across in a way that would appeal to all members of the family, and they decided that the best way to do this would be a rap!

The Captain and two of his ‘crew’ have set their rap to the tune of ‘Good Times’ by Chic. (Well it is kind of). The appalling dancing, mis-timed words and cheesy grins only adds to the appeal of this for me!

One of the lines refers to ensuring a clufe jacket is on properly and goes something like…

‘..just listen for the click

Then you know you have it on properly

And you’re looking rather hip!’

I can think of a better rhyme for what they look like in those life jackets but it would not be kind, and apparently, a lot of work has gone into the concept of this safety video. It even has some snazzy graphics for your entertainment,

Anyway, without further adom I present to you ‘Good Times’ by the Condor Ferries Crew.

Episode 260: Is That 20 inch Waist Real? Corset is!

March 28, 2015/Judy E Martin/24 Comments

One of the problems that I have with my figure is my waist (or lack of). Apart from the healthy eating regime I am trying to stick to, I have also taken up hula-hooping (thanks to my blogging pal Ritu), in the hope that I might be able to whittle my waist into some sort of shape.

A young woman from Venezuela however, had trained her waist down to a mere 20 inches! She has done this by wearing a corset for 23 hours a day, over the last six years. Apparently, although it was uncomfortable to begin with, she now loves the feel of the ‘pressure’ at her waist, and has no trouble sleeping in it!

She has had a few bit of plastic surgery as well to …ahem… enhance some of her other assets, and a bit of liposuction in her thighs, but the waist cinching is down to the corset and also eating healthily and exercise.

She is very proud of her hourglass shape and loves the attention that it brings her wherever she goes. In fact she would like to become famous because of her figure. and despite doctors warning her that this extreme corset wearing could damage her body in later life, is determined to keep wearing it.

I have to say, as much as I would love a waist, I think this woman looks a little unusual having such a small waist in comparison to the rest of her.

Do you think she is sexy or scary?

Episode 256. Bursting Out All Over!

March 27, 2015/Judy E Martin/33 Comments

Although I absolutely hate the colour of my work uniform, (it is the same grotty grey that you get when you put black and white items together on a hot wash) I am at least grateful that I don’t have to worry what I have to wear each day.

I have worked in offices in the past and it was always a challenge to come up with a different outfit every day, that was suitable for the office, and for the weather. I always like to try to look smart even if I never manage classy or elegant that I wish I was!

Anyway, myself and Mr Grump decided to nip into town today to have a mooch about, plus there were a couple of things we wanted to get. I told him that I was ‘just going to look in the window’ of the hairdressers I usually frequent to see if they were busy.

As luck would have it they weren’t. That is pretty rare so I asked the if they could fit me in for a quick trim as my fringe had grown right out and my hair was looking a bit tatty! There were two stylists working, one young dark-haired woman and an older woman with blonde hair, she was the one that ushered me off to do my hair.

As she was snipping away and chatting, I kind of turned to the side to reply, and almost got a faceful of boob! She was not a small woman, but I think the top she was wearing might have shrunk or something, as I was confronted by what looked like two shelled hard-boiled eggs (only about 5 times the size) spilling out of two giant egg-cups, thinly covered by a scrap of black lycra masquerading as a t-shirt!

Mr Grump then bowled in and started moaning because I was mid haircut and he thought I would be ages. The shop phone went off and another girl appeared from upstairs, also in a low-cut number, boobs jiggling about as she descended each stair. Mr Grump’s eyes were popping out of his head! He had already clocked the woman doing my hair, and now he was treated to this other spectacle as well.

He decided to hang around for a bit longer, but i was almost done anyway. As we came out of the shop, he said with what he hoped conveyed disapproval,

“Every time you go in there those girls have got their t**s out!” So that’s why he always comes in looking for me when he knows exactly where I have gone!

Hmmmm, isn’t it about time that hairdressers wore a uniform?!

Episode 251: Hacked Off!

March 25, 2015/Judy E Martin/17 Comments

Isn’t it great how schools now have got with the times, make the most of the latest technology and have Twitter accounts etc. I am constantly checking on my daughter’s progress via the school website. I can read all her school reports (they can’t get ‘lost’ like mine did at times), I can see whether or not she is late for any of her lessons (she has been several times, as she never feels the need to hurry grrrrrrrrrr) and can look at how many positive events she has (lots actually which I am very proud about).

Anyway,I remember that just before she started the school, their website got hacked and some rather dodgy ‘glamour’ models appeared on it instead, advertising certain services that the school would not encourage in their young ladies!

Well, it got sorted, but now a similar hoo-ha has broken out over another school’s Twitter account. Someone has decided that their headmaster would look pretty good in a fetching pair of tight underpants, with a few macho tattoos to show off, so they superimposed his head onto a fit, muscular male body and wrote a caption congratulating the head on his new contract with an Adult Entertainment site!

This has not gone down well (if you, ahem pardon the pun) with the school or some of the parents! Apparently they have shut it down whilst enquiries are being made to try to discover the culprit(s).

It has been suggested though that the school’s IT department be praised if indeed a pupil is found to have been the perpetrator, due to their superior hacking skills!

Photo Credit SWNS

Episode 246: ‘You Dirty Rat!’

March 24, 2015/Judy E Martin/7 Comments

One young man was feeling a bit fed-up on Valentine’s Day as he didn’t have a date. He decided to treat himself to dinner and headed for a local restaurant. However, this tightwad decided that he wasn’t going to pay for his meal, and tried out his master plan on the unsuspecting owner.

As he was nearing the end of his meal, the skinflint jumped up from his table shouting that he had seen a rat. This news pretty quickly cleared out the other diners as well (except for one cool dude who didn’t seem at all perturbed, either that or he was very hungry and was not leaving his food) and the owner went over to see what was going on.

The cheap skate explained what he had seen, and asked the owner for a full refund due to the rat-infested conditions, which the owner duly paid him. However, when pest control were called out to sort out the problem (pretty swiftly) they soon caught on to what had happened…

There was indeed a rat in the restaurant, but it was a domesticated one! The reason they could tell this apparently was that the rat had recently had a haircut! (Who gives rats a haircut, am I missing something here)?

Checking back over the CCTV footage seemed to confirm the moment when the pathetic penny-pincher reached into his pocket to release the rat. He has since got himself a criminal record for the sake of a £7.25 meal! He also had to pay £60 victim surcharge to the furious restaurant owner, who apparently though the sentence far too lenient and that the ‘death penalty’ was more in order!

Episode 244: It Takes All Sorts…..

March 23, 2015/Judy E Martin/18 Comments

Isn’t it funny how we all have our little ‘ways’. or foibles that are part of our make-up but other people might find a little odd or unusual….

One of my old ladies had got quite long hair, but it is really thin, She has these 3 hair combs which she likes to put her hair up with every morning, The problem is, I am rubbish with hair! Not only that, trying to get these combs to stay in is a nightmare as they just slide out. You have to be really careful as well as you can’t try to dig them in as there is only really scalp with a small smattering of hair, so it is going to hurt. She is no longer able to do it herself either, and is understandably fussy about how it is done!

Miss Hap loves the bright lights, literally! She cannot go into a room day or night without turning on the light. We can tell where she had been due to the house looking like ‘Blackpool Illuminations!’ It does drive us mad at times, especially when it is broad daylight outside.

Now my mum wears ‘pop socks.’ For those that are unfamiliar with them, they are knee-high tights with a big band around the top to keep them up (which has a kind of tourniquet effect). Not the most attractive of hosiery but much favoured by the older lady due to their comfort and ease of getting on and off. The problem is, they do not flatter. Anyone. Especially if the outfit they are wearing is above the knee. The expanse of pudgy, flesh between pop sock and bottom of hem resembles uncooked dough.She loves them though and that is that!

Mr Grump has a bit of an odd habit (in my opinion anyway). He has a set time to ‘go to the toilet’ (poo) every morning, I mean, it is like clockwork. Well it would be except for one thing. it takes him half an hour to go! It is just so weird to me that he gets up, goes out with the dog for a walk then goes! It’s not as if the walk kick-starts things into action, so to speak, as it takes half a bloody hour! Is this a man thing?

So what about me? Well I couldn’t really think of anything (or more honestly, I had trouble choosing just one thing) so I chose the fact that I like to eat my meat last when having a meal. I also do not like any gravy or sauce on my meat (It is fine on potatoes or veg). I do try to remember when going out to eat, not to do that, but I find I don’t enjoy my food as much. Strange I know.

Do you have any funny little ways or habits?

Episode 241: Banned For Dangerous Driving….A Mobility Scooter!

March 22, 2015/Judy E Martin/23 Comments

There are not many of us that actually enjoy doing the dreaded supermarket shop. Having said that, how would you feel if you were banned from an entire supermarket chain and threatened with the police if you should dare to enter?

This is what has happened to one 80 year-old pensioner. He had only popped out for a packet of cigarettes at his nearest Sainsbury’s on his mobility scooter when disaster struck! He ended up bashing into a female customer after paying for his purchase and knocking her down. The paramedics were called and the unlucky lady was taken to hospital.

The poor old pensioner was pretty upset by the whole incident, but things became worse about a week later when he received a letter from Sainsbury’s . He was told that die to the ‘incident’ he would be banned from every single Sainsbury’s store in the country (about 1700 of them). He was threatened that if he did enter a store, then he would be guilty of trespass and the police would be called.

This gentleman had already apologised profusely for the accident, and the lady was not actually injured in the event; It has now knocked his confidence as well. Whereas in his younger days he had been a truck driver, plus he had never had an accident before on his scooter, he now feels like some kind of criminal!

His daughter is also angry at the decision to ban her father from the stores,, and thinks the whole thing is a ridiculous overreaction. She also wonders how they are actually going to enforce the ban. Do they have ANPR (Automatic Number Plate Recognition) cameras for mobility scooters I wonder?!

Episode 236: Snotty Sneezes, Sets off Smacker!

March 21, 2015/Judy E Martin/10 Comments

We all get the sniffles sometimes. Occasionally a sneeze comes out of nowhere and can be quite startling to those around who were not expecting a snotty explosion, and the accompanying ATTTTTISHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO! Just this morning, as i was sound asleep, both me and the dog were awoken by Mr Grump letting rip an almighty sneeze!

For most of us, it is a minor annoyance when someone dares to disturb our peace by letting out an unfettered sneeze, however, one middle-aged man in the north of england, has taken offence by these sniffy snufflers and has taken to whacking them around the head!

Maybe he has some sort of germ phobia, or perhaps he is sensitive to sudden outbursts of noise, but either way, he is taking things a little bit far here. He is not shy in letting his disapproval be known either. He clouted the first middle-aged victim in the middle of Carlisle city centre when she inadvertently sneezed in the middle of shopping. He then disappeared before she had realised what had hit her (literally in this case)!

The other poor victim was an elderly lady who got smacked around the head when she too let out an unexpected sneeze. She was pretty upset and shaken, and again, the weird whacker had disappeared before anyone could do anything.

Th police are now calling for witnesses and are desperately trying to catch this nasty nutter before he does it again. After all, spring is just around the corner, and not only are people still likely to be suffering from the usual colds, but hay fever could well be added to the nix, thereby doubling the list of potential victims!

Episode 230: Silly Sarcastic Sayings…..

March 18, 2015/Judy E Martin/7 Comments

I do love a bit of sarcasm, I really think it is highly underrated actually. I know it is ‘not big and it’s not clever’ (well actually sometimes it can be very clever, depends on the delivery) but I still use it nonetheless. I also appreciate it when others use it, as I love a cutting remark (in a jokey way).

For example, at work when going to bleed a patient, on asking one of the nurses whether they had good veins or not being told,

“A blind person wearing boxing gloves could get blood out of those veins!”

Another favourite of mine is one of Mr Grump’s sayings to Miss Hap at dinner time as he enquired

“Do you want chips with that ketchup?”

What about when you turn up somewhere soaking wet after being caught in the rain, and one person always pipes up,

“Oh is it raining out?” To which you reply

“No, I just love the bedraggled look!”

When in a group and you say something privately to someone, who then blurts it out loudly.

“Can you speak up a bit, I don’t think they heard you next door!”

When someone you know is wearing an outfit of clashing colours, or looks really scruffy and they get asked,

“Did you get dressed in the dark?”

As all of my family uses sarcasm regularly Miss Hap has picked up the habit and when she came home tonight in her PE kit, I said to her,

“Why on earth did you come home in your PE kit?”

To which she disdainfully replied,

“Because I had PE!”

Great! Ask a silly question…….

Episode 219: Silly Sayings….

March 13, 2015/Judy E Martin/16 Comments

It’s funny how we incorporate these little sayings into our lives (many that our own parents have said to us in the past) that don’t make any sense! Here are a few of my favourites……

“If you don’t eat your dinner, you won’t get any pudding!” This was said to us as kids if we had left our meal in order to get to the rather nicer looking dessert. This is a bit silly really as, if we ate all our dinner we might not be able to eat our pudding, let alone enjoy it!

“If the wind changes you will stay like that”! We have all poked our tongue out at someone or made a face behind their back. This threat was supposed to deter us doing this, but I really don’t think anyone ever believes it!

“Do you want a smack?” This really makes me laugh. As if anyone is going to say “Oh yes please, the harder the better” (On second thoughts with all this 50 Shades stuff being popular at the moment…)Anyway, as kids when you are being naughty and your mum threatens you with this, you do tend to behave yourself pretty quick!

In the same vein what about, ” Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about!” For a start if you are in a state about something, it is not always easy (as a child) to just instantly stop crying, but if you don’t you are in for a clout. A bit of a no-win one this is!

” Go and wash behind your ears, you could grow spuds there” Even if it were possible, why would anyone want to grow potatoes on their head!

Those are some of my favourites. Do you have any?

Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Tag: silly

Episode 266: Ferry Good Advice!

Episode 260: Is That 20 inch Waist Real? Corset is!

Episode 256. Bursting Out All Over!

Episode 251: Hacked Off!

Episode 246: ‘You Dirty Rat!’

Episode 244: It Takes All Sorts…..

Episode 241: Banned For Dangerous Driving….A Mobility Scooter!

Episode 236: Snotty Sneezes, Sets off Smacker!

Episode 230: Silly Sarcastic Sayings…..

Episode 219: Silly Sayings….

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Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

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