Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 138: Carbuncle in the Cotswolds! — February 3, 2015

Episode 138: Carbuncle in the Cotswolds!

Oh how some people make me laugh! There has been a bit of an outcry at the moment because of a yellow car and a beautiful village  in the Cotswolds…….

Now, only a couple of days ago, I posted about how much I miss driving my pretty yellow car at the moment as it is off the road. Note I said ‘pretty’ yellow car. That’s right, it is a cheery, sunshiny. happy colour is yellow.

Some people don’t like yellow, and are particularly offended by cars in that most beautiful of colours. Yes, I’m talking about tourists, and photographers. They are kicking up a stink about a particular yellow car owned by a retired  82-year-old dentist, (Bless him).

The problem is that this car is parked smack-bang in the middle of a row of 14th Century Medieval cottages in the beautiful village of Bilbury, situated in the Cotswolds. Now this particular row of cottages attracts visitors and tourists from far and wide, who want to capture the beauty and serenity of this little lane.

The problem is this poor little yellow car is spoiling their view, and (shock, horror) appearing in their photos, Now this dentist is entitled to park his car there and is doing nothing wrong, Even the National Trust who own the buildings cannot force this owner to park his car elsewhere.

This area is one of ‘outstanding beauty’ hence the huge number of people it attracts. It is a shame that some of those people are so snobby and petty as to object to a little unobtrusive yellow Corsa, which quite frankly, adds to the ambience of the scene, in my opinion.

Is it an asset or an eyesore?

Episode 137: Trial By Jeremy Vile: Helpful or Humiliating? —

Episode 137: Trial By Jeremy Vile: Helpful or Humiliating?

Ah the good old chat show! Don’t you just love them? How things have changed from the good old days of ‘Ricki Lake’ and ‘Oprah’. Oh yes, they sometimes got heated but then ‘The Jerry Springer Show’ burst onto our screens complete with bizarre guests, and punch ups galore! Compulsive viewing, to start with as it was just so shocking.

Over here in the UK, we have got good old Jeremy Kyle, Some of you might have already heard of him. He just loves to get right in people’s faces, and wind them up, calling them stupid, or telling them to go and get a job etc. Then gets out of the way was they are about to lash out. He is very agile is Jezza!

God knows why anyone would want to go on TV and air their dirty laundry but there seems to be no shortage of guests ready and willing to put themselves up for humiliation, not just by him, but by the press who occasionally latch on to a story associated with the show.

I have to share with you, a couple of extracts from a conversation between Jeremy, a female guest and her ex-boyfriend. It went along the lines of:

Jeremy, “So you sent pictures of your private parts to another woman on your phone?”

Ex, “Well I had a bad day at work!”

Jeremy: Why did you get arrested for harassing her?”

Ex, “Because I harassed her!”

Now I get the fact that the show is trying to help people; It  offers after care services,  for all manner of problems, addiction, child contact centres, financial help and the like, but they really have to go through the ringer in order to get it!

Jeremy is very often condescending; takes the mickey out of the guests, and shouts in people’s faces. Not to mention his favourite expression is for men to ‘put something on the end of it’! Now that is a catchphrase to be proud of!

Do you think these shows are really helpful, or just titillation for the viewers?

Episode 136: Everyday Essentials….. —

Episode 136: Everyday Essentials…..

I decided that it was about time my handbag got sorted out. I have loads of different coloured ones, but seem to stick with the same old black one that matches most of my clothes, plus I am too lazy to turn move stuff from one bag to another! The fact that my bag was getting heavier and heavier, made me think that perhaps I don’t need to carry around everything….

I was surprised at some of the stuff i find essential to cart around everywhere with me:

  • Address book. note-book and blank diary (ahh, what a social butterfly I am – NOT)!
  • Sunglasses. Well I know it is the middle of winter in England but you never know…
  • Empty glasses case. I only ever wear my glasses to work. so no idea why this is in my handbag. (I have a separate bag for work which is even bigger)!
  • Cheap reading glasses. Just in case I do have to admit defeat when squinting at something for ages doesn’t work!
  • Purse and phone. These really are the essentials.
  • Jotter, This was supposed to be to write things in to help with inspiration. It hasn’t worked.
  • Programme for school Christmas concert that I wrote about and offended everybody. God knows why that is still in there.
  • 4 and 1/2 pens. Yes, one is broken,(who knows when you will need 1/2 a pen)?!
  • 3 lighters. I gave up smoking in October, but they may come in handy.If I am stuck outside freezing somewhere, I can always rip up my jotter and use it to start up a fire. Be prepared, is what I say (Well actually I think it was the Brownies or something)!
  • A multi-tool consisting of what looks like a knife fork and spoon combination. Now you never know when you might need eating utensils, so this is a very handy piece of kit to have around. (Shame you can’t use both the knife and fork at the same time though).
  • Two packets of tissues for snotty noses, messy eating, emotional moments, or even substitute loo roll (Public toilets are always running out of toilet paper and you don’t want to be caught short). Another essential.
  • A ‘looking good’ compact mirror. Not that i ever want to look in it, but it is there to compliment me, as no bugger else will!

I have decided that actually I do need everything in that bag. I have covered myself for some of the little challenges that life likes to throw our way when least expected.

What essentials do you need to carry with you, just in case?

Episode 135: Sorrowful Sharks at the Superbowl — February 2, 2015

Episode 135: Sorrowful Sharks at the Superbowl

Now I don’t know anything about NFL Superbowl, other than it is a HUGE sporting event. This years league championship game was between the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks, and the patriots won.

The reason it has come to my attention is because there was an article about it in one of our tabloid newspapers. Now you might be mistaken for thinking that it focused on the game; all the drama, and excitement, plus the tension, the crowd etc. It didn’t!

Oh no, this article was all about Katy Perry and her dancing sharks! Well, as soon as I saw the headline, I decided that it needed further investigation, and I was not disappointed! There was even a video clip for my delight and entertainment!

And was I entertained! Katy Perry herself, looked as stunning as always, but whose idea was it to have dancing sharks? I mean for God’s sake, look at the outfits they had to wear for a start! How can anyone be  expected to dance in that? They look like something that they used to make contestants wear in ‘It’s a Knockout’ in order to hamper their movements.

It seems like it had the same effect here. The poor old shark in the left got a little confused as to what they were doing, and must have thought that if he(or she) kept moving no-one would notice. After all, there is no way the dance routine is going to be that elaborate with a limited range of movement, (Those outfits might as well be straightjackets)! Ok if you want to do that Irish dancing where you don’t move your arms I suppose!

One other thing I would like to mention about the poor sharks is their sad expressions! Now I am not surprised given that they could hardly move, and one of them has messed up the routine, but honestly, their morose expressions said it all! Poor buggers!

It made me laugh though!

Photo credits. Reuters
Episode 134: Egg On My Face…. —

Episode 134: Egg On My Face….

“Mum, I’ve forgotten my bus pass”  are not the words that you want to hear at 8am on a Monday morning! Especially if you are still groggy form a dreadful nights sleep…..

My eleven year old daughter is disorganisation personified! No matter how hard I try, how much cajoling, wheedling, and finally grounding  makes no difference at all. She has a head like a sieve (no idea where she gets that from), and no amount of nagging, or should I say ‘reminding’ gets the information into her stubborn head!

I am at home today, waiting for my car to be fixed. I thought I might go mad and do a bit of housework, and other bits and pieces indoors. So for that reason, I have dressed appropriately. A pair of leggings and a long line short-sleeved top are perfect for the tasks I intend to carry out,

They are not however, perfect for having to hot-foot it to the bus stop to deliver the bloody bus pass!  I brushed aside the wearing of socks today, preferring to slop about in my comfy mid heel mules. The problem I had was that time was of the essence, as my daughter and her friend were hoping to catch the next bus at 8.20 and the bus stop is at least a 10 minute walk away.

I grabbed my heavy waterproof jacket and set off. As I was ‘clip-clopping’ down the road in my mules, I smiled at people who were scraping the ice off their cars, ready for work, There were a few raised eyebrows as they clocked my poor, freezing sockless feet in the summer mules, but i walked on head held high!

I phoned my daughter on the way and told her to meet me halfway. She agreed, but I finally caught up with her at the local park, about 2 mins away from the bus stop. Her and her friend sauntered in, totally unperturbed, scoffing sausage rolls (presumably with the money she got from the ‘tooth fairy’ last night)! She grabbed the bus pass, ignored my mini-rant, and dawdled back to the bus stop!

I sped home realising that I had left the pan on with my boiled egg for breakfast in it, hoping that I still had a home left! Luckily, there was a bit of water left in the pan and my egg was hard-boiled to perfection. Just as I like it!

I still have the problem of trying to get my daughter to remember her bus pass in the mornings. Any ideas?!

Episode 133: Yellow Peril…. — February 1, 2015

Episode 133: Yellow Peril….

I never thought I would  say this but I can’t wait for my car to be back on the road! I might have mentioned before that I absolutely hate driving. If I can get out of it at any time then I will. However I have actually missed the fact that I can’t just nip off to my sister’s if i want to, or the shops, or anywhere for that matter!

I haven’t even had it that long, since September I think. I already had a perfectly good little car, but it wasn’t really me. it was red and…well,.. boring really. I like brightly coloured things. I like pretty things, and this car was neither, Humdrum and ordinary.

Mr Grump was browsing through some cars on one of those online Auto mag websites and he jokingly showed me a picture of this car, as he knew I would like the colour of it. Big mistake. I wanted that car. It was my favourite colour yellow; not only that, all the inside of it matched as well, yellow gear stick knob (very important), and pedals as well as the seat covers etc.

To cut a long story very short, I got it! I was thrilled with it. Forget the fact that Mr Grump said it was a ‘Boy Racer’s’ car, and that the exhaust had been ‘Bad Boyed’,so that it makes a really loud roaring sound (you can hear me coming for miles), It was yellow and it was pretty. Oh and it has a fancy stereo, that you can watch films on as well (not whilst driving of course), and that was I that I cared about!

I thought by having this car, it might even encourage me to drive a bit more, (it did a bit), but not for long because the MOT was due on it a couple of months after I had got it (roadworthiness test). It failed! Bloody thing!

Anyway, most of the work that has needed doing on it has been done, and tomorrow the new catalytic converter is going to be fitted, so fingers crossed It will be re-tested and back on the road soon.

So I will no longer be chauffeured to and from work by a disgruntled Mr Grump, which I have to say I have enjoyed immensely. I will however be roaring about in my pretty little car, getting strange looks off the young lads. (They admire my car and then look aghast as they see this old girl getting out of it, rather than some spotty, teenaged boy)!

Episode 132: Monkey Business! —

Episode 132: Monkey Business!

As I mentioned yesterday, I bought a craft magazine with some wool and various patterns with suggestions on what to make it. Miss Hap decided that she liked the monkey pattern, and with the amount of wool we have, we can actually make three of them. Being the type of person that Ii am, I got stuck straight in to it.

Now I am left-handed and my daughter is right-handed and she can’t knit yet. I know in primary school they did have a brief lesson, but she hadn’t quite grasped it. My attempts to teach her have not been successful because I can’t knit the other way round either!

We settled on me doing the first monkey just to make sure that I was able to actually make it myself (I can knit but have only tried knitting a toy once which was a bit of a disaster),

I knitted up all the various parts of the monkey quite nicely, but as my sewing skills are pretty rubbish, the finished result (as you can see) is a poor little scruffy monkey that already looks like he has been kicked around the block a few times!

Miss Hap, however, loves it!

Episode 131: Blowing Away The Cobwebs. — January 31, 2015

Episode 131: Blowing Away The Cobwebs.

Today my mind was too full of worries and niggles and I was feeling a bit het-up. The weather was dreary and grey, although dry, and I was moping about totally unmotivated…

As food is never far from my mind, I asked Mr Grump what we were going to have for dinner tonight. I was not impressed with his suggestions, and tried to persuade him to do our grocery shopping today instead of tomorrow whilst I stayed at home.

Well he wasn’t having that. He insisted that we all go shopping and that we walk the  3 mile round trip, as it would do us all good to get some exercise. Surprisingly Miss Hap was up for it, but I tried to get out of it, However, I realised that if I wanted something nice for dinner then I would have to go with them.

So off we trotted. Actually it was quite nice, as we kept off the main roads and used the little footpaths that cut through a large wooded area. We kept up a brisk pace and chatted throughout the journey, so it was rather pleasant.

In no time at all we were wondering around the supermarket. Miss Hap and I browsed through some craft magazines, and a knitting one caught her eye. Funnily enough, I was thinking today how I would like to take up knitting again, as I hadn’t done anything for ages. Also I can actually knit (unlike my dressmaking attempts, where I try  – but fail). I bought the magazine which included a pattern for some knitted monkeys plus the wool to make it with.

Once we had bought everything we needed, we headed back home. This time the walk was not quite as pleasant. For a start, the wind had kicked up, and about 10 minutes in, the rain started falling. This coupled with the heavy bags (stupidly, we hadn’t considered carrying the shopping all the way back) made the trip a little more challenging!

Everyone was pleased to get back home in the warm, and once we had dried off and sorted ourselves out, I started to knit one of the little monkeys…I could feel the stress melting away.

Episode 129: Moongazing…… — January 30, 2015

Episode 129: Moongazing……

Mr Grump came home carrying a huge bag a week or so ago. Being curious, I poked my nose into the bag to discover that he had bought a second-hand telescope. I was quite excited about this as I would love to get a closer look at the night sky, and see the moon and starts in more detail.I just had to wait for a clear night to be able to use it…..

My patience paid off, and tonight is a beautiful clear night, with a 3/4 moon and a generous sprinkling of starts for me to wonder at. Mr Grump dug about in the shed, came back with the bag and emptied the contents onto the front room floor so we could assemble it.

The body of the telescope was about 4ft long and 6 inches wide, plus there were all these little lenses and mini scope like bits, and finally the tripod with cogs and dials on it!  Wow, this was going to be good, and Miss Hap will enjoy it too. The only thing that was missing though were the bloody instructions!

Mr Grump brushed off this little inconvenience and being pretty resourceful, got the tripod set up with no problem. He then attached the large  body piece. and started screwing little bits and pieces on here and there.

I took this opportunity to get myself wrapped up against the freezing weather and put on a few more layers, encouraging Miss Hap to do the same. Meanwhile Mr Grump had carted the whole telescope ensemble out to the back garden and was twirling knobs, looking intensely at the moon trying to get it into focus.

Miss Hap and I waited….and waited for him to get a good view; I decided that we might as well wait for a bit until he called us, so as not to distract him, Sure enough after a few minutes he called us. Excitedly I craned my neck and stood on tiptoe (not being very tall) trying to look through the eyepiece. I ooohed and aahed but could only really see about 1cm of white light! I beckoned my daughter to have a look which she did. I held her hand to keep her balanced as she strained to see. Just as she saw it, she managed to kick the tripod, sending the telescope plummeting downwards.

Mr Grump grabbed it, glared at us two who were giggling, and set about re-focusing it, only this time, lowering the tripod a bit first so that we could actually see through it. I did finally get to see the moon this time, but although I could pick out a couple of craters, was not overly impressed, as I was expecting more!

Anyway, I asked him to train it on a star, this time. It took him ages to find one (I don’t know why. the sky was full of them), He then hogged the telescope for ages! I asked him to let me have a look as I was getting cold and had already been waiting ages (I am not known for my patience). He decided that he would change the lens so I could see it better. then promptly lost sight of it altogether!

I stomped back into the warmth of the front room, and left M Grump to disassemble the lot and pack it away back in the shed (Miss Hap had already scarpered off bored).

I need a bog standard telescope I think. These fancy ones with all the bells and whistles on, are all very nice and all that, but dunces like me can’t cope with complicated!

Episode 128: Love and Microwaves! —

Episode 128: Love and Microwaves!

It’s just over a fortnight now until Valentine’s Day, The shops are all decked out with hearts and flowers, cute cuddly toys and balloons. This year I have even seen rose petals, and little heart-shaped cutters; presumably for giving that special someone their morning toast on a tray strewn with petals. Chance would be a fine thing!

When I was younger I used to get very excited about Valentine’s Day. I was always desperate for the post to arrive on that morning, bringing with it armfuls of cards from my many admirers. The problem was mine and my younger sister’s birthday is on the 16th, so any cards that were sent would be hidden by my Mum with the assumption that they were birthday cards (which they always were)! It didn’t stop me thinking on my birthday that there would be a few Valentines in amongst the other cards (There weren’t)!

When I was a teenager, things did improve a bit. I used to hang around with this boy who was a couple of years older than me. we went everywhere together, and were always around each other’s houses. We were just friends though. However, he always sent me a Valentine card, as well as a rose or a heart-shaped chocolate egg or something, and it was signed by ‘Mr X.’ It didn’t take me long to deduce who Mr X was, so from then on I sent him one signed by ‘Miss X!’ (I have never been graced with a wild sense of imagination!)

My family always teased me saying that he fancied me, but I took no notice, He had his girlfriends and I had boyfriends over the years, but we were still friends and the cards still came. I did get a shock one year though, when I had left home to join the Army. On Valentine’s morning I got the usual card sent to me by Mr X, which was sweet as we still kept in touch – but the day after I got another one. This was in the same handwriting but on the inside of the card this time he had just written ‘I love you’!

So he did fancy me! Problem was, I was just starting out on a new life, and I didn’t feel the same at that point so I never made any mention of it! Neither did he, but we kind of lost touch for a little while after that!

I did get other Valentine’s cards, and the odd bunch of flowers at later times in my life, but I soon realised that there is no set time or date to show someone you love how much you appreciate them and love them. Yes, it is nice to get chocolates or flowers, but when Mr Grump is in the right mood,(or in the doghouse) I will get those anyway!

In fact a couple of years ago we ended up buying a microwave for Valentine’s day! Ours had broken, and we saw this really nice one that we liked so we bought that as a mutual Valentines’s present to each other.

Who says that romance is dead?

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