Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

#SoCS Money — April 14, 2018

#SoCS Money

This week Linda has given us, mon for our Stream of Consciousness posts, which can be used as part of a word or as a word itself, whichever we choose. I have decided to write about money.

I don’t know about you but I always like to have a little bit of cash on me, even if it is just a few pounds. I can’t bear the thought of being somewhere and not having any money on me even to buy a coffee or something, despite most shops accepting cards! Even when I am at work, I always make sure that I have money on me for ‘essentials’ whatever they may end up to be.

Last week, Mr Grump, Miss Hap and I popped into town because I wanted to get some wool, it was not going to be a long trip as I knew roughly where I wanted to get it from. Anyway, I didn’t have any cash on me and told Grump I needed to go to an ATM to get some. He laughs at my ‘obsession’ about having cash as I often ask him to pick me some up when he is out and about, so I immediately backtracked and said I would pay for it by card instead.

I still can’t get my head around contactless payments and wave my card 2 or 3 times over the machine, then give it a tap just to make sure it has been read! I mentioned that it used to drive me mad waiting ages for people to pay by card (mainly credit cards) when the items were only a couple of pounds and that I would NEVER use my card for anything less than a fiver. That is why I like to have the cash on me. Apparently, though with contactless payments you can pay piddly little;e amounts by card as it doesn’t matter.

I had a job finding the wool I wanted and ended up going to several shops before I found it, and I duly paid by card. Grump had an errand to run so I decided to make use of the small tea room nearby as I was in need of refreshments; he would meet us there in a few minutes.

Well, of course, being the middle of the afternoon, I fancied a scone, but not being greedy bought one to share with my husband. My daughter won’t entertain them but is not adverse to a hot sausage roll so she had that. Strangely for her though, she didn’t want a drink to go with it, but I bought coffees for me and Grump, and again paid by card.

Just as we were about to leave the shop to sit outside (It was quite warm that day), Miss Hap decided that actually she did want a drink and fancied a chocolate milkshake. Needless to say, she chose a large one. I trotted back to the till to pay and gave them my card. To my utter mortification, they wouldn’t take it as the price was £2.50 and they won’t take cards for goods under a fiver! Bugger!

I had no cash on me, but that morning had given Miss Hap the last £10 I had in cash for her pocket-money. She had to hand that over to pay for her milkshake! That’ll teach her to go for a large one. To say she had on heer ‘smacked arse’ face when we got out of there was an understatement. Mr Grump came back to half a jam and creamless dry scone (I was a bit disappointed when they brought it out) and two crabby family members!

Do you like to flash the cash or carry a card?

Friday 13th, Superstitious or Sceptical? — April 13, 2018

Friday 13th, Superstitious or Sceptical?

Today being Friday 13th will mean that the superstitious among us will feel a little uneasy as it is supposed to be very unlucky, particularly in western culture. It is taken so seriously that some people will refuse to get married, travel (particularly by air) or even go to work. Although it has not been proven that Friday 13th is worse than any other day, the fact that it is a ‘double-whammy’ due to both Friday and the number 13 being seen as unlucky some people just want to hide themselves away and not take any chances.

Perhaps they might feel better if a bird pooped on them or their car! After all, this is supposed to bring good luck. It’s even better if you could get a flock of birds to poop on you all at once. Apparently the more poo, the more riches you will receive. Mind you, it takes forever to get off the car and is dreadful on the paint work. Getting poo on your person is not very pleasant either, especially if it lands on your head and drips down your face!

Now if you had an umbrella, you might have been spared the poo in the hair thing, but under no circumstances should you open it indoors. If you do that, then you are asking for bad luck, or storms to ‘rain’ down on you. Nobody wants that. Personally, I would be more concerned with having someone’s eye out if I opened my brolly indoors, knowing how clumsy I am.

Speaking of which, what about seven years bad luck for breaking a mirror, That’s a bit harsh isn’t it?! It’s those Romans who are to blame for  scaremongering on this one. Apparently, it has something to do with a mirror reflecting your soul so if you break it your soul will be damaged hence the bad luck. It was also believed that the soul only renewed itself every seven years. Practically speaking maybe you should be more worried about all that sharp glass scattered about that could give you a nasty cut!

Similarly, walking under a ladder might get you brained with a pot of paint, or a bucket! However, that is not the original reason the superstition arose. Oh no, it was because the ladder points (on a double ladder) forms a trinity, as does a single ladder leaned up against a wall. Christians believed that if you walked through this trinity then you were in cahoots with the Devil, and might even be a witch!

Talking of the devil, what do you do when you knock over the salt?  I pick some of it up and chuck it over my left shoulder, supposedly in order to throw it in the eye of the devil who may be lurking there and therefore ward off his malevolent intentions.  There are several explanations as to how this originated, but the most common belief is that Judas Iscariot knocked over the salt at the last supper, which was depicted in Leonardo da Vinci’s famous painting.

Having a black cat, normally a witch’s favoured pet, walk past. Here in Britain, and in Japan, it is considered good luck to have a black cat cross your path whereas in other countries is it considered bad luck, take your pick!

Are you superstitious or sceptical?

Happy Friday 13th everyone!

Tallis Steelyard: Pictures From an Exhibition Blog Tour – The Market — April 12, 2018

Tallis Steelyard: Pictures From an Exhibition Blog Tour – The Market

Something entirely different from me today. I am extremely thrilled and delighted to be a part of Tallis Steelyard’s blog tour am proud to be hosting today’s story, which is entitled ‘The Market. ‘  If you would like to get the low-down on the backstory then please hop over to Tallis’ blog here.

Now, a word from the man himself:

Tallis Steelyard and Jim Webster proudly present

Tallis Steelyard. The Festival, and other stories.

Available from
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tallis-Steelyard-Festival-other-stories-ebook/dp/B07BT9LWRP

More of the wit, wisdom and jumbled musings of Tallis Steelyard. In here
Tallis touches upon child rearing, politics as a performance art, the joy of
dance and the advantages that come with good manners. Discover why Madam
Dolbart was forced to constantly hire new cooks, marvel at the downfall of
Dash Blont, lecher, libertine, and philanderer. Whatever happens, do not
pass through life without knowing of the advantages to be gained by an early
morning pick-me-up of horse dung spread fine on toast. You too can be
charming and elegant once you know how.
For a mere 99p, all this and more can be yours.

8) The market

Have you ever considered the complexity of provisioning a city the size of Port Naain? How many grain ships must dock each week? How many thousands of livestock are driven into the city from our hinterland? Yet it all happens without obvious drama. Each day there is enough fine quality horrocks to enable Falan Geer to serve truly excellent pies in his pie shop. But at the same time somebody supplies enough nondescript creatures composed mainly of fat and gristle to enable Mingin Webble to continue in production in his somewhat less prestigious establishment. Is not the world of commerce a miracle?
You might ask why a poet waxes lyrical on such a topic, but I served my time with Miser Mumster. Yes as a poet I can make words dance to serve my whim, but thanks to a sound early training I can also take pleasure in the magic of numbers and applaud the precise way they march in their serried ranks.

Still who, you might ask, looks to those other commodities which come into the city? After all, if I, Tallis Steelyard, wish for a cinnamon bun, I do not want to hear that there is an unexpected shortage of cinnamon in the city. But perhaps next week, tired of cinnamon, I fancy something sweeter, a honey cake perhaps? Who is going to ensure that there is enough honey in the city to pander to my whims?

Indeed there are even more esoteric commodities traded in our city and the demand is monitored very closely by skilled professionals. In this painting, Andreal introduces us to two of them. The lady in blue in our picture is Tannit Armley, while the young flower seller is Ettie Wakes.

Tannit specialises in spices and associated commodities. She is one of a number of traders who will drift between various tea and coffee houses, sipping infusions, nibbling exotic cakes and exchanging pleasantries with the customers. She will talk to the proprietors but also to those who wait at the tables. Thus she hopes to spot any trends in the market and take advantage of them. So last year it was she who spotted that lemon and ginger was falling from favour amongst older ladies who as winter came on were switching to hot chocolate with mint. Chocolate always gets increased sales at that time of the year but this was the first time that chocolate and mint had been fashionable. Tannit spotted the trend and it was she purchased enough mint to get the city through winter. Incidentally, she also cornered the market and made rather a lot of money in the process.

That being said, her trade is always uncertain. Last year she correctly predicted rum as the flavouring of choice for custards but other than buying half a boat load of rum as it came into Port Naain, there was little else she could do. Similarly whilst she was correct that the berries of the red-leaved smokethorn would be this year’s culinary sensation, due to transport considerations, by the time the berries arrived, fashion had moved on. This explains why Porridge Vinney and other street vendors were offering smokethorn as one of their flavourings. Tannit was faced with getting rid of her stock at fire-sale prices or paying for warehouse space to store rotting fruit.

Young Ettie Wakes on the other hand specialises in monitoring a very different market. She sells her flowers outside the places where you go to be seen. She it is who watches the ladies and gentlemen come and go and works out who are the rising stars of the social scene, and who are destined to fade and disappear.

It was Ettie who defied opinion which declared that Tannit Armley was finished as mistress of Alaman Just. She it was who always sold Tannit her posy as she was escorted into ‘The Stack’, Port Naain’s main theatre, on Alaman’s arm. She it was who sold a posy to Sissie Toolittle the following evening when she was Alaman’s lady of choice at the theatre. At that point most people had written Tannit off.

But Ettie told those who relied upon her intelligence not to snub Tannit too soon. Sure enough, the next evening whilst Sissie Toolittle accompanied Alaman to the Sinecurists Ball, Tannit also attended. She stopped and surveyed Ettie’s posies.

Ettie asked if there was anything in particular she was looking for. Verona flashed her a smile which showed all her teeth, and answered, “Something with a good sharp edge.”

With that she took a perfect rose, squared her shoulders and with her head held high walked into the ballroom looking neither to the right nor the left.

Obviously everybody knows the story, and how Alaman Just ended up kneeling at Tannit’s feet, held there by his wife who had a tight grip on his ear.

Indeed two days later, at a soiree I was helping to organise, I overheard Madam Just say to a friend, “If a man will not be loyal to his mistress, he will not be loyal to his wife.”

Apparently Madam Just and Tannit take tea together at least twice a week, and neither of them will pass young Ettie without buying a posy from her.

***

Lost For Words! — April 10, 2018

Lost For Words!

As many of you know, I really love words and the fun that can be had with them. However, as you get older (so I’m told), you might have a bit of job trying to remember a particular word that you were searching for.

How many of us have said,

“Can you pass me that…….thingummyjig’ or perhaps ” where is the …….oojamaflip?” Where on earth do these silly words come from? I know I often resort to ‘do-dah’ when I can’t find the word I need.

My step-father had a broad West Country accent and he would often say something like,

“Go and get the wha’s call it for I.”  He also had a lovely way of getting words mixed up as in ‘every Dick, Tom and Harry’ or better still, “pass I thick Amber Solamber, will thee?” Now, of course, he meant to pass the Ambre Solaire suntan lotion. Bless him, he always took it in good part when we laughed!

My husband is another one who can’t recall what he wants to say (well, he is even older than I am), and will refer to things as a ‘gizmo’ or ‘dooberry firkin.’

It’s funny though as most of these words we resort to when we can’t think of the right one, are probably about three times as long!

It’s good to talk! — April 9, 2018

It’s good to talk!

Like most people, nowadays we have a landline as well as mobile phones and use both equally.  As technology becomes more and more sophisticated, I become more and more befuddled. I do know how to use some of the features of both, but mainly I use them to make phone calls (surprisingly), send texts and take photos. I have once tried to compose a post on my phone but it went horribly wrong, and I ended up raging at the bloody thing (after all it is the phone’s fault and not mine of course)!

Anyway, a rather strange thing happened a while ago, I was on annual leave, and Mr Grump rang me on my mobile to tell me to get ready as he was picking me up after finishing work. He asked why I didn’t pick up the home phone, and I told him because it didn’t ring, that’s why! He said it rang for an instant then gave the engaged signal, was I on to the phone to someone else or did I just cut him off?

I hadn’t done either. Obviously, he didn’t take my word for it, and when he came home, he rang the landline from his mobile, engaged. That was a bit odd. I made sure the line was clear, it was. He tried again, engaged I tried it, ring, ring. Funny, I could get through but he couldn’t

Oh, that was it, we had to detour to the bloody EE mobile phone shop in town to see what was wrong with his stupid phone! I hate these places. Trendy, young sales assistants who are all up with the latest gadgets, give the, “Oh, God don’t let them come to me” look to each other as we approach the front desk.

The unlucky loser was a young woman with the kind of two haircuts in one style that is so popular at the moment. She listened disinterestedly as poor old Grump gave her a rather lengthy explanation of what was wrong.  I could see her eyes glazing over, and that she was itching to snatch the phone off of Mr Grump so she could look at it herself.  After a few swipes of the screen here and there, she handed it back and said in a bored monotone, “there is nothing wrong with it at all, the settings are all fine, and there are no blocks on it.”

Great, that was really helpful. Mr Grump muttered his thanks, and then later on when we were at home asked me to ring Talk Talk our landline provider to find out what the problem was. I went selectively deaf for a while, why the hell did I have to do it!

Anyway, the next day he went on about it again so, when he came home, I moodily rang them. Well, of course, I didn’t get anywhere. The automated system asked me the wrong questions, and from the answers, it insisted on getting, I was told robotically that they would test my line and text me back.  They did an hour later, nothing wrong.

I phoned again, pressed different buttons and gave what must have been the right answers as I actually got a person! Mind you; I think they thought I was a bit simple and said they would also check the line, but I got my own back on Grump and made him talk to the bloke and tell him the problem he was having with his phone! I don’t know what was going on, but he had my phone, his phone and the landline, and still, it didn’t work. He couldn’t ring the landline and I could. More tests would be carried out and Grump was fuming.

I picked up the landline phone to ring my sister, and as is usual I pressed a few wrong buttons trying to find the address book part. I noticed something, though. There was a screen and on it was a folder ‘blocked numbers,’ I selected it, and there was poor old Mr Grump’s phone number! God knows how it had got there, but I managed to erase it from the folder. Mr Grump dialled the home phone, and it rang!

How I love technology!

NaPoWriMo Day 7 Identity — April 7, 2018

NaPoWriMo Day 7 Identity

I once joined in with NaPoWriMo (National Poetry Writing Month) which I thoroughly enjoyed. However, I completely forgot about it this year until now. I may not be able to join in every day, but I certainly would like to participate as often as I can.

Today is Day 7 and this is the prompt: Identity

And now for our (optional) prompt. In our interview, Kyle Dargan suggests writing out a list of all of your different layers of identity. For example, you might be a wife, a grandmother, a Philadelphian, a dental assistant, a rabid Phillies fan, a seamstress, retiree, agnostic, cancer survivor, etc.. These are all ways you could be described or lenses you could be viewed through. Now divide all of those things into lists of what makes you feel powerful and what makes you feel vulnerable. Now write a poem in which one of the identities from the first list contends or talks with an identity from the second list. This might turn out to be kind of a “heavy” exercise, emotionally, but I hope you will find the results enlightening

I was not quite sure how to go about this, but I have written about my identity as a student nurse (powerful) being reprimanded by that of being a wife and mother (vulnerable). I hope it makes sense.

You study so hard to reach your goal, to become the best nurse you can be

Yet, here am I right under your nose, what about time for me?

At work, you are calm and deal with the stress, ever so patiently,

Yet when you come home, you are tired and cross, and very impatient with me

You look after people who do silly things, that have caused a medical emergency

Yet when I tried things that made me quite ill, you were very angry with me.

I know your career is important to you, and you want to get your degree

But, don’t forget that you are not alone, you do have a family!

#SoCS Passive or Aggressive —

#SoCS Passive or Aggressive

This week Linda has given us, passive or aggressive for our Stream of Consciousness posts, which can be used any way we choose; we can use one, or both. Bonus points for starting the post with one or the other of them. 

Aggressive behaviour is not something that I use to deal with a situation. In fact, I am a very non-confrontational type of person on the whole. I wouldn’t say that I am completely passive as there are times when I will certainly stand up for something that I believe in.

The trick is to be able to confront someone in a way that is not aggressive, yet it is firm enough to show that you mean business! This is something that I don’t find that easy to do, as I end up being too soft or sounding whiny as opposed to firm!

However, when I am at work it is a different matter as I often come across aggressive behaviour, and have to deal with it for the safety of not just myself, but others too sometimes. I prefer to try to defuse the situation first by being calm. Going in roaring and shouting can often make it worse anyway.

Well, I seem to have rambled on a bit as usual, but then talking myself out of an aggressive situation is my preferred weapon of choice!

Man’s Best Friend, The Remote Control! — April 5, 2018

Man’s Best Friend, The Remote Control!

What is it with men and the TV remote control?  I am sure they think it is an extension of themselves, (another appendage or something) because trying to separate the two is nigh on bloody impossible!

When I was growing up, we only had four channels on the TV.  To turn it over, you had to get up off the settee, go over to the television and push the knob or button to turn it over.  Seeing as there was such little choice in TV programmes,  and no one could be bothered to keep getting up to turn over, it typically stayed mostly on one favourite channel.  My step-dad was the one who always chose that channel. As Mum was not that bothered. She liked to watch similar things to him, anyway.  We all watched what he wanted, and that was the end of it!

He couldn’t believe his luck as television became more sophisticated, and there was a remote control to play with (or ‘clicker’ as he liked to call it).  When cable TV came along, and there were extra channels to watch, it was a dream come true for a ‘Telly Addict’ like my step-dad.  He loved nearly all sports, had a fondness for a Spaghetti Western, became hooked on one or two soaps, and finally vociferously joined in with the quiz shows.  Oh God, he would berate the hapless contestants (Family Fortunes being his favourite) for their stupidity. He would SCREAM the answers out to the fools that couldn’t answer, repeating them louder and louder as if they could hear him, which used to drive me mad!  However, I always laughed when he said, “Goodnight” to the newscaster before he went to bed (my Nan used to do that as well)!!

The thing that was most annoying though was if, by chance one of us kids managed to get hold of the clicker and put Top Of The Pops or something on before he settled down for the evening.  We would be halfway through watching it,  only for him to come in, pick up the clicker and turn it over!  He did not care if we were in the middle of something, he would just flick it over.   We actually tried to hide the sodding clicker on occasion, but he would go ballistic turning everything upside down until someone found it.

I have discovered that my husband is also a remote control hogger!  (I think it has something to do with middle age, but I wouldn’t know, as I am not there yet).  I’ll be watching something, and when the adverts come on, he starts flicking about through the channels. I ask him to turn it back but by the time he does, my programme has already begun, and I have missed the first 2 minutes of it.  He also loves to mess about with the menus, so you end up watching a 2×2 inch square for 20 minutes or until he has figured out how to do whatever it is he wants to do!

I can see the similarities between my husband now, and how my step-dad was back then. The armchair (no one else is allowed to sit in it as it is in the best spot for seeing the TV), a handy table nearby on which to rest the obligatory cup of tea, and slippers waiting at the bottom of the chair.  The only difference is my stepdad’s ashtray on the table, and my husband ’s pouffe to put his feet up.  Other than that two peas in a pod, just 20 years apart!

Who has the remote in your house?

New Easter Outfits — April 4, 2018

New Easter Outfits

At Easter I don’t usually buy my daughter much chocolate, I usually end up buying her clothes, a new outfit or some pyjamas. Now that he is nearly 15  I tend to give her some money to get something as of course, being a mum I have no idea about fashion and God forbid that I should dare to give her anything handmade!

However, as you know, I love making little outfits for my great nieces and I thought Easter was the perfect time to make some more. As they are so young, they don’t complain that the styles may not be ‘designer’ or the latest trend. I have also found it very therapeutic and it a strange way it helps me to relax (despite all the swearing and tantrum throwing when I have to unpick something I have put together upside down or inside out)!

Having a bit of time on my hands before I start back at Uni, I have knocked up a few little bits for them for summer (assuming we get any).

Ooops, I did it again! — April 2, 2018

Ooops, I did it again!

I am the undisputed queen of ‘putting my foot in it’, literally as well as figuratively! I seem to attract calamities, disasters and ooops moments with hardly any effort, and can make a fool of myself without any help, or encouragement whatsoever!

Often it is because I have misheard something, particularly on the phone. Once  I have asked the person on the other end to repeat themselves a couple of times, to make sure I heard correctly, I then confidently pass on the message, only to be greeted with a baffled look or stunned silence. For example, I took a call for my boss (he could give Mr Grump a run for his money) when I had not long started at a travel brochure company, I put the call through and informed him it was Mr X from PMT. When he had reluctantly taken the call, he came out of his office and roared at me that the caller was from TNT (the courier service)! I had thought that PMT was a funny name for a company but being new, what was I to know)?! Ooops!

In my younger days, I remember going out with my two sisters to a pub, I had dressed to impress, and we went to the bar to order our drinks. It was quite packed, but luckily there was an unoccupied bar stool next to me so I thought I would make use of it. Being a little short, I had to hike myself up a bit to get on it. Once I had plonked myself down, I realised I was not on it properly as it tilted dangerously to one side. As I attempted to right myself, I just ended up twirling around and around on one stool leg at a time. My sisters and some random bloke put their arms out to try to steady me, which eventually they managed to do. However, my pulling power was significantly reduced (actually it was zero), and we got out of there pretty soon after!

Weddings are the place where people like me can really shine in the glow of embarrassment! My sister and brother-in-law had a beautiful January wedding in a country house where we all stayed. As luck would have it, the weather was pretty clear on this day, and we went outside to have some group photos taken. I was really pleased with my outfit, but especially the expensive purple four-inch stiletto shoes which really set it off! As we were gathering for the family photo, my lovely shoes seemed to turn into ice skates on the decking where we were standing. I was slipping and sliding, falling madly with my arms windmilling, trying to keep my balance as I hurtled my way towards the rest of the group. The gasps and guffaws of the onlookers intensified my mortification, but I did manage to stay upright!

At my niece’s wedding breakfast after the speeches, I was to read out a poem that I had specially written for her and her husband.(It is something I have done for years for any special family occasion), Even though I am no public speaker and get really nervous, I got up to recite my poem.  Everyone was giving me encouraging looks as I started reading with my voice shaking. As I continued, I realised that my fancy headband was slipping a bit. I tried to surreptitiously push it back up and carry on, but I jerked a little bit, and it fell off with an almighty clatter onto the table, thus drowning out my words! I waited for the laughter to die down and carried on, cringing!

These are just a few of the many little trials I face on an almost daily basis. Even at work, I am not immune. I have tripped over more Zimmer frames than I care to remember, cleaned up countless puddles, where I have knocked over washbowls or jugs of water and gouged out tracks in the polished floor where I hadn’t taken the brake off the weighing scales properly when wheeling them along the entire length of the corridor! Luckily my colleagues know what I am like after all this time, but I remember when I hadn’t been there that long. I was walking along the corridor back to the ward from the toilets when the ward sister behind me called me and informed me that I had got my dress tucked into my knickers thereby showing off my big bum to all and sundry…Ooops!!!

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