Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Category: humour

Episode 171: Ode To Nurses — February 19, 2015

Episode 171: Ode To Nurses

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This poem is for all the nurses, nursing assistants and carers. A typical day for us!

Your day starts very early

Before you are awake

There are patients who need washing

And lots of beds to make

The buzzers are all going

There really is no rest

Someone wants the toilet

“Sorry to be a pest!”

Some bloods need to be taken

Dressings to be changed

That patient’s going home soon

And no transport has been arranged!

“Someone’s had an accident

Go and change the bed”

Another one has had a fall

And now he’s banged his head

“Where’s the bloody doctor?”

The relatives want a word

Your smile becomes a grimace

As you’ve just skidded on a turd!

You quickly get it cleaned up

But it won’t come off your shoe

The time is going quickly

But there’s still so much to do!

You finally write your notes up

And hope you did ok

Then home to get some shut –eye

To face another day!

Episode 170: Politeness Pays…. —

Episode 170: Politeness Pays….

/Judy E Martin/4 Comments

I have written a couple of posts about manners, and how I hate it when people are rude, arrogant or just plain obnoxious. We are very quick to judge people on their behaviour, and here are some examples of how first impressions matter…

A man getting off the Tube politely let another male passenger go before him. The other man started pushing and shoving despite being told by the first man that he was not trying to block his way. Anyway, after a bit of argy-bargy, it was suggested that the first man might like to ‘go f**k himself.’

Later that evening, the first man was conducting some job interviews. Guess who turned up?! Unfortunately, he didn’t meet the requirements and was unsuccessful in getting the job. They did have a laugh about their earlier scuffle though apparently!

The  second story involves a little girl of five years old. She was in a shop with her granddad after school, looking at toys. They often visited this shop and the little girl would spell out the names of the toys she wanted. This was educational for the little girl and enjoyable for them both.

On one of their visits, as the little girl was spelling out one of the toys she wanted, a woman approached them and gave the granddad an envelope. She then disappeared after remarking how pleasant and polite the little girl was. In the envelope was a voucher for £10. The little girl was thrilled as she had enough money to buy one of the toys on her wishlist.

The idiot on the Tube might have wished that he had remembered his manners!

Public Service Announcement —

Public Service Announcement

/Judy E Martin/Leave a comment

This shows how important it is to get checked out.

coldhandboyack's avatarEntertaining Stories

I’m going to invite everyone to re-blog, tweet, and otherwise share this post today. We all wish our posts got that much love, but this one is important. If you are a man, love a man, or maybe both, this post is important.

I debated long and hard about sharing this at all. It involves personal information, and I like to keep a bit of privacy. I had to weigh the fact that my mother reads this blog, along with at least two co-workers, against the possibility of helping someone else. Someone else won.

Popular rumor holds that a man should have certain things checked medically once he turns 50. In typical male fashion, I waited until I was 53 and 8 months to schedule my colonoscopy. This is a degrading procedure that involves shoving a camera into places that aren’t visible by design. I thought it was degrading, but…

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Episode 169: Spring is On The Way….. — February 18, 2015

Episode 169: Spring is On The Way…..

/Judy E Martin/15 Comments

Now I don’t like to boast, but poor Donna from MyOBT was just complaining how cold it was over in New York, and I just had to mention what a beautiful, sunny day it is here in the good old UK. Knowing how obsessed us Brits are with the weather, it makes a very pleasant change to have something positive to say about it for once!

Last night I had to work a rare night shift; It was really busy, and as usual was stuffy and hot up on the ward despite the freezing temperatures outside. I was heartened however, to notice that the dawn was breaking early, and as it approached 8am when it was time to go home, the sun was shining.

I did not however, bargain on having to scrape ice off the windscreen and spend 20 minutes defrosting the car, before  I could get home to my bed. Not being used to nights my poor, shattered eyes were squinting against the dazzling sun driving home.

When I finally dropped into bed, I was awakened about less than three hours later by kids playing outside, (it’s half-term week), enjoying the unexpectedly lovely day. I dragged myself downstairs to see Mr Grump manically cleaning out the fish tank. Something has put him in a good mood then, must be the sunshine!

I decided to leave him to it and flopped out on the sofa for an hour, trying to get a bit more shut-eye. When I woke back up we decided to go out and get a couple more fish as the tank was looking a bit sparse. a bit of new life is what we needed. As we walked into the Garden Centre Mr Grump suddenly piped up with,

“Oooh it’s a little colder than I thought”. I told him that I was ok, in fact, I was quite warm. The difference between us was, that I hadn’t gone Commando!

Don’t you just love the spring?

Episode 168: Stressing To Impress! — February 17, 2015

Episode 168: Stressing To Impress!

/Judy E Martin/18 Comments

Next week, I have been invited (it is compulsory) to attend a ‘Team Building’ session at work for a whole day of activities. As you may know I work for the NHS, looking after elderly patients. All of the staff have been divided up into three teams headed by a Sister, with Staff Nurses, Associate Nurse (or Practitioner) and Healthcare Assistants.

My dilemma is this: we have been asked to wear clothes that reflect who were are. Hmmmm, this is a bit tricky as I don’t even know who I am yet despite my advancing years! I know that many people are defined by their jobs, but I suspect that is what we are trying to get away from!

I could turn up in my pyjamas. after all, I do seem to spend rather a lot of time in them! When I get home, I like nothing better than to have a nice bath, and get comfy in my PJs. However, I don’t think I have a pair that are suitable for public viewing; even my Betty Boop ones (of which I have many pairs) are a little scruffy now, and a bit short in the leg.

I am well-known for being clumsy, so what about a protective suit of armour? I could make a lovely grand entrance, clanking my way up the stairs and into the lecture theatre! I should imagine it would be a bit heavy, and perhaps movement may be a little restricted. The visor may even be considered a barrier to communicating to my team-mates. Not sure about this one; I may be shielded from accidents but would probably need to be treated for exhaustion, or rust!

My usual clothes are ones that do not set me apart from anyone else in any way really. I do tend to dress in black a lot, and I wear long tops and leggings mostly. It fits quite well with my personality in that I blend into the crowd, I don’t like drawing attention to myself much, and I am still just a little on the shy side.

However, I am trying to come out of myself more. I know all of my colleagues very well, and at work I am more confident, and assertive (I have to be). I was discussing with Mr Grump what he thought summed me up as a person, and he said it just as I was thinking it.

I love the 1950s and the fashions that were around at that time, during the summer months, especially on special occasions I wear one of my ‘Hell Bunny’ dresses as I love their designs. I actually own one similar to the photograph which I call my ‘Minnie Mouse’ dress.

I know it is the middle of winter. Yes, it is freezing cold. ‘ll probably have to wear tights and proper shoes as opposed to bare legs and my matching red and white spotty wedges, and of course I’ll need a cardigan or something. Never mind.

It definitely reflects who I am, a bit dotty, utterly inappropriate (I still always burst out laughing at the most inopportune times), and it has hidden depths!

I think it pretty much sums me up!

Episode 167: Fifty Shards of Glass! —

Episode 167: Fifty Shards of Glass!

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Picture the scene…it’s Valentine’s Day, you have gone (reluctantly) to the cinema with your wife to see ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and when you arrive, you see a woman in handcuffs. Kinky? No, she has just been arrested by the Police!

Only in Scotland could this bizarre event have occurred. Apparently, during an earlier showing of the film, a group of three women became rather rowdy. Alcohol was sold in this particular venue and they had slightly overindulged. This caused to them to not only vomit in the aisles but also to become a bit loud and unruly.

This annoyed one gentleman who went over to them and asked them to pipe down a bit, as presumably, it was spoiling his enjoyment of the film! Big mistake! These women were not going to be told what to do, and apparently there was a fracas where the man ended up getting ‘glassed’!

The stewards promptly called the Police who swiftly turned up to arrest the three disorderly women, leading one off to the Police van in handcuffs! (Not quite the idea she had in mind, I suspect)!

The man and his wife arriving for the next showing waited patiently for order to be restored; vomit to be cleaned up, and blood wiped off of the seats!

I bet E L James had not envisioned her novels to have inspired this kind of scenario! (Actually it was probably a damn sight more exciting than the movie anyway)!

Episode 166: Fairy Grandmother! — February 16, 2015

Episode 166: Fairy Grandmother!

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When I was younger, my parents were pretty strict about swearing (or rather us not swearing) as I wrote about here. It was pretty unheard of to hear bad language on the TV, and I never ever heard my parents use really bad language. Yes, my step-dad loved ‘bloody’ and ‘shit’,  and my mum was partial to ‘for Christ’s sake’ but there was never any ‘f’ word or similar. Ever.

Nowadays it is so much more commonplace. we hear it all the time, On TV, listening to music, even young kids on the street seem to bandy swear words about with abandon, as it is part of their everyday vocabulary.

Many of the older generation still do not like to hear people constantly swearing, and one grandmother of 73 landed up getting herself in trouble when she tried to make a stand.

It all started when her daughter’s boyfriend couldn’t control his language in front of the woman, her daughter and granddaughter. She had finally had enough when the 6ft 2 chef loomed over her swearing in her face. Quick as a flash, she pulled put a bottle of ‘Fairy’ washing up liquid from her bag (God knows why she was carrying it around, unless it was for just such an occasion) and squirted the liquid towards the 38 year old’s mouth.

Now, most of us as kids were threatened to have ‘our mouths washed out with soap’ if we were caught swearing by an older person, and being of that generation, she followed through on it, probably intending to teach him a lesson in manners.

Unfortunately, his poor feelings were hurt and he called the police accusing her of assault; sure enough they came out and charged her! She will be up before the magistrates court facing prosecution and a criminal record.

How times have changed. Forty years ago this woman would have been commended for her actions, and the foul-mouthed ranter, berated by the police for wasting their time, and for using abusive language!

Is the Crown  Prosecution Service getting a little over the top wanting to prosecute this woman, or do you think she ‘assaulted’ the man and deserves what she gets?

Episode 165: Forty-Nine and In My Prime! — February 15, 2015

Episode 165: Forty-Nine and In My Prime!

/Judy E Martin/22 Comments

Tomorrow is going to be my 49th Birthday. Now instead of getting all maudlin about the passing of my youth and being well and truly middle-aged now (I still hate to admit that), I am going to try to fill this post with positive thoughts, and advantages of being ‘in the prime of life’ (sounds a lot better than bloody ancient)!

  • I am an asset for a pop quiz team. I love the old 70s and 80s music (plus I did a short stint working behind the Record Counter at Woolworths in the late 80s) so I know my stuff quite well.
  • I can finally put my big tummy down to ‘middle-aged spread’, and not sheer greed and love of food!
  • I have lots of ‘life experience’. I can give (unwanted) advice on relationships, as I have had a few! At least I know what not to do now.
  • It doesn’t matter now that I am a bit ‘scatterbrained’ at times, as I am old enough to put it down to being eccentric!
  • I’m still just about ‘in my forties’ (I don’t have to stipulate which end of 40 that is)!
  • People associate being mature in years with being wise and learned. Who am I are to put them right!?
  • I no longer blush when talking to a good-looking young man; I am old enough to be their mother now!
  • I’m still young enough to like listening to Eminem, but now old enough to complain about his incessant swearing!
  • I don’t really have to worry anymore about having 2 left feet. If I go  somewhere which involves dancing, no-one is going to mock my dreadful moves. Everyone expects ‘older ladies’ to be rubbish dancers!
  • And finally, I still have a year to go before I am 50!
Episode 164: Hearts and Flowers, Tissues and Snot! —

Episode 164: Hearts and Flowers, Tissues and Snot!

/Judy E Martin/6 Comments

Well what a wonderful day Valentine’s Day turned out to be! Miss Hap started the day off on the right note by waking Mr Grump up at 6.30 (I was already up an hour before). For some reason, she had decided that it was the perfect time to have a very loud telephone conversation with her friend that she was meeting up with a little later.

I meanwhile, was up sneezing my head off! From out of nowhere a  nasty cold had appeared the night before, decided it liked the look of me, and would hang around for a while, settling in and making itself comfy. This left me with half-open watery eyes and a lively red nose, I decided that I might as well stay in my pyjamas to complete the look.

Miss Hap eventually met her friend (after taking ages choosing the right outfit, and making a racket about it) so Me and Mr Grump had some time to ourselves. He had chores to do though, and I was flat-out on the sofa for most of the morning,We did however exchange cards and he bought me my favourite yellow roses which was lovely.

Miss Hap was originally going to stay with her Nan for the night, but plans were changed so she was joining us for our ‘romantic steak dinner’. I decided to ‘slip into something more comfortable’ for the meal, so had a bath and put on fresh pyjamas! Well I thought that it was more in keeping with the Vaseline around my nose. I didn’t have any wine due to dosing myself up with painkillers.

There was a little streak left over so Mr Grump insisted we give it to Roxy the dog as she is a girl and needed to be treated on Valentine’s Day as well! Anyway, dinner over and Miss Hap heads off upstairs out of germ’s way. I conk out on the sofa at 7pm for a couple of hours wake up for half an hour and then go to bed! Mr Grump, defeated, had started on the beer!

This is what real love is like! It’s not always hearts and flowers, it’s just being together, and making the most of it!

The Tuneful Anvil —

The Tuneful Anvil

/Judy E Martin/3 Comments

I love this, Check out the 2 Cellos though, absolutely brilliant. Thanks so much to Donna for posting this.

Donna from One Beautiful Thing's avatarMy OBT

steveThis week’s Music Wednesday (formerly known as Wordless Wednesday) features some remarkable musicians performing live with some unusual musical instruments, including spoons and a very tuneful anvil.

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