2015-03-28T16:28:29+00:00

Episode 259: Multi-Tasking or Mayhem?

March 28, 2015/Judy E Martin/25 Comments

Apparently us women are supposed to be pretty good at multitasking; I think I am to a point, especially when I’m on the phone. Sometimes I can be talking to my sister on the phone for an hour or more, so being able to get on with some other jobs at the same time can come in handy!

I am pretty good at ironing with the phone balanced between right ear and shoulder, as well as carrying on a conversation, likewise dusting and polishing.However, I cannot talk and type, or read at the same time. No, that is definitely too much for my poor little brain to manage at once and the concentration goes completely, so that I am either typing rubbish or talking rubbish (well, more so than usual, anyway)!

I can knit and watch TV at the same time though. Yes, I bet you are impressed with that one. What I need to mention here is that only applies if I am following an easy pattern. If I am counting stitches or something that requires a smidgen of thought, then I usually miss a huge chunk of what happened in the film or programme and drive everyone mad by asking what is going on. Other than that if a juicy bit comes on the TV then I need to watch, then stitches can get dropped, or I have to unpick rows that I have buggered up!

I can’t do anything else whilst driving, except listen to music, and that has only been a recent thing. I suppose it is due to the fact that I am not keen on driving and feel I need to concentrate. When I used to smoke I rarely had a cigarette whilst driving. I remember once when I did, and the top of the cigarette fell off onto my lap (it was still lit), I was panicking like mad trying to bat at it to put it out, whilst concentrate on the road. I didn’t do that again!

At work of course is a different matter entirely, I am a very good multi-tasker as we all have to be. We are constantly running from one job to the next, and on the way to that job, get grabbed to do another one or two. That with answering the buzzers, and talking to relatives, or other medical staff as you go about your chores, is just part and parcel of the job.

Are you a good multi-tasker, and do you think women are better at it than men?

Episode 256. Bursting Out All Over!

March 27, 2015/Judy E Martin/33 Comments

Although I absolutely hate the colour of my work uniform, (it is the same grotty grey that you get when you put black and white items together on a hot wash) I am at least grateful that I don’t have to worry what I have to wear each day.

I have worked in offices in the past and it was always a challenge to come up with a different outfit every day, that was suitable for the office, and for the weather. I always like to try to look smart even if I never manage classy or elegant that I wish I was!

Anyway, myself and Mr Grump decided to nip into town today to have a mooch about, plus there were a couple of things we wanted to get. I told him that I was ‘just going to look in the window’ of the hairdressers I usually frequent to see if they were busy.

As luck would have it they weren’t. That is pretty rare so I asked the if they could fit me in for a quick trim as my fringe had grown right out and my hair was looking a bit tatty! There were two stylists working, one young dark-haired woman and an older woman with blonde hair, she was the one that ushered me off to do my hair.

As she was snipping away and chatting, I kind of turned to the side to reply, and almost got a faceful of boob! She was not a small woman, but I think the top she was wearing might have shrunk or something, as I was confronted by what looked like two shelled hard-boiled eggs (only about 5 times the size) spilling out of two giant egg-cups, thinly covered by a scrap of black lycra masquerading as a t-shirt!

Mr Grump then bowled in and started moaning because I was mid haircut and he thought I would be ages. The shop phone went off and another girl appeared from upstairs, also in a low-cut number, boobs jiggling about as she descended each stair. Mr Grump’s eyes were popping out of his head! He had already clocked the woman doing my hair, and now he was treated to this other spectacle as well.

He decided to hang around for a bit longer, but i was almost done anyway. As we came out of the shop, he said with what he hoped conveyed disapproval,

“Every time you go in there those girls have got their t**s out!” So that’s why he always comes in looking for me when he knows exactly where I have gone!

Hmmmm, isn’t it about time that hairdressers wore a uniform?!

Episode 253: More Than I Bargained For….

March 26, 2015/Judy E Martin/41 Comments

Yesterday afternoon I had to go to an appointment for my ‘yearly diabetes review.’ Seeing as I have only been officially diagnosed for about a month, I thought that the surgery were very ‘on the ball!’ I had already had to change the appointment from today as I was originally working, so that it was on my day off.

Anyway, I had fallen asleep in the afternoon as I had a couple of really awful sleepless nights, plus an early morning yesterday, so was shattered. I woke up feeling really groggy, with less than an hour to go before I had to be there. Mr Grump was going to come with me as he usually finished work way before the time I needed to be there.

He didn’t. I waited and waited, I still hadn’t heard from him (I was on the landline with my sister for about 10 mins) so I jumped in the car and got there 5 mins late! I HATE being late, and am usually 10 minutes (at least) early for everything, so it put me out and I was cross!

I tried to book myself in on the screen, but the ‘computer said no’ I was too late and had a sad face to emphasise the point! I had more than a sad face, I was wild! Anyway I spoke to the receptionist who was actually quite nice (Doctor’s receptionists have rather a scary reputation) and said it was ok and that she would tell the nurse I was there. (I whispered as discreetly as I could (when there is a waiting room full of people it is not always easy) if she could give me a pot as I had forgotten to bring a urine sample with me.

She made a nice performance out of rummaging for a bag (it was see-through) for me to put it in, then said that I might get called in straight away, and there might not be time to go to the loo. I thanked her and went to sit down, I saw my friend’s partner so chatted with him for a bit, as I had not been called in The receptionist sidled up to me, and stage whispered that I could go and do my sample as the specialist nurse was making a quick cuppa!

I excused myself from the friend and went off to do my business. My mobile buzzed into life, as I went to sit down but I ignored it (I hate talking on the phone in public places). It was Mr Grump! I sent him a couple of choice texts then my name flashed up to be seen.

I went into the room, apologising for being late, and muttering about husbands! She told me to calm down a minute before she took my blood pressure! Anyway, she stared at me a bit then asked me whether I went to the Grammar School. I said yes, and it turns out she was in thee same class. I didn’t remember her name, but her face was familiar.

That made me feel even worse. Here I was , no make-up on, scraggy hair, stupid from sleep still, and in a bad mood to boot! Things did not improve when she told me to put my sample down, take off my boots and socks and get on the scales!

Oh the bloody humiliation, I have got horrid feet, and she was going to have to get close to them to check them, as well as see how heavy I am! She, of course was slim, pretty and nicely groomed. Great!

She was however professional (well once we had gossiped a bit about this and that) and spent a lot of time looking at my previous bloods and God knows what else. She ended up putting me on meds for my diabetes which I really wasn’t expecting as I have been trying really hard with my diet, as well as taken up hula-hooping thanks to lovely Ritu

She also was concerned about a couple of things which prompted her to ask me whether or not there was rheumatoid arthritis in my family. Strange question I thought, but my Mum has terrible arthritis but I am not sure which type. She also wanted to know if my joints ached. Well, I do have problems with my knees a lot. Anyway I am now going to have to be screened for that!

I came out of there a bit bemused, and shocked. I know people complain bitterly about the NHS, but they have been very thorough with me. I certainly got much more than I bargained for, in more ways than one!

Episode 251: Hacked Off!

March 25, 2015/Judy E Martin/17 Comments

Isn’t it great how schools now have got with the times, make the most of the latest technology and have Twitter accounts etc. I am constantly checking on my daughter’s progress via the school website. I can read all her school reports (they can’t get ‘lost’ like mine did at times), I can see whether or not she is late for any of her lessons (she has been several times, as she never feels the need to hurry grrrrrrrrrr) and can look at how many positive events she has (lots actually which I am very proud about).

Anyway,I remember that just before she started the school, their website got hacked and some rather dodgy ‘glamour’ models appeared on it instead, advertising certain services that the school would not encourage in their young ladies!

Well, it got sorted, but now a similar hoo-ha has broken out over another school’s Twitter account. Someone has decided that their headmaster would look pretty good in a fetching pair of tight underpants, with a few macho tattoos to show off, so they superimposed his head onto a fit, muscular male body and wrote a caption congratulating the head on his new contract with an Adult Entertainment site!

This has not gone down well (if you, ahem pardon the pun) with the school or some of the parents! Apparently they have shut it down whilst enquiries are being made to try to discover the culprit(s).

It has been suggested though that the school’s IT department be praised if indeed a pupil is found to have been the perpetrator, due to their superior hacking skills!

Episode 250: ‘Mum, You Are SO Embarrassing!’

March 25, 2015/Judy E Martin/21 Comments

Miss Hap is off on her school trip to France today which she is very excited about. We were informed about the trip almost as soon as she started at the school in September as no doubt, it takes a fair bit of planning sorting out the logistics of it all.

Well the day has arrived, and 76 excited 11-year-old girls are currently haring around Boulogne, practicing their French-speaking and no doubt driving their teachers mad!

I had my orders as to what sort of packed lunch she wanted to take, and I felt it only fair in return to give Miss Hap my order for some brie, for when she visits a supermarket this afternoon! Now in order to facilitate this, she had to be slipped a couple of illicit euros on top of the 20 maximum that they were allowed to take!

Hopefully, I have not got her into trouble for the sake of buying me some cheese that I am only allowed a slither of per day. Well technically it’s my mum’s fault anyway for giving her the extra money and asking her to bring home some croissants (poor girl, there’s nothing like exploiting an opportunity).

Seeing as we had to be at the school so early this morning, we all got up at 5.15 to give us plenty of time. My daughter as expected, took ages deciding which outfit would be suitable for impressing the French folk, not to mention be ‘cool’ enough for her friends’ approval. That sorted, she emptied the backpack she takes for school, save for the French book, and filled it up with ‘lunch!’ (Well it is going to be a long day for them)!

Just as we were pulling into the school car park, she told me to turn the radio down as someone might hear it (as far as I am concerned, there is nothing wrong with a bit of Erasure, and she was brought up on it)! I obliged not wanted to show her up, and we swung into the school in my lovely bright car, which was rather out-of-place with the Jeeps, 4x4s and other cars in muted colours.

I got out of the car to let Miss Hap out gave her a kiss and hug then went to sign her in with her teacher. I could see a few girls there already, but my daughter told me to go and strutted off to join her friends before they noticed her embarrassing mum and step-dad, in their embarrassing car, with the embarrassing music.

As we left, she didn’t turn and wave, as they were all engrossed in deep and excited conversation. Fair enough, but I really wished I had one of those really loud air horns that make that DA NA NA NA NA NANA NA NA NA NA NA noise!

Photo Credit SWNS

Episode 246: ‘You Dirty Rat!’

March 24, 2015/Judy E Martin/7 Comments

One young man was feeling a bit fed-up on Valentine’s Day as he didn’t have a date. He decided to treat himself to dinner and headed for a local restaurant. However, this tightwad decided that he wasn’t going to pay for his meal, and tried out his master plan on the unsuspecting owner.

As he was nearing the end of his meal, the skinflint jumped up from his table shouting that he had seen a rat. This news pretty quickly cleared out the other diners as well (except for one cool dude who didn’t seem at all perturbed, either that or he was very hungry and was not leaving his food) and the owner went over to see what was going on.

The cheap skate explained what he had seen, and asked the owner for a full refund due to the rat-infested conditions, which the owner duly paid him. However, when pest control were called out to sort out the problem (pretty swiftly) they soon caught on to what had happened…

There was indeed a rat in the restaurant, but it was a domesticated one! The reason they could tell this apparently was that the rat had recently had a haircut! (Who gives rats a haircut, am I missing something here)?

Checking back over the CCTV footage seemed to confirm the moment when the pathetic penny-pincher reached into his pocket to release the rat. He has since got himself a criminal record for the sake of a £7.25 meal! He also had to pay £60 victim surcharge to the furious restaurant owner, who apparently though the sentence far too lenient and that the ‘death penalty’ was more in order!

Episode 244: It Takes All Sorts…..

March 23, 2015/Judy E Martin/18 Comments

Isn’t it funny how we all have our little ‘ways’. or foibles that are part of our make-up but other people might find a little odd or unusual….

One of my old ladies had got quite long hair, but it is really thin, She has these 3 hair combs which she likes to put her hair up with every morning, The problem is, I am rubbish with hair! Not only that, trying to get these combs to stay in is a nightmare as they just slide out. You have to be really careful as well as you can’t try to dig them in as there is only really scalp with a small smattering of hair, so it is going to hurt. She is no longer able to do it herself either, and is understandably fussy about how it is done!

Miss Hap loves the bright lights, literally! She cannot go into a room day or night without turning on the light. We can tell where she had been due to the house looking like ‘Blackpool Illuminations!’ It does drive us mad at times, especially when it is broad daylight outside.

Now my mum wears ‘pop socks.’ For those that are unfamiliar with them, they are knee-high tights with a big band around the top to keep them up (which has a kind of tourniquet effect). Not the most attractive of hosiery but much favoured by the older lady due to their comfort and ease of getting on and off. The problem is, they do not flatter. Anyone. Especially if the outfit they are wearing is above the knee. The expanse of pudgy, flesh between pop sock and bottom of hem resembles uncooked dough.She loves them though and that is that!

Mr Grump has a bit of an odd habit (in my opinion anyway). He has a set time to ‘go to the toilet’ (poo) every morning, I mean, it is like clockwork. Well it would be except for one thing. it takes him half an hour to go! It is just so weird to me that he gets up, goes out with the dog for a walk then goes! It’s not as if the walk kick-starts things into action, so to speak, as it takes half a bloody hour! Is this a man thing?

So what about me? Well I couldn’t really think of anything (or more honestly, I had trouble choosing just one thing) so I chose the fact that I like to eat my meat last when having a meal. I also do not like any gravy or sauce on my meat (It is fine on potatoes or veg). I do try to remember when going out to eat, not to do that, but I find I don’t enjoy my food as much. Strange I know.

Do you have any funny little ways or habits?

Episode 241: Banned For Dangerous Driving….A Mobility Scooter!

March 22, 2015/Judy E Martin/23 Comments

There are not many of us that actually enjoy doing the dreaded supermarket shop. Having said that, how would you feel if you were banned from an entire supermarket chain and threatened with the police if you should dare to enter?

This is what has happened to one 80 year-old pensioner. He had only popped out for a packet of cigarettes at his nearest Sainsbury’s on his mobility scooter when disaster struck! He ended up bashing into a female customer after paying for his purchase and knocking her down. The paramedics were called and the unlucky lady was taken to hospital.

The poor old pensioner was pretty upset by the whole incident, but things became worse about a week later when he received a letter from Sainsbury’s . He was told that die to the ‘incident’ he would be banned from every single Sainsbury’s store in the country (about 1700 of them). He was threatened that if he did enter a store, then he would be guilty of trespass and the police would be called.

This gentleman had already apologised profusely for the accident, and the lady was not actually injured in the event; It has now knocked his confidence as well. Whereas in his younger days he had been a truck driver, plus he had never had an accident before on his scooter, he now feels like some kind of criminal!

His daughter is also angry at the decision to ban her father from the stores,, and thinks the whole thing is a ridiculous overreaction. She also wonders how they are actually going to enforce the ban. Do they have ANPR (Automatic Number Plate Recognition) cameras for mobility scooters I wonder?!

Episode 238: Self(ie) Confidence!

March 21, 2015/Judy E Martin/20 Comments

Selfies seem to be so popular at the moment, especially with the young, Now I am not very photogenic so am not that keen on having my picture taken at the best of times. My daughter, however is just the opposite!

She loves to take selfies whenever we go anywhere, and very often tries to get me in on it as well. When one of my best friends got married last year Miss Hap took a load of selfies at our table. I ended up being in several of the shots, either stuffing myself with food and looking like Bessie Bunter, or having some sort of gormless expression on my face. (I know that might be normal for me but I don’t want her bandying the photos around her friends for their mocking pleasure)!

Now I don’t mind it when she uses one of the funny apps on the phone to scrunch up the face and twist it around a bit so that you end up resembling some evil pixie type of creature. as that is really quite amusing. What I do hate though is the ‘Fatify’ app or whatever it is called!

You might have noticed that I am not the slimmest of people, but by the time this app has finished with me, I have gained yet another three chins! Likewise the ‘oldify’ app. That is hideous as well. Having said that they are all in good fun and thank goodness she sees them as that way too.

In my day, ‘the camera never lied’ but of course now that is far from the truth. We have all heard of these ‘celebrities’ that have photoshopped their already slender bodies in order to shave off a few inches here and there, plus erase some ‘unsightly’ wrinkle, or mark. The end result is a far from realistic image of a supposedly ‘perfect’ person.

Luckily for me, Mr Grump likes a woman with ‘a bit of meat on her bones.’ I am aware that I may have a little too much to be healthy and for that reason need to lose some weight. I do not make a big thing out of it though as I don’t want to make weight an issue which might start influencing my daughter.

My daughter is extremely active and spends loads of time running around, The fact that she is only 11 years old as well, I do not think she should be overly worried at this point about her weight, and thank goodness she doesn’t seem to be. I do try to encourage her to be a little healthier though.

I love this ‘selfie’ of myself and my daughter, it is my favourite picture. She has done something to it with an app, but it only alters the colour, it doesn’t add or take anything away. I hope she continues to be body confident, and enjoys her youth!

Episode 236: Snotty Sneezes, Sets off Smacker!

March 21, 2015/Judy E Martin/10 Comments

We all get the sniffles sometimes. Occasionally a sneeze comes out of nowhere and can be quite startling to those around who were not expecting a snotty explosion, and the accompanying ATTTTTISHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO! Just this morning, as i was sound asleep, both me and the dog were awoken by Mr Grump letting rip an almighty sneeze!

For most of us, it is a minor annoyance when someone dares to disturb our peace by letting out an unfettered sneeze, however, one middle-aged man in the north of england, has taken offence by these sniffy snufflers and has taken to whacking them around the head!

Maybe he has some sort of germ phobia, or perhaps he is sensitive to sudden outbursts of noise, but either way, he is taking things a little bit far here. He is not shy in letting his disapproval be known either. He clouted the first middle-aged victim in the middle of Carlisle city centre when she inadvertently sneezed in the middle of shopping. He then disappeared before she had realised what had hit her (literally in this case)!

The other poor victim was an elderly lady who got smacked around the head when she too let out an unexpected sneeze. She was pretty upset and shaken, and again, the weird whacker had disappeared before anyone could do anything.

Th police are now calling for witnesses and are desperately trying to catch this nasty nutter before he does it again. After all, spring is just around the corner, and not only are people still likely to be suffering from the usual colds, but hay fever could well be added to the nix, thereby doubling the list of potential victims!

Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Category: Life

Episode 259: Multi-Tasking or Mayhem?

Episode 256. Bursting Out All Over!

Episode 253: More Than I Bargained For….

Episode 251: Hacked Off!

Episode 250: ‘Mum, You Are SO Embarrassing!’

Episode 246: ‘You Dirty Rat!’

Episode 244: It Takes All Sorts…..

Episode 241: Banned For Dangerous Driving….A Mobility Scooter!

Episode 238: Self(ie) Confidence!

Episode 236: Snotty Sneezes, Sets off Smacker!

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