Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 191: Cheesed Off! — March 2, 2015

Episode 191: Cheesed Off!

Now as some of you may know, I rather like my food. and one of my absolute favourite foods is cheese. Now I was pretty upset last week when I was told that I can only have 3 portions of dairy daily, and that I should only ever have a matchbox sized piece of cheese as a portion! Now that to me, is a bite, not a portion , but I am trying to heed the advice as I know that it is for my benefit.

Anyway, in our family of cheese lovers,(apart from Mr Grump who hates it), it is very often customary for us to break out the cheeseboard after a meal, or it comes out if we are having a buffet or something. Either way, it is a prominent feature.

Now most of us like to have something to go with our cheese, and crackers are usually the perfect accompaniment (along with a glass of wine for some). You can buy those boxes of different crackers that are perfect for the occasion.

Even on the ward where I work, we have the option of cheese and biscuits for our patients as many of them enjoy this as a snack, or again, after their meal.

You might wonder where all this is going. Well, a woman and her step-mother went for a meal in a hotel, and the step-mum fancied some cheese and biscuits. Nothing unusual here, in fact quite a reasonable request.

Someone, unfortunately took her request literally! What turned up was a bowl (yes a bowl) of different types of cheeses (so far so good I suppose), mixed in with an assortment of biscuits! Not crackers that you would normally associate with cheese, but (by the looks of it) a random selection from a box of  ‘Family Circle’ biscuits!

Now I am not sure whether I would like to try the Custard Cream and cheddar combo, or perhaps the Jammie Dodger and red Leicester, or for a special treat the Bourbon and brie! Every one’s a winner in my book!

Episode 189: Smooth(ie) Operator! — March 1, 2015

Episode 189: Smooth(ie) Operator!

Miss Hap has discovered a new drink which she loves, Oreo Smoothie! Now forgive me if I am wrong, but aren’t smoothies supposed to be healthy? You know, made with fruit and veg and skimmed milk….that kind of thing, not ice cream and Oreos (I can’t bear them myself)!

Anyway, she has been nagging me for ages to buy the ingredients in order to make this delightful drink. I have so far not obliged her,  as her once a week indulgence is plenty enough for such a sugar-fest. I did however, promise to make her a ‘normal’ smoothie.

I have actually got a smoothie maker that I have had for ages, but now never really gets used. I dragged in out of the corner it was hiding in, gave it a bit of a clean up and gathered some ingredients together.

Now I have to mention that I was not really in a very good mood. We were going to have our usual Sunday roast, but whilst Mr Grump was cooking the meat, it gave off rather an unpleasant smell. Once cooked. although it looked gorgeous, none of us fancied it anymore due to the weird smell, so that put paid to that! Hence the reason why I was crabby. (I had a healthy dinner instead)!

Anyway, I poured the milk into the smoothie maker, and asked Miss Hap to get the ice out of the freezer whilst I got the bananas. She had decided that she didn’t want anything else with it as she ‘doesn’t really like that much fruit’ (a fact I know all too well)!

When I turned back to the smoothie maker I saw that all of the milk had ended up on the worktop. There must have been a bit missing from the machine which I hadn’t noticed, despite the fact that it was an essential component!

I got more milk and we used the food processor to mix everything up in, I poured out some of the drink and gave it to my daughter. She took the smallest of sips and her face said it all. I went to give some to Mr Grump and when I came back all of Miss Hap’s drink had suspiciously gone. She said that she had enjoyed it and sloped off upstairs.

I, meanwhile, was left with one hell of a mess to clean up. As I went to start the washing up, I noticed that the washing up bowl was filled with what looked uncannily like banana smoothie! Great! She had thrown it away as I thought. I chucked out the bloody useless smoothie maker as well. Oh well, at least my kitchen is slightly less cluttered now!

Episode 188: My Friends, The Google Family! —

Episode 188: My Friends, The Google Family!

Today i have decided to pay homage to the great all-knowing, all sing and dancing ‘Google!’ Where would we be without it? How many times do you hear someone say “just Google it” when you have made yourself look a prat by not knowing something obvious? Yes, Google is the font of all knowledge, loved by all, but adored by dunces like me! Here follows my top reasons for using it:

‘Doctor Google’

We’ve all done it. Felt ill and looked up our symptoms on Google, only to scare ourselves half to death, convinced we are going to die imminently. It is worse if you look at images as well. After being told I had Impetigo, I was doubtful but looked it up when I got home from the doctors. Some of the images I saw were really horrendous, and not ideal tea-time viewing! Thank God I have already started taking my tablets before my scabs get to that stage!

‘Masterchef Google’

I do actually have a few different types of cookery books, but for some reason can never find what i am looking for. Miss Hap is very fond of giving me extremely short notice that she needs to bring in cakes or biscuits or something for school. Masterchef Google has come in very handy here. I have some wonderful recipes for cupcakes, ginger biscuits, and even a rhubarb and ginger grumble (that was for me actually when we had a load of rhubarb growing in the garden and I needed to use it).

‘Professor Google’

Ah this is one of the most useful of the google family! I use for the times Miss Hap has some particularly difficult homework that I have no idea how to do, but don’t want her to know how stupid I am. I can ask her to leave it with me for a bit, then use prof google to find ways to help me understand what she has to do in order that I can explain it to her!

It is invaluable for help with maths, geography, history and art; actually it has helped both myself and my daughter in researching most of the subjects she takes at school. (These kids don’t know how lucky there are, we had to plow out way through massive reference books or encyclopaedias)!

‘Detective Google’

This is a handy one for those that like to check people out (if you are feeling particularly brave, you can type your own name in and find out all about yourself)! If you are a nosey type of person, cautious, or inquisitive you can try to get a bit of a lowdown on people to see if they are hiding any dodgy photos or crazy family members. Unfortunately, unless they have done a particularly horrendous crime and been splashed all over the news, the chances are you won’t find out any decent gossip about them!

As you see my google friends are pretty handy, I know I might have missed some of the important ones out. Which ones do you use?

Episode 187: Shedding Some Light on the Subject! — February 28, 2015

Episode 187: Shedding Some Light on the Subject!

I know this is a bit controversial but hate those bloody energy lightbulbs! Yes, I know,shocking isn’t it?! (Well they might be if they produced any sort of power).  I am aware about carbon footprints and all that sort of thing, but I do still like the good old-fashioned 60 watt bulb.

I have lived in my house for 11 years now; It was a brand new property which had special fittings in the upstairs landing and hall downstairs for the energy lightbulb. That was all very lovely except for a couple of years later when I had to get a replacement, none of the shops sold them!II had to send off for them and they were pretty expensive at £10 apiece! Compare that to the £1 or so cost for a normal light bulb and you can see one reason I hatred them.

Having a brother who is good with electrics helped as he took out those fittings and put the general ones in, so I could use either standard light bulbs or energy bulbs as the mood took me.

Surprisingly, I do quite often use the energy ones in the hall as have got a little better over the years. It no longer takes about 5 seconds for the light to realise that it has been switched on, and kick into action, It is almost instantaneous nowadays.

A couple of nights ago Miss Hap informed us that we had a power cut, well, kind of anyway. She had turned the light on in the bathroom upstairs (it has a normal light bulb) and it blew causing the lights to all go off. Mr Grump had to climb up to the fuse box and flick the switch back on to restore light.

Anyway Mr Grump fitted a new bulb and all was sweetness (and light) in our household. Well, until I went to have my bath the next morning, I turned on the light to be greeted by this eerie kind of greenish glow. It was pretty horrid and I literally had a quick dip before getting out of there.

Miss Hap also moaned about the light when she went to the bathroom, It was a really ugly low energy lightbulb, with the emphasis on ‘low energy’. We nagged at Mr Grump to change it as it was giving us a headache.

When I came home from work later on, I saw that indeed the bulb was changed, Great, he managed to do one of the chores I had left him before I went to work. During the evening I needed to nip to the loo so I went to the downstairs one,

The eerie greenish glow appeared casting its gloom in the room. It seemed to make everything appear grubby. I was not impressed with this at all. It’s bad enough that it had the audacity to be called a ‘light’ bulb, but to have this almost CSI quality of showing up every speck making everything appear grimy was annoying.

Mr Grump managed to persuade my niece’s fiance to take him shopping today as the weather was appalling and we needed some bits. I decided to leave them to it and didn’t go with them. Big mistake, Not only did they forget to buy some normal light bulbs but they decided to stop off at the pub on the way home for a ‘quick pint’!

It seems that he was running a bit low on energy and needed a bit of perking up himself!

Episode 186: Counting Sheep! —

Episode 186: Counting Sheep!

ADVISORY

**********I have made a joke at the end of the post which some people may find offensive, particularly if you are vegetarian or Welsh!!! No offence intended!********

If you live on a posh housing estate, you don’t expect to be bothered at 3am by a rowdy group making a racket and causing a disturbance. You might be cross about being woken up and shout at them out of the window, or you might even call the police. The residents of one such estate in the north of England, are at their wit’s end as none of these solutions have any impact. The reason for this is…….the culprits are four-legged, and fluffy sheep!

Apparently these sheep are breaking free of their fields, and making their way to this housing estate, leaving a trail of droppings in their wake. Some of the local residents have complained that it is not very pleasant taking their babies out in their buggies, and having to dodge treading in it, or trundling it around on the wheels!

Another problem is that the sheep are rather partial to a tasty plant or two, They like to snack on people’s prize petunias and such like, and clear off without clearing up! This is very bad form and the neighbours have had enough of it.

Nobody seems to know who these bothersome bovines belong to,so the police have very helpfully dished out tines of paint! Yes the residents are expected to try to catch one of these troublesome tearways, and splodge a bit of paint on it in order for them to be identified!

I had to laugh at this story. I know that if we ever had the same problem where I live with wandering sheep, Mr Grump being both Welsh and a chef would be in his element. The problem is, he wouldn’t know whether to shag it or cook it!

Episode 184: Contaminated Cankle! — February 27, 2015

Episode 184: Contaminated Cankle!

What a day! I was tired to start with, having been awake half the night itching and scratching, trying to soothe my sores with a cold compress; early nodding off, then manically raking my skin again, repeating the whole process.

When I finally did get up this morning I had a lovely ‘cankle’, as my ankle was so swollen it was difficult to distinguish it from leg! It was also scabby, red and hot to the touch, (oh and not to mention painful as hell).

I hobbled  down the road to meet up with one of the kind nurses on shift with me today who gave me a lift in to work. Once I got there I moaned to anyone who would listen how sore my ankle was, and I pulled up my trouser leg to show them (much to their delight I am sure)!

I put a dressing on it. but we were pretty busy at work being extremely short-staffed, so I tried to put it out of my mind, although of course it still hurt. I did show it to one of our ward doctors and she advised me to see my GP or go to A & E in the hospital. I phoned my GP and managed to get an appointment after work. Mr Grump borrowed the neighbour’s car to take me down there as I didn’t fancy hobbling all the way there and back after being on it all day as it was.

The doctor looked at my ankle and other sores and told me it was impetigo! Well I wasn’t expecting that, especially as it is highly contagious! Great! Yet more antibiotics, my third lot this year so far! Some of my colleagues at work were thrilled as well when I phoned up to let them know; especially as I had been waving my poor contaminated ankle around all day. I don’t think I am going to be very popular!

Episode 179: Say What You Mean Why Don’t You! — February 24, 2015

Episode 179: Say What You Mean Why Don’t You!

As I may have mentioned before, my daughter has Asperger’s and many times comes out and says exactly what she thinks about things.This is regardless as to who they are, or indeed where we are. I seem to spend a lot of time trying to explain to her why it is not polite/tactful to be so blunt, but sometimes, just sometimes I think we would all just love to say what we really think….

You have been invited to a friend’s/family member’s house for a coffee; just as you are about to leave, you get a phone call asking if you could ‘just pick up a pint of milk, packet of cigs’ and a few other bits and pieces. You don’t actually have that much money on you and you know it is going to be tricky asking for your money back when you deliver the goods. What you want to say is,

“No I bloody can’t! Why the hell did you invite me over for coffee when you haven’t even got any milk. Why can’t you do your own shopping?”

What you actually say is,

“Oh yes, of course I will . Do you need anything else?”

You are walking along the street when someone coming the other way barges into you and knocks you out of their way.

What you want to say is,

“Watch where you are going you Arsehole!”

What you actually say is,

“Sorry!” Yes really. Or at least I do!

You are in the supermarket, strapped for time trying to get grocery shopping done, only to come to an abrupt halt as two shoppers are having a chat, blocking the aisles with their trolleys. They see you trying to get by, glare at you before finally huffing and puffing, and moving a fraction so you can just about get through.

What you want to say is,

“So sorry to interrupt your important meeting just so that I can actually do my shopping as this is a supermarket not a village hall!”

“What you actually say is,

“Thanks so much, whilst looking apologetic for having disturbed them!

This one probably only applies to me as I am a ‘Philistine’ who likes their steak well-done. On going out for a birthday meal with my mum and some other family members, i and some others requested a steak. I explained how I liked it cooked and when the waitress plonked it down forcefully, and dare I say resentful in front of me she asked me if ‘it was well done enough for me or should she take it back and get the chef to cremate it a bit more’

What I wanted to say was,

“How dare you try to belittle and humiliate me in front of everyone you rude excuse for a person. You can sod off if you think I am leaving you a tip, other than get some bloody manners!”

What I actually said was,

“Thank you, that will do fine!”

Ahhh yes, wouldn’t it be good to say what we really think sometimes.  Anything you would like to say?

Episode 177: Geared up to Fail! — February 23, 2015

Episode 177: Geared up to Fail!

As days off go, today has not been a great success so far. To start with Miss Hap is back at school after a week off for half term. This involved her stomping about quite a lot this morning gathering her bits and pieces needed for the day (I am still working on organising her) whilst all the while berating the fact that she has to go to school at all.

Anyway, Mr Grump has got a load of time off still due to his annual leave-build up, so he is home getting under my feet. As I had an appointment today with other newly diagnosed Type 2 diabetics in order to educate us on how to manage our condition, I thought that Mr Grump could make himself useful and drive me in.

As some of you know, my car has been off the road for ages, and has recently had a new catalytic converter fitted, and a bit of welding done so that it is now legally roadworthy again. As we drove up the motorway Mr Grump went into the middle lane to overtake a slow lorry and changed into 5th gear as he did so, Unfortunately, it wouldn’t get in gear (he mentioned before that he has trouble getting it in 5th, I never have this problem) and we were kind of in limbo as she frantically pummelled the gearstick to get it to engage, whilst cursing and moaning.

I took exception to this rough treatment of my car, and It was a pretty hairy experience so I went quiet and surly until we arrived at the hospital. I did manage to bark out a few things I needed from the Supermarket as he was going grocery shopping.

There were about 8 of us at this meeting, and I was one of the youngest. I already knew quite a lot about diabetes anyway so I thought that 4 hours was going to be a bit of a stint, Having said that, it was very interesting knowing what a proper food portion size should equate to. Mine have obviously been a little on the over-generous side, as is the size of my dinner plate!

Anyway, luckily it lasted on three hours (Thank God as I was starving playing with all the pretend food the Dietician got out of her bag). We were told to bring a sandwich which I did but had no time to eat it, (I have a feeling that mine,had she examined it, might not have been the correct size either!

Mr Grump collected me and we came home the back roads as opposed to the motorway (presumably to avoid a repeat performance of the gear changing episode). Ass we were nearing home, he crunched 3rd gear this time and I muttered a bit, As we pulled into the parking space, the clutch vibrated wildly and then went! Nothing! He has broken my bloody car!

Episode 176: Are We Too Clean? — February 22, 2015

Episode 176: Are We Too Clean?

You may remember some time ago I wrote about my mum’s attitude that ‘A little bit of dirt never hurt anybody’. This was in regards to her cavalier disregard for sell-by dates.kitchen cleanliness and other such pleasantries!

To add to this, I remember only having a bath once a week (on a Sunday night fresh for school on Monday), and it was either in with my younger sister, or somebody else’s second-hand water! We didn’t think anything of it really at that time, as we still washed, just didn’t bathe!

Of course, becoming teenagers was a whole new ballgame. We were never out of the bathroom! Mum would be vexed that we would only wear our clothes once and then chuck them in the wash. Apart from underwear, she was convinced that our clothes still had another day or two left in them before they got dirty enough to warrant washing.

She thought we were crazy washing our hair every day as well, telling us that it ‘would wash all the goodness out of it’. We still did it anyway, and got through a job lot of shampoo and conditioner along the way.

According to a survey of 2021 women commissioned by Flint + Flint (A skin care company) four out of five women still don’t bother to shower every day, and in fact one-third will go for three days without washing at all. Phewwwww, I bet things get a bit whiffy around the nethers. How gross!

Like most women I know, I bathe every day, and many times more often than that. I would never dream of going to work without first bathing, which is one of the reasons I get up so early. In my opinion, it is not just about personal pride, but consideration for others as well. I have to get pretty close to my patients, and I am sure they would not want to be a couple of inches from an unwashed armpit – or worse!

By the same token, we wash our patients every day, for their self-respect and dignity as well as the obvious infection control measures. Most of us actually feel better when we are clean, with washed hair and fresh clothes.

I am not averse to a bit of dirt either. Kids like to play in the mud and get filthy, as it is so much fun. I think if we obsessively clean everything to within an inch of its life, then we run the risk of not building up any resistance, and catching everything going! It is about balance and common sense.

Are we too clean or should we leave it 3 days between washes?

Episode 175: Smoking To Scoffing! —

Episode 175: Smoking To Scoffing!

Now that I’ve given up smoking

There’s no more standing outside

Freezing to death in all weathers

As well as trying to hide

My clothes all smell so much sweeter

I’ve lost that strange tinge to my skin

I’m no longer puffing and panting

And I’m determined not to give in

The cough that used to be constant

Has decided to go on its way

I am now considered a non-smoker

After years of smoking 20 a day!

There is one fly in the ointment

That really isn’t so good

Instead of smoking my head off

I’m stuffing my face full of food!

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