Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Seven Embarrassing Sexual Fails! — April 16, 2018

Seven Embarrassing Sexual Fails!

I thought I would share another post from my broken blog, Edwina’s Episodes archives.

Sex is fraught with the potential for embarrassment, and a good sense of humour very often ‘comes in handy’  (if you’ll pardon the pun) to deal with some of the most common cringe-worthy moments that most of us have encountered at some stage in our sexual shenanigans!

  1. Things are heating up, the pace is getting faster, and more passionate, then…. PARPPPPP. Oh No, someone has let one off! You both freeze as the horror of the moment sinks in; hopefully, things will resume pretty quickly afterwards and the mood is not lost!
  2. Ready for a bit of bedroom action, everything is going well….kissing and touching,  breathing is getting heavier, your body is responding to the sensuous caresses but something is not quite right. You have noticed that your partner has backed off just a little. You are getting to the point now where touching is not enough, and as you reach for him, you realise that he is not quite ‘ready’. This is a bit of a tricky situation. You could try other things to ‘perk things up’  but sometimes it is just ‘flogging a dead horse’, or you could sulk, turn your back and seethe! The other option, of course, is to just snuggle up together and reassure that it doesn’t matter.
  3. If you have quite sensitive skin on your face, this one could be a problem. After a long, long night of hot and heavy action, and hours of passionate kissing, you might wake up in the morning with what looks like friction burns on your chin! I have actually had this happen to me and have had to think up some pretty (lame) excuse at work the next day as to how I got ‘that awful burn’ on my chin.
  4. Waking up the next morning only to find there is a patch of blood on the sheets! Mother Nature had paid you an unexpected visit during the night. Mortifying!
  5. Feeling sick just when things are getting going. This is really awkward as you cannot enjoy what is happening if there is a possibility of puking all over your partner! They won’t appreciate it either.
  6. You have got a bit of unexpected child-free time that you decide to take advantage of during the day. You have a bit of ‘afternoon delight’ with your partner, and as you are lying together in the afterglow, you can hear sounds of kids playing outside. You realise that all the bedroom windows are open and that half the street probably heard what you have been up to. Cringe!
  7. Whilst showing off your agility and flexibility getting into all sorts of interesting positions, you are attacked by CRAMP. It’s no good, you twist this way and that way trying to alleviate it, then end up leaping up and hopping about yowling in pain as it won’t go away! Passion is killed!
Episode 487: Tuesday Tidbit. Sex Drives…From a Screech and a Roar to A Cough and a Sputter! (18+) — September 8, 2015

Episode 487: Tuesday Tidbit. Sex Drives…From a Screech and a Roar to A Cough and a Sputter! (18+)

For the Tuesday Tidbit this week I thought I would have a light-hearted look at  how the sex drive changes over the years.

The teenage boy is usually  desperate to have sex and tries his hardest to find someone that will sleep with him. When this fails, it is not unknown for them to have a stash  of adult mags, under the bed to ahem, pore over!

The teenage girl, however, does not know how to deal with her raging hormones, She does not want to risk sleeping with someone who isn’t in love with her, only  to be dumped and have them blab and brag about it to all and sundry, causing her huge embarrassment. No, she will stamp and stomp around the house bursting into tears at the slightest provocation.

Both sexes in their twenties are usually raring to go when it comes to sex. They think they invented the Karma Sutra and are at it constantly several times per day, anywhere and everywhere they can. Forget eating and sleeping sex really is ‘the food of love’ at this stage.

During the thirties, things can slow down a little, especially for women, and particularly if they have young children. Tiredness can be a real passion killer, as can little uninvited visitors to the bedroom in the middle of the night. Men are more willing to risk it, but are often rebuffed, or end up with a little person wedged in the middle of the bed, which curtails any further sexy thoughts!

The forties and fifties. Women can very often reach their sexual peak during their 40s and 50s. more so if the kids are grown up! This is where the men very often slacken off due to ill health, or perhaps pressures of work. Things are starting to die down now and those all night sexual marathons are distant memories, replaced by perfunctory monthly couplings. This is where the women can feel rather let down and frustrated. However, for some that are going through ‘the change’, they are more than happy to lay off the sex for a while as they don’t need anything else to make them feel hot and sweaty!

The Sixties and beyond. This is a time when the menopause is usually finished, and some people are more relaxed due to having more time on their hands having retired from work. This is also when things can really go downhill for some men, Help is at hand, though, (or rather somewhere else), and there are those little blue pills that might be able to perk up the love life.

Now I know why they like to be called ‘recycled teenagers!’

Episode 479: Tuesday Tidbit. Seven Embarrassing Sexual Fails! (18+) — September 1, 2015

Episode 479: Tuesday Tidbit. Seven Embarrassing Sexual Fails! (18+)

Sex is fraught with the potential for embarrassment, and a good sense of humour very often ‘comes in handy’  (if you’ll pardon the pun) to deal with some of the most common cringeworthy moments that most of us have encountered at some stage in our sexual shenanigans!

  1. Things are heating up, the pace is getting faster, and more passionate, then…. PARPPPPP. Oh No, someone has let one off! You both freeze as the horror of the moment sinks in; hopefully things will resume pretty quickly afterwards and the mood is not lost!
  2. Ready for a bit of bedroom action, everything is going well….kissing and touching,  breathing is getting heavier, your body is responding to the sensuous caresses but something is not quite right. You have noticed that your partner has backed off just  a little. You are getting to the point now where touching is not enough, and as you reach for him, you realise that he is not quite ‘ready’. This is a bit of a tricky situation. You could try other things to ‘perk things up’  but sometimes it is just ‘flogging a dead horse’, or you could sulk, turn your back and seethe! The other option of course, is to just snuggle up together and reassure that it doesn’t matter.
  3. If you have quite sensitive skin on your face, this one could be a problem. After a long, long night of hot and heavy action, and hours of passionate kissing, you might wake up in the morning with what looks like friction burns on your chin! I have actually had this happen to me and have had to think up some pretty (lame) excuse at work the next day as to how I got ‘that awful burn’ on my chin.
  4. Waking up the next morning only to find there is a patch of blood on the sheets! Mother Nature had paid you an unexpected visit during the night. Mortifying!
  5. Feeling sick just when things are getting going. This is really awkward as you cannot enjoy what is happening if there is a possibility of puking all over your partner! They won’t appreciate it either.
  6. You have got a bit of unexpected child-free time that you decide to take advantage of during the day. You have a bit of ‘afternoon delight’ with your partner, and as you are lying together in the afterglow, you can hear sounds of kids playing outside. You realise that all the bedroom windows are open and that half the street probably heard what you have been up to. Cringe!
  7. Whilst showing off your agility and flexibility getting into all sorts of interesting positions, you are attacked by CRAMP. It’s no good, you twist this way and that way trying to alleviate it, then end up leaping up and hopping about yowling in pain as it won’t go away! Passion is killed!
Episode 471: Tuesday Tidbit: Role Play? (18+) — August 25, 2015

Episode 471: Tuesday Tidbit: Role Play? (18+)

Let’s try something new tonight

Our love life is such a bore

The 10-minute bonk once a month

Has become another chore!

We need to add a bit of spice

To get the juices flowing

What about some dressing up?

That might get us going!

You make a sexy doctor

In your scrubs and stethoscope

It’s been a while since I felt the urge

 To have a little grope!

Come here and have a listen

To the beating in my chest

Then thrust your tongue inside my mouth

As your hands caress my breasts.

I feel you growing harder,

As I stroke along your length

My breathing is getting faster

And I’m losing all my strength

As you slip inside me.

My legs wrapped around your waist

I kiss you deeply, probing

Savouring your taste.

The pounding and the arching

And then the final thrust

Then follows the explosion

Of pure, unbridled lust.

My breathing back to normal

Clothes are re-arranged

“Nurse, hurry with that linen

There are patients to be changed!”

Episode 433: Tuesday Titbit. My Top Turn-Offs 18+ — July 28, 2015

Episode 433: Tuesday Titbit. My Top Turn-Offs 18+

I have written in the past  for my Tuesday Tidbit post, about getting  ‘in the mood for getting it on’. Well this week I am going to mention a couple of things (in my opinion). that are likely to kill the mood stone dead.

  • Toe sucking. Yuck, yuck and yuck again! Given my aversion to feet (even my own), this is never going to be top of my list of things to try out in the bedroom. I can think of nothing worse than putting a hairy, yellowing, thick-nailed toe anywhere near my mouth let alone sucking it! Dear God, that sounds more like some form of torture to me (especially if a fungal infection is involved)!
  • Skimpy briefs. These don’t really do it for me at all, and please no, don’t let it be a thong! They look good on absolutely no-one at all! I am not one to be impressed by the ‘posing pouch’ type of underwear, in fact I would probably burst out laughing!
  • Breaking wind. I know some men find it funny, but when in bed with a view to getting a little bit of action, I don’t want to hear anyone ‘parp’ and then get hit with the reek of rotten eggs that has been helpfully wafted in my direction.
  • Trying to skip the starter and head straight for the main course! Like most people, I want the full experience. The kissing, stroking, exploring… building up slowly, taking a bit of time, teasing, that kind of thing, not trying to get stuck in!
  • Rough handling. I do not enjoy clumsy tweaking, prodding and poking before I am  ready to get the party started!

What turns you off in the bedroom?

Episode 292: Blogging From A-Z Challenge: ‘O’ (The other version)! — April 17, 2015

Episode 292: Blogging From A-Z Challenge: ‘O’ (The other version)!

***************************ADULT CONTENT WARNING************************************

This is an extra post that I wanted to have a bit of fun with. It might contain a bit of suggestive, sexual content (well, if I can write it properly it might)!  Just a warning, so as not to offend anybody.

***************************************************************************************************

I love the letter ‘O.’ It is so voluptuous and well-apportioned, curvy and rounded. My special word for this letter is for Linda who guessed that I might write it, but I chickened out! However, I do not like to disappoint (a bit like my word actually), and now without further ado, lets get down and dirty with ……..

Orgasm. Oh,  this word is wonderful. It is the kiss, that deepens,and becomes more urgent;  the hands, desperate to caress,stroking, undressing, exposing……satin smooth skin, featherlight touches; lips following, licking,sucking, tasting, then tongue and fingers probing….gasping, pleading. rubbing, feelings heightening…

Until finally joining together, and moaning, pounding, arching, turning, pounding, moaning, arching, faster,faster, faster…….OH MY GOD!…screaming……sighing….cuddling…sleeping!

Episode 158: W.I. Goes 50 Shades Greyer!! — February 11, 2015

Episode 158: W.I. Goes 50 Shades Greyer!!

With all the fuss about ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ around at the moment, it is no surprise that many have jumped on the bandwagon due to the massive amount of publicity it has generated. However, there has been a bit of a fuss over a group of women that nobody would have expected would be interested in this steamy story…

The good old Women’ s Institute  (WI) are just about to celebrate their centenary in 2015, and are a very well-respected institution. It was originally set up during the First World War as a way for women in rural areas to join together in producing food.

Its members are mostly older women who have retired, but it is just starting to become popular with younger ladies. They are known for their jam and chutney making as well as delicious home-made cakes. They are normally pillars of society. and whenever there is a church fete, jumble sale or school fayre, you can normally find these ladies serving teas and coffees with an assortment of biscuits, cakes and scones.

They did cause a bit of a fuss a few years ago when they produced a naked calendar in order to raise money for cancer (They are prolific fundraisers for many charities). It became so popular that the film ‘Calendar Girls’ was based on their story.

Anyway, some of these ladies belong to a writing club based in a small country town. They had already discussed ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and decided that they would like to have a go at writing something raunchy themselves. So they did!

They were producing their own small book made up of short stories covering different topics such as crime,  and adventure etc, but the final chapter was to be a ‘bodice ripper’ (us Brits do love a euphemism). Most of the members were up for having a go at writing the….climax of the book, and a winner would be chosen from the submitted entries.

The person who actually did win was a little coy, and did not want her identity disclosed as she thought her ‘gran would be furious’ (must be one of the younger members then)! Anyway. the chapter was pretty explicit and had to be rated XXX as well as an advisory given (probably so as not to excite the older readers too much).

It has had a bit of a mixed reception so far. Some people are rather shocked that the WI ‘would be involved with such smut’ and others were surprised ‘they had the nerve to print it due to some of the language involved.’

Of course the proceeds from the sale of the book are going to the local hospital for the treatment of cancer, and quite a few of the locals are only to happy to buy the book for the cause (not to mention the racy bits).

I know which book I would rather read!!

Marsha Ingrao - Always Write

Having fun blogging with friends

sew VeraVenus

"A modern make on vintage style."

Rachael's Thoughts

Lifestyle blog featuring the fabulous North East and beyond

My Window

Sharing my thoughts, poems, travel & art

WordPress.com Apps

Apps for any screen

Learning to write

Just your average PhD student using the internet to enhance their CV

Jemverse

Life in words

Stuff and what if...

Exploring writing and the creative randomness of life. Snapshots of moments.

TEL @ CCCU

The Learning Technology Team at Canterbury Christ Church University

Aakashsoyanthone

Aakashsoyanthone

Gin & Lemonade

...with a twist.

Peacock Poetry

by Sam Allen

Tallis Steelyard

The jumbled musings of Tallis Steelyard

Diary of a Dublin Housewife

Diary of a Dublin Housewife

YesterdayAfter

Art Inspiring Magic by Carolina Russo

Two on a Rant

Rants, humor, sarcasm, and a haiku-like substance? It's hard to know what's going to come out of our minds next.

We Are Holistic

Promoting a Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit

pensitivity101

An onion has many layers. So have I!

Fatty McCupcakes

Rants, Ramblings, and Regrets

%d bloggers like this: