Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

It’s So Awkward Being Me! — October 12, 2017

It’s So Awkward Being Me!

Don’t you just hate the type of women that always, without fail, manage to look perfect; from shiny, healthy, beautifully styled hair to their pedicured toenails! Unfortunately, I am not, and never will be one of those women, preferring to be awkward instead – but how I envy them!

Take how I dress for work, for example; aside from the very unflattering uniform, (which by the way, is the shade of grey that is achieved by putting a white and black item in the same wash on a high temperature; it looks dirty before I have even started). I never bother to wear any makeup (it would be pointless as I get soooo hot on the ward) and I usually put my hair up in a clip, so there is no styling involved. If I did make an effort to wear make-up and have some stylish up-do (which iI would have to get someone else to do anyway…I’m rubbish with hair),  then it would all be ruined within the first hour of me being there!

As I mentioned, I get boiling and, after a while of running around, the sweat is dripping down my face, which is bad enough (and embarrassing) without imagining what the result would look like if I had carefully made up my face. Not only would I have ghastly streaks down my face from rivulets of sweat spoiling the foundation, but no doubt, the mascara would run, causing hideous black, spidery smudges mingling with streaky foundation! ( I am there to try to help the patients feel better, not scare them into an early grave)!

Talking of work, I used to have a colleague called Jenny who was one of these perfect women. We used to work in the Operations department of a busy travel brochure company,  so could mostly wear what we wanted to work. On this particular day, she and I both turned up in identical outfits! We had on hot pink 3/4 trousers, a black top and black mules.

Neither one of us knew the other was going to wear the said outfit, and that was only the start of my humiliation!  Jenny is tall, willowy and blonde, and she looked fantastic. I am blonde, but that is where the similarity ends, as I am also short and chunky!  Needless to say, everyone commented on our outfits, and my other friend made it worse by calling us Bim and Bo (put it together and you get…the picture)!

Jenny and I became good friends, and used to go to the gym together during our lunch hour (why do I set myself up to fail)?! The day I  remember vividly (branded in my brain as one of THE worst embarrassing moments) started when both of us were on adjacent treadmills… We built up the speed until we were running. Just before ten minutes were up, I was gloating over the fact that  Jenny had slowed down and I had managed to keep up the pace! Well, we all know what pride comes before, and sure enough, I lost concentration and my footing.

I was flailing, desperately trying to stay upright..but no…BANG. I fell on the treadmill which was still going, and it resented my falling on it. So it spitefully chucked me right off and landed with a thud in a heap at the foot of one of the other exercise machines!

I sat there winded and rather red in the face, and my leg hurt and then, Oh no…here comes Mr Hunky Gym Instructor Guy. Great, I look like a right bloody fool. He comes over solicitously, helps me up and leads me off to the changing room to minister to my wounds, which I reluctantly showed him, ( I was dying of shame showing him my tree trunk legs, which were bruised and scraped)! No real damage was done so manfully (or womanfully) I decided to go back out there and workout on one of the machines.

Image courtesy of Pixabay

I chose the one where you could sit down, and use the weights to bring your arms backwards and forward( you can tell I am no Gym bunny as I don’t know the names of any of the machines). Anyway, there was a bloke that was working out opposite me who was giving me a bit of a funny look. I assumed he had seen my little ‘accident’ and carried on. He still kept glancing my way, and I knew it wasn’t a lustful look (God knows, if it was he must have been desperate)! I looked down and to my utter mortification, noticed that the underwire from my bra, had somehow broken free and was poking out of my top! That was it, time to go and never return!

Jenny, of course, looked as elegant and fresh when she had finished her workout as she had before she had started!!!

Just Jot it January 17th – Collection — January 17, 2016

Just Jot it January 17th – Collection


I am not sure what to write about for Linda’s Just Jot it January prompt word today. We have been given ‘collection’ to use. I am not really a collector of things. Some people collect spoons, teapots, beer mats, all manner of things really, but that is not for me.

I did have a small record collection, but that got left behind in a move, I had some cassette tapes, but they are amongst my other clutter up in the loft, and as for my CD collection, well it is probably, at least, twenty  years out of date! I haven’t bought music for years, and never buy DVDs. I do have a lot of books, though.

I am a little too obsessive to be a collector, I think.  If I started a collection of something then I would constantly be adding to it, never knowing when to stop until I ended up on ‘Hoarders’ or some such programme. I would then get het up if I had to part with any of it.

I am very possessive of my possessions actually and am not keen on chucking anything out, especially if someone has given it to me. I have recently had some help from my sister on decluttering the shelves in my front room that were so full up, you couldn’t actually see anything!

Every photo of Miss Hap from a baby to present, that was taken by a school  or nursery photographer,  were fighting for space; some teacups that were given to me when dad died were also vying for a spot, as were the many candles that I have got all over the place!

It pained me a great deal to put most of the photos in the loft, and get rid of some of the candles that had seen better days! However, the shelves look much better, and that actually makes me feel better!

For me, collections equate to clutter and I have already got enough of that as it is!



Cluttered House, Cluttered Mind? — December 30, 2015

Cluttered House, Cluttered Mind?

I may have mentioned that at the moment I am going through quite a bad bout of anxiety and depression. My head feels like someone is wringing my brain out, and there is not enough room in it for all of the thoughts that are going around and around. It is really tricky even trying to string some  coherent thoughts together at the moment! It really seems like my head is full of clutter, which is funny really as. looking around my house is pretty cluttered too!

Now don’t get me wrong, the house is quite tidy, but everywhere I look there is stuff! Under the coffee table is jam packed with sewing magazines (I havent done any sewing for ages), all of the shelves in my front room are covered with photos or ornaments, my kitchen draweres are full to bursting with odds and sods, and the bathroom is stocked with enough toiletries to keep me going until at least next Christmas (not that I am complaining)!

I have two wardrobes chock-a-block in the bedroom but nothing to wear, an overflowing knicker drawer and shoes galore at the bottom of my wardrobes, and under the bed, oh yes, and in my ottoman at the end of the bed. It is like a lucky dip whenever I go in there, to get a pair out as it takes me forever to find the matching one!

The problem is Mr Grump is like it as well! He has got a box of hats on top of his wardrobe (everything from pork pie hats, to flat caps and an assortment of sun hats)! He also loves shoes and there are loads under his side of the bed although he only ever seems to wear one or two pairs.

If that wasn’t bad enough Miss Hap has also joined in the tradition! She has shelves of books, and video games as well as all of her hair stuff and makeup. She has now decided that she needs to minimalise her room, but that is not going to be an easy task.

If you were to look in my loft, you would find nearly as much stuff up there that I can’t bear to throw out, as in the rest of the house. I am a very sentimental person and have only just started throwing greeting cards out. I have kept them all for years and years. I also havee clothes of all different sizes up there that I will never wear, along with some baby clothes of Miss Hap’s that I cannot bear to part with.

I am wondering if maybe I should start being a bit more ruthless and chuck out some of this stuff.  What about you, do you live in cluttered chaos or minimalist with no mess?





Episode 325: Ice, Ice Baby! — May 12, 2015

Episode 325: Ice, Ice Baby!

Now I am pretty lucky that Mr Grump is rather handy in the DIY department, and will tackle most jobs.However, I am the worst person in the world to have around when things like that have to be done, as I get really stressed out about the mess and the hassle! Added to that the fact that I am not feeling so good at the moment, means that tempers might be a bit fraught if there are any jobs that Mr Grump wants to get done.

My niece has recently moved and we have bought her lovely huge fridge freezer as it is unfortunately too big. It is not quite a year old and has a water and ice facility that has so far never been used as it was never plumbed in. Mr Grump decided straight away that he would be able to do that, and ordered metres of thin pipe needed for the connection as well as some other bits.

After a lot of maneuvering of stuff that was in the way in our kitchen, the new fridge freezer was in place and work was due to commence on Saturday morning which I was dreading! In order to connect it to the nearest water pipe he was going to drill a hole through the kitchen into the downstairs loo, cut the pipe near the sink and fit a new connection.

I got out of the way! After the most horrendous loud drilling that went right through me, and shattered my already frayed nerves, there was a load of banging about, a bit of cursing and then he said he had done it.

Wow, that was quicker than I had expected. He said he was going to turn the water supply back on and that was it. Great. I waited in anticipation. Psssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that was a funny noise, but I didn’t move off of the sofa. Mr Grump went to investigate in the kitchen, and yes the water was connected to the pipe but was pouring all over the floor. I think he had missed the bit about connecting that bit of pipe to the bloody thing itself!

I left him to clean up the mess (with my nice tea cloths and kitchen towels Grrrrr), and went online to find the online manual that shows how to connect up the other bit. Anyway, he did manage to sort it out, and I was called out into the kitchen for a ceremonial glass of water from the tap on the new fridge.

It took him quite a bit longer to suss out how to make the ice, but he did it and was feeling pretty pleased with himself. Miss Hap decided she needed to try it for herself and I could hear the humming noise it made but no ice came out. Mr Grump went back to fiddle with it, and made some more.

Later that night just before bed Mr Grump got me a glass of water from the fridge this time to take up with me as I usually do. He asked me if I wanted ice (I didn’t), I thought I would humour him and let him show off so I said yes.

Humming noise, no ice; humming noise, no ice! He opened the door, and I pointed out to him that he should not have put the over on the ice making bit, it was to be stored separately if ice was being used. He crossly told me that he hadn’t put it there (he had)!

Anyway, he put the glass of water under the ice tap and a whole load of ice cubes came flying out of the compartment and all over the floor. That didn’t please him at all. He picked all the ice up, raging and moaning whilst I stood there, shoulders shaking trying not to laugh. He then stomped off to bed leaving me to get my own ice. Really!

Blogging From A-Z Challenge: ‘H’ — April 9, 2015

Blogging From A-Z Challenge: ‘H’

Blogging From A-Z Challenge today has us looking at the letter ‘H.’ This seems to be rather a staid and serious letter, being all proud and upright. However, my word for the day is far from it!

Higgledy-piggledy is a wonderful word on so many levels, It rhymes (always a bonus in my book), and it has a silly, wacky quality to it that is s appealing,  This word is all of a jumble, mixed up and in a mess.

It is the state of Miss Hap’s bedroom! It is stuff haphazardly chucked about all over the place; cupboards stuffed full of all sorts of junk, balancing precariously on top of each other just waiting to spring out at the poor unsuspecting sod that dares to open the door!

It is where everything is topsy-turvy, upside down, helter-skelter, and in complete disarray.There is no order in the chaos…

Sounds a bit like my posts really!

Episode 189: Smooth(ie) Operator! — March 1, 2015

Episode 189: Smooth(ie) Operator!

Miss Hap has discovered a new drink which she loves, Oreo Smoothie! Now forgive me if I am wrong, but aren’t smoothies supposed to be healthy? You know, made with fruit and veg and skimmed milk….that kind of thing, not ice cream and Oreos (I can’t bear them myself)!

Anyway, she has been nagging me for ages to buy the ingredients in order to make this delightful drink. I have so far not obliged her,  as her once a week indulgence is plenty enough for such a sugar-fest. I did however, promise to make her a ‘normal’ smoothie.

I have actually got a smoothie maker that I have had for ages, but now never really gets used. I dragged in out of the corner it was hiding in, gave it a bit of a clean up and gathered some ingredients together.

Now I have to mention that I was not really in a very good mood. We were going to have our usual Sunday roast, but whilst Mr Grump was cooking the meat, it gave off rather an unpleasant smell. Once cooked. although it looked gorgeous, none of us fancied it anymore due to the weird smell, so that put paid to that! Hence the reason why I was crabby. (I had a healthy dinner instead)!

Anyway, I poured the milk into the smoothie maker, and asked Miss Hap to get the ice out of the freezer whilst I got the bananas. She had decided that she didn’t want anything else with it as she ‘doesn’t really like that much fruit’ (a fact I know all too well)!

When I turned back to the smoothie maker I saw that all of the milk had ended up on the worktop. There must have been a bit missing from the machine which I hadn’t noticed, despite the fact that it was an essential component!

I got more milk and we used the food processor to mix everything up in, I poured out some of the drink and gave it to my daughter. She took the smallest of sips and her face said it all. I went to give some to Mr Grump and when I came back all of Miss Hap’s drink had suspiciously gone. She said that she had enjoyed it and sloped off upstairs.

I, meanwhile, was left with one hell of a mess to clean up. As I went to start the washing up, I noticed that the washing up bowl was filled with what looked uncannily like banana smoothie! Great! She had thrown it away as I thought. I chucked out the bloody useless smoothie maker as well. Oh well, at least my kitchen is slightly less cluttered now!

Episode 186: Counting Sheep! — February 28, 2015

Episode 186: Counting Sheep!


**********I have made a joke at the end of the post which some people may find offensive, particularly if you are vegetarian or Welsh!!! No offence intended!********

If you live on a posh housing estate, you don’t expect to be bothered at 3am by a rowdy group making a racket and causing a disturbance. You might be cross about being woken up and shout at them out of the window, or you might even call the police. The residents of one such estate in the north of England, are at their wit’s end as none of these solutions have any impact. The reason for this is…….the culprits are four-legged, and fluffy sheep!

Apparently these sheep are breaking free of their fields, and making their way to this housing estate, leaving a trail of droppings in their wake. Some of the local residents have complained that it is not very pleasant taking their babies out in their buggies, and having to dodge treading in it, or trundling it around on the wheels!

Another problem is that the sheep are rather partial to a tasty plant or two, They like to snack on people’s prize petunias and such like, and clear off without clearing up! This is very bad form and the neighbours have had enough of it.

Nobody seems to know who these bothersome bovines belong to,so the police have very helpfully dished out tines of paint! Yes the residents are expected to try to catch one of these troublesome tearways, and splodge a bit of paint on it in order for them to be identified!

I had to laugh at this story. I know that if we ever had the same problem where I live with wandering sheep, Mr Grump being both Welsh and a chef would be in his element. The problem is, he wouldn’t know whether to shag it or cook it!

Episode 97: Messy Miss Hap! — January 11, 2015

Episode 97: Messy Miss Hap!

My daughter’s room is disgraceful

There are clothes all over the floor

Her school bags are chucked in a corner

And you can’t even open the door!

Her linen is rumpled and crumpled

And piled in a heap on the bed

The poor old goldfish neglected

If it wasn’t for me it’d be dead!

Her keyboard stands right in the centre

It’s lead still plugged into the wall

The bin’s overflowing with rubbish

This mess just won’t do at all.

Well it’s time that she got it all tidied

I’m sick of having to moan…

And nag her to clean up her bedroom

Or I’ll confiscate her iPhone!

The threat worked, and the room is tidy……for now!

Episode 81: Christmas Clearout! — December 20, 2014

Episode 81: Christmas Clearout!

Today I wanted to give the house a thorough tidying up in order to make way for more stuff that comes with Christmas! We managed to get a head start last night by doing the mountain of ironing that had accumulated during the week so that was one less chore for this morning!

I decided that Mr Grump could do downstairs and I would tackle the upstairs. On opening the door to Miss Hap’s room, I recoiled at the sight that greeted me. School uniform draped over her chair, as it’s obviously too far to walk to the washing bin in the bathroom! Pillows flung around the bed (she is one restless sleeper), duvet on the floor!  There were a couple of reading books in the bed along with four annuals (that child does love an annual, anything from ‘The Beano’ to ‘Top Gear’). Along with the books were an assortment of sequins and pins from the latest ‘Sequin Art’ she is creating.

Miss Hap uses her double bed as a kind of den, where she does her homework, (the laptop was also on the bed), projects, drawing and reading, so it holds a  cornucopia of  crap that gets left there until the next time she uses it. The sequins and pins have also found their way onto the floor along with bits of scrap paper, a few items of clothing, and the odd hair bobble! Her drawers were half open with stuff poking out of the top, and there was stuff sticking out from under the bed, where it had been shoved out of sight!

I was going to leave it for her to do, as she is now old enough to be keeping her room tidy at least. For some reason, she does not see why a room should be tidied when it will only get messed up again, and she cannot see the logic in keeping it tidy in the first place so it doesn’t get messy. Against my better judgement I decided to clean it up and I gingerly entered the fray armed with my weapons of giant rubbish bag, and duster, Luckily as I had just finished tidying Mr Grump offered to vacuum as that is my least favourite task, and I was already starting to get in a mood due to the fact it took me ages to put everything away and get the room looking nice.

I went off to tackle the rest of my jobs upstairs, and was just scrubbing out the sink in the bathroom when Mr Grump blundered in with the vacuum cleaner, stubbing my toe with the attachment as he barged about haphazardly. As I have a very painful ingrown toenail I let loose a couple of choice expletives at him. As Miss Hap was not there to hear them and repeat them at inappropriate times (like in front of my Mum, or out in the middle of town) I had an extensive range to choose from, and I decided that I would run the gamut and use the lot before stomping off downstairs (well, hobbling actually)!

After a (cold) half cup of tea, and a bit of a sit-down, my toe stopped throbbing and we both finished off the chores we wanted to do so that the house was spick and span. I even got out my fancy Christmas plates and dishes (which caused more work as they were a bit grimy from having been put away for a year, and had to have a good wash) and nibbles have been set out early.(I don’t want to be left with loads of food knocking about, so don’t see the point in waiting until Christmas Day before anyone is allowed to touch anything)! Shame those dry roasted peanuts are so tempting that I can’t resist tucking in every time I go near the table!

Anyway, for now, the work is done…. Miss Hap’s room has everything packed away nicely which is just as well, really as come Christmas Day, there will no doubt be lots of  lovely new things that we need to find a home for!!

Episode 29: Frightful Family….. — October 30, 2014

Episode 29: Frightful Family…..

In stark contrast to yesterday’s blog where I got all dressed up and no-one noticed, today I felt like the scruffiest, messiest person, (not to mention worst mother) who ever walked the earth!

This morning we all decided to go into town to pick up some more bits we needed for Halloween tomorrow. Miss Hap wanted some face paints, plus we needed to get a load more sweets for the hordes of Trick or Treaters, and some other odds and ends.

Miss Hap took her time getting ready, and eventually joined me and Mr Grump downstairs, but her long, thick hair was unbrushed and matted. I told her to brush it before we went out, but the usual palaver ensued and I ended up grabbing the Tangle Teezer and set about it myself! Half and hour later and I still hadn’t got through it. I was really mad, getting more and more hot and bothered, Miss Hap was complaining, and Mr Grump was wild as he hates waiting about when he has been ready for ages (as do I)!…

We have this performance every morning, As lovely and thick as Miss Hap’s hair is, she is unable to manage it properly herself, especially as it is halfway down her back. Granted, it does look gorgeous when it is all brushed, but for the 10 minutes that it stays knot-free, it is just not worth the hassle. I told Miss Hap that it is now time to get it cut. I was not going to keep going through this hassle day in,day out, and if she could not control it then, it was time for the chop!

Oh this did not go down well at all, but I was so cross by now that i left a two-inch section of matting in the back of her hair and we headed off out….

We got our shopping, but just out of the blue as we were about to leave Miss Hap said that perhaps she will get her hair cut after all. Before she could change her mind, we did a swift about-turn and headed for the nearest salon where there was no appointment needed. As luck would have it, we didn’t have to wait that long. There were two young stylists and only one customer, so Miss Hap was seen straight away. I explained to the young and trendy stylist, the problems we were having with my daughter’s hair and that she would like it cut. The stylist recommended a style that would be easy to manage and  shoulder length, so it wasn’t too short which suited everybody,….

However, her face soon changed when she saw the huge clump at the back of Miss Hap’s hair, and her and the other stylist exchanged appalled glances, as I cringed with embarrassment. I tried to reassure them that I did brush t everyday, but although they smiled and nodded, I knew they thought I was neglectful! “I’ll have to wash it” the stylist stated, daring me to argue with her, which of course I wasn’t, (I think she thought that she would give my poor daughter a treat as her hair had obviously never been washed before)! “That’s fine” I replied as she balefully wielded a larger Tangle Teezer through Miss Hap’s tousled mop! It was agreed that I would leave Miss Hap there whilst me and Mr Grump went for coffee at the cafe next door (he, in fact was already there having claimed his favourite table outside)!

I sat down in the sunshine that had appeared from nowhere. I explained to Mr Grump that Miss Hap was going to be about 45 mins as she was having wash, cut and blow dry, and then I was going to nip in for a quick trim afterwards.  Oh that didn’t please him at all, especially as it meant he would have to carry around all the bags plus my hoodie (I was too hot now the sun had come out) for an hour longer. “Just give me a bit and brace and a couple of saddlebags and I’m sorted” he moaned, This just made me laugh as poor packhorse Mr Grump would probably end up with a few more bags if we were to spend extra time in town…..

Anyway, we trotted around a bit more before it was time to pick up Miss Hap….she looked beautiful. Her hair looked sleek, shiny, and the length suited her perfectly. So now it was my turn. I sat in the chair in front of the mirror and recoiled at the dreadful image that faced me. Christ, do I really look that old and haggard?…My hair which was also a bit knotty (although I had brushed it) looked fried and frazzled. Although recently re-dyed, the roots looked ‘black’ as pointed out to the stylist by an ever-helpful Miss Hap, who was feeling superior now her hair had been tamed into submission.

I had not bothered to try to style my hair, nor had I put on any make-up, in fact I rarely wear it nowadays. I had painted my nails black in preparation for Halloween tomorrow, but to be honest, after looking at myself in that mirror, all I needed were a couple of Rice Krispies to stick on as warts, and I would have made the prefect old hag! The kids would be bloody terrified!

As I was not expecting to get my hair cut and Mr Grump was already crabby, I opted for a dry trim, which although looked tidier did not disguise the frizzy , candy floss appearance. I quickly paid for our haircuts, and got out of there! God knows what that hairdresser must have thought of us, what with Miss Hap’s matted,clumpy hair, (oh, and I noticed when we got home that she had been walking around with a hole in the arse of her leggings as well); my  bleached blonde disastrous locks (not sure whether I looked like an old tart or an old witch, either way, neither is very flattering); and Mr Grump, his skinny frame laden with bags, and hound-dog expression. She must have thought Halloween had come early!

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