Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 404: New Experiences. — July 5, 2015

Episode 404: New Experiences.

I haven’t told any of you this yet (well apart from Hugh in an e-mail), but for the last couple of months I have been writing some articles for a relatively new online magazine called Writing Times.

Ever since I started this blog back in November, I have become more and more obsessed with writing. and I especially love doing those wacky news articles such as this one (which I actually did for the magazine) and this as well. I have written them under my real name Judy Martin as I wanted to do something as ‘me’ so to speak!

Anyway, this magazine has all sorts from an agony aunt, to reviews, recipes, Flash Fiction competitions and loads of other great stuff. I wanted to gain some experience in writing, so contacted them to see if I could do anything for them, and am now part of a great team.

They are always looking for new writers in all sorts of topics, so if you too are looking to get some experience (I am really enjoying myself digging around for new stuff to write about) then perhaps you would like to contact them here.

Episode 296: Blog Feed! — April 19, 2015

Episode 296: Blog Feed!

Well today is the last day of the Easter holidays and it’s back to work tomorrow after two weeks off. It has been so nice to have this time off, especially as the weather has been pretty kind as well, on the whole.

The one thing I will miss though is being able to spend more time on my blogging. I have been able to feed my blogging addiction quite a lot over the last two weeks, and instead of my hunger being sated, I find that my appetite has grown!

I am actually going to have to use the ‘schedule’ button a bit more than I normally do as I like to write ‘off the cuff’ about whatever takes my fancy. It is odd to  think though that before September last year when I started this blog, I had never done any sort of writing as such.

I have always loved poems, and little ditties which I still like to do now, along with a newfound extra; I have discovered the Haiku (thanks to dear Hugh and Ronovan).They are also pretty fun to do, although as there are rules with them, they require a bit more thought (stretching my poor brain to the limit)!

Given my love of words, and being such a prolific reader as well, it is odd that I never really considered writing before. Mind you, it probably has a lot to do with confidence really, as my idea of people who wrote, were either of scholarly types, locked away in the attic for hours scribbling frantically, or of the bright and funny young women bashing away at a temperamental typewriter knocking out their latest ‘bonkbuster!’

Obviously, I fit into neither of those categories, nor do I have anything specific that I like to write about, apart from the fact that I do prefer to have some sort of humour running through it. Perhaps that is why I have become addicted to blogging. It seems to fit with me perfectly, because not only can I write to my heart’s content, I also get to interact with other bloggers too. That for me is the main course and the dessert!

Episode 294: How To Make An Arse Of Yourself! — April 18, 2015

Episode 294: How To Make An Arse Of Yourself!

Silly old Michael Buble has landed himself in trouble over an Instagram pic that his wife took.  Whilst holidaying in Miami, he and his family went to get some food, and his wife decided to take a picture of him. In the background there is a young woman with rather a skimpy pair of shorts on, which the wife thought to include in the picture.

When Buble saw the pic of the young lady he thought it would be a great snap to post, and thereby share with all of his followers. Just in case they didn’t appreciate the young lady’s assets, he included hashtags such a ‘beautiful bum’ and ‘hungry shorts’ amongst others to draw attention to the ‘humps’ in question!

He thought no more about it until he started getting irate messages by people incensed that he ‘body-shamed’ this poor woman. He was accused of being a misogynist, who was disrespecting women. Others also asked him whether or not he had obtained permission from the woman to even take her photo.

Others were concerned that the young woman might have only been a minor. Michael Buble thought that the pic was a bit of ‘light-hearted’ fun and that is was complementary to the young lady concerned to post her backside all over Instagram!

Do you think Buble has made an ‘arse’ of himself, or is he just having a bit of harmless ‘cheeky’ fun!

Episode 278: Double Vision! — April 8, 2015

Episode 278: Double Vision!

It is thought that most of us have a ‘doppelganger’ somewhere out in the big wide world. For one man, he actually got to meet his, purely by chance!

A retired clergyman was shocked when he moved to a different county and people kept waving and smiling at him as if they knew him. He realised that it wasn’t just friendliness on their part as they kept referring to him by a different name!

After a couple of months of this, the puzzled man decided to ask the cafe owner (who also addressed him by the wrong name) what as going on! The cafe owner was shocked that the man didn’t seem to know him, and that he wasn’t called ‘John’ either that he had been referring him as. He even had to get out his driving licence to prove it!

It turned out that John also lived in the town and had done for over fifty years. This explained to the Clergyman (called Neil) the case of mistaken identity and he thought no more about it, despite being a little intrigued as to what this John looked like.

Not long later, Neil went on a coach trip to the British Library Museum. He heard someone mention the name ‘John’ and he craned his neck to get a better view. He could actually see the resemblance himself, and they had in fact, got a lot in common!

Not only do they have similar taste in clothes (the pic was taken on the day of the coach trip), but they had actually studied at the same College and followed careers as RE teachers! They also have similar interests in Amateur Dramatics and writing poetry, and have now become firm friends!

How would you feel if you met up with your ‘twin?’ Personally I think I would be a bit freaked out!

Episode 260: Is That 20 inch Waist Real? Corset is! — March 28, 2015

Episode 260: Is That 20 inch Waist Real? Corset is!

One of the problems that I have with my figure is my waist (or lack of). Apart from the healthy eating regime I am trying to stick to, I have also taken up hula-hooping (thanks to my blogging pal Ritu), in the hope that I might be able to whittle my waist into some sort of shape.

A young woman from Venezuela however, had trained her waist down to a mere 20 inches! She has done this by wearing a corset for 23 hours a day, over the last six years. Apparently, although it was uncomfortable to begin with, she now loves the feel of the ‘pressure’ at her waist, and has no trouble sleeping in it!

She has had a few bit of plastic surgery as well to …ahem… enhance some of her other assets, and a bit of liposuction in her thighs, but the waist cinching is down to the corset and also eating healthily and exercise.

She is very proud of her hourglass shape and loves the attention that it brings her wherever she goes. In fact she would like to become famous because of her figure. and despite doctors warning her that this extreme corset wearing could damage her body in later life, is determined to keep wearing it.

I have to say, as much as I would love a waist, I think this woman looks a little unusual having such a small waist in comparison to the rest of her.

Do you think she is sexy or scary?

Episode 251: Hacked Off! — March 25, 2015

Episode 251: Hacked Off!

Isn’t it great how schools now have got with the times, make the most of the latest technology and have Twitter accounts etc. I am constantly checking on my daughter’s progress via the school website. I can read all her school reports (they can’t get ‘lost’ like mine did at times), I can see whether or not she is late for any of her lessons (she has been several times, as she never feels the need to hurry grrrrrrrrrr) and can look at how many positive events she has (lots actually which I am very proud about).

Anyway,I remember that just before she started the school, their website got hacked and some rather dodgy ‘glamour’ models appeared on it instead, advertising certain services that the school would not encourage in their young ladies!

Well, it got sorted, but now a similar hoo-ha has broken out over another school’s Twitter account. Someone has decided that their headmaster would look pretty good in a fetching pair of tight underpants, with a few macho tattoos to show off, so they superimposed his head onto a fit, muscular male body and wrote a caption congratulating the head on his new contract with an Adult Entertainment site!

This has not gone down well (if you, ahem pardon the pun) with the school or some of the parents! Apparently they have shut it down whilst enquiries are being made to try to discover the culprit(s).

It has been suggested though that the school’s IT department be praised if indeed a pupil is found to have been the perpetrator, due to their superior hacking skills!

Episode 246: ‘You Dirty Rat!’ — March 24, 2015

Episode 246: ‘You Dirty Rat!’

One young man was feeling a bit fed-up on Valentine’s Day as he didn’t have a date. He decided to treat himself to dinner and headed for a local restaurant. However, this tightwad decided that he wasn’t going to pay for his meal, and tried out his master plan on the unsuspecting owner.

As he was nearing the end of his meal, the skinflint jumped up from his table shouting that he had seen a rat. This news pretty quickly cleared out the other diners as well (except for one cool dude who didn’t seem at all perturbed, either that or he was very hungry and was not leaving his food) and the owner went over to see what was going on.

The cheap skate explained what he had seen, and asked the owner for a full refund due to the rat-infested conditions, which the owner duly paid him. However, when pest control were called out to sort out the problem (pretty swiftly) they soon caught on to what had happened…

There was indeed a rat in the restaurant, but it was a domesticated one! The reason they could tell this apparently was that the rat had recently had a haircut! (Who gives rats a haircut, am I missing something here)?

Checking back over the CCTV footage seemed to confirm the moment when the pathetic penny-pincher reached into his pocket to release the rat. He has since got himself a criminal record for the sake of a £7.25 meal! He also had to pay £60 victim surcharge to the furious restaurant owner, who apparently though the sentence far too lenient and that the ‘death penalty’ was more in order!

Episode 186: Counting Sheep! — February 28, 2015

Episode 186: Counting Sheep!

ADVISORY

**********I have made a joke at the end of the post which some people may find offensive, particularly if you are vegetarian or Welsh!!! No offence intended!********

If you live on a posh housing estate, you don’t expect to be bothered at 3am by a rowdy group making a racket and causing a disturbance. You might be cross about being woken up and shout at them out of the window, or you might even call the police. The residents of one such estate in the north of England, are at their wit’s end as none of these solutions have any impact. The reason for this is…….the culprits are four-legged, and fluffy sheep!

Apparently these sheep are breaking free of their fields, and making their way to this housing estate, leaving a trail of droppings in their wake. Some of the local residents have complained that it is not very pleasant taking their babies out in their buggies, and having to dodge treading in it, or trundling it around on the wheels!

Another problem is that the sheep are rather partial to a tasty plant or two, They like to snack on people’s prize petunias and such like, and clear off without clearing up! This is very bad form and the neighbours have had enough of it.

Nobody seems to know who these bothersome bovines belong to,so the police have very helpfully dished out tines of paint! Yes the residents are expected to try to catch one of these troublesome tearways, and splodge a bit of paint on it in order for them to be identified!

I had to laugh at this story. I know that if we ever had the same problem where I live with wandering sheep, Mr Grump being both Welsh and a chef would be in his element. The problem is, he wouldn’t know whether to shag it or cook it!

Episode 167: Fifty Shards of Glass! — February 17, 2015

Episode 167: Fifty Shards of Glass!

Picture the scene…it’s Valentine’s Day, you have gone (reluctantly) to the cinema with your wife to see ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and when you arrive, you see a woman in handcuffs. Kinky? No, she has just been arrested by the Police!

Only in Scotland could this bizarre event have occurred. Apparently, during an earlier showing of the film, a group of three women became rather rowdy. Alcohol was sold in this particular venue and they had slightly overindulged. This caused to them to not only vomit in the aisles but also to become a bit loud and unruly.

This annoyed one gentleman who went over to them and asked them to pipe down a bit, as presumably, it was spoiling his enjoyment of the film! Big mistake! These women were not going to be told what to do, and apparently there was a fracas where the man ended up getting ‘glassed’!

The stewards promptly called the Police who swiftly turned up to arrest the three disorderly women, leading one off to the Police van in handcuffs! (Not quite the idea she had in mind, I suspect)!

The man and his wife arriving for the next showing waited patiently for order to be restored; vomit to be cleaned up, and blood wiped off of the seats!

I bet E L James had not envisioned her novels to have inspired this kind of scenario! (Actually it was probably a damn sight more exciting than the movie anyway)!

Episode 150: Daffodils Can Make You Ill!!! — February 7, 2015

Episode 150: Daffodils Can Make You Ill!!!

What’s the difference between a daffodil and an onion? No I haven’t gone off my rocker (Well, no more than usual) but apparently there are some people who do not know the difference. It has been taken so seriously that Public Health England (PHE) have become involved.

This story actually made it on to the BBC news this morning, It is beyond belief that Supermarkets have been advised to stop displaying daffodils near to the vegetable section. Apparently, some poor souls  mistake the bulbs for onions and have become poorly after eating them! The leaves too have been munched as they resemble a type of Chinese vegetable.

Daffodil consumption can cause diarrhoea, vomiting and a sore throat as they are poisonous when eaten, The effects can last up to 24 hours as well!

Maybe they just need to put a giant health warning on them or an advisory, You know, like they do with take-away coffees (caution may be hot). I should bloody well hope so, or I’m taking it back!

Anyone got any suggestions of how we can stop this dreadful mix-up from happening?

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