Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Sugar and Spice, Being a Woman is Nice! — November 1, 2017

Sugar and Spice, Being a Woman is Nice!

There seems to be an expectation that a woman should look nice all the time. Yes, that is all well and good, but for me, even if I start off looking nice it doesn’t last long. My hair will get knotty and become more and more kinked as the day goes on; if I am wearing makeup, I will inevitably forget and rub my eye or something, thereby smudging mascara halfway down my face, and end up looking like something out of a horror show.

If I wear heels, it is a disaster waiting to happen. However, it does not stop me as they are so elegant – only not when you go over on the side of the shoe, or get the heel caught in a grate, carry on walking to find you a bit lop-sided and minus a shoe. Worse still, there never seems to be any grip on a pair of heels, and if there is a slippery surface, God help me! The very least I will do is skate and skid for a bit, but more often than not,  end up in a heap on the floor, dazed, legs akimbo, and knickers on show to all and sundry!

All that is when I do make an effort. There are many times when I do not wear make-up. I must frighten people (especially the patients when I am at work) with my pale, pasty skin, and dark circles under my eyes. I also have a ‘determined’ kind of a walk. I can’t help it, but I have shoulders like an American Football player, and someone once referred to me as ‘stocky’! How bloody rude, stocky! Anyway, although I  am short, I probably look a dreadful fright if I were approaching someone from the opposite direction, barging my way forward, ghostly pale, with my Medusa-style hair flying about!

At least we can wear high heels though if we want to, They can make us look taller, our legs look longer and slimmer, and give us a sexy ‘wiggle’ in our walk (well for some women they can). Poor old men dip out a bit here. Especially as some men still feel a bit uncomfortable if they are shorter than their female partner. Now, unless they have got the flair to pull off a high-heeled boot like Prince used to, or Simon Cowell still does, or wear ‘lifts’ in their shoes like Tom Cruise, then they are just going to have to lump it, or stand on a box when being photographed!

Likewise corsets body shapers, Spanx etc.  A woman can try to hide a few inches or look a bit slimmer by cramming our flesh into instruments of torture, or rather, specially made underwear that is designed to flatter the figure, (even if cutting off the circulation).We also have the uplift bras, and chicken fillet things that ‘enhance’ our boobs, while men don’t have that luxury; the best a man can hope to do is shove a shock down his underpants or something. A word of warning here though, there is no point is wearing all this stuff if you are out on the pull because there is going to be a lot of disappointment later on when you unleash the flab and reveal the fried eggs and – well, you get the picture!

However, being a woman does have some advantages… I have, on more than one occasion (more so when younger) acted ‘The Dumb Blonde’ in order to get some help. My friend used to have this really old banger of a car, which broke down more often than it actually went. Many is the time I have had to get out and try to bump start it, or we would open the bonnet and look helplessly inside (none of us knew what we were looking for). I have not refused help if some kindly gentleman has seen us and offered to help push or see if he could work out what the problem is, Thinking about it, I didn’t have to act the dumb blonde, I was one! (As far as cars are concerned at least).

I do love being a woman!

Music My Never Ending Love — October 24, 2017

Music My Never Ending Love

For as long as I remember

You have always been around

Like a blanket of security

That I can wrap around

I’ve turned to you when happy

You’ve comforted me when sad

You are there for all occasions

For the good times and the bad

Sometimes you know just how I’m feeling

And you reflect that in your voice

You know when I am being playful

And just want to make some noise

You are soulful, you are sexy

Sometimes spiritual and serene

You are raucous, you are raunchy

And nearly everything in-between!

Whatever I have been through

You have been a huge part of

Music, you are my salvation

And my never-ending love

Hugh’s Views and News Photo Challenge: Week 5 . Pair — November 7, 2015

Hugh’s Views and News Photo Challenge: Week 5 . Pair

Hugh is already in his fifth week of the photo challenge he created. I have enjoyed participating in this as it is fun trying to fit the photo to the word, or vice versa! I love the poached eggs on toast  pic on his blog – what a lovely pair!

My entry for this week is much more conventional, being a pair of shoes! However, these are real skyscrapers and something that my niece loves to wear,

I know I am getting older now as I had to jam my poor toes into the narrow shoe and had Mr Grump haul me up! My knee clicked in protest as I rose to the tallest I have ever been in my life, probably about 5ft 8 or 9 as I was even taller than old Grump!

I had to hold onto the door whilst he took the photo as I could barely balance on them let alone walk.No sexy wiggle for me in my heels, more of an arthritic hobble followed by an almighty fall I shouldn’t wonder!

Episode 497: Tuesday Tidbit: Sexting (18+) — September 15, 2015

Episode 497: Tuesday Tidbit: Sexting (18+)

I’m not very good at this sexting

Just not cut out for it at all

For a start I write everything longhand

It would be quicker just to give me a call!

When asked “what are you wearing?”

I reply, “How kind of you to ask”

Just my scruffy old leggings

Instead of a sexy black basque.

I know I need to talk dirty

To get my man in the mood

But my parents’ strict upbringing

Has taught me those words are too rude!

The texts I’m receiving get hotter

Oh Christ, think of something to say

“Yes. I’m massaging my boobs as you asked me

And by the way, how is your day?”

Oh, that’s it. I’m rubbish at this game

I think I just might push my luck

And cut straight to the action

And ask if he fancies a …

Nope! Still can’t do it!

Episode 459: A Bit of Sunday Silliness. — August 16, 2015

Episode 459: A Bit of Sunday Silliness.

I thought I would share something that might make you smile this morning. You may remember some time ago when I posted a clip of my favourite advert featuring Dave and his strut in stiletto heels here

Well, this is what the company has followed it up with. 

Episode 433: Tuesday Titbit. My Top Turn-Offs 18+ — July 28, 2015

Episode 433: Tuesday Titbit. My Top Turn-Offs 18+

I have written in the past  for my Tuesday Tidbit post, about getting  ‘in the mood for getting it on’. Well this week I am going to mention a couple of things (in my opinion). that are likely to kill the mood stone dead.

  • Toe sucking. Yuck, yuck and yuck again! Given my aversion to feet (even my own), this is never going to be top of my list of things to try out in the bedroom. I can think of nothing worse than putting a hairy, yellowing, thick-nailed toe anywhere near my mouth let alone sucking it! Dear God, that sounds more like some form of torture to me (especially if a fungal infection is involved)!
  • Skimpy briefs. These don’t really do it for me at all, and please no, don’t let it be a thong! They look good on absolutely no-one at all! I am not one to be impressed by the ‘posing pouch’ type of underwear, in fact I would probably burst out laughing!
  • Breaking wind. I know some men find it funny, but when in bed with a view to getting a little bit of action, I don’t want to hear anyone ‘parp’ and then get hit with the reek of rotten eggs that has been helpfully wafted in my direction.
  • Trying to skip the starter and head straight for the main course! Like most people, I want the full experience. The kissing, stroking, exploring… building up slowly, taking a bit of time, teasing, that kind of thing, not trying to get stuck in!
  • Rough handling. I do not enjoy clumsy tweaking, prodding and poking before I am  ready to get the party started!

What turns you off in the bedroom?

Episode 415: Tuesday Tidbit. Getting In The Mood. — July 14, 2015

Episode 415: Tuesday Tidbit. Getting In The Mood.

Things are heating up around here as I get ‘in the mood’ for my Tuesday Tidbit post. Speaking of which,  I am interested in knowing what ‘lights your fire’ when it comes to getting ready to get it on. Here are a few of the more obvious ones:

Setting the scene. Most of us are familiar with this old chestnut!  The candle-lit meal, good food, good wine, a bit of Barry White (or whatever floats your boat) playing soft and low. Something sexy for dessert, like strawberries or chocolate or both, that you can feed each other, or just have each other for dessert!

Watching a sexy movie together. Mind you be careful that you don’t go over the top and put on something hardcore that will scare your partner to death, thinking they are going to have a lot to live up to, or it might end up killing the mood! By the same token, a Disney movie is not going to get you very far either (unless of course, that just happens to be your thing)!

Give Each Other A Massage A sensual massage can be a great lead-up to a bit of loving. Hands stroking all over the body discovering all those sensitive little places…let’s hope that no-one is ticklish!

Having a Bath or Shower together.  This can definitely become very steamy; slippery soap, lathering each other up, especially in all those little crevices. Providing no-one burns themselves on the hot tap, or sits on the plug, then bathtime can be lots of fun! Just don’t over-fill it or there could be a bit of a tidal wave with all that motion!

Do any of these get you in the mood, or is it something else entirely?

Episode 406 : Tuesday Tidbit – Euphemisms 18+ — July 7, 2015

Episode 406 : Tuesday Tidbit – Euphemisms 18+

For today’s Tidbit post, I have decided to forego writing a poem as I have done for the previous couple of Tuesdays, and have decided to go for a bit of humour instead. (This heatwave is already far too hot for me to be adding it, by writing anything too raunchy)!

What I thought I would do is write a few of the popular euphemisms for sex that we use. be they coy or coarse, just for a bit of fun!

Rumpy-pumpy, and hanky-panky. – They sound so childish but I do love a rhyme.

Having a bit of ‘how’s your father’ – Very Carry On!

Slap and tickle – This sounds a little on the 50 Shades spectrum if you ask me!

Assault with a friendly weapon – God, how cringeworthy!

Bonking or humping – these just make me laugh.

Shagging – Yeah Baby! Very Austin Powers.

Making looooove – That always seems a bit smarmy to me, and a bit too smooth, very Mills and Boon! (I am more of a Jilly Cooper/Jackie Collins type of girl myself)!!!

Rogering – Very British!

Shafting or screwing – these sound too painful, as well as a bit DIY!

Dipping the wick – Sounds gross!

Which one is your favourite, or is it something totally different?

Episode 398: Tuesday Tidbit: Sex On The Beach! 18+ — June 30, 2015

Episode 398: Tuesday Tidbit: Sex On The Beach! 18+

A scorching hot summer, a handsome young couple

Their bodies glisten with sweat

Hair slicked back, damp from the sea

This beach is where they first met

She lies on her towel enjoying the sunshine

And gives a contented little sigh

He pours out some sunscreen into his hand

And starts smoothing it into her thigh

His circular movements get higher and higher

She is starting to react to his touch

As his hands start to wander

All over her body

She knows that she wants him so much.

He can stand it no longer, his passion is rising

He leads her by the hand to the sea

The cool of the water, does not cool their ardour

And they kiss more and more passionately

They have no one around them, and need to get closer

Each other’s bodies they crave

He removes her bikini and plunges inside her

As they rock to and fro with the waves.

Moaning with pleasure, they climb higher and higher

Until the apex they reach

Then sated and happy they return to the bar

And order A ‘Sex on the Beach!’

Episode 349: More on Wacky Word Wednesday — May 28, 2015
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