Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

#JusJoJan 2018. January 8th Pants — January 8, 2018

#JusJoJan 2018. January 8th Pants

I hope that you are enjoying  Linda’s Just Jot it January posts.  We are starting week two now, but it is not too late for you to join in the fun if you feel like it.

Here is today’s prompt word.

Your prompt for January 8th, 2018, brought to you by the many layered pensitivity, is “Pants.” Use it any way you’d like in your post. And make sure you visit pensitivity at her blog, “pensitivity101” to read her post and say hi! Here’s her link:  https://pensitivity101.wordpress.com/

Pants. Just the sound of that word brings a childish giggle. Silly really as we all wear them, (well, most of us do that don’t go ‘Commando’)! Of course, being British, the type of pants that I am referring to are underwear, panties, knickers, underpants, or whatever else you want to call these undergarments, not trousers!

There seem to be as many different types of pants as there are names for them and, I think many of us women have certain types of pants that we use for different occasions.

  • The thong (with their cheese slicer type string, which cuts in all the wrong places), on the one end of the extreme.
  • The ‘pulling pants,’ you know the lacy scratchy ones that you wear on a night out if you are feeling lucky, they look nice but are as uncomfortable as hell.
  • The ‘time of the month pants.’ The grotty ones that have gone grey in the wash and have loose bits of elastic hanging off, that nobody is going to see.
  • The ‘shapewear pants’. The pull ’em up and tuck everything in kind of knickers that come up to just below your boobs, and sometimes just to the tops of your thigh, the idea is to give a smooth and slim silhouette. Not bloody likely! With my stomach, the fat has to go somewhere and if it is squeezed into a slinky vice-gripped tube, will likely spill out over the top, making it appear as if I have two sets of boobs! Also, the minute you sit down the damn things will slowly start to roll up and gain momentum as the fat flops out. This leads to numerous trips to the loo to sort them out and a great deal of muttering and cursing at the annoyance of them.
  • The ‘Bridget Jones’ or ‘Mummy’ pants. These are a close relation to shapewear above but not as tight usually and only waist-high as opposed to chest high. They are ideal for when a big meal is imminent, and you want a bit of room to fit all of the courses in. It is a good idea to wear these with the elasticated waist trouser or a loose-fitting dress. Might be a bit of a passion killer though if you are out on the pull!
  • The bloomers.  I know nobody wears these anymore but I couldn’t resist including them. My Nan used to wear these and they came right down to her knees where they were elasticated. There was plenty of room for manoeuvre, and with a pair of ‘stays’ on top, not only would they keep you warm, but also keep young ladies chaste as it would take ages to get that lot off!
  • The ‘work pants.’ These do not need much explanation; they are the comfy, colourful knickers that are normally (in my case) part of a pack of five or even seven that will do for everyday wear. They will not show you up if you get run over by a bus (does anyone else’s Mum ever say that you need to be wearing clean knickers in case you get run over by a bus)?

Now, I wasn’t going to write about men’s undercrackers but I felt it would be mean to leave them out, so although I have no personal experience of wearing them, it won’t stop me from commenting on what I think of them!

  • The thong or if you prefer the ‘posing pouch’. YUCK! I am sorry, but not many people look good in a thong and certainly not men! I am sure they are just as uncomfy for men as they are for women too!
  • The briefs or ‘budgie smugglers.’ Again, in my opinion, they are not that flattering either. They conjure up images in my mind of the type of thing an oiled up bodybuilder wears with massive shoulders and legs, but not much in the trouser department if you know what I mean! ‘Budgie smugglers is overly generous.
  • The ‘Y fronts.’ Have you ever seen such ugly undies?! They seem to come in a high-waisted plain white colour that your grandad wouldn’t be seen dead in, or a really lairy paisley or garish pattern in vomit-inducing lurid colours. Definitely a passion killer!
  • The boxer shorts. These are in my opinion, the best of the lot. There are the loose, hang free type, or the rather snugger, show off the lunchbox, type of affair. You can probably guess which ones I prefer!

Sorry if this post hits a bum note with anyone!

Sugar and Spice, Being a Woman is Nice! — November 1, 2017

Sugar and Spice, Being a Woman is Nice!

There seems to be an expectation that a woman should look nice all the time. Yes, that is all well and good, but for me, even if I start off looking nice it doesn’t last long. My hair will get knotty and become more and more kinked as the day goes on; if I am wearing makeup, I will inevitably forget and rub my eye or something, thereby smudging mascara halfway down my face, and end up looking like something out of a horror show.

If I wear heels, it is a disaster waiting to happen. However, it does not stop me as they are so elegant – only not when you go over on the side of the shoe, or get the heel caught in a grate, carry on walking to find you a bit lop-sided and minus a shoe. Worse still, there never seems to be any grip on a pair of heels, and if there is a slippery surface, God help me! The very least I will do is skate and skid for a bit, but more often than not,  end up in a heap on the floor, dazed, legs akimbo, and knickers on show to all and sundry!

All that is when I do make an effort. There are many times when I do not wear make-up. I must frighten people (especially the patients when I am at work) with my pale, pasty skin, and dark circles under my eyes. I also have a ‘determined’ kind of a walk. I can’t help it, but I have shoulders like an American Football player, and someone once referred to me as ‘stocky’! How bloody rude, stocky! Anyway, although I  am short, I probably look a dreadful fright if I were approaching someone from the opposite direction, barging my way forward, ghostly pale, with my Medusa-style hair flying about!

At least we can wear high heels though if we want to, They can make us look taller, our legs look longer and slimmer, and give us a sexy ‘wiggle’ in our walk (well for some women they can). Poor old men dip out a bit here. Especially as some men still feel a bit uncomfortable if they are shorter than their female partner. Now, unless they have got the flair to pull off a high-heeled boot like Prince used to, or Simon Cowell still does, or wear ‘lifts’ in their shoes like Tom Cruise, then they are just going to have to lump it, or stand on a box when being photographed!

Likewise corsets body shapers, Spanx etc.  A woman can try to hide a few inches or look a bit slimmer by cramming our flesh into instruments of torture, or rather, specially made underwear that is designed to flatter the figure, (even if cutting off the circulation).We also have the uplift bras, and chicken fillet things that ‘enhance’ our boobs, while men don’t have that luxury; the best a man can hope to do is shove a shock down his underpants or something. A word of warning here though, there is no point is wearing all this stuff if you are out on the pull because there is going to be a lot of disappointment later on when you unleash the flab and reveal the fried eggs and – well, you get the picture!

However, being a woman does have some advantages… I have, on more than one occasion (more so when younger) acted ‘The Dumb Blonde’ in order to get some help. My friend used to have this really old banger of a car, which broke down more often than it actually went. Many is the time I have had to get out and try to bump start it, or we would open the bonnet and look helplessly inside (none of us knew what we were looking for). I have not refused help if some kindly gentleman has seen us and offered to help push or see if he could work out what the problem is, Thinking about it, I didn’t have to act the dumb blonde, I was one! (As far as cars are concerned at least).

I do love being a woman!

Mr Grump’s Brand New Boxers! — September 19, 2015

Mr Grump’s Brand New Boxers!

Poor old Mr Grump, he is not exactly a trendsetter, well neither am I for that matter! It is just as well really as Miss Hap has decided that she likes to wear only stuff that is made by the ‘right’ brand, which I touched on in this post.

The one ‘trend’ that I can’t stand is when young men wear their trousers around their hips and have half of their arse hanging out! Of course, they have nearly always got a waistband of a pair of Calvin Klein boxers poking out over the top. Presumably, this is the go-to boxer of choice for the young of today. Well, each to their own, but I don’t want to see them, and I have to almost restrain myself from telling them to ‘pull your bloody trousers up’ and have in fact, mentioned to my nephew that perhaps he might need a belt to keep them up!

Anyway, a long- standing joke between myself and Mr Grump is that I always moan about the price of boxer shorts, and he normally gets a three pair pack once a year (if I am feeling generous, after all, it is not even Christmas or birthdays when he gets them, it is extra).

About a week ago, we were doing a bit of grocery shopping in Lidl (a cut price German Supermarket), when I saw a pack of 3 boxers. I checked out the price and they were a couple of quid cheaper than we normally pay, so I (begrudgingly) bought him some.

I did laugh as a day or two later he was standing by our back door, and I happened to notice that his trousers had slipped down a little (this was more by accident than design). Not for him the fancy brand name on his underpants oh no, his were proudly displaying ‘Casual Basics’ on the waistband!

That says it all really!

Episode 380: Heading South — June 18, 2015

Episode 380: Heading South

I just had to share this little story with you. At work this morning I was introduced to another new patient that had come to the ward yesterday whilst I was on a day off. She is a lovely, smiley lady but is in quite a bit of pain, not only from a painful hip but also a chronic itchy skin condition that covered her whole body.

Anyway, once I had washed her and slathered her in cream, it was time to get her up to sit out on her chair for a while. I had got her nightie on no problem whilst she was in bed and her knickers half on. I decided I would pull them up when she stood up as it was easier.

She eventually managed to stand up and I fussed around her, straightening her nightie and pulling up her pants. I asked her if she was ready to walk to the chair now with her frame; she looked up at me, smiled and said,

“You have tucked my tits in my knickers, love, they droop a bit as you get older! “

Episode 214: Imitation Is The Best Form of Flattery? — March 11, 2015

Episode 214: Imitation Is The Best Form of Flattery?

Many of us have seen something advertised, or admired something that  a famous person has worn and wondered where we could get one. Now a lot of us don’t really have the budget to spend large amounts of money on the ‘designer’ version, so if we see a cheaper one we jump at it. We never learn do we?!

Now, eBay and Amazon very often have things that are similar in style to the original, but you really do have to be realistic about your expectations! For a start the materials used in the knock-off version may be a lot cheaper; fabric may be thinner and not hold its shape, or maybe it is a little more transparent than the original.

We all know that ‘you get what you pay for’. However, I did feel a bit sorry for one poor woman. She ordered a dress that was worn by an actress which was pretty revealing. Now this actress no doubt had access to stylists as well to help her look her best. The woman who bought  the dress which was advertised as ‘soft, comfortable and breathable’ could not wait for it to be delivered.

As soon as it arrived she got straight into it. Being the type of dress it was, no underwear was required as it would spoil the look, but the buyer decided that pink slippers would be a wonderful accessory to showcase the outfit to the best advantage.

She must have been thrilled with how it looked as she immediately posted some pictures of herself on the seller’s website. I admire her, she is one brave woman!

Episode 161: Fashion? You Could Have Fooled Me! — February 13, 2015

Episode 161: Fashion? You Could Have Fooled Me!

I don’t usually like to write about celebrities as we get to hear enough about them as it is, but I just had to mention Kanye West’s ‘fashion’ show to see whether it was just me that was getting old and past it…..

From what I understand, Mr West has teamed up with Adidas and come up with a range of ‘clothing’ (that term is used very loosely) which was shown off at New York Fashion Week. So proud was Kim Kardashian of her husband that she allowed him to ‘dress’ her (I know they have minions to do everything for them but really…) in one of his outfits.

The thing is…it looks like she has forgotten to put her clothes on! The whole thing looks like rather unsexy underwear, Why would you want to wear a sports bra. granny knickers and long johns as outer wear?! Oh I forgot, she has a lovely camouflage jacket over the top, presumably to give everything that ‘urban’ look or something.

The models were the most miserable looking bunch I have seen for a long time! Most of them  had on what looked like the gusset of a pair of tights on their heads. Why? Were they going off to rob a bank or something afterwards? (Perhaps to rustle up a bit of cash to buy some proper clothes).

They too had on sports bras, body stockings, pop socks and Bridget Jones’ pants all layered and mismatched. It was quite an ugly spectacle to behold. No wonder poor little North kicked off and had to be carried out!

Am I missing something and just an old fuddy-duddy?

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