Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Blogging From A-Z Challenge: ‘F’ — April 7, 2015

Blogging From A-Z Challenge: ‘F’

As the end of week one draws to a close for the Blogging From A-Z Challenge we find ourselves at the letter ‘F.’ Now there are a few words that I could do for this letter, but they would not be very polite, so I am going to opt for the beautifully sounding flummoxed.

Now this word is mystifying in a kind of ‘what’s going on?’ type of way. It is the vacant expressioned bamboozled look of someone totally discombobulated! It is the blank face of bafflement, the perplexed  look of puzzlement.

This word is for when you haven’t got a clue, The shrugged shoulders when you realise that something has just gone way over your head, and is way beyond your grasp! A bit like the feeling you get when reading one of my posts!

Episode 273: As Clear As Mud! — April 6, 2015

Episode 273: As Clear As Mud!

Everybody loves a cliché. There seems to be one for every occasion; some words of wisdom that convey a message or moral. Given my love for words, as well as for the  silly and unusual, I thought I would have a look at a few of my favourites.

  • All that glitters is not gold. Now I love a bit of sparkle, and like to wear a bit of bling when I am not at work, and yes it is real gold (I prefer the white variety though). However I also like sparkly nail varnishes and eye shadow as well. Glittery hair clips and sequined tops are very pretty also. I don’t think they would have quite the appeal if they were made of real gold though, Not only would I be scared to go out of the door wearing a fortune, but it would be bloody heavy to carry it around!
  • Don’t get your knickers in a twist. This one is quite amusing, I do get myself agitated at times but it is not because my knickers are all twisted up. Having said that, I remember once putting them on side-ways on! I don’t quite know how I managed that, but I was not very comfy.
  • They must have hit every branch falling out of the ugly tree. This is pretty cruel as people can’t help the way they look. Just recently Mr Grump was told by a colleague that his new boss was not blessed in the looks department, and this cliché was used. He did confirm it to be true when he actually met her, but he doesn’t care about that. The fact that she is doing a great job and is a lovely person is what matters to him.
  • Tickled pink. This expression conveys delight and happiness however not for me it doesn’t. Well not in the literal sense anyway. I HATE being tickled. It just makes me squirm and cringe as I find it extremely unpleasant. I might have mentioned before that I hate feet as well. If my feet are tickled I will kick out! So this expression of being ‘tickled pink’ for me would have to be changed to ‘tickled purple’ and it would be used to convey rage not happiness!
  • The cat’s whiskers or my personal favourite, the dog’s bollocks. These mean the same thing which is to be envied or admired. You know when you have a snazzy new outfit and you think you are ‘the cat’s whiskers.’ Or perhaps a bloke has got some new Playstation game of something, which his mates think is the ‘dog’s bollocks.’ God knows where these expressions come from but I do not see what is so wonderful about some facial hair or testicles for that matter, maybe we should combine the two to get ‘hairy bollocks’ or something? Nope! That doesn’t cut it either!

I think clichés are under-appreciated really. We are all told to be original and not to use them, but perhaps if we dig out some of the lesser-used ones and give the, an airing once more, it will brighten things up a bit!

Blogging From A-Z Challenge: ‘E’ —

Blogging From A-Z Challenge: ‘E’

As it is nearly Easter, it would have been so handy to have chosen that word for my Blogging from A-Z Challenge post. However, there is a much better word that I think suits me perfectly.

Let me present to you my word, eccentric. This word is the mad professor, blowing up things in his shed as he perfects his inventions;  the crazy old girl who trots about in multi-coloured clothes and unruly hair, who has about 100 cats!

What about the elderly gent that still likes to wear a top hat and tails whilst doing his weekly shopping? Maybe he lives next door to a rosy-cheeked grandma that has a load of dollies that she treats as her children, dressing them up and holding tea parties for them.

It is peculiar in its nuttiness, unconventional and odd. It is what I aspire to be when I get old.

Yes, eccentric seems to be mainly applied to the ‘more mature’ person. Presumably. it takes time to perfect the art.

I am working on it!

Episode 269: Mixing Business With Pleasure! — April 4, 2015

Episode 269: Mixing Business With Pleasure!

Looking for love can be quite a daunting task. Some people prefer the more traditional methods such as going out to pubs, clubs and other places hoping to get lucky and meet that special person. Some rely on friends to fix them up with someone who they know, and arrange a kind of ‘blind date’ scenario.

Other people go for the more modern approach, internet dating being the most popular. There are many websites now that are dedicated for the sole purpose of finding your soul mate. Some might be a bit pricey though and put people off.

Now, you might want to use your initiative and find your own way of attracting your perfect partner. It all depends what you are looking for in your life-long lover, as to how you go about it,

So you have to admire a builder who decided that he would take matters into his own hands to find romance. Actually, he needed an apprentice as well to teach them his trade so that they could help him at work. He had a sudden brain wave to combine the two! Why waste time on writing out separate ads when you can get both for the price of one!

Now this man (called John) did not have a list of qualities, traits or preferences for his potential paramour, no indeed! As long as they were female and between the ages of 30-40 that would do for him! What would he offer in return?

A ‘craft that would change your life!’ Now there’s an offer  you can’t refuse! Whether your life would be changed for the better or not was not stipulated, as John is a man of very few words, and even fewer emotions it seems. although no-one could doubt the fact that he is obviously extremely practical and economical.

It would be wonderful if John found himself the apprentice/partner/lover that he wanted, but I am not holding out much hope!

Episode 266: Ferry Good Advice! — March 31, 2015

Episode 266: Ferry Good Advice!

I have just seen the funniest safety advice video, which has really brightened up my evening! Condor Ferries wanted to get their message across in a way that would appeal to all members of the family, and they decided that the best way to do this would be a rap!

The Captain and two of his ‘crew’ have set their rap to the tune of ‘Good Times’ by Chic. (Well it is kind of). The appalling dancing, mis-timed words and cheesy grins only adds to the appeal of this for me!

One of the lines refers to ensuring a clufe jacket is on properly and goes something like…

‘..just listen for the click

Then you know you have it on properly

And you’re looking rather hip!’

I can think of a better rhyme for what they look like in those life jackets but it would not be kind, and apparently, a lot of work has gone into the concept of this safety video. It even has some snazzy graphics for your entertainment,

Anyway, without further adom I present to you ‘Good Times’ by the Condor Ferries Crew.

Episode 260: Is That 20 inch Waist Real? Corset is! — March 28, 2015

Episode 260: Is That 20 inch Waist Real? Corset is!

One of the problems that I have with my figure is my waist (or lack of). Apart from the healthy eating regime I am trying to stick to, I have also taken up hula-hooping (thanks to my blogging pal Ritu), in the hope that I might be able to whittle my waist into some sort of shape.

A young woman from Venezuela however, had trained her waist down to a mere 20 inches! She has done this by wearing a corset for 23 hours a day, over the last six years. Apparently, although it was uncomfortable to begin with, she now loves the feel of the ‘pressure’ at her waist, and has no trouble sleeping in it!

She has had a few bit of plastic surgery as well to …ahem… enhance some of her other assets, and a bit of liposuction in her thighs, but the waist cinching is down to the corset and also eating healthily and exercise.

She is very proud of her hourglass shape and loves the attention that it brings her wherever she goes. In fact she would like to become famous because of her figure. and despite doctors warning her that this extreme corset wearing could damage her body in later life, is determined to keep wearing it.

I have to say, as much as I would love a waist, I think this woman looks a little unusual having such a small waist in comparison to the rest of her.

Do you think she is sexy or scary?

Episode 251: Hacked Off! — March 25, 2015

Episode 251: Hacked Off!

Isn’t it great how schools now have got with the times, make the most of the latest technology and have Twitter accounts etc. I am constantly checking on my daughter’s progress via the school website. I can read all her school reports (they can’t get ‘lost’ like mine did at times), I can see whether or not she is late for any of her lessons (she has been several times, as she never feels the need to hurry grrrrrrrrrr) and can look at how many positive events she has (lots actually which I am very proud about).

Anyway,I remember that just before she started the school, their website got hacked and some rather dodgy ‘glamour’ models appeared on it instead, advertising certain services that the school would not encourage in their young ladies!

Well, it got sorted, but now a similar hoo-ha has broken out over another school’s Twitter account. Someone has decided that their headmaster would look pretty good in a fetching pair of tight underpants, with a few macho tattoos to show off, so they superimposed his head onto a fit, muscular male body and wrote a caption congratulating the head on his new contract with an Adult Entertainment site!

This has not gone down well (if you, ahem pardon the pun) with the school or some of the parents! Apparently they have shut it down whilst enquiries are being made to try to discover the culprit(s).

It has been suggested though that the school’s IT department be praised if indeed a pupil is found to have been the perpetrator, due to their superior hacking skills!

Episode 246: ‘You Dirty Rat!’ — March 24, 2015

Episode 246: ‘You Dirty Rat!’

One young man was feeling a bit fed-up on Valentine’s Day as he didn’t have a date. He decided to treat himself to dinner and headed for a local restaurant. However, this tightwad decided that he wasn’t going to pay for his meal, and tried out his master plan on the unsuspecting owner.

As he was nearing the end of his meal, the skinflint jumped up from his table shouting that he had seen a rat. This news pretty quickly cleared out the other diners as well (except for one cool dude who didn’t seem at all perturbed, either that or he was very hungry and was not leaving his food) and the owner went over to see what was going on.

The cheap skate explained what he had seen, and asked the owner for a full refund due to the rat-infested conditions, which the owner duly paid him. However, when pest control were called out to sort out the problem (pretty swiftly) they soon caught on to what had happened…

There was indeed a rat in the restaurant, but it was a domesticated one! The reason they could tell this apparently was that the rat had recently had a haircut! (Who gives rats a haircut, am I missing something here)?

Checking back over the CCTV footage seemed to confirm the moment when the pathetic penny-pincher reached into his pocket to release the rat. He has since got himself a criminal record for the sake of a £7.25 meal! He also had to pay £60 victim surcharge to the furious restaurant owner, who apparently though the sentence far too lenient and that the ‘death penalty’ was more in order!

Episode 241: Banned For Dangerous Driving….A Mobility Scooter! — March 22, 2015

Episode 241: Banned For Dangerous Driving….A Mobility Scooter!

There are not many of us that actually enjoy doing the dreaded supermarket shop. Having said that, how would you feel if you were banned from an entire supermarket chain and threatened with the police if you should dare to enter?

This is what has happened to one 80 year-old pensioner. He had only popped out for a packet of cigarettes at his nearest Sainsbury’s on his mobility scooter when disaster struck! He ended up bashing into a female customer after paying for his purchase and knocking her down. The paramedics were called and the unlucky lady was taken to hospital.

The poor old pensioner was pretty upset by the whole incident, but things became worse about a week later when he received a letter from Sainsbury’s . He was told that die to the ‘incident’ he would be banned from every single Sainsbury’s store in the country (about 1700 of them). He was threatened that if he did enter a store, then he would be guilty of trespass and the police would be called.

This gentleman had already apologised profusely for the accident, and the lady was not actually injured in the event; It has now knocked his confidence as well. Whereas in his younger days he had been a truck driver, plus he had never had an accident before on his scooter, he now feels like some kind of criminal!

His daughter is also angry at the decision to ban her father from the stores,, and thinks the whole thing is a ridiculous overreaction. She also wonders how they are actually going to enforce the ban. Do they have ANPR (Automatic Number Plate Recognition) cameras for mobility scooters I wonder?!

Episode 236: Snotty Sneezes, Sets off Smacker! — March 21, 2015

Episode 236: Snotty Sneezes, Sets off Smacker!

We all get the sniffles sometimes. Occasionally a sneeze comes out of nowhere and can be quite startling to those around who were not expecting a snotty explosion, and the accompanying ATTTTTISHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!  Just this morning, as i was sound asleep, both me and the dog were awoken by Mr Grump letting rip an almighty sneeze!

For most of us, it is a minor annoyance when someone dares to disturb our peace by letting out an unfettered sneeze, however, one middle-aged man in the north of england, has taken offence by these sniffy snufflers and has taken to whacking them around the head!

Maybe he has some sort of germ phobia, or perhaps he is sensitive to sudden outbursts of noise, but either way, he is taking things a little bit far here. He is not shy in letting his disapproval be known either. He clouted the first middle-aged victim in the middle of Carlisle city centre when she inadvertently sneezed in the middle of shopping. He then disappeared before she had realised what had hit her (literally in this case)!

The other poor victim was an elderly lady who got smacked around the head when she too let out an unexpected sneeze. She was pretty upset and shaken, and again, the weird whacker had disappeared before anyone could do anything.

Th police are now calling for witnesses and are desperately trying to catch this nasty nutter before he does it again. After all, spring is just around the corner, and not only are people still likely to be suffering from the usual colds, but hay fever could well be added to the nix, thereby doubling the list of potential victims!

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