Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 158: W.I. Goes 50 Shades Greyer!! — February 11, 2015

Episode 158: W.I. Goes 50 Shades Greyer!!

With all the fuss about ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ around at the moment, it is no surprise that many have jumped on the bandwagon due to the massive amount of publicity it has generated. However, there has been a bit of a fuss over a group of women that nobody would have expected would be interested in this steamy story…

The good old Women’ s Institute  (WI) are just about to celebrate their centenary in 2015, and are a very well-respected institution. It was originally set up during the First World War as a way for women in rural areas to join together in producing food.

Its members are mostly older women who have retired, but it is just starting to become popular with younger ladies. They are known for their jam and chutney making as well as delicious home-made cakes. They are normally pillars of society. and whenever there is a church fete, jumble sale or school fayre, you can normally find these ladies serving teas and coffees with an assortment of biscuits, cakes and scones.

They did cause a bit of a fuss a few years ago when they produced a naked calendar in order to raise money for cancer (They are prolific fundraisers for many charities). It became so popular that the film ‘Calendar Girls’ was based on their story.

Anyway, some of these ladies belong to a writing club based in a small country town. They had already discussed ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and decided that they would like to have a go at writing something raunchy themselves. So they did!

They were producing their own small book made up of short stories covering different topics such as crime,  and adventure etc, but the final chapter was to be a ‘bodice ripper’ (us Brits do love a euphemism). Most of the members were up for having a go at writing the….climax of the book, and a winner would be chosen from the submitted entries.

The person who actually did win was a little coy, and did not want her identity disclosed as she thought her ‘gran would be furious’ (must be one of the younger members then)! Anyway. the chapter was pretty explicit and had to be rated XXX as well as an advisory given (probably so as not to excite the older readers too much).

It has had a bit of a mixed reception so far. Some people are rather shocked that the WI ‘would be involved with such smut’ and others were surprised ‘they had the nerve to print it due to some of the language involved.’

Of course the proceeds from the sale of the book are going to the local hospital for the treatment of cancer, and quite a few of the locals are only to happy to buy the book for the cause (not to mention the racy bits).

I know which book I would rather read!!

Episode 157: Is Plastic Fantastic, Or Real The Big Deal? —

Episode 157: Is Plastic Fantastic, Or Real The Big Deal?

Quite a lot of my posts are to do with getting older or rather the effects of aging. The lines, wrinkles, thickening waistline (this is probably more to do with my love of food), greying hair and so on. It is a bit of a struggle for me trying to cling on to what bit of youth I have left, and disguising the more obvious signs that age is creeping up on me.

Some people however.  have  more drastic approach to defying the aging process and resort to a little ‘nip and tuck’ here and there or other little enhancements to approve their appearance (or not as the case may be).

We have all seen the expressionless faces of those that have had Botox. It does seem a good idea in theory. After all, who wouldn’t want to have someone inject a potentially lethal, highly toxic substance into your face in order to paralyze your facial muscles? You will be left with a lovely smooth and wrinkle free forehead. even if a little vacant!

Sticking with the needle theme, what about those collagen lip enhancements, or the ‘trout pout’ as it is affectionately known? Now I am a woman who is seriously lacking in the lip department, being given, only the skinniest of lips. However, I am pretty much a huge wimp and the thought of my lips being injected with some sort of ‘filler’ (that in itself sounds dodgy, I’m thinking of stuff used when decorating to fill the cracks in the walls) gives me the creeps.

What if it sets to be rock hard? No-one is going to want to kiss that. Or even worse, what if it goes all lumpy? Yuck how hideous! How can anyone talk properly with outsized lips? I will be grateful for what I have got in this instance, secure in the knowledge that I least I don’t need to spend so much on lipstick!

Now we move on to actually going ‘under the knife? I am terrified of operations and would never volunteer myself willing for one. Yes I would love to have bigger boobs but they don’t always turn out that good anyway. I have seen women who has one boob markedly bigger than the other. Plus some of them really look they have been inflated, and are about to pop! Plus you must get little scars as well which can’t be very nice.

As for facelifts, the people who get these done are really brave (or incredibly mad). Have you seen what they do in the operating theatre? Oh my God! What about the state you are left in afterwards whilst it heals. Black eyes and swollen features, not very pleasant. Yes it might knock a few years off. but it is my understanding that they have to be re-done after a certain period of time! Sod that!

We have all seen examples of when plastic surgery has gone dreadfully wrong. There are many celebrities for example, that have had multiple surgeries but who look awful for it. What I don’t understand is, why do those plastic surgeons carry out some of the crazy procedures they are asked for? Don’t they get struck off when they make a dreadful mess of someone? Don’t some of them have a conscience?

I know that plastic surgery has its place and rightly so. It is invaluable for those that have had serious accidents, burns, birth defects and other problems. I think in those cases it is absolutely wonderful, and has made a huge positive impact on people’s lives. However, plastic surgery just for the sake of vanity I am not so sure.

Would you age naturally, or get a little help to stave off the inevitable?

Episode 156: Love Is In The Air…. — February 10, 2015

Episode 156: Love Is In The Air….

With Valentine’s Day looming ever closer, some single people are trying to make themselves a little more appealing in order that perhaps they might find a bit of romance for the big night!

It doesn’t matter how old you are, we all like to feel that we have still got some sort of physical attraction left in us, even if it is a little past its sell by date, and needs a bit  of perking up.

One of my old ladies is 100 years old. Up until now she has lived at home with just a couple of visits from carers during the day. She can walk out to the loo with her Zimmer frame, but occasionally gets lost on the way back to her bed area,

On Saturday, I noticed that she had done a detour back from the loo and was talking to our male charge nurse at the nurse’s station. After a while I walked back to her bed with her and teased her about chatting up the men,

“Oh you don’t have to be jealous dear, at my age you take what you can get!” It had brightened her day talking to him for a while. I don’t suppose she gets to see many men, and she obviously enjoys their company. Whilst in hospital she is making the most of it; I know she loves it when the young male physio comes to see her.

One poor 82-year-old woman is not so lucky with attracting a man, and apparently decided to do something about it. She went into a pharmacy and helped herself to a ‘Sexiest Fantasies’ bottle of perfume. Now she might have already got a man for all we know, and with the release of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ may have decided to squirt a bit of that on before indulging in God know what with her partner!

Somehow I don’t think so, and unfortunately she was caught as she left the store, and ended up giving it back, and getting arrested for her sauce! I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for her, as the perfume promised that it was ‘as addictive and seductive as the woman that wears it’. She wanted to bring out her inner ‘sex goddess’ but got thwarted before she could even get started!

It just goes to show that no matter how old you are there is still a bit of room left for romance, even though it may end up being just a fantasy!

Episode 155: Nasty ‘Pizza’ Work! —

Episode 155: Nasty ‘Pizza’ Work!

Oh I love Social Networking, it is great to catch up with news on Facebook of friends you haven’t seen for years; It’s fantastic to stay in touch with family that live far away. It seems to be the perfect way to end a relationship as well! We have all heard of those poor unfortunate souls who were ‘in a relationship’ one minute, and then found out that their other half has suddenly become ‘single’.

Why bother with long drawn out discussions of ‘it’s not you,it’s me’ and ‘I think we should have a little break’ when you can just do away with the whole relationship in a click of the mouse!

Another advantage of social media sites is the open party invitation. How many have heard horror stories of teenagers being left alone for the weekend by trusting parents, only to come home Sunday afternoon to virtually no house left. and a teenager with an ASBO?(Anti-Social Behaviour Order).

I am still not that great with Twitter, but even I understand there are some things which are better not plastered all across the Internet for all to see. There is one young lady though who apparently hasn’t grasped this concept, and managed to get herself into a spot of bother.

She had recently applied and had been accepted for a job working in a pizza restaurant. As is the norm with most young people, she wanted to share her news, so decided to Tweet about it.  It turned out though that she was not overly excited about her new job and her words were, ‘Ew I start this f**k ass job tomorrow’.

Now this might have impressed all her trendy mates, but unfortunately, someone at the restaurant saw the tweet and told the boss. He understandably, took exception to her description of the job and her lacklustre attitude and promptly did a little tweet of his own. He fired her!

She then actually phoned the pizza place to confirm this. as she couldn’t believe it! Apparently. although she missed out on free pizza and a cushy job, she wasn’t bothered. She sent the boss a little cartoon pic of her with lots of money. I bet someone who  really needed that job was pleased that there are some silly people around!

Episode 154: Shaving Off A Few Years! — February 9, 2015

Episode 154: Shaving Off A Few Years!

One of the things I have moaned about when getting older, is the appearance of facial hair. For some reason, whiskers start sprouting on the chin, and upper lip. Not only that, they are course and thick, and the worst thing of all, they are grey! It is a problem that women are keen to tackle, but coy to talk about….not any more!

Apparently the way to deal with these pesky hairs is not to wax, or pluck (OUCH! Have you ever tried plucking them)?, oh no… just shave them off! That’s right, you did read it correctly, SHAVE them off!

Now, I have to say, I kind of get it when you reach a certain age. I know that some of my old ladies have asked me to give them a shave when their whiskers get a bit long and of course, I oblige  –  but they are in their 80s. They are not shy about slapping on a bit of shaving foam and hacking away with a disposable razor (or trusting me to do it).

There has even been some talk by the owner of a London Beauty Clinic that it can help to reduce the signs of aging! Apparently, the act of shaving itself causes some abrasion to the skin, which stimulates collagen production thereby reducing the appearance of lines and wrinkles! Make of that what you will!

Another benefit of course is that shaving is cheap!No expensive treatments for hair removal, or waxing . Oh no, just a tin of foam and a pack of disposable razors and Bob’s your uncle! If you have a man around, so much the better, you can nick his stuff!

As for that old worry that hair grows back thicker and darker once shaved, that is not true either. The same London beauty clinic (do you think they have got a sideline selling shaving equipment for ladies)? are insistent that cutting the hair off above the root will not make it grow back thicker.

This is a trend that is apparently catching on and sales of shaving products designed for ladies that want to shave their faces is being ‘rushed into the shops’!

Not sure I will be rushing out to buy it. After all, I have already missed the boat and have wrinkles!

Should women shave their faces?

Episode 153: Sub Standard Breakfast! —

Episode 153: Sub Standard Breakfast!

Mr Grump is in the doghouse today! Usually. he is not a very big eater; in fact,  he is one of those annoying people who rarely feels hungry. On more than one occasion he has come home from work in the afternoon with all of his lunch left, as he didn’t get time to eat it! He rarely eats breakfast either; totally opposite of me…..

This morning I had an appointment at my doctor’s surgery to get a blood test. The appointment was for 9am and I had  to have fasted from 10pm the night before, with the exception of being able to drink water. This was to test my blood glucose levels again as they want to be sure  of a diabetes diagnosis.

With Miss Hap off to school, Mr Grump and I set off for the 30 minute walk. It was freezing this morning, dank and dreary, a stark contrast from the lovely walk yesterday, but needs must and I hardly complained at all that I was hungry and thirsty throughout the journey.

After being in there for 2 minutes, it was time to walk back home. Mr Grump had got some Subway vouchers which he had brought with him and suggested we stop off there on he way back for some breakfast. I was not going to argue about that as I was rather peckish, plus we rarely eat there so it would make a change. (Actually having take-away food twice in one week is unheard of for us).

So I quickened my pace. and in no time we arrived, I flicked through the vouchers and saw that we had a good deal on 2 breakfast subs. Sounded good to me so I ordered that. I watched him as he got out a nice long sub…..then cut it in half! My face fell as I realised that the offer was for  6 inch subs not the foot long one, Oh well, never mind. I will eat Mr Grump’s as he won’t want it.

Oh but he did, He never has breakfast, is not even bothered about lunch, but today as I put the tray down on the table, he snatched up one of the subs and started tucking in! Not a thought for poor old me that had only had half a glass of water for breakfast, before a 30 minute hike, with no sustenance inside me to keep me warm (forget the fact that I am pretty well-padded, having more of a voluptuous figure)!

As we walked home, clutching our take-away coffees, I asked him if he was particularly hungry this morning,

“No, you could have had mine”. Well, how selfish can you get? He wasn’t even hungry but he still ate it, even though I needed it!

Episode 152: Disco Boy Dance Off. — February 8, 2015

Episode 152: Disco Boy Dance Off.

Oh I am so disappointed! I missed out an a prank carried out not too far away from where I live,  which is right up my street!

A local man decided to liven up a cold and dreary Saturday by turning up at his local Supermarket wearing nothing but a pair of rather unflattering purple shorts and one of those fleecy hats with the ear flaps.

The reason for his visit? He wanted to get the shoppers dancing, He had  trundled in a large sound system with a miniature disco ball which projected coloured lights, and set himself up in one of the aisles.

He was just drawing a bit of a crowd with UB40 and Paco Banton blaring out ‘Baby Come Back’ to get them warmed up when a grumpy looking Security Guard approached him.

Undeterred, he whipped out his microphone and asked to be left alone to get on with the show. This was not going to happen, he was asked to leave the store. Despite his protestations, to leave his stuff alone, the Security Guard was getting ready to manhandle ‘DiscoBoy (as he likes to be known) and his gear out.

Defeated, DiscoBoy left the building, and it was back to business as usual. What a shame. He didn’t even get to show off his dance moves!

I think they should have left him alone for a while to cheer people up…what about you?

Disco Boy in action

Episode 151: A Wintry Walk… —

Episode 151: A Wintry Walk…

There’s nothing like a nice brisk walk on a chilly, but dry Sunday morning, especially when you have no choice!

I have still not got my car back (apparently I should get it tomorrow) from the ‘mad professor, so am not in a very good mood; particularly as I forked out a small fortune to get to work yesterday. In our wisdom, myself and Mr Grump decided that we only needed one car between us as he has the use of the work van during the week, and as I only work part-time, my car will be there most of the time anyway for when he is not. In a nutshell, it means we are vehicle less at the moment!

Anyway. we needed some shopping so decided to do the Supermarket walk again. After all, it is a nice walk, and there are not many busses running on a Sunday even if we knew which one to catch, Miss Hap decided that she was going to see Nanny for her Sunday roast (we have one too but Nan’s is better of course) so it would just be the two of us going,

We wrapped up against the cold and set off, blister plasters in place where I had rubbed my heel raw two days earlier on another walk. Actually I need the exercise and the fresh air (I have been a bit of a hermit lately apart from going to work).

Last week, when we did it, Miss Hap was zigzagging in front of me as we walked, so I spent a lot of time trying not to trip over her, and it seemed to take ages to get there. I hadn’t been in the Supermarket 10 minutes before I had a bit of a ‘funny turn’ and came over all hot and shaky. Luckily there is a cafe there, much to my daughter’s delight so after a bit of sustenance I felt as good as new. Typically for me, food sorted me out!

About halfway through the journey there is a business park where we cut through, which is home to a couple of hotels, the cinema, and a load of fast food places and restaurants. This made me realise that I hadn’t had breakfast, and Mr Grump not wanting a repeat performance of last week insisted that we get something to eat. What a bonus. That perked up the ‘healthy’ walk for me no end.

The walk back was very pleasant as well. We didn’t weigh ourselves down with too many bags this time, and I enjoyed being out, surrounded by trees and leaves,  A lonely little squirrel was running around from tree to tree and I thought it would be great to get a photo of him. Needless to say by the time I fumbled about, it had gone. I did manage to get a picture of him eventually though.

It has been a pain not having my car, but at least it has meant that I have noticed more of my actual surroundings, and have appreciated it….It really is the simple things that bring a lot of pleasure.

Squirrel

Episode 150: Daffodils Can Make You Ill!!! — February 7, 2015

Episode 150: Daffodils Can Make You Ill!!!

What’s the difference between a daffodil and an onion? No I haven’t gone off my rocker (Well, no more than usual) but apparently there are some people who do not know the difference. It has been taken so seriously that Public Health England (PHE) have become involved.

This story actually made it on to the BBC news this morning, It is beyond belief that Supermarkets have been advised to stop displaying daffodils near to the vegetable section. Apparently, some poor souls  mistake the bulbs for onions and have become poorly after eating them! The leaves too have been munched as they resemble a type of Chinese vegetable.

Daffodil consumption can cause diarrhoea, vomiting and a sore throat as they are poisonous when eaten, The effects can last up to 24 hours as well!

Maybe they just need to put a giant health warning on them or an advisory, You know, like they do with take-away coffees (caution may be hot). I should bloody well hope so, or I’m taking it back!

Anyone got any suggestions of how we can stop this dreadful mix-up from happening?

Episode 149: Love On The Dancefloor….. —

Episode 149: Love On The Dancefloor…..

Ahhh young love; most of us can remember our first crush, the butterflies when seeing them, the giggling with our friends  and the scraps of paper passed back and forth with little love messages on them…..and then the first kiss.

When I was about a young teen, I remember going to the local youth club with my older brother and younger sister. There used to be a disco with a DJ (who became a bit of a celebrity in the county before later before falling from grace) once a week which we used to love.

I remember on one occasion, some of my brothers’ friends using their catapults with creme eggs as missiles to shoot out the lights in the ceiling (God knows why, but you don’t question this kind of behaviour as a kid as you think it is funny)! Once the lights were down (literally) the dancing could begin!

The era was the late 1970s. The music was extremely varied and many of the sings had their own dances associated with them. Now I have always had 2 left feet, but everyone used to get up on the dance floor so of course I joined in….

Who could resist the clomping about to Status Quo? There were two rows of people on opposite sides facing each other, and as far as I can remember, you would lean forward lifting the back leg then lean back lifting the front leg then somehow, with a clomp and a twirl, you had swapped places with the person opposite you (assuming you had got the moves right and had not bashed into each other)!

Does anyone remember the dance that was done to Mud’s Tiger feet, and a few other songs as well? You know the one, hands on hips elbows out, then lean in twice with the left elbow, lean back twice, then forward with the right elbow, and so on. This was taken so seriously. My God, if you dared walk past someone at the wrong moment you were in danger of getting your eye blacked with a bony elbow!

My favourite was Boney M’s  ‘Brown Girl In The Ring’. This involved a bit of fancy footwork, a twirl and a clap! Now my coordination is pretty rubbish but I loved having a go at this one, especially if I managed to get through the record without messing up my moves!

Anyway,  back to the first crush. At the end of the evening the lights the DJ would always put a couple of slow numbers on so that gave boys the opportunity to ask a girl to dance with them (NEVER the other way around, we were ladies after all)! The girls would all be standing about nonchalantly chatting whilst desperately hoping they would get approached. I had my eye on a boy with the nickname of ‘ Bruiser’! (God knows why, he was pretty short and skinny, maybe he was the one that bruised easily rather than bruised others)!

Well one night, my luck was finally in and I got asked to dance by the boy of my dreams, I was so thrilled as we clumsily shuffled about to ‘Emotion’ by Samantha Sang. it was the best disco ever!

Just before the slow dances finished he asked me if I would like to go outside as there was a park right next to the hall. I grabbed his hand and off we went, Off course it was pretty dark by now. and I had not seen a piece of black fencing on the ground, you guessed it, I went flat on my face (well knee actually)! He helped me up, and I ignored the pain as I hobbled over to the swings with him, blood trickling down my leg.

That was the night I had my first kiss…. my knee was throbbing, bloody and muddy, and the kiss was rather wet and slobbery!

I was in heaven!

Marsha Ingrao Always Write

Having fun blogging with friends

Rachael's Thoughts

Lifestyle blog featuring the fabulous North East and beyond

My Window

Sharing my thoughts, poems, travel & art

WordPress.com Apps

Apps for any screen

Learning to write

Just your average PhD student using the internet to enhance their CV

Jemverse

Life in words

Stuff and what if...

Exploring writing and the creative randomness of life. Snapshots of moments.

Aakashsoyanthone

Aakashsoyanthone

Gin & Lemonade

...with a twist.

Peacock Poetry

by Sam Allen

Tallis Steelyard

The jumbled musings of Tallis Steelyard

Diary of a Dublin Housewife

Diary of a Dublin Housewife

Carolina Russo |Sa'Reyah

Visual Alchemy & Artifacts of Remembrance

Two on a Rant

Rants, humor, sarcasm, and a haiku-like substance? It's hard to know what's going to come out of our minds next.

We Are Holistic

Promoting a Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit

Cindy Knoke

Photography, Birds and Travel

pensitivity101

An onion has many layers. So have I!

Fatty McCupcakes

Rants, Ramblings, and Regrets

From Michigan to Germany

A family from Michigan living abroad in Germany.