Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 163: Wedded Bliss…or Blissful Ignorance! — February 14, 2015

Episode 163: Wedded Bliss…or Blissful Ignorance!

Some people are very romantic, professing their love every day, popping the question after a whirlwind  courtship.  They then have a beautiful wedding topped off with a honeymoon to a gorgeous location. They settle into a lovely routine together, and then decide to start a family….Ah wedded bliss.

One lady in the south-west of England, had such a wonderful marriage, She and her scuba diving instructor husband lived a comfortable and happy life together, despite the fact that when they first met he was married. Fast forward six years, and he is newly divorced and ready to marry again.

Thing go well for the first few years, but times being hard the husband worked away quite a bit to keep the money coming in, as by now the wife had given up work to look after the daughter they had together. Sometimes he only came home once or twice a month, but they were still happy and in love.

You can imagine the wife’s surprise when out of the blue she got a call from her mother-in-law expressing her sorrow that she and her son had now got divorced. Not only that but there were pictures on Facebook (don’t you just love it) of him marrying his new love!

To add insult to injury, not only was he a bigamist, but he got married in the same place where he had taken his wife on their honeymoon AND he used the same Best Man (who was unaware that the groom was not divorced). Apparently he had been leading a double life for three years without either of the ‘wives’ realising!

He ended up getting 18 weeks, yes only 18 weeks  in jail for bigamy, and his excuse was that he ‘put the cart before the horse’ Priceless!

His new wife is standing by him and he has finally started divorce proceedings against his previous one.

I bet he’s had enough of wedding cake for now!

Episode 162: Valentine Virus! —

Episode 162: Valentine Virus!

The day is here, the mood is set

With my card and roses too

I wanted a romantic evening

But instead I got the ‘flu!

My eyes are barely open

My nose is sore and red

My body aches all over

I should have stayed in bed

Tonight it’s steak for dinner

And perhaps a glass of wine

But I am feeling grotty

Happy St Valentine’s!

Episode 161: Fashion? You Could Have Fooled Me! — February 13, 2015

Episode 161: Fashion? You Could Have Fooled Me!

I don’t usually like to write about celebrities as we get to hear enough about them as it is, but I just had to mention Kanye West’s ‘fashion’ show to see whether it was just me that was getting old and past it…..

From what I understand, Mr West has teamed up with Adidas and come up with a range of ‘clothing’ (that term is used very loosely) which was shown off at New York Fashion Week. So proud was Kim Kardashian of her husband that she allowed him to ‘dress’ her (I know they have minions to do everything for them but really…) in one of his outfits.

The thing is…it looks like she has forgotten to put her clothes on! The whole thing looks like rather unsexy underwear, Why would you want to wear a sports bra. granny knickers and long johns as outer wear?! Oh I forgot, she has a lovely camouflage jacket over the top, presumably to give everything that ‘urban’ look or something.

The models were the most miserable looking bunch I have seen for a long time! Most of them  had on what looked like the gusset of a pair of tights on their heads. Why? Were they going off to rob a bank or something afterwards? (Perhaps to rustle up a bit of cash to buy some proper clothes).

They too had on sports bras, body stockings, pop socks and Bridget Jones’ pants all layered and mismatched. It was quite an ugly spectacle to behold. No wonder poor little North kicked off and had to be carried out!

Am I missing something and just an old fuddy-duddy?

Episode 160: Real Men Do Cry! —

Episode 160: Real Men Do Cry!

For those of us that have men in our lives, we accept that they may not be perfect but according to the Bookmakers William Hill there are fifty skills that your man should have in order to qualify as a ‘real man.’ Apparently they questioned 2000 people in order to discover what qualities it takes to accomplish this,

The list includes things like being able to tie a tie, knowing how to wire a plug, being able to change a light bulb, as well as know when your anniversary is, and how to do the laundry.

I have decided to make my own little list of what qualities I think ‘real men’ should have, which are in no particular order:

Not being ashamed to cry. I don’t mean just when their team loses an important match, I mean actually showing a bit of emotion when something has affected them deeply. Having said that,I don’t want him bawling his head off at the slightest thing!

  • Enjoy shopping. A real man will not be at all fazed whilst accompanying you on a shopping trip, and that includes browsing at lingerie! It is so annoying when you go to ask your parter’s opinion on a racy little number, only to find that he has legged it!
  • Be a good cook. Although I do like to cook at times, it is great that Mr Grump loves cooking and is so good at it too!
  • Have a decent sense of humour. Because I like to laugh at things, and enjoy making fun of silly situations, it is important to me to have someone to laugh with. I don’t want to be with someone who is precious about me taking the mickey out of them!
  • Not having an aversion to housework. Being able to push a vacuum around is a huge plus in my book. It is one of those jobs that I hate doing! For some reason, I have never known a man who is good at dusting and polishing, but if he is handy with a vacuum then that’ll do!
  • Enjoy driving.  Although I drive myself, I am not that keen on it, so a man must be able to drive, and drive well! It is pretty off-putting if a man is crunching the gears or taking about 20 attempts to parallel park, when he is behind the wheel.
  • Be well-groomed. Now a real man knows how to be well-presented. I like him to be smartly dressed in ironed clothes,smelling nice and have clean nails! I don’t however, want him to take longer getting ready than I do, hog the mirror, nick my beauty products, or borrow my straighteners (if he has hair of course).
  • Be good at DIY.  I like a man who is handy to have around. You never know when you need a shelf putting up,a room to be decorated or someone to fix something that I have broken.This is a very important quality in my book.
  • Know when to make himself scarce! This one is pretty important as well. I don’t just mean when you are having a ‘girly’ night in and don’t want the old man around. I mean that he knows to get out of your way when you are in a mood (especially if he is the one that has wound you up)!

Are there any that I have missed out, what qualities do you think a real man has?

Episode 159: Superstitious or Sceptical? — February 12, 2015

Episode 159: Superstitious or Sceptical?

Tomorrow being Friday 13th will mean that the superstitious among us  will feel a little uneasy as it is supposed to be very unlucky, particularly in western culture. It is taken so seriously that some people will refuse to get married, travel (particularly by air) or even go to work. Although it has not been proven that Friday 13th is worse than any other day, the fact that it is a ‘double-whammy’ due to both Friday and the number 13 being seen as unlucky some people just want to hide themselves away and not take any chances..

Perhaps they might feel better if a bird pooped on them or their car! After all, this is supposed to bring good luck. It’s even better if you could get a flock of birds to poop on you all at once. Apparently the more poo, the more riches you will receive. Mind you, it takes forever to get off the car,and is dreadful on the paint work. Getting poo on your person is not very pleasant either, especially if it lands on your head and drips down your face!

Now if you had an umbrella, you might have been spared the poo in the hair thing, but under no circumstances should you open it indoors. If you do that, then you are asking for bad luck, or storms to ‘rain’ down on you. Nobody wants that. Personally, I would be more concerned with having someone’s eye out if I opened my brolly indoors, knowing how clumsy I am.

Speaking of which, what about seven years bad luck for breaking a mirror, That’s a bit harsh isn’t it?! It’s those Romans who are to blame for  scaremongering on this one. Apparently it has something to do with a mirror reflecting your soul so if you break it your soul will be damaged hence the bad luck. It was also believed that the soul only renewed itself every seven years. Practically speaking m you should be more worried about all that sharp glass scattered about that could give you a nasty cut!

Similarly, walking under a ladder might get you brained with a pot of paint, or a bucket! However, that is not the original reason the superstition arose. Apparently it was because the ladder points (on a double ladder) forms a trinity, as does a single ladder leaned up against a wall. Christians believed that if you walked through this trinity then you were in cahoots with the Devil, and might even be a witch!

That bring us to my last example, having a black cat walk past. Here in Britain, and in Japan, it is considered good luck to have a black cat cross your path whereas in other countries is it considered bad luck!

Happy Friday 13th everyone!

Episode 158: W.I. Goes 50 Shades Greyer!! — February 11, 2015

Episode 158: W.I. Goes 50 Shades Greyer!!

With all the fuss about ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ around at the moment, it is no surprise that many have jumped on the bandwagon due to the massive amount of publicity it has generated. However, there has been a bit of a fuss over a group of women that nobody would have expected would be interested in this steamy story…

The good old Women’ s Institute  (WI) are just about to celebrate their centenary in 2015, and are a very well-respected institution. It was originally set up during the First World War as a way for women in rural areas to join together in producing food.

Its members are mostly older women who have retired, but it is just starting to become popular with younger ladies. They are known for their jam and chutney making as well as delicious home-made cakes. They are normally pillars of society. and whenever there is a church fete, jumble sale or school fayre, you can normally find these ladies serving teas and coffees with an assortment of biscuits, cakes and scones.

They did cause a bit of a fuss a few years ago when they produced a naked calendar in order to raise money for cancer (They are prolific fundraisers for many charities). It became so popular that the film ‘Calendar Girls’ was based on their story.

Anyway, some of these ladies belong to a writing club based in a small country town. They had already discussed ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and decided that they would like to have a go at writing something raunchy themselves. So they did!

They were producing their own small book made up of short stories covering different topics such as crime,  and adventure etc, but the final chapter was to be a ‘bodice ripper’ (us Brits do love a euphemism). Most of the members were up for having a go at writing the….climax of the book, and a winner would be chosen from the submitted entries.

The person who actually did win was a little coy, and did not want her identity disclosed as she thought her ‘gran would be furious’ (must be one of the younger members then)! Anyway. the chapter was pretty explicit and had to be rated XXX as well as an advisory given (probably so as not to excite the older readers too much).

It has had a bit of a mixed reception so far. Some people are rather shocked that the WI ‘would be involved with such smut’ and others were surprised ‘they had the nerve to print it due to some of the language involved.’

Of course the proceeds from the sale of the book are going to the local hospital for the treatment of cancer, and quite a few of the locals are only to happy to buy the book for the cause (not to mention the racy bits).

I know which book I would rather read!!

Episode 157: Is Plastic Fantastic, Or Real The Big Deal? —

Episode 157: Is Plastic Fantastic, Or Real The Big Deal?

Quite a lot of my posts are to do with getting older or rather the effects of aging. The lines, wrinkles, thickening waistline (this is probably more to do with my love of food), greying hair and so on. It is a bit of a struggle for me trying to cling on to what bit of youth I have left, and disguising the more obvious signs that age is creeping up on me.

Some people however.  have  more drastic approach to defying the aging process and resort to a little ‘nip and tuck’ here and there or other little enhancements to approve their appearance (or not as the case may be).

We have all seen the expressionless faces of those that have had Botox. It does seem a good idea in theory. After all, who wouldn’t want to have someone inject a potentially lethal, highly toxic substance into your face in order to paralyze your facial muscles? You will be left with a lovely smooth and wrinkle free forehead. even if a little vacant!

Sticking with the needle theme, what about those collagen lip enhancements, or the ‘trout pout’ as it is affectionately known? Now I am a woman who is seriously lacking in the lip department, being given, only the skinniest of lips. However, I am pretty much a huge wimp and the thought of my lips being injected with some sort of ‘filler’ (that in itself sounds dodgy, I’m thinking of stuff used when decorating to fill the cracks in the walls) gives me the creeps.

What if it sets to be rock hard? No-one is going to want to kiss that. Or even worse, what if it goes all lumpy? Yuck how hideous! How can anyone talk properly with outsized lips? I will be grateful for what I have got in this instance, secure in the knowledge that I least I don’t need to spend so much on lipstick!

Now we move on to actually going ‘under the knife? I am terrified of operations and would never volunteer myself willing for one. Yes I would love to have bigger boobs but they don’t always turn out that good anyway. I have seen women who has one boob markedly bigger than the other. Plus some of them really look they have been inflated, and are about to pop! Plus you must get little scars as well which can’t be very nice.

As for facelifts, the people who get these done are really brave (or incredibly mad). Have you seen what they do in the operating theatre? Oh my God! What about the state you are left in afterwards whilst it heals. Black eyes and swollen features, not very pleasant. Yes it might knock a few years off. but it is my understanding that they have to be re-done after a certain period of time! Sod that!

We have all seen examples of when plastic surgery has gone dreadfully wrong. There are many celebrities for example, that have had multiple surgeries but who look awful for it. What I don’t understand is, why do those plastic surgeons carry out some of the crazy procedures they are asked for? Don’t they get struck off when they make a dreadful mess of someone? Don’t some of them have a conscience?

I know that plastic surgery has its place and rightly so. It is invaluable for those that have had serious accidents, burns, birth defects and other problems. I think in those cases it is absolutely wonderful, and has made a huge positive impact on people’s lives. However, plastic surgery just for the sake of vanity I am not so sure.

Would you age naturally, or get a little help to stave off the inevitable?

Episode 156: Love Is In The Air…. — February 10, 2015

Episode 156: Love Is In The Air….

With Valentine’s Day looming ever closer, some single people are trying to make themselves a little more appealing in order that perhaps they might find a bit of romance for the big night!

It doesn’t matter how old you are, we all like to feel that we have still got some sort of physical attraction left in us, even if it is a little past its sell by date, and needs a bit  of perking up.

One of my old ladies is 100 years old. Up until now she has lived at home with just a couple of visits from carers during the day. She can walk out to the loo with her Zimmer frame, but occasionally gets lost on the way back to her bed area,

On Saturday, I noticed that she had done a detour back from the loo and was talking to our male charge nurse at the nurse’s station. After a while I walked back to her bed with her and teased her about chatting up the men,

“Oh you don’t have to be jealous dear, at my age you take what you can get!” It had brightened her day talking to him for a while. I don’t suppose she gets to see many men, and she obviously enjoys their company. Whilst in hospital she is making the most of it; I know she loves it when the young male physio comes to see her.

One poor 82-year-old woman is not so lucky with attracting a man, and apparently decided to do something about it. She went into a pharmacy and helped herself to a ‘Sexiest Fantasies’ bottle of perfume. Now she might have already got a man for all we know, and with the release of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ may have decided to squirt a bit of that on before indulging in God know what with her partner!

Somehow I don’t think so, and unfortunately she was caught as she left the store, and ended up giving it back, and getting arrested for her sauce! I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for her, as the perfume promised that it was ‘as addictive and seductive as the woman that wears it’. She wanted to bring out her inner ‘sex goddess’ but got thwarted before she could even get started!

It just goes to show that no matter how old you are there is still a bit of room left for romance, even though it may end up being just a fantasy!

Episode 155: Nasty ‘Pizza’ Work! —

Episode 155: Nasty ‘Pizza’ Work!

Oh I love Social Networking, it is great to catch up with news on Facebook of friends you haven’t seen for years; It’s fantastic to stay in touch with family that live far away. It seems to be the perfect way to end a relationship as well! We have all heard of those poor unfortunate souls who were ‘in a relationship’ one minute, and then found out that their other half has suddenly become ‘single’.

Why bother with long drawn out discussions of ‘it’s not you,it’s me’ and ‘I think we should have a little break’ when you can just do away with the whole relationship in a click of the mouse!

Another advantage of social media sites is the open party invitation. How many have heard horror stories of teenagers being left alone for the weekend by trusting parents, only to come home Sunday afternoon to virtually no house left. and a teenager with an ASBO?(Anti-Social Behaviour Order).

I am still not that great with Twitter, but even I understand there are some things which are better not plastered all across the Internet for all to see. There is one young lady though who apparently hasn’t grasped this concept, and managed to get herself into a spot of bother.

She had recently applied and had been accepted for a job working in a pizza restaurant. As is the norm with most young people, she wanted to share her news, so decided to Tweet about it.  It turned out though that she was not overly excited about her new job and her words were, ‘Ew I start this f**k ass job tomorrow’.

Now this might have impressed all her trendy mates, but unfortunately, someone at the restaurant saw the tweet and told the boss. He understandably, took exception to her description of the job and her lacklustre attitude and promptly did a little tweet of his own. He fired her!

She then actually phoned the pizza place to confirm this. as she couldn’t believe it! Apparently. although she missed out on free pizza and a cushy job, she wasn’t bothered. She sent the boss a little cartoon pic of her with lots of money. I bet someone who  really needed that job was pleased that there are some silly people around!

Episode 154: Shaving Off A Few Years! — February 9, 2015

Episode 154: Shaving Off A Few Years!

One of the things I have moaned about when getting older, is the appearance of facial hair. For some reason, whiskers start sprouting on the chin, and upper lip. Not only that, they are course and thick, and the worst thing of all, they are grey! It is a problem that women are keen to tackle, but coy to talk about….not any more!

Apparently the way to deal with these pesky hairs is not to wax, or pluck (OUCH! Have you ever tried plucking them)?, oh no… just shave them off! That’s right, you did read it correctly, SHAVE them off!

Now, I have to say, I kind of get it when you reach a certain age. I know that some of my old ladies have asked me to give them a shave when their whiskers get a bit long and of course, I oblige  –  but they are in their 80s. They are not shy about slapping on a bit of shaving foam and hacking away with a disposable razor (or trusting me to do it).

There has even been some talk by the owner of a London Beauty Clinic that it can help to reduce the signs of aging! Apparently, the act of shaving itself causes some abrasion to the skin, which stimulates collagen production thereby reducing the appearance of lines and wrinkles! Make of that what you will!

Another benefit of course is that shaving is cheap!No expensive treatments for hair removal, or waxing . Oh no, just a tin of foam and a pack of disposable razors and Bob’s your uncle! If you have a man around, so much the better, you can nick his stuff!

As for that old worry that hair grows back thicker and darker once shaved, that is not true either. The same London beauty clinic (do you think they have got a sideline selling shaving equipment for ladies)? are insistent that cutting the hair off above the root will not make it grow back thicker.

This is a trend that is apparently catching on and sales of shaving products designed for ladies that want to shave their faces is being ‘rushed into the shops’!

Not sure I will be rushing out to buy it. After all, I have already missed the boat and have wrinkles!

Should women shave their faces?

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