2014-12-16T19:10:16+00:00

Episode 77: Another Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody…

December 16, 2014/Judy E Martin/7 Comments

Further the post I wrote in Episode 64, my younger sister reminded me of a story that I had forgotten to include, and although it is pretty stomach-churning, it did make me laugh so here it is….

Mum had made a corned-beef hash, which although we didn’t have very often we were looking forward to. Anyway she had left it to cool off on the worktop for a little while. As she was about to dish up she suddenly screeched,

“Where’s me teeth”? She had this little plastic plate with 4 or 5 false teeth on which she used to take out now and again when they started to chafe, and they would sit on the table or window sill, wrapped in a tissue until she needed them to eat! My sister and I searched the kitchen without success, We couldn’t understand where they had gone As a last resort we decided to check the corned-beef hash, as it was not unusual for a bit of fag ash to land up in the food so why not a denture!

As it happened, the teeth were not in the hash, but the obligatory ants were! Yes, they had found their way into the hash that had been left uncovered, and had dived on in! Yuk! That was yet another meal that had no takers, fussy as we all were! Oh, and Mum’s teeth turned up in the kitchen rubbish bin! As a last resort we went through it, and there they were in a soggy filthy tissue, buried beneath tea bags, potato peelings and other assorted nasties. Mum was thrilled, a quick rinse under the tap, and she popped them back into place!

My nephew when he was young, also shared my mum’s casual attitude to dirt and used to love grubbing about in the mud as most kids do, However he liked to pick up slugs and worms as I think he liked their slimy feel. He wanted to share his treasures with the rest of us and would very often come up with us, hand outstretched grasping a writhing creature and say,

” Lug!” he hadn’t mastered how to pronounce his S’s yet, bless him. Myself and my sisters would recoil when he brought the slugs to us for inspection, and would try to swallow the scream, force a smile and tell him how lovely it was. He would amuse himself for some time playing in the dirt, making mud pies, and decorating them with the slugs and worms, singing away happily.

After a while he came up to us again

“Lug!” Only this time there was only a little bit of slug in this podgy little hand; not only that but he looked a bit mucky around the mouth. Yep, he had decided to taste his mud pies, but must have found them rather filling as he couldn’t manage a whole slug! It’s nice to know he has inherited the strong family constitution!

Episode 76: An Unexpected Treat!

December 15, 2014/Judy E Martin/10 Comments

Miss Hap came home from her Nanny’s yesterday afternoon after spending the night there, and informed me that she HAD to make some cupcakes that very evening. I asked what the urgency was and she told me that her class had actually made them in school last week and as she had forgotten her ingredients she was unable to participate, but she needed to make them, and take a picture in order for her to be able to complete her course work.

I was quite cross as she had told me she was making cup cakes THIS week! We even had all the ingredients ready for once as well! Honestly, that girl is more scatter-brained than I am and that is saying something! (I had to go to a training course one day whilst I was on annual leave, and turned up a day early to be greeted with a dark and locked training room)! .

Anyway, although we did have the ingredients, we had no cupcake cases. Mr Grump was already out so I phoned him to pick some up, which he was delighted about, and meanwhile, I got out the bits and pieces needed to make the cakes. My daughter was to make these all by herself with NO help from me whatsoever! Now, I have mentioned before in Episode 70 that I am concerned about letting Miss Hap loose on certain things like certain chores and cooking, due to her tendency to be a little bit accident prone, and I was worried about things getting broken or her getting burnt! However,she is 11 now, my little sister lets her do it, fellow bloggers have advised me that she is old enough to do it, and school insists that she does do it, I have to curb the control instinct and let her get on with it!

Luckily for me, the cupcakes were made using the all-in-one method, so it didn’t matter that she is (like me) heavy-handed! She carefully and meticulously weighed out her ingredients a few grams at a time until she had the exact amount, and the finished mixture had a lovely consistency, in no time at all. We had the cases now so she arranged them in the baking tin, ensuring that she used all of the coloured cases. The mix was enough for six cakes so she doled it out equally, and made a good job of it.

I made her check the cakes to see that they were ready and she prodded the top to ensure that they were. I was roped in to help make the butter cream icing once she weighed out the ingredients and I said I would start her off. Of course I made a hell of a mess; the icing sugar went everywhere as I tried to beat it in. Anyway, Miss Hap wanted to decorate the cakes which I was happy for her to do.

The end results looked so lovely I had to have one. I was impressed, she is obviously much more capable than I give her credit for.

Episode 74: It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas…….

December 13, 2014/Judy E Martin/9 Comments

Today I could no longer put off the inevitable and it was time to put up the Christmas decorations! Miss Hap was getting excited and, given her way, they would have been put up a couple of weeks ago! I had asked Mr Grump to get the decorations out of the loft last night as that is somewhere where I NEVER venture. It is far too dangerous for someone as clumsy as me. For,if I don’t break my neck getting up there, one wrong move could send me plummeting headfirst over the bannister and down the stairs. I spend enough time at the hospital as it is, and did not want to experience it ‘from the other side’!

My morning didn’t exactly start very well. I have been bone tired this week for some reason. Mr Grump was on an early start for work this morning and had sneaked out about 5am. Unfortunately for me, Miss Hap heard him leave and the next thing I knew she had got into my bed and decided it was high time I got up. I did so very reluctantly as I still felt shattered.

Anyway, once I had finally come to, after several cups of tea, we decided that we would take the dog out for her walk before we did anything else. Now Roxy gets really excited like most dogs when she sees her lead, and it took me a while to clip it on her collar as she was dancing about wildly.Once fastened, we headed for the front door. Oh, its locked, and Mr Grump has the key. We can’t get out! As he left so early, he locked us in. I looked around for my keys but didn’t have them as they were on the key ring with my car keys, and my car had gone to be fixed! Great! Roxy is going berserk, frustrated at us not going anywhere!

I decided to phone Mr Grump as he was due home soon, and I wanted to know how long he would be. He answered but was nowhere near home,and the job was talking a lot longer than expected! He told me that I did have a front door key at home in my bag. I turned out my handbag, work bag and coat pockets, no key! I knew there was no bloody key anyway,, it was with the car! I phoned Mr Grump back to rage at him for a bit as I was mad; the dog was going crazy, Miss Hap was moaning loudly as we couldn’t get out of the back gate either due to something that was Mr Grump’s fault! The poor dog had to settle with being ran around the back garden on her lead by Miss Hap, so at least it appeared she was being taken for a walk!

I was not feeling that festive by now, but we put on one of the music channels for a bit of Christmas music, and Boney M’s Mary’s Boy Child had me singing along loudly and tunelessly. lifting my mood completely. Myself and Miss Hap even managed to lift up the heavy box with the Christmas tree in,and transport it downstairs without injury or harm to either of us or the tree! Plus it only took two attempts to correctly assemble it! The end result was lovely though, and we enjoyed ourselves singing and dancing along with the music as we decorated the tree.

Mr Grump came home soon after we finished, and took poor Roxy for her walk. When he came back he dangled my front door key in front of my face, which he HAD thoughtfully separated from the car keys. It had been hanging up in the kitchen the whole time on my Betty Boop key ring, but he didn’t think to tell me it was there!

He wasn’t off the hook though as the rest of the decorations still needed to be put up around the room, plus the lights outside! That wiped the smugness off his face! Miss Hap decided to bugger off to Nanny’s as her job here was done. I however, was designated drawing pin holder…..’It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas’!

Episode 73: Mind Your Language!

December 12, 2014/Judy E Martin/11 Comments

Earlier on today I read a post by Wendy of the Rock where she talks about her love for bad language, particularly the ‘F’ word and how this used to upset her mother, but now she has become used to it.

I could really relate to this post, mainly as it brought back memories of how strict my mum and stepdad were when me and my siblings were growing up. I have to say that as a little girl, I was not much of a swearer, in fact I was very quiet and a bit of a ‘Goody Two Shoes’. Well truth be known,back in the ‘olden days’ we didn’t really hear much bad language, not even on the TV (Mind you I had to be in bed before 8 until I was about 12 years old)!

I never heard my mother swear at all, growing up, (I don’t really count ‘bugger’ , ‘bloody’ and ‘Christ’ as swearing. She did let the odd ‘shit’ slip out though (Ha Ha! bit of a double entendre there). Woe betide any of us that dared say any of those words though, We would be threatened as Wendy was, with our mouths being washed out with soap. My stepfather was a bit different though as he had a broad West Country ‘oooh-arrr’ type of accent that made us laugh, especially when he described someone falling as ‘going arse over tit’. Commonplace now but shocking to us kids back then. Mum would give him a bit of a look but he was oblivious to it anyway!

I remember when I was about 9 years old, and desperate to grow up quickly, was upset about my deficiency in the boob department. We had been singing Christmas Carols at school. A line from ‘In The Bleak Midwinter’ had piqued my interest, which was …’a breastful of milk and a mangerful of hay’. Hmmm, did that mean that if I drank a lot of milk then a would get big boobs, which I desperately wanted ( I was very innocent back then). anyway I asked my Mum for a glass of milk, and for some reason told her why I wanted it. She asked me to repeat what I had just said,

“To make my breastful of milk grow bigger” I chirped. WRONG! I got a clout for that!. We did not discuss intimate body parts in our house, not even allowed to say ‘bum’. Bottom was the correct term for everything front and back, girls and boys! Sex education we learned at school (or from other kids), and I dreaded telling my Mum when puberty started!

I would never swear in front of my older brothers and sisters either, particularly my eldest sister as I would probably get a smack off her as well (she dobbed me in to my Mum when she found a packet of cigarettes on me when I was 13)!!! Funnily enough Mum wasn’t as mad about that as she would be about us swearing!

My younger sister was and is a lot braver, and much feistier than I am. I remember once when we were teenagers; she was sleeping in my room, and as we used to fight like cat and dog then. I for once got really angry and told her to ‘piss off”. Oh, no, Mum’s room was next door and sure enough my step dad yelled, but at my sister, not me! No-one thought I had it in me to use such language!

Now of course. Mum doesn’t seem to mind her grand-children swearing, in fact she has been known to come out with a few choice words herself. Not only that she openly talks about sex (CRINGE), and has a filthy mind we’ve discovered. When we have large family gatherings we quite often end up playing games, and although they always start fairly innocently, ‘consequences’ ends up making an appearance, and the filthier the better! For those unfamiliar with it everyone starts off with a bit of paper, you write a girl’s name on it, fold it over, pass it to the next person and they write a boy’s name on it, fold it over, pass it on, write where they met, what they did, what he said, she said and how it ended up each time folding it over and passing it on. when that is over, you take it in turns to read out all the combinations. It is a playground game really, but you can get some VERY interesting scenarios if you have a dirty mind!

It is odd though that I still have that fear (or respect) in me that will not swear in front of my Mum!

Episode 72: It’s Been A Funny Old Week!

December 11, 2014/Judy E Martin/13 Comments

This last week has overall, been bittersweet for me. As you know, I have only been blogging since the middle of September, and there are many things I am still ignorant of. The prime reason for me actually doing this blog was a bit of an outlet for me really. I have a wicked sense of humour and love a good laugh, but I also seem to be always making a hash of things. I thought it would be fun to share some of my stories, in the hope that it would make someone else smile. That, in turn would give me pleasure, and everyone’s a winner!

I have been very lucky indeed since I have started my blog, that people have actually ‘got’ what I am about, which is mainly taking the mickey out of myself, my long-suffering family, and situations that I might find myself in. All of this was written with tongue firmly in cheek, (although of course, these events really did happen)! I have just described them from my viewpoint , which is to try to see the funny side of everything. I have never intended to offend anyone or be malicious in any way. (I deliberately steer clear of politics etc as I want a light-hearted blog, not a heated, raging debate)!

Anyway, a week a go today I wrote a post after going to my daughter’s school concert. I did my usual, in the fact that I wrote about the things that struck me as funny. I did finish the post by saying how much I enjoyed it, and how hard everyone had worked on it,

The very next day, I got a lot more traffic than normal, the day after , even more, and that particular post was getting the most hits. I thought that was a bit strange, but then I received an anonymous comment reprimanding me gently that the musicians had worked very hard. I replied that yes they did and I had acknowledged this. I was more concerned to think they had been at the SAME concert! How the hell did they know I had written that? I have tried to keep myself pretty anonymous, and have never named the town where I live or anything. It then dawned on me that my daughter had told them! She admitted this eventually as she thought it might get me some more traffic!

Too bloody right it did! The kids must have shown each other it, but were really upset about what I had written. I was mortified, and put an apology in the bottom of the article, but still I had another anonymous comment (well I don’t think Santa would have time to write to me just now) making me feel worse, so of course I removed the post completely.

I wanted to be inhibited in what I wrote, but I will certainly be a lot more careful in the future as I don’t want to (unintentionally) hurt anyone’s feelings, It is ironic that the most views I have ever had have been for the post that ended up being the least funny! I have a lot to learn!

Episode 71: New Years Resolution – With a Twist!!!

December 10, 2014/Judy E Martin/12 Comments

After the Christmas over-indulgence normally comes the New Year resolutions. You know, the pledge to hit the gym, lose some weight and get fit, which is all very well in theory, but in practice lasts until the beginning of February (at a push)! The same goes with packing in smoking; for many the desire to give up is there, but the cravings are just too strong and it all ends in tears (and a packet of fags)! I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to give up all of our vices at the same time and on the same day! I am fed-up with being ‘good’ and my New Year’s Resolution is to find a new vice……

As I have mentioned (more than once, probably), I have given up smoking (am in my third month of being smoke-free), and due to being recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, have also had to cut right back on the sugar, as well as lose weight! Two of my favourite pleasures in life were smoking and eating, and now I have had to give them up and I’m bloody crabby! This Christmas I will not be scoffing Christmas Pud with a huge dollop of cream, nor will I be indulging in the sherry trifle. In fact I can’t even have a bloody mince pie!

I wont be crowding round the back door, or standing outside in the freezing cold/pouring rain/ or icy snow having a sociable cigarette with family members as half of us have now given up. (Yes I know it is a good thing, but we all actually ENJOYED smoking)! No… we will all be piously snug and comfy in the warm, laughing at the poor buggers who still indulged, huddled up against the cold, whilst secretly wishing we could just have one little puff!!

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I needed to make these changes in order to become healthier and, it was down to my bad choices that I ended up with diabetes, but I haven’t got any vices now. I’m not used to being a Mrs Goody Two-Shoes having smoked since I was about 13 years old, so I am looking for a new vice for the New Year!

Now, finding a vice is not going to be easy, as two have already been ruled out! Drinking is not an option either, Firstly because the last time I had too much to drink I had a hangover for 2 days, and with Miss Hap being as energetic and exuberant as she is, that combination is OUT! Going out ‘on the pull’ is also a non-starter. Not only will Mr Grump get the hump, but I am well past my prime (If I ever had a prime), and it would be too much hassle to doll myself up every night to try to look half-decent.

Becoming a shopaholic sounds fantastic in theory, (who doesn’t like new and sparkly, things) but we have more than enough clutter in our house already, plus you don’t get a lot of sparkle for your money on my salary! Hmmmm it is not as easy as I thought trying to find a new vice.

Anyone got any ideas??

Episode 68: Standing out!

December 7, 2014/Judy E Martin/17 Comments

I have always battled with shyness, right from when I was a very little girl, hiding behind my Mum or brothers and sisters.It is one personality trait that I wish I didn’t have and have spent years trying to overcome….

Coming from, and growing up with a large family, you would think that I would be a lot more outgoing and assertive, having had to fight for my share of attention over the years, but no, I was the little mousey one, who in fact, never wanted to draw attention to myself in any way! Unfortunately for me though, I am extremely clumsy, and always have been, so there have been many times in the past when I have unwittingly been the centre of attention.

Once, when I was about 12, some of my siblings and I were visiting my Dad,we went for a walk along the prom. I was linking arms with my older sister, but somehow managed to become separated from her and I tripped and fell 6ft onto the sand below (luckily the tide wasn’t in). My Dad was frantic and came down to get me. Luckily I was unhurt, but of course it caused a bit of a commotion.

Another time I was swimming in a pool with my little sister who was wearing her inflatable armbands (she was about 5 and I was 7). My Mum and Step-dad were watching from the side as I was bobbing about holding a football to float on, and my sister splashed about nearby. I floated out of my depth and the ball slipped through my grasp, leaving me floundering and going under as I couldn’t swim. My little sister tried to get to me, but the next thing I knew I was being hauled out of the pool and pummeled by an old lady, who had seen what had happened and jumped in fully clothed, sunglasses and all to hike me out. Again, this caused a bit of a fuss and I cried, not only because of the fright I had just had, but because everyone was looking at me!

It didn’t really get any easier as I got older, especially as my Mum moved around quite a bit with her job and we had to change schools each time and make new friends. I always dreaded it; the worst time was when we moved from north to south England so even our accents made us stand out! My younger sister and older brother who were still school age were much more outgoing so didn’t seem to find it such a pain as I did!

When I was 14, I got a part-time job in a cafe, working weekends. I couldn’t have picked a more unsuitable job for my personality if I tried! I had to approach customers, get their orders and deliver food to them without knocking it all over them. I remember once plonking a plate of fish and chips down a bit heavy handedly in front of a customer and half of it slid off of the plate and onto their lap. I scrabbled about picking it up, putting it back on the plate and apologising. What made it worse was when I took the plate out to the kitchen, and told the female boss (who terrified me) she just rearranged it back on the plate and told me to take it back out there.! That was dreadful as it had taken ages for them to get their order in the first place and they would know that we had just brought the same food out, Needless to say I did it, and the customer said nothing.

I joined the Army as I thought I would overcome my shyness, plus it was something I really wanted to do. I got humiliated many times during ‘drill’ for cocking it up, but then so did everyone else, so it wasn’t that bad. I hated going into the cookhouse as it was so busy but I loved my food so I did it, rather than go without! The experience helped a bit but I was still quite shy.

Social situations were always a nightmare for me. I would talk to people one-on-one but I could never just go up to someone and start a conversation, so people probably thought I was stuck-up and aloof, but I would have loved to have talked to them if I wasn’t so worried that I would put my foot in it or say something stupid!

I do love people and once I went into nursing I really enjoyed it, I applied for the job I have now and when I was accepted, it meant starting at University plus moving to a different ward in the hospital where I knew no-one. I am determined, even if shy, so I did it. Uni was a real struggle at first as nearly every week we had to get out in front of everyone and either do a presentation, or a discussion about things. It took me nearly the whole 2 years to be able to do it without tripping over my words and going bright red.

That is when I finally turned the corner I think. I love the staff on my ward, and am confident about my job, so will actually talk to doctors now(before I kept out of their way). I have been asked to give a little talk to the new recruits on their first day that have signed up for the job I do This can be 20 odd people in a room that I don’t know but not only have I done it once, but twice!

Even now I have to psych myself up to go somewhere new or attend a large social gathering and I am still clumsy ,and draw attention to myself. However now I just make a joke of it, laugh it off, and it will probably end up in my blog to cringe over!

It would be great to know how others deal with their fears or personality traits that hold them back.

Episode 65: Drumming up a Tempest!

December 4, 2014/Judy E Martin/9 Comments

Well it is THAT time again…yes the school Christmas Concert! After years of primary school nativity plays, Christmas plays and Christmas carols, where Miss Hap has been cast in the role of everything from a Cowboy (Christmas from around the World), to a sheep in the traditional nativity (what a nightmare getting that costume, but good old Ebay saved the day) we have progressed to the more sophisticated Secondary school concert.

This was to encompass dance, drama, orchestra and singing (my daughter chose the choir). All of the year 7s were participating and it promised to be a wonderful evening. Now I am a sucker for a kids’ choir singing Christmas carols, and have sobbed, spluttered and snotted through many a moving performance, but I was NOT going to show Miss Hap up by bawling now she was at ‘big school’.

Myself and Mr Grump were to get her at the school in good time to prepare, and my sister and brother-in-law were going to meet us there just before it began.As we walked into the large hall, we noticed a huge number of seats as they were expecting a large turnout; plus cameras quite near the back manned by students ready to film the proceedings. The seats being largely unoccupied,we were going to sit near the front, but as we wanted to sit with the other two, we were advised to sit at the back of the first section of seats far away in the distance!

We took our places and put programmes on another two chairs to reserve them, then settled in to wait. After only 5 minutes the chairs were rapidly filling up and I quickly called my sister and told them to hurry up.Another 10 mins later and people reluctant to sit even further back than we were, asked if the seats were free, then glared at us when told they were not. Eventually they turned up, breezed in and took their seats with about a minute to spare. We sat in anticipation as the concert began…..

The orchestra took their places at the side of the hall, and the choir walked through and arranged themselves just in front of the stage (but not ON it, so I could see my daughter’s head, but that was it). Anyway, they launched the show…sorry concert with a traditional Bulgarian song. It was quite catchy, and they all seemed to enjoy singing it, but I was unsure if it was a Christmas song or not. The narrators helpfully told us that it was a story about a little boy who was knitting some socks for his future wife, so I was none the wiser, but it was sweet.

Next the dancers came on and did some elaborate movements, which was something to do with Demons (or so it said in the programme), Now, I’m not trying to be a killjoy here but demons don’t seem to be the embodiment of Christmas spirit, but hey ho, whatever floats your boat!

I won’t go through the whole lot, but were had saxophone, flute and clarinet solos which were excellent; the drama group gave a bite sized performance of ‘The Tempest’ which involved a lot of shouting and the banging of a staff on the stage which made everyone jump! We were also treated to more songs by the choir, but the main event (for all the wrong reasons) for me and my sister was the orchestra….

The first number they had a go at was ‘Let it Go’ from ‘Frozen’ which is so popular at the moment. It took a while to recognise what it was,as the timing was a bit out on some of the instruments, some of the flutes squealed at the wrong times, but everything was saved when the drum beat kicked in. It was almost like a metronome, bump-bump. bump-bump, keeping up a very slow and constant rhythm, drowning out everything else. Being stupid and childish it struck me as funny, so my chair was rocking as I tried to stifle my laughter (I didn’t want to get lynched by the parents whose girls were playing). My sister kicked my ankle which made me worse, and set her off.

Anyway, they next attempted ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’. It was a very slow version which put rather an unusual slant on it, the violins had a job with this one, and there were a few random scrapings which set me teeth on edge, but suddenly after a while ‘bump-bump, bump-bump’, the good old drum beat again, same tone, same speed. My sister muttered to me

“This has got to be the dreariest version I have ever heard”. Of course I tried not to laugh, but a few snorts escaped and Mr Grump caught my eye. I could see he was suffering, School events were not his thing and he had been fidgeting about in his seat throughout the performance, and grimacing at every screech and scrape.

The grand finale was everyone singing/dancing/playing ‘All I Want For Christmas is You’ We knew this one was going to be a massive challenge for all concerned. The dancers got up on the stage behind the choir, and everyone was ready to go. There was a bit of a shaky start, a few missed notes, but then guess what? Yep…bump-bump, bump-bump. The drum beat set the (slow) pace, the orchestra limped through to the very end, the choir sang their best, and the dancers went for it!

To me, this is what it is all about. the fact that those kids who only had a total of 9 hours practice, put so much effort into this concert. They sang/danced/played and acted their little hearts out, and they looked like they really enjoyed themselves as well. The staff also worked hard to produce this event having only known these kids since September. Who cares if it was a little rough around the edges? That wasn’t what mattered. The point was, nearly all of the year group, some two hundred girls had participated,working together, and that’s why I loved it!

It has come to my attention that some of the pupils involved in this concert have thought that I was being unfairly mean about it.That was NEVER my intention. This blog is MY take on events that happen in MY life. I have not named the school, my daughter or even the town where we live, and I apologise unreservedly if this post has offended anyone. I have re-iterated that I appreciate all of the hard work put into this concert by everybody involved.

Episode 64: A Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody….

December 3, 2014/Judy E Martin/11 Comments

I received a phone call from Miss Hap today during her lunch break at school to let me know that there is a Craft Fair on Friday at school and “you have got to make some gingerbread men biscuits”. Oh great! Well I have to give her credit for telling me a little in advance, normally it is at bedtime the night before she has to take something home-made into school. (I know some supermarkets do a lovely range of ‘home-made’ cakes etc but it does seem a bit naughty to do that; However needs must, and I have done it in the past)!

Anyway, as it is my day off today, and not only have I got the ingredients (and more importantly the recipe) for the gingers, but I actually enjoy making them (along with mince pies, that is about my festive repartee). I have already made the dough, and whilst that is ‘chilling’ in the fridge, I get a bit of time to myself to reflect on how different I am from my mum in the kitchen, I was thinking about Mum and what a fantastic cook she is, although nowadays she doesn’t bake so much. However, in her baking heyday some of her practices in the kitchen left a little to be desired…..

Two funny stories come to mind. the first one was when mum was making her famous ‘rock cakes’. Now, they were not ALWAYS as hard as rock as the name implies, and she put currants or something in them as well, so they were quite tasty for a Sunday afternoon tea. This particular day she made the cakes with her usual method, chucking a bit of this in, sprinkling in a pinch of that, then a dollop of something else for good measure. Once cooked they looked lovely and golden brown and she turned them out onto the wire rack to cool for a bit.

My younger sister and I were there when she decided to have a little ‘taster’ and she bit off a huge chunk from a cake.

“Mmmm these are lovely” (Self-recommendation is no praise, but Mum was proud of her cooking). As I looked up at Mum I was horrified; there were loads of ants crawling around her mouth, my sister had noticed as well. We were screeching and pointing but Mum had realised something was not right, and she rushed over to the sink to spit out the cake, and brush away the ants that she had not ingested! It transpired that Mum’s wire rack was kept in the little alcove under the kitchen sink, and she had not washed it (how the hell she didn’t notice the ants all over it is anybody’s guess)! Well needless to say we went cakeless, and had something else!

The other occasion, was a dinner Mum was cooking for the family. She had made a gorgeous stew, and was preparing the dumplings to go with it, which she cooked in the pot with the stew. She went to one of the cupboards and got out her little box where she kept, her margarine, butter and lard. Anyway, she made the dumplings, but as I watched her , I said that they didn’t look right (Mrs Expert Chef poking her nose in)! Needless to say she took no notice of me, and half an hour later we all sat down for our lovely dinner. I took one mouthful of dumpling, and the rank taste hit me; the dumpling was expelled straight away.as I retched and heaved. Some of the others followed suit but the slow starters sat there stunned; dinner was ruined. That fat she used had been sitting opened in the packet for God knows how long, and was well and truly off! Mum told us to eat the stew anyway just leave the dumplings, but everyone’s appetite had suddenly disappeared!

I remember those two occasions so well, as my Mum never understood why we all made such a fuss about everything being clean, or that food was not past it’s ‘sell-by date’! Myself, plus some of my brothers and sisters used to go through the fridge and cupboards and sure enough there were tins there from 5 years previously (“tins last forever”), bottles where the date had rubbed off, or perhaps even before they dated foods, unwrapped food in the fridge, cooked and raw meat stored in close proximity, and condiments from the ark! Anything that was in the fridge was edible according to mum regardless of how long it had been in there!

I suppose growing up when food was rationed, they were not so picky about what they ate, being grateful to have anything. Also I have seen her trying to sneak an errant spud in the roasting tin that had fallen on the floor when she strained them in the pan. Again, anything that went on the floor got either rinsed or brushed off and put on the plate! After all, “A little bit of dirt never killed anyone” and me, and my siblings have the cast iron stomachs to prove it!

Episode 63: Man’s Best Friend

December 2, 2014/Judy E Martin/11 Comments

What is it with men and the TV remote control? I am sure they think it is an extension of themselves, another appendage or something, because trying to separate the two is nigh on bloody impossible!….

When I was growing up, we only had 4 channels on the TV. In order to turn it over, you had to actually get up off the settee, go over to the TV and push in the knob or button to turn it over. Seeing as there was such little choice in TV and no-one could be bothered to keep getting up, it normally stayed mostly on one favourite channel. My step-dad was the one who always chose that channel as well, my mum was not really that bothered as she liked similar things anyway.We watched what he wanted and that was the end of it!

He couldn’t believe his luck as TVs became more sophisticated, and there was a remote control to play with (or ‘clicker’ as he liked to call it). When cable TV was introduced and there were extra channels to watch, it was dream come true for a ‘Telly Addict’ like my step-dad. He LOVED nearly all sports, had a fondness for a Spaghetti Western, became hooked on one or two soaps, and finally vociferously joined in with the quiz shows. Oh god, he would berate the hapless contestants (Family Fortunes being his favourite) for their stupidity; he would SCREAM the answers out to the dunces that couldn’t answer, repeating them louder and louder as if they could hear him, it used to drive me mad! However, I always laughed when he said “goodnight” to the newscaster before he went to bed.

The thing that was most annoying though is if, by chance one of us kids managed to actually get hold of the clicker and put Top Of The Pops or something on before he settled down for the evening, we would be halfway through only for him to come in, pick up the clicker and turn it over! He did not care if we were in the middle of something, he would just flick it over. I know we tried to hide the sodding clicker on occasion, but he would go ballistic turfing everything out until it was found!

I have found that Mr Grump is also a remote control hogger! (I think it has something to do with middle age, but I wouldn’t know as I am not there yet)! I’ll be watching something and when the adverts come on he starts flicking about through the channels; I ask him to turn it back but by the time he does it has already started and I have missed the first 2 minutes! He also loves to mess about with the menus, so you end up watching a 2×2 inch square for 20 minutes or until he has figured out how to do whatever it is he wants to do!

I can actually see the similarities in Mr Grump and how my step-dad was; armchair (no-one else is allowed to sit in it as it is in the best spot for seeing the TV): handy table nearby on which to rest obligatory cup of tea; slippers. The only difference is my step-dad had an astray on the table, and Mr Grump has a pouffe for his legs. Other than that two peas in a pod, just 20 years apart!

Some things will never change I guess!

Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Category: Life

Episode 77: Another Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody…

Episode 76: An Unexpected Treat!

Episode 74: It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas…….

Episode 73: Mind Your Language!

Episode 72: It’s Been A Funny Old Week!

Episode 71: New Years Resolution – With a Twist!!!

Episode 68: Standing out!

Episode 65: Drumming up a Tempest!

Episode 64: A Little Bit of Dirt Never Killed Anybody….

Episode 63: Man’s Best Friend

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Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

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