Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Rain, Rain, Go Away, It’s Supposed to be Summer! — June 1, 2018

Rain, Rain, Go Away, It’s Supposed to be Summer!

It is probably no surprise that I am writing about the weather again, as I have done here but this torrential rain that we are having at the moment is rather getting on my nerves!

I know I am obsessed with the weather

But really it can be such a pain

One minute it’s so hot and stifling

The next it is lashing with rain.

The sky can change in an instant

From a beautiful and calming deep blue

To an angry dark looking monster

Belching out thunder and lightning bolts too!

Ear-splitting, eye-popping drama

A month’s worth of rain in one day

Floods causing chaos and destruction

It’s about time the rain went away!

It causes me quite a dilemma

As I want to be suitably dressed

If I’m attired in a summery outfit

And get soaked I won’t be impressed!

Hot, Sleepless Nights — May 29, 2018

Hot, Sleepless Nights

You know I am always moaning about the British weather? I wrote this about one of the things in particular that drives me crazy when the weather is so unpredictable, one minute roasting hot, the next freezing cold!

The weather was so hot and sticky

It was disturbing my precious night’s sleep

I spent all night with the fan on

Duvet on the floor in a heap!

I decided it was time to take action

And packed the heavy duvet away

In its place, a thin bedspread

I’m bound to be cooler this way.

The first few nights it was lovely

I didn’t have to keep mopping my brow

Between the fan and the bedspread

I slept so much easier now

The weather started to get cooler

The heat wave had burned itself out

The bedspread  pulled up into service

In the night when I fumbled about.

I still felt hot and sweaty

The next night when I fell into bed

Old Grump was cocooned in the bedspread

And all I could see was his head!

I still had to have the fan on

Enjoying the delicate breeze

But in the dead of night, I was awoken

My body had started to freeze!

I tried to grab some of the bed spread

But greedy Grump slept like a log

I was now bloody frozen

And tried to cuddle up with the dog!

She wasn’t having any of it

And scampered off down the bed

This called for desperate measures

I tried to snuggle the Grumpster instead!

The next night I had already decided

The duvet was back in its place

With this weather so temperamental

It is always there just in case!

7 Annoying Things About Summer — May 27, 2018

7 Annoying Things About Summer

You may have seen my post yesterday singing the praises of summer, if not you can read it here. Now, just to balance things out a little, this post is about the annoying little things that are not so great about the summer.

  1. Flies and wasps! These little sods get everywhere and anywhere buzzing about, dropping into drinks and dive bombing food if you are not careful.
  2. Curdled milk. What is it with people (especially at work of all places), leaving milk out of the fridge so that it goes like cottage cheese after a little while and smells
  3. Neighbours who think they are bloody Bruno Mars! Honestly with the windows and doors open and the close proximity of all the houses where I live, every sound can be heard, so when Mr Mars next door starts wailing at the top of his out of tune voice, it is not a pleasant experience. I would love it if he could sing as it is far better than his shouting his head off that we normally get!
  4. White clothes. Now I love all my white outfits despite the fact that white is not always the best colour for the more voluptuous woman to wear. However, being as clumsy as I am, they are normally filthy within a couple of hours where I have sat on something or knocked something over myself!
  5. Sleepless nights. Yes, I get enough of those as it is, without the stifling hot air that hangs heavy in my bedroom, despite all windows being open. Having the fan on does not always help as it makes such a bloody racket which is very distracting!
  6. Bad hair days. My hair has a mind of its own and does not want to conform to any sort of style, but in the summer I have one look only; the sweaty, plastered to the head kind of arrangement!
  7. Sand everywhere. I have always been a bit fussy about this, even as a child. I hated being covered in clumps of sand after getting out of the sea, where it had stuck to me. I never wanted to eat the picnics Mum got out of the cool box as inevitably sand would have got into the sandwiches! That CRUNCH as I bit into it made me feel sick and even spoilt my appetite, which, I can tell you, takes some doing!

What do you find annoying about the summer?

#Sillysaturday Lady Garden — April 21, 2018

#Sillysaturday Lady Garden

I have teamed up again with the talented Sandra (or Daffy as I like to call her), from Wild Daffodil to bring you another bit of silliness this Saturday.  Sandra is incredibly artistic and creative, and I just love the images she has created out of shells, stones and flowers.

One of the nicest things about Sandra’s blog is that you never know what she is going to get up to next, from beach art to knitted wigs, and mandalas to making spirals in her garden.

Daffy has been a bit naughty this week, and of course, I need no encouragement. We hope that our fun offering this week tickles your fancy!

When it comes to tending the garden

It is purely a matter of taste

Preening and pruning the foliage

Will stop you from feeling disgraced!

Image courtesy of Sandr Dorey

With a bit of trimming and strimming 

You can create a real work of art

Perhaps a Bermuda triangle

Or maybe a cutesy love heart?

Feeling a little more daring?

How about a smart landing strip?

Or maybe just take the lot off

So, your pubes won’t get caught in your zip?

Something a little more special

Like a blingy, sparkly vajazzle

That’s sure to tart up the topiary

And give it that old razzle-dazzle!

However  you keep the lawn tidy

You mustn’t leave it too late

Don’t let it get too unruly

Or no one will enter the gate!

Seven Embarrassing Sexual Fails! — April 16, 2018

Seven Embarrassing Sexual Fails!

I thought I would share another post from my broken blog, Edwina’s Episodes archives.

Sex is fraught with the potential for embarrassment, and a good sense of humour very often ‘comes in handy’  (if you’ll pardon the pun) to deal with some of the most common cringe-worthy moments that most of us have encountered at some stage in our sexual shenanigans!

  1. Things are heating up, the pace is getting faster, and more passionate, then…. PARPPPPP. Oh No, someone has let one off! You both freeze as the horror of the moment sinks in; hopefully, things will resume pretty quickly afterwards and the mood is not lost!
  2. Ready for a bit of bedroom action, everything is going well….kissing and touching,  breathing is getting heavier, your body is responding to the sensuous caresses but something is not quite right. You have noticed that your partner has backed off just a little. You are getting to the point now where touching is not enough, and as you reach for him, you realise that he is not quite ‘ready’. This is a bit of a tricky situation. You could try other things to ‘perk things up’  but sometimes it is just ‘flogging a dead horse’, or you could sulk, turn your back and seethe! The other option, of course, is to just snuggle up together and reassure that it doesn’t matter.
  3. If you have quite sensitive skin on your face, this one could be a problem. After a long, long night of hot and heavy action, and hours of passionate kissing, you might wake up in the morning with what looks like friction burns on your chin! I have actually had this happen to me and have had to think up some pretty (lame) excuse at work the next day as to how I got ‘that awful burn’ on my chin.
  4. Waking up the next morning only to find there is a patch of blood on the sheets! Mother Nature had paid you an unexpected visit during the night. Mortifying!
  5. Feeling sick just when things are getting going. This is really awkward as you cannot enjoy what is happening if there is a possibility of puking all over your partner! They won’t appreciate it either.
  6. You have got a bit of unexpected child-free time that you decide to take advantage of during the day. You have a bit of ‘afternoon delight’ with your partner, and as you are lying together in the afterglow, you can hear sounds of kids playing outside. You realise that all the bedroom windows are open and that half the street probably heard what you have been up to. Cringe!
  7. Whilst showing off your agility and flexibility getting into all sorts of interesting positions, you are attacked by CRAMP. It’s no good, you twist this way and that way trying to alleviate it, then end up leaping up and hopping about yowling in pain as it won’t go away! Passion is killed!
#Sillysaturday Boobs — April 14, 2018

#Sillysaturday Boobs

Silly Saturday is back!

I have teamed up again with the talented Sandra (or Daffy as I like to call her), from Wild Daffodil to bring you another bit of silliness this Saturday.  Sandra is incredibly artistic and creative, and I just love the images she has created out of shells, stones and flowers.

One of the nicest things about Sandra’s blog is that you never know what she is going to get up to next, from beach art to knitted wigs, and mandalas to making spirals in her garden.

Here is a real treat for you this week. Daffy has made a brilliant pebble art pic, can you guess what they are?

Some are baggy and saggy

Some are perky and pert

Some are tiny little gnat bites

Some so big that they hurt!

#Silly Saturday Boobs
Image courtesy of Sandra Dorey

Some are flabby and floppy

Some are bouncy double Ds

Some are wrinkled and crinkled

Some hang down to the knees!

Some are always kept covered

Some are all over YouTube

Have you guessed what these are yet?

Yes! A nice pair of boobs!

****

If you enjoyed my poem, you may like to vote for my blog here in the Funniest Blog category. Daffy’s blog is also nominated for Most Informative (original content) Blogger which you can vote for using the same link. Check out all the other nominees too! 🙂

Lost For Words! — April 10, 2018

Lost For Words!

As many of you know, I really love words and the fun that can be had with them. However, as you get older (so I’m told), you might have a bit of job trying to remember a particular word that you were searching for.

How many of us have said,

“Can you pass me that…….thingummyjig’ or perhaps ” where is the …….oojamaflip?” Where on earth do these silly words come from? I know I often resort to ‘do-dah’ when I can’t find the word I need.

My step-father had a broad West Country accent and he would often say something like,

“Go and get the wha’s call it for I.”  He also had a lovely way of getting words mixed up as in ‘every Dick, Tom and Harry’ or better still, “pass I thick Amber Solamber, will thee?” Now, of course, he meant to pass the Ambre Solaire suntan lotion. Bless him, he always took it in good part when we laughed!

My husband is another one who can’t recall what he wants to say (well, he is even older than I am), and will refer to things as a ‘gizmo’ or ‘dooberry firkin.’

It’s funny though as most of these words we resort to when we can’t think of the right one, are probably about three times as long!

Man’s Best Friend, The Remote Control! — April 5, 2018

Man’s Best Friend, The Remote Control!

What is it with men and the TV remote control?  I am sure they think it is an extension of themselves, (another appendage or something) because trying to separate the two is nigh on bloody impossible!

When I was growing up, we only had four channels on the TV.  To turn it over, you had to get up off the settee, go over to the television and push the knob or button to turn it over.  Seeing as there was such little choice in TV programmes,  and no one could be bothered to keep getting up to turn over, it typically stayed mostly on one favourite channel.  My step-dad was the one who always chose that channel. As Mum was not that bothered. She liked to watch similar things to him, anyway.  We all watched what he wanted, and that was the end of it!

He couldn’t believe his luck as television became more sophisticated, and there was a remote control to play with (or ‘clicker’ as he liked to call it).  When cable TV came along, and there were extra channels to watch, it was a dream come true for a ‘Telly Addict’ like my step-dad.  He loved nearly all sports, had a fondness for a Spaghetti Western, became hooked on one or two soaps, and finally vociferously joined in with the quiz shows.  Oh God, he would berate the hapless contestants (Family Fortunes being his favourite) for their stupidity. He would SCREAM the answers out to the fools that couldn’t answer, repeating them louder and louder as if they could hear him, which used to drive me mad!  However, I always laughed when he said, “Goodnight” to the newscaster before he went to bed (my Nan used to do that as well)!!

The thing that was most annoying though was if, by chance one of us kids managed to get hold of the clicker and put Top Of The Pops or something on before he settled down for the evening.  We would be halfway through watching it,  only for him to come in, pick up the clicker and turn it over!  He did not care if we were in the middle of something, he would just flick it over.   We actually tried to hide the sodding clicker on occasion, but he would go ballistic turning everything upside down until someone found it.

I have discovered that my husband is also a remote control hogger!  (I think it has something to do with middle age, but I wouldn’t know, as I am not there yet).  I’ll be watching something, and when the adverts come on, he starts flicking about through the channels. I ask him to turn it back but by the time he does, my programme has already begun, and I have missed the first 2 minutes of it.  He also loves to mess about with the menus, so you end up watching a 2×2 inch square for 20 minutes or until he has figured out how to do whatever it is he wants to do!

I can see the similarities between my husband now, and how my step-dad was back then. The armchair (no one else is allowed to sit in it as it is in the best spot for seeing the TV), a handy table nearby on which to rest the obligatory cup of tea, and slippers waiting at the bottom of the chair.  The only difference is my stepdad’s ashtray on the table, and my husband ’s pouffe to put his feet up.  Other than that two peas in a pod, just 20 years apart!

Who has the remote in your house?

Ooops, I did it again! — April 2, 2018

Ooops, I did it again!

I am the undisputed queen of ‘putting my foot in it’, literally as well as figuratively! I seem to attract calamities, disasters and ooops moments with hardly any effort, and can make a fool of myself without any help, or encouragement whatsoever!

Often it is because I have misheard something, particularly on the phone. Once  I have asked the person on the other end to repeat themselves a couple of times, to make sure I heard correctly, I then confidently pass on the message, only to be greeted with a baffled look or stunned silence. For example, I took a call for my boss (he could give Mr Grump a run for his money) when I had not long started at a travel brochure company, I put the call through and informed him it was Mr X from PMT. When he had reluctantly taken the call, he came out of his office and roared at me that the caller was from TNT (the courier service)! I had thought that PMT was a funny name for a company but being new, what was I to know)?! Ooops!

In my younger days, I remember going out with my two sisters to a pub, I had dressed to impress, and we went to the bar to order our drinks. It was quite packed, but luckily there was an unoccupied bar stool next to me so I thought I would make use of it. Being a little short, I had to hike myself up a bit to get on it. Once I had plonked myself down, I realised I was not on it properly as it tilted dangerously to one side. As I attempted to right myself, I just ended up twirling around and around on one stool leg at a time. My sisters and some random bloke put their arms out to try to steady me, which eventually they managed to do. However, my pulling power was significantly reduced (actually it was zero), and we got out of there pretty soon after!

Weddings are the place where people like me can really shine in the glow of embarrassment! My sister and brother-in-law had a beautiful January wedding in a country house where we all stayed. As luck would have it, the weather was pretty clear on this day, and we went outside to have some group photos taken. I was really pleased with my outfit, but especially the expensive purple four-inch stiletto shoes which really set it off! As we were gathering for the family photo, my lovely shoes seemed to turn into ice skates on the decking where we were standing. I was slipping and sliding, falling madly with my arms windmilling, trying to keep my balance as I hurtled my way towards the rest of the group. The gasps and guffaws of the onlookers intensified my mortification, but I did manage to stay upright!

Ooops I did it again!
Just after I went skating on the decking in my high heels!

At my niece’s wedding breakfast after the speeches, I was to read out a poem that I had specially written for her and her husband.(It is something I have done for years for any special family occasion), Even though I am no public speaker and get really nervous, I got up to recite my poem.  Everyone was giving me encouraging looks as I started reading with my voice shaking. As I continued, I realised that my fancy headband was slipping a bit. I tried to surreptitiously push it back up and carry on, but I jerked a little bit, and it fell off with an almighty clatter onto the table, thus drowning out my words! I waited for the laughter to die down and carried on, cringing!

These are just a few of the many little trials I face on an almost daily basis. Even at work, I am not immune. I have tripped over more Zimmer frames than I care to remember, cleaned up countless puddles, where I have knocked over washbowls or jugs of water and gouged out tracks in the polished floor where I hadn’t taken the brake off the weighing scales properly when wheeling them along the entire length of the corridor! Luckily my colleagues know what I am like after all this time, but I remember when I hadn’t been there that long. I was walking along the corridor back to the ward from the toilets when the ward sister behind me called me and informed me that I had got my dress tucked into my knickers thereby showing off my big bum to all and sundry…Ooops!!!

My Favourite Fashions — March 29, 2018

My Favourite Fashions

[social_warfare buttons=” “]This post is one from the archives of my now defunct blog Edwina’s Episodes.

I came across the Daily Posts Prompt for today which was to write about fashions that you love, and what era they come from.

I am sure most of you know by now that I love the 80’s! Now, I actually like the music from that era, but at the time, I embraced the whole lot. The clothes, and the hairstyles, I even tried the make-up too, but I have never been skilled in that department, and the 80s makeup called for a lot of colour and a few hours to spare!!

The one thing I have always loved (and still do) is a bit of sparkle. If it has glitter and/or sequins then I am going to love it. At Christmas in particular, I would probably end up looking more garish than the Christmas tree fairy! As you can see from the photo, I was decked out in top to toe gold! The long, pleated skirt and vest top was made of this kind of smooth, slippery material. My hair was the result of a failed ‘spiral perm’ that was popular in the day, and the colour seemed to match perfectly with my outfit!

My Favourite Fashions
I look like I ought to be basted and put in the oven…

I seem to remember wearing a lot of shiny dresses in the 80s of bright, vivid colours, banana yellow being a particular favourite. There was a lot of variety around at the time, as I also used to love my frilly shirts, jeans and pixie boots. The jeans had red piping down the side, and we used to have these canvas belts of all colours that we would wear too.

Of course, there were ‘ra-ra’ skirts too. although I did have one of these I was not too keen as they didn’t seem to flatter anyone, and certainly made me look pretty dumpy.

Although my school was pretty strict, especially with regards to uniform, I did manage to get away with wearing a pair of grey corduroy trousers that I had taken in to make them even more of a ‘drainpipe’ style than they already were. Other than that I wore a pencil skirt, but me being me, got told off for ripping the split that was in the back of it even higher. I never was ladylike,  always running up stairs two at a time, with no thought for the confines of the skirt!  This led to more sewing when the teachers noticed and I got told off.

Looking back, some of the fashions seem so ridiculous now, but at the time I was in my element!

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