Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Episode 311: Standoffs and Scuffles As Election Fever Heats Up! — May 2, 2015

Episode 311: Standoffs and Scuffles As Election Fever Heats Up!

Miss Hap wanted to go into town today as she was pretty fortunate in getting some money for her birthday. We still had one of her friends with us from last night’ s sleepover, and off we all headed off.

As is the norm, we headed straight for Starbucks when we got there, which was packed, as it was mid-morning. The girls went in to get the drinks whilst myself and Mr Grump tried to find a table outside. We ended up sharing a table with a young woman as it was so busy. The girls of course, did not want to be seen with us so they sat inside.

Directly opposite us, a few feet away, UKIP (United Kingdom Independence Party) had set up a small stall. As we are voting in the General Election in less than a week. some of the candidates are still trying to persuade as many people as they can to vote for them.

They had a load of balloons tied to their stall, leaflets to give to the public, and cardboard placards with information on for those that were interested. Their actual candidate wore a rumpled  cream suit, and there were a couple of older women there giving out leaflets to passers-by. An old man hunched over, and a rather heavy-set middle-aged man were also milling about.

I didn’t really pay that much attention to them as I talked to Mr Grump, but a couple of ‘bangs’ had me looking over in that direction. Some gangly young man decided that he would enjoy himself by popping the balloons and knocking down the placards. Crumpled suit was nowhere in sight, but the old guy was straight in there pushing and shoving the young one around and getting irate. It looked as though he was going to swing for him and do himself an injury, as he was pretty unsteady on his feet.

Sensing a bit of action might take place, the heavy-set man waddled over and started wading in. From out of nowhere another youngish man joined them who was wearing a natty suit and tie. He too was trying to talk the youth out of destroying the stall, as it appeared that the young man objected to UKIP’s policies and he decided that it would be a good idea to show his displeasure by trashing the stall!

What made me laugh though, was it turned out that the man in the suit that had come over, was actually one of the ‘Green Party’ who had set their stall up a few feet further down the road. He had seen the disturbance, and thought that it would be a great opportunity for him to go over and persuade the balloon popper to vote for his party instead!

Talk about making the most of an opportunity!

Episode 225: Off Colour! — March 16, 2015

Episode 225: Off Colour!

That’s it, it’s official, Mr Grump is banned from doing the washing! It appears that he is unable to distinguish ‘light’ from ‘dark’ colours, and my fancy underwear has suffered as a result!

Due to the fact that I come home from work with an assortment of ‘germs’, (we have only just cleared the Norovirus from the Ward), we usually put our washing on a reasonably hot wash, hopefully killing off any malingerers!

I usually try to put the loads on myself in order that they are properly sorted out thereby reducing the chances of  colours running into each other. However, this weekend being Mother’s Day, I took the day off from the mundane chores. Big mistake!

Mr Grump’s strategy us to just put the entire contents of the washing bin in the machine on a 60 degree wash and see what happens! He has a penchant for living dangerously as far as my clothes are concerned, as this has happened before (always to my stuff I notice)!

Anyway, I had a really busy day at work today and came home tired. I noticed he had done the ironing which I was pleased about as I needed another dress for work tomorrow. Then I noticed. My lovely new underwear. I have only worn it a couple of times. It was a lovely light blue colour. It is now a grotty grey colour. I am bloody cross!

Actually, he is dropping me off at work tomorrow. Good. As he has the car, he can go into town and buy me some more. Well. at least I will gain something from it!

Episode 204: Patience With Patients! — March 7, 2015

Episode 204: Patience With Patients!

One of the things us nursing staff get told a lot by some of  the relatives is that,

‘you have the patience of a Saint, I could never do your job’. It is strange how much our patience varies depending on who we are dealing with and what the situation is…..

On Thursday and Friday I was working in my normal Bay, and one lady in particular was pretty ‘vocal’ . Now she is 97 years old and extremely deaf (the hearing aid she wears has a flat battery I think) so she talks at FULL BLAST. Now she had been a moved to my bay from a side room as she did not like to be on her own.

I was checking that each patient was eating their breakfast when I noticed she hadn’t even got any. So I asked her why not. After repeating the question several times increasing the volume until she could hear me she replied

” I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THAT MUCK YOU SERVE HERE, IT’S ALL A LOAD OF RUBBISH!”

Fair enough , but she had to eat something so I asked if she liked bacon which she did, Great, good start. “Sausage?”

“NO I DON’T BLOODY LIKE SAUSAGES!” Fine. “Eggs?”

“I ONLY LIKE FRIED EGGS, NOT ANY OTHER KIND”.  I assured her that I would get her some bacon and  fried eggs and trotted off to phone the kitchen.

Now there were two of us in the Bay and only five patients at this point as one of the beds was closed and we were not able to take any new ones in. Luckily most of the other ladies were either feeding themselves or being helped by the other nurse.

I placed my order with the kitchen and in due course one of the staff appeared carrying a tray. I was disappointed to see that there was scrambled egg with the bacon that I had ordered even though I had specifically asked for a fried egg. I tried my luck with my patient anyway!

“WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT? I TOLD YOU I DON’T LIKE THAT SORT OF EGG. WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN?”

I tried to explain about the kitchen sending up the wrong egg and I would change it but no, she was not having it. I tried offering a bacon sandwich, Nope. She was not having it and I was severely berated for my incompetence for good measure as well.

Annoyed with the kitchen I phoned the help desk again (yes we can’t phone direct, everything is through the helpdesk). I explained what had happened and they told me that as the meals were pre-prepared it may not have been possible to have a fried egg due to their not being enough staff to make one.

Fuming, I was muttering to myself about how I could go down there myself and cook the bloody egg. How hard is it to cook a fried egg for Christ’s sake?! It’s not as if it takes long.

Anyway, my patient was mad now, and refused to eat anything. I knew this was not going to bode well at wash time – and it didn’t! She had come in with no toiletries so I had put some of our soap in her washbowl and brought some disposable wipes over to wash her with.

“YOU ARE NOT COMING NEAR ME WITH THOSE! WHERE IS MY SOAP AND FLANNEL?”

I explained that they were at home and that I would have to use our stuff for now. She was not happy but did finally agree to let me help her, and also get her dressed in her own clothes that someone had just brought in for her.

“WHERE IS MY VEST”?

“It is just here”

“GET OUT OF MY BLOODY WAY , I WILL DO IT”

“Ok. here it is”

“TIGHTEN MY SHOE”. NO NOT LIKE THAT, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?. THAT STRAP IS NOT LEVEL.”

“Sorry, let me try again”

“NOOOOOO, I SAID TIGHTER!”

This went on for a bit until I got it right. She did have a sandwich an hour after the failed breakfast attempt, but when a visitor came, she told them she had ‘nothing to eat, and her hair wasn’t brushed’ (actually it was because I did that wrong and suffered her wrath for it). She also told the visitor how much worse she felt since coming into hospital because of the appalling way we looked after her!

Now I know that by the end of a very long two days (I have amalgamated them into one so you get the gist) my patience was wearing a bit thin, but it is my job to look after my patients, and actually as gruff and crabby as she was, we did actually get her to laugh, and I got a lovely hug from her!

Now if Miss Hap had tried any of that kind of talk with me, things would have been very different!

Episode 173: Dodgy Hair-Don’ts! — February 21, 2015

Episode 173: Dodgy Hair-Don’ts!

We’ve all had those days… you’re feeling a little down in the dumps, and need cheering up. You decide on a whim to go and get a haircut. After all, if your hair looks good then you feel good. Only your hair doesn’t look good. Someone is going to pay!

Apparently, a gentleman in the USA had this problem. He went to have his hair cut , but was not pleased with the results or the price so he did what any other sane person would do…. and trashed the salon, kicking a hole in the wall and chucking a candle display about. He also got a bit angry with the staff, feeling that he was ripped off after being charged $50 for the new do! He had the cheek to return later and asked for a re-style, The staff refused and he got arrested!

Oh I admire his nerve! I have had my fair share of bad haircuts in the past. Remember when the spiral perm was ‘in’? All those lovely corkscrew curls cascading down your back. I was desperate for one. I had long hair which was neither straight nor curly (kinky is the word). Anyway, I saved my money until I could afford it and trotted off to the salon in excitement.

I was a bit concerned that the hairdresser was doing my hair in exactly the same way as they would a normal perm, but kept quiet as I know nothing about hair. Anyway  a good few hours later and the finished result…..a much shorter, frizz bush of a hairstyle which frankly, looked awful! Not for me the long, lustrous, twirly curls I had anticipated. Of course I said nothing and left considerably lighter in hair, and in pocket!

The other occasion was getting my hair highlighted. Again I had very long hair, but I thought it needed a bit of a lift and highlights were going to do just that. I decided that I would save myself a bit of money (it’s not going to end well) and go as a ‘model’ at the salon.

This meant that a student would be let loose on my hair but would be supervised every step of the way by a senior stylist. It would cost a lot less too. Great, I trotted off, this time expecting that I was going to come out with brighter, shinier blonde hair, with that ‘natural’ sun-bleached look.

The student was very lovely, a little nervous, but that was to be expected. The first thing was she asked me to stand up whilst she brushed my hair through as it was long and kept catching on the back of the chair, I did this, but felt a little self-conscious. The next thing was she put one of those  caps on my head (I could sit down now) with holes in, Funny. I thought I was going to get some foils.

The supervisor glanced over now and again but without concern, so I just let the student get on with it. It was pretty hard to keep quiet though when she dug that crochet hook thing into a hole in the cap and dragged a long strand of my hair through. It did make me wince a bit. and my eyes water rather a lot, nor to mention the odd ‘owww’ and ‘oooh’ that escaped during the torture procedure!

Eventually, several hours later I exited the salon with hair exactly the same shade as when I went in and a bloody sore head! Of course when asked what I thought, I wimped out and said it was lovely (and gave a tip)!

I’m a lot older and wiser now and much more assertive so wouldn’t put up with a dodgy haircut now. However, bad it may look, I still wouldn’t be kicking holes in the walls though!

Episode 146: Compelled to Complain! — February 6, 2015

Episode 146: Compelled to Complain!

I am one of those people who doesn’t like to complain. I put up with the inconveniences of everyday life with a shrug and a sigh, resigned to shoddy service, and rude salespeople, until it comes to food that is………

Thinking about it, the only times I have felt compelled to write a letter of complaint is when it has been something to do with feeding my face! (That must tell you a lot about what kind of person I am)!  Yes, I am a glutton who enjoys her food, and gets cross when it is not up to my expectations. Now I am not overly fussy, I just like things to be as promised on the menu/packaging.

You may have seen my Ode To Cadbury’s poem yesterday. Well guess what?, I sent it to their head office to have a ponder on.They have to realise that they can’t get away with palming us off with smaller sizes. It just won’t do, and it’s just not British!

I remember once treating myself to one of those tinned steak and kidney pies (extremely unhealthy I know, but I love the pastry…and the meat…well I love the whole thing actually). Anyway, it had been quite a few years since I had one and I was soooo disappointed. There was about 2 small chunks of meat in the entire pie! The pastry tasted different as well. That was it, i got the details off the tin and fired off an e-mail to their customer services department.

I did get my point across, but In rather a jokey manner (after all it was only a pie, not a dud piece life-saving equipment or something). Surprisingly. I got a reply as well along with a couple of vouchers for the company concerned (not that I was going to get another of their pies, but I did get another product). It was then that I realised that it wasn’t this particular brand of pie that I used to love; the packaging was very similar but it was a totally different company! Ooops!

What compels you to complain?

Episode 140: Under My feet… — February 4, 2015

Episode 140: Under My feet…

Mr Grump has had a rare day off work today (he is trying to use up all of his leftover holiday before April)and it is driving me mad! I am enjoying my days off thank you very much and I don’t want them interfered with!

Firstly, he dared to have a lie-in until 8am! Oh yes, it’s alright for some. I was up at bloody dark o’clock as usual (5am) leaving him and the dog snoring happily. He only got up then because I couldn’t find Miss Hap’s phone, and had to wake him up to find out where it was (It turned out it was behind my laptop, oh dear)!

I had asked him yesterday to phone up about my car as it was taken away Monday to be fitted with a catalytic converter by one of his ‘mechanic friends’ (regular readers might remember he resembles ‘Einstein’ with  his wild grey hair and mad professor persona. He apparently couldn’t get through, so I asked him again to do it today.

He huffed and puffed about it, but he has to get up tomorrow to take me to work . so it is to his advantage that I get the car back. He did eventually phone whilst we were in town having a coffee, then had the audacity to show me up, by telling ‘Einstein’ that I was nagging about my car! He didn’t even ask him anything and was off the phone in  no time telling me it will be ready by the end of the week.

Oh that is very helpful! Still I know he will be phoning up every 5 minutes on Friday to see if its ready. Oh yes. I am working at 7.30am Saturday morning, and the Rugby 6 nations is on Friday night, which he wants to watch whilst having a few beers! It is a bit of a grudge match in that England are paying Wales (he is Welsh). No doubt he will be drowning his sorrows when Wales lose and will not be wanting to get up early on Saturday to take me to work).

He then puts his crappy TV on and settles himself down, but luckily my niece came over to visit, and we had a nice girly chat whilst he tried to listen to his programme. He had to go out and start dinner anyway as he had prepared his wonderful ‘cow pie’ and wanted to make sure it was cooked properly!

Once my niece had left  Mr Grump wanted me to finish off making my daughter’s tuna pasta salad (she won’t eat the pie).  Normally he doesn’t like help in the kitchen and I was cross because I had just got myself comfy in my pyjamas.

I reluctantly ventured into the kitchen. to see to the pasta salad. I couldn’t get the stupid mayonnaise out of the squeezy bottle, so I shook it viciously, clouted it a couple of times…..and ended up spraying it all over my hair, face and pyjamas as it spurted flatulently out of the bottle……I wish he would bugger off back to work!!!

Episode 27: Smokefree but not stress free!! — October 28, 2014

Episode 27: Smokefree but not stress free!!

Things are a bit fraught in our house at the moment!…. Myself and Mr Grump have managed to give up smoking, and today we have completed the ‘Stoptober Challenge’. Twenty-eight days without a cigarette.  That probably doesn’t seem like much to most people, but I know for me, I have struggled through each minute of every day, especially the past week as I decided to get rid of the patches early so I  could be nicotine free sooner.

The fact that I am pretty clumsy at the best of times and Mr Grump is pretty… well, grumpy at the best of times does not make for a harmonious atmosphere when nerves are stretched already. . Take yesterday for example.. I went to draw the curtains in the evening, and not knowing my own strength pulled the whole bloody curtain track down! That put not only me in a temper but also Mr Grump because I asked him to fix it! He huffed and puffed but got up to do it, asking me to hold one end of the track whilst he put the other end back up. Problem was, I am pretty short, and even standing on the settee, I couldn’t hold it high enough for him. Annoyed but undaunted he started to put his end back up, but got a bit heavy-handed and snapped off one of the clips that he needed to attach the track to.

That did it! He was swearing and muttering as I stood behind him, shoulders shaking, desperately trying to hold in my laughter as I knew it would make him worse. Unfortunately I did a bit of a snort, and was busted! “Oh it’s alright for you standing there chuckling, go on, get it out of your system”, he scowled. So I did; he meanwhile continued putting the curtain track back up stony faced – in silence, There was a little bit sticking out in the middle where the broken clip was, but I said nothing… deciding to save that little repair job for another time.

I know that giving up smoking is better for us all in the long run, in so many ways. Myself and Mr Grump have struggled through a nicotine free month still in one piece, Miss Hap, Bless her is really proud of us both for sticking to it, and that in itself makes it all worthwhile….Having said that, sitting here drinking my tea I still feel there is something missing, and there is still a part of me that is saying, “right I have done the challenge now, Sod it, give me a fag!!”

Episode 19: Patch me up and I’ll be ok!! — October 10, 2014

Episode 19: Patch me up and I’ll be ok!!

Today has been a bit of an odd day really. I’m on day 9 of not smoking, and I am so pleased that I have managed to make it this far without caving in to temptation….

Today I was working in a different bay to where I normally work, (but a change is a good as a rest), so after greeting everyone with a cheery ‘Good morning,’ it was time to make sure everyone had eaten their breakfast and see if they needed anything before I started on the drugs round. The care worker,  who was working with me , asked if I could help her to get one of the ladies onto a commode, as she was a little tricky to transfer with just one person.

Of course, I put on my pinny and gloves and we both helped to get the patient on the toilet…As I turned around, I noticed a few small, brown deposits on the floor, oh dear, my poor lady had a bit of an accident. I warned my co-worker to be careful, of the mess on the floor, but it was already too late; one of the deposits was a bit smudged and flattened, and as realisation dawned on my co-worker, she held up her foot for inspection, and sure enough she had trodden in it.. and due to having rather deep treads on the underside of her shoes, it had become ingrained deep in the crevices, as well as the couple of blobs that were on the side!

I stifled my laughter as I went to quickly retrieve some clinical wipes to clean up the mess. My co-worker’s face was so comical as she stood balanced on one leg as  I scrubbed at her shoe. Still if this was going to be how the day started, it did not bode well…

However we managed to get through the morning with no further  incidents, but I was feeling a bit twitchy. I had been out to break with the smokers earlier, and we went to the usual bench, which today, was unoccupied, due to it having rained earlier in the morning. However, we had come prepared, and laid out our incontinence pads over the wet seat to keep ourselves dry.I watched enviously today as they fitted in as many cigarettes as they could ,as well as their food, as I really wanted to join them in a cigarette. (I can’t get my head around the fact that I am a NON-SMOKER now).

I resisted the urge of course, and stomped back to work feeling a little disgruntled. After a while I was told that they were giving out flu jabs outside the ward, and as I have had 2 lots of lurgy recently I decided that it might be a good idea for me to get the jab, I joined the end of a massive queue, and whilst waiting I tried to remember which arm I had put my nicotine patch on so that I could get the jab in the other one.I couldn’t find it….I got the jab anyway and went back to the ward.

I saw our ward clerk and I asked her if she could see it on my arm. She couldn’t either so in the end I had the zip on my dress half undone, with her patting me down looking for this bloody patch…No, it was not there! That was why I was really craving a cigarette today, I wasn’t usually this bad. Once I had got over the initial panic of not having my patch on where I roared out to anyone who would listen “I have lost my patch, and I have not smoked for NINE days”. I couldn’t bear the fact that I still had a few hours left before I could get home to replace it, and I did not want to blow all my hard work,

I saw the boss out the corner of my eye and decided that perhaps I had better calm down and sort myself out. I slunk into one of the offices where we write out notes, and set about filling out a long and complicated  form that was needed for one of my patients. By the time I had finished that, the craving was gone and normality resumed for the rest of the shift. It’s a shame that being smoke-free is not stress-free!!

Episode 16: Let’s Hear It For The Boys! — October 6, 2014

Episode 16: Let’s Hear It For The Boys!

Usually I like to get up early, but this morning when my phone alarm went off at 5.15am I wanted to pulverize it into little pieces, and sink back into a deep sleep. As I had very little sleep over the weekend, my head felt heavy, as I dragged myself out of bed to begin the day.

Unfortunately, I had to wake Mr Grump up as he was taking me to work today as Einstein was going to be fixing my car. His bulging eyes in a blanched, pale face told me that he still had his man flu, and just to confirm this, he let out one of his enormous sneezes. This is going to be a good day, I can tell……

As I entered the ward I realised I had forgotten to put on my belt with my uniform (Great, now I am going to be in the shit with the boss)! I might have mentioned before that I have no waist, so this bloody belt does nothing for me anyway, and I spend all day trying to re-arrange it so that it is somewhere around my middle. I could of course, wear the  tunic and trousers but for some obscure reason, I always get an ugly-looking rash on my lower leg that itches like hell, besides the fact that I look even worse in trousers than I do in the dress! Anyway…it was no good fretting over the belt, I was not brave enough to ask Mr Grump to come all the way back with it, so I would just have to hope that it went unnoticed.

Handover arrives, and out of the six of us that have turned up (Still short-staffed as usual), four of us have had this awful lurgy, and as the night staff tried to hand over, they were drowned out by various, snorts, sniffs, coughs and splutters, that had still remained with us. The other two poor unaffected staff are subtly moving their chairs out a bit from the table we are all sat around, trying fruitlessly to avoid the germs that are no doubt whizzing around in the air, looking for someone new to latch onto.

I was allocated to my usual Bay with six ladies, but the difference was this time, I was on my own! Usually there are at least two of us to a Bay, but as there weren’t enough of us to go around, and my bay was relatively easy, as I had 2 patients that could get about to the toilet, and could wash themselves with only a little help, it was decided that I could manage by myself, and if necessary ask the nurse-in-charge to help out.

It started off ok, breakfasts eaten, drugs administered, washing equipment given to those that needed it etc, and I was just going to give some help to someone else that needed it, when I was distracted by a patient from another Bay who was desperately trying to escape from the ward by the exit, which is right next to my bay. The nurse looking after her was trying to coax her back away from the door, but she was not having it, and lashed out at the nurse with the small teddy that she constantly carries around with her.

I tried to help, but to no avail, she was pulling at the doors, and banging on the glass trying to get out (we have a code to get into our ward as the doors have to be locked to stop absconders, and to get out you have to press a button on the wall some way from the door). Meanwhile, people were trying to get through the doors so there was a lot of dancing around trying to stop her getting out, whilst letting people in, trying to avoid getting whacked by the teddy at the same time!

After a while the patient got annoyed with the doctor who was innocently  reading some notes near to where she was standing, and once she had vented her spleen at him, she seemed to temporarily calm down and headed off back down the ward away from the door, swiftly followed by the harassed nurse, looking rather bedraggled as a few well-aimed blows had managed to dislodge some of her hair that was carefully tied back.

Normality resumed for a while and I got on with getting everyone washed,dressed, beds made, and helped them to sit out on their chairs, as it was by now nearly lunchtime  I could hear some shouting coming towards me , and I knew that it was the same patient coming back to have another go at getting away, this time even more angry and determined than before, and she was sparing no-one that tried to stand in her way…

It was at this moment,, that a senior matron came onto the ward, with about 10 eager Italian nurses in tow, who had just been employed by out hospital, and were visiting various wards to get a feel for what work here is like…luckily, the patient’s husband (who had been called to try to calm her down),had turned up, and had whisked her off into an office, uttering soothing words, as he went. It didn’t last that long before she started shouting at him though, before she wore herself out, and went to her bed to sleep for a while.

I managed to get through the rest of my shift (I usually only work ‘short days’) uneventfully, and just as I was writing up the last of my notes, the ward phone rang and it was for me. Mr Grump had come to pick me up and was waiting outside ( I know he is ill but it was bang on finishing time, and there was no need to ring me on the ward phone, for goodness sake) Impatient to get going and get home where he could suffer in peace,  I informed him that I had offered for him to give the ward clerk a lift home as we had an unexpected downpour; as she had a 30 minute walk, and would get soaked, I knew he wouldn’t mind dropping her off in the opposite direction to where we live, on a very busy road, with a huge school that had just finished for the day, culminating in a massive traffic jam!

Credit where it’s due, he put a smile on his face and even chatted a bit on the journey, and didn’t  swear when a van pulled out of a side street and he had to jam on the brakes to avoid it!

It’s quite sweet really, that although we might take our partners for granted a bit, they do put up with a lot. That poor patient’s husband bore the brunt of her tongue lashing as well as a good few clouts from teddy, with patience and understanding, even though it really hurt him to see her like that… and although Mr Grump does love to have a moan about everything, he was good enough to take me to and from work although he didn’t feel like it at all.

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