Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Faking It — December 6, 2017

Faking It

I thought I would have a little fun today, with a poem about ‘faking it’. Meg Ryan has a lot to answer for!

The kids, at last, are sleeping

Your  partner’s in the mood

He’s nibbling on your earlobe

But you’d rather have some food!

You try to get your groove on

As his kisses get more urgent

He’s yearning for some loving

You’re thinking about detergent!

Your top has been unbuttoned

And he’s just unclasped your bra

You moan when you remember

That you forgot to tax the car!

The rest of the clothes are discarded

You need to show some willing

He lays you on the carpet

Now your bloody back is killing!

The rhythm is getting faster

You moan and sigh for good measure

The carpet burns have put a stop

To you having any pleasure

You feel the rush, and he relaxes

All happy now and sated

Whilst you are feeling quite put out

-Sex is so over-rated!

Episode 501: 3 Day Quote Challenge Day 2: — September 16, 2015

Episode 501: 3 Day Quote Challenge Day 2:

Thanks to the lovely Erika for nominating me for the 3 Day Quote Challenge. Please check out her blog for a mixed bag of delights, she has lots to offer!

My quotes are centred around humour this time as it is something that is very important to me. This particular quote says it all as far as I am concerned!

Sex and humour are the heart and lungs of a good relationship.

-Rosamund Lupton

The rules of this challenge are as follows:

  • Thank the blogger, who nominated you.
  • Publish 3 quotes on 3 consecutive days in your blog. It can be your own, or from a book, movie or from anyone who inspires you.
  • Nominate 3 more bloggers to carry on this endeavour.

My nominees today (should they wish to accept it)

Nutsrock

Vanbytheriver

AimerBoyz

Episode 497: Tuesday Tidbit: Sexting (18+) — September 15, 2015

Episode 497: Tuesday Tidbit: Sexting (18+)

I’m not very good at this sexting

Just not cut out for it at all

For a start I write everything longhand

It would be quicker just to give me a call!

When asked “what are you wearing?”

I reply, “How kind of you to ask”

Just my scruffy old leggings

Instead of a sexy black basque.

I know I need to talk dirty

To get my man in the mood

But my parents’ strict upbringing

Has taught me those words are too rude!

The texts I’m receiving get hotter

Oh Christ, think of something to say

“Yes. I’m massaging my boobs as you asked me

And by the way, how is your day?”

Oh, that’s it. I’m rubbish at this game

I think I just might push my luck

And cut straight to the action

And ask if he fancies a …

Nope! Still can’t do it!

Episode 453: Wacky Word Wednesday #14 — August 12, 2015

Episode 453: Wacky Word Wednesday #14

Woo-hoo, it’s Wednesday again and time to polish up another word that it can shine in the spotlight. I seem to have already got a bit of a theme going this week, so will continue in the same vein. I am sure it is of no surprise to you that this week’s word is..

Debauchery. Yes, let’s go on a bender and have a blowout with this word; live life in the fast lane and burn the candle at both ends. It is gluttony, gorging on goodies, an orgy of overindulgence and feasting on festivities.

Getting down and dirty in the depths of depravity, frolicking and fornicating. It is having your cake and eating it – as well as everyone else’s. Drinking and dancing, revelling in ribaldry, a lusting for life!

Actually, it sounds like a bloody good night out to me!

Episode 452: Tuesday Tidbit. Illicit Love (18+) — August 11, 2015

Episode 452: Tuesday Tidbit. Illicit Love (18+)

Meaningful glances across the room

Secret smiles and a wink

A slight nod of the head signals that now is the time

To make an escape from the crowd

And go somewhere more private…

A hand reaches out and pulls you in

Now you can feast on your desire

Fevered longing, unleashed

Hands, frenzied, groping

Tugging at zips, pushing down straps

Hungry mouths with tongues entwined

Pushing up clothes

Pulling down clothes

The need for contact

Skin against skin

Wanting more

Panting

Thrusting

Sighing

Probing

Faster

Biting

Faster

Clawing

Faster

Nearly

Deeper

Moaning

FASTER

Coming

Straightening clothing

Smoothing hair into place

Putting the ironing board back

That got knocked over in the process

Checking the coast is clear

Sneaking out one by one

Back to the party

No-one has noticed

“Have you met my husband?”

Episode 444: Tuesday Tidbit Faking it (18+) — August 4, 2015

Episode 444: Tuesday Tidbit Faking it (18+)

The kids at last are sleeping

Your  partner’s in the mood

He’s nibbling on your earlobe

But you’d rather have some food!

You try to get your groove on

As his kisses get more urgent

He’s yearning for some loving

You’re thinking about detergent!

Your top has been unbuttoned

And he’s just unclasped your bra

You moan when you remember

That you forgot to tax the car!

The rest of the clothes are discarded

You need to show some willing

He lays you on the carpet

Now your bloody back is killing!

The rhythm is getting faster

You moan and sigh for good measure

The carpet burns have put a stop

To you having any pleasure

You feel the rush, and him relax

All happy now and sated

Whilst you are feeling quite put out

-Sex is so over-rated!

Episode 415: Tuesday Tidbit. Getting In The Mood. — July 14, 2015

Episode 415: Tuesday Tidbit. Getting In The Mood.

Things are heating up around here as I get ‘in the mood’ for my Tuesday Tidbit post. Speaking of which,  I am interested in knowing what ‘lights your fire’ when it comes to getting ready to get it on. Here are a few of the more obvious ones:

Setting the scene. Most of us are familiar with this old chestnut!  The candle-lit meal, good food, good wine, a bit of Barry White (or whatever floats your boat) playing soft and low. Something sexy for dessert, like strawberries or chocolate or both, that you can feed each other, or just have each other for dessert!

Watching a sexy movie together. Mind you be careful that you don’t go over the top and put on something hardcore that will scare your partner to death, thinking they are going to have a lot to live up to, or it might end up killing the mood! By the same token, a Disney movie is not going to get you very far either (unless of course, that just happens to be your thing)!

Give Each Other A Massage A sensual massage can be a great lead-up to a bit of loving. Hands stroking all over the body discovering all those sensitive little places…let’s hope that no-one is ticklish!

Having a Bath or Shower together.  This can definitely become very steamy; slippery soap, lathering each other up, especially in all those little crevices. Providing no-one burns themselves on the hot tap, or sits on the plug, then bathtime can be lots of fun! Just don’t over-fill it or there could be a bit of a tidal wave with all that motion!

Do any of these get you in the mood, or is it something else entirely?

Episode 406 : Tuesday Tidbit – Euphemisms 18+ — July 7, 2015

Episode 406 : Tuesday Tidbit – Euphemisms 18+

For today’s Tidbit post, I have decided to forego writing a poem as I have done for the previous couple of Tuesdays, and have decided to go for a bit of humour instead. (This heatwave is already far too hot for me to be adding it, by writing anything too raunchy)!

What I thought I would do is write a few of the popular euphemisms for sex that we use. be they coy or coarse, just for a bit of fun!

Rumpy-pumpy, and hanky-panky. – They sound so childish but I do love a rhyme.

Having a bit of ‘how’s your father’ – Very Carry On!

Slap and tickle – This sounds a little on the 50 Shades spectrum if you ask me!

Assault with a friendly weapon – God, how cringeworthy!

Bonking or humping – these just make me laugh.

Shagging – Yeah Baby! Very Austin Powers.

Making looooove – That always seems a bit smarmy to me, and a bit too smooth, very Mills and Boon! (I am more of a Jilly Cooper/Jackie Collins type of girl myself)!!!

Rogering – Very British!

Shafting or screwing – these sound too painful, as well as a bit DIY!

Dipping the wick – Sounds gross!

Which one is your favourite, or is it something totally different?

Episode 282: Fancy A Bunk-Up? — April 12, 2015

Episode 282: Fancy A Bunk-Up?

You are never too old for a bit of loving, and when you get to 82, you know a trick or two about the best places to go when you want to pick someone up for a bit of fun!

Now a lay-by on a busy road doesn’t spring to mind as a great pick-up joint, but this particular pensioner(named Mr Cockerill) knew his stuff, and after attending a meeting far from home, decided that he could do with a bit of light relief. He set off with high hopes and was thrilled to find that another vehicle was already there.

Mr Cockerill could hardly contain his excitement and decided to introduce himself to his prospective partner. The truck driver, a man in his 40s we rather surprised to suddenly find a face at his open window, and thought that the aged gent was in need of some help.

Mr Cockerill, meanwhile had spotted the bunk in the cabin, and was anticipating a bit of comfort as well as passion, and gestured to the truck driver, the cosy cabin. Unfortunately, he was a bit slow on the uptake judging by his vacant expression, so Mr Cockerill decided that he had better make his intentions a little clearer.

He put his hands through the window and gently caressed his way to the prize he was hoping to get. No luck! The stunned recipient of his amorous advances, suddenly came to and ‘nudged’ Mr Cockerill’s hand out of the way. Although he was taught to respect his elders, the driver did not appreciate the groping and called the police!

They duly came out to arrest Mr Cockerill. Apparently the truck driver  was totally unaware of the reputation of the lay-by for fun and frolics, and he was there awaiting to be loaded up with pig feed! Hardly the most romantic of reasons!

Mr Cockerill had got it very wrong in his assumption that he would have a bit of ‘afternoon delight’ and has now ended up on the sex register!

You couldn’t make it up!

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