Rhyme and No Reason!

Blogger, author and rhymester who likes to find the humour in life.

Ooops, I did it again! — April 2, 2018

Ooops, I did it again!

I am the undisputed queen of ‘putting my foot in it’, literally as well as figuratively! I seem to attract calamities, disasters and ooops moments with hardly any effort, and can make a fool of myself without any help, or encouragement whatsoever!

Often it is because I have misheard something, particularly on the phone. Once  I have asked the person on the other end to repeat themselves a couple of times, to make sure I heard correctly, I then confidently pass on the message, only to be greeted with a baffled look or stunned silence. For example, I took a call for my boss (he could give Mr Grump a run for his money) when I had not long started at a travel brochure company, I put the call through and informed him it was Mr X from PMT. When he had reluctantly taken the call, he came out of his office and roared at me that the caller was from TNT (the courier service)! I had thought that PMT was a funny name for a company but being new, what was I to know)?! Ooops!

In my younger days, I remember going out with my two sisters to a pub, I had dressed to impress, and we went to the bar to order our drinks. It was quite packed, but luckily there was an unoccupied bar stool next to me so I thought I would make use of it. Being a little short, I had to hike myself up a bit to get on it. Once I had plonked myself down, I realised I was not on it properly as it tilted dangerously to one side. As I attempted to right myself, I just ended up twirling around and around on one stool leg at a time. My sisters and some random bloke put their arms out to try to steady me, which eventually they managed to do. However, my pulling power was significantly reduced (actually it was zero), and we got out of there pretty soon after!

Weddings are the place where people like me can really shine in the glow of embarrassment! My sister and brother-in-law had a beautiful January wedding in a country house where we all stayed. As luck would have it, the weather was pretty clear on this day, and we went outside to have some group photos taken. I was really pleased with my outfit, but especially the expensive purple four-inch stiletto shoes which really set it off! As we were gathering for the family photo, my lovely shoes seemed to turn into ice skates on the decking where we were standing. I was slipping and sliding, falling madly with my arms windmilling, trying to keep my balance as I hurtled my way towards the rest of the group. The gasps and guffaws of the onlookers intensified my mortification, but I did manage to stay upright!

Ooops I did it again!
Just after I went skating on the decking in my high heels!

At my niece’s wedding breakfast after the speeches, I was to read out a poem that I had specially written for her and her husband.(It is something I have done for years for any special family occasion), Even though I am no public speaker and get really nervous, I got up to recite my poem.  Everyone was giving me encouraging looks as I started reading with my voice shaking. As I continued, I realised that my fancy headband was slipping a bit. I tried to surreptitiously push it back up and carry on, but I jerked a little bit, and it fell off with an almighty clatter onto the table, thus drowning out my words! I waited for the laughter to die down and carried on, cringing!

These are just a few of the many little trials I face on an almost daily basis. Even at work, I am not immune. I have tripped over more Zimmer frames than I care to remember, cleaned up countless puddles, where I have knocked over washbowls or jugs of water and gouged out tracks in the polished floor where I hadn’t taken the brake off the weighing scales properly when wheeling them along the entire length of the corridor! Luckily my colleagues know what I am like after all this time, but I remember when I hadn’t been there that long. I was walking along the corridor back to the ward from the toilets when the ward sister behind me called me and informed me that I had got my dress tucked into my knickers thereby showing off my big bum to all and sundry…Ooops!!!

I Can’t Stop With the #Halloween Limericks, a Zombie and a Mummy — October 30, 2017

I Can’t Stop With the #Halloween Limericks, a Zombie and a Mummy

I have been having so much fun in writing these little Halloween Limericks that I have a couple more here!

There was a young zombie called Zed

Who was sick of the life that he led

It  was no longer a treat

To feast on raw meat

So now he’s turned veggie instead!

 

A mummy as clumsy as could be

Kept hurting herself endlessly

Then she discovered

If her eyes were uncovered

She was actually able to see!

 

That is it with the limericks for now! You can check out the others here and here

 

#FundayMonday Oh, How I Wish I Was Graceful —

#FundayMonday Oh, How I Wish I Was Graceful

Today’s video poem is all about my clumsiness and ineptitude. I wish I were one of those women that always appears elegant and smart. No chance!

 

If you enjoyed those poems, and have time for a cuppa then you might like to check out my book Rhymes of the Times. It has many more poems like this and is perfect for dipping in and out of when you fancy a little pick-me-up.

 

 

Rhymes of the Times

 

Click here to be taken to my author page where you can purchase the book.

 

It’s So Awkward Being Me! — October 12, 2017

It’s So Awkward Being Me!

Don’t you just hate the type of women that always, without fail, manage to look perfect; from shiny, healthy, beautifully styled hair to their pedicured toenails! Unfortunately, I am not, and never will be one of those women, preferring to be awkward instead – but how I envy them!

Take how I dress for work, for example; aside from the very unflattering uniform, (which by the way, is the shade of grey that is achieved by putting a white and black item in the same wash on a high temperature; it looks dirty before I have even started). I never bother to wear any makeup (it would be pointless as I get soooo hot on the ward) and I usually put my hair up in a clip, so there is no styling involved. If I did make an effort to wear make-up and have some stylish up-do (which iI would have to get someone else to do anyway…I’m rubbish with hair),  then it would all be ruined within the first hour of me being there!

As I mentioned, I get boiling and, after a while of running around, the sweat is dripping down my face, which is bad enough (and embarrassing) without imagining what the result would look like if I had carefully made up my face. Not only would I have ghastly streaks down my face from rivulets of sweat spoiling the foundation, but no doubt, the mascara would run, causing hideous black, spidery smudges mingling with streaky foundation! ( I am there to try to help the patients feel better, not scare them into an early grave)!

Talking of work, I used to have a colleague called Jenny who was one of these perfect women. We used to work in the Operations department of a busy travel brochure company,  so could mostly wear what we wanted to work. On this particular day, she and I both turned up in identical outfits! We had on hot pink 3/4 trousers, a black top and black mules.

Neither one of us knew the other was going to wear the said outfit, and that was only the start of my humiliation!  Jenny is tall, willowy and blonde, and she looked fantastic. I am blonde, but that is where the similarity ends, as I am also short and chunky!  Needless to say, everyone commented on our outfits, and my other friend made it worse by calling us Bim and Bo (put it together and you get…the picture)!

Jenny and I became good friends, and used to go to the gym together during our lunch hour (why do I set myself up to fail)?! The day I  remember vividly (branded in my brain as one of THE worst embarrassing moments) started when both of us were on adjacent treadmills… We built up the speed until we were running. Just before ten minutes were up, I was gloating over the fact that  Jenny had slowed down and I had managed to keep up the pace! Well, we all know what pride comes before, and sure enough, I lost concentration and my footing.

I was flailing, desperately trying to stay upright..but no…BANG. I fell on the treadmill which was still going, and it resented my falling on it. So it spitefully chucked me right off and landed with a thud in a heap at the foot of one of the other exercise machines!

I sat there winded and rather red in the face, and my leg hurt and then, Oh no…here comes Mr Hunky Gym Instructor Guy. Great, I look like a right bloody fool. He comes over solicitously, helps me up and leads me off to the changing room to minister to my wounds, which I reluctantly showed him, ( I was dying of shame showing him my tree trunk legs, which were bruised and scraped)! No real damage was done so manfully (or womanfully) I decided to go back out there and workout on one of the machines.

awkward
Image courtesy of Pixabay

I chose the one where you could sit down, and use the weights to bring your arms backwards and forward( you can tell I am no Gym bunny as I don’t know the names of any of the machines). Anyway, there was a bloke that was working out opposite me who was giving me a bit of a funny look. I assumed he had seen my little ‘accident’ and carried on. He still kept glancing my way, and I knew it wasn’t a lustful look (God knows, if it was he must have been desperate)! I looked down and to my utter mortification, noticed that the underwire from my bra, had somehow broken free and was poking out of my top! That was it, time to go and never return!

Jenny, of course, looked as elegant and fresh when she had finished her workout as she had before she had started!!!

TJ’s Household Haiku Challenge – Shadows — February 28, 2016

TJ’s Household Haiku Challenge – Shadows

Graduation - Shadow!

I found it quite tricky looking for shadows to take part in TJ household challenge prompt this week, so have had to use a bit of creative licence (ok cheat a bit)! Although I did find a shadow in one of my photos that was great to use, it is not exactly a household one!

Graduation day,

The dean awaits me on stage,

Don’t let me trip up! 

 

 

 

 

 

Stream of Consciousness – ‘Finger’ — February 6, 2016

Stream of Consciousness – ‘Finger’

socs-badge-2015

Last month I took part in Linda’s Stream of Consciousness for the first time. I enjoyed it so much I have decided to keep on going with it!  Today’s prompt is ‘finger.’

I have got quite chunky fingers which to me are not that attractive. I have always loved long nails since I was a child and took  some time to ensure that they were always well-manicured and looked pretty;  I imagine it was to make up for the chubby fingers!

I also love rings. A girl has got to have a bit of sparkle and I used to wear nearly every one I owned at the same time! This meant that nearly every finger was adorned with  at least one ring, if not two! Again, I think this was to make up for the clunky fingers, as at least they looked pretty (well, to me at least)!

Then I got involved in nursing. No long nails and definitely no nail varnish! Oh, and not only that, only one plain ring allowed. Not a bit of sparkle to be seen. My poor hands. already like shovels were now naked and exposed!

Nails

 

Just Jot It January 31st – Clumsy — January 31, 2016

Just Jot It January 31st – Clumsy

jjj-2016

Today’s prompt for Linda’s Just Jot it January is ‘clumsy’ which, as you might have guessed, I suggested! It really was the first thing that came to mind.

Being clumsy ever since I can remember, doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, although I now just try and laugh it off. The more nervous I get, though, the clumsier I become, so meeting people for the first time or being in stressful situations can make me worse.

I remember years ago, staying at a boyfriend’s house for the weekend and meeting his family. The mother was very house proud and welcoming, so of course, I ended up knocking my coffee all over the carpet! His sisters rallied around, cleaning it up before I had chance to move, probably limiting any more damage that I might do. I was mortified.

Another time I remember was when I was being watched carrying out an aseptic procedure to be signed off by a senior nurse. That in itself made me nervous, but I had set everything out on the trolley, created my sterile field, and as I popped a bandage out of the wrapper, careful not to touch it, I squirmed when it caught the edge of the trolley and rolled onto the dirty floor! The stern glare from the Sister didn’t help my nerves either!

I could go on and on giving examples as there are so many, unfortunately, but I am sure you get the picture. Still, it has in the past, got me out of drying up the dishes!

 

Just Jot it January 18th – Elegance — January 18, 2016

Just Jot it January 18th – Elegance

jjj-2016

This is a great word for Linda’s Just Jot it January prompt today – ‘elegance.’ It is something that I am truly lacking in, but wish that I had.

I thought I would dig out a poem that I wrote some time ago for those of you that have not seen it yet, about my desire to be more graceful and elegant!

Oh how I wish I was graceful

and not a disaster on wheels

I trip over every obstacle

And my shoes have got broken off heels

I try so hard to be upright

But always fall flat on my face

My body is covered in bruises

From where I have fallen from grace

I long to be elegant and classy

But that is just not to be

Whilst others are sipping their cocktails

I’m knocking over my tea.

Life for me would be perfect

If only I was more chic

Instead of awkward and bumbling

And coming across as a freak

Oh how I wish I was graceful

But life is not very fair

So I’ll carry on being clumsy

And pretending that I just don’t care!

Bumping Along! — October 22, 2015

Bumping Along!

I am sorry to report that not quite two weeks into my new job, and only a week out on the road, I have had my first injury! Now as many of you know, I am pretty clumsy and am banging into things so often that it is almost an everyday event, not worthy of a mention.

However, yesterday morning I was to meet up with one of my senior colleagues in order to spend the day with her. As she was coming from a different direction, I was actually meeting her at the patient’s house about 10 miles away just after 8 am.

Of course, I love to be punctual (if not too bloody early) for everything, and had decided that once I had consulted Mr Sat Nav to see how long it was going to take me, and taken in the fact that it was pouring with rain, plus factored in the possibility of rush hour traffic that I should leave at 7.20.

Needless to say, I got there way too early at (7.45), but I spent the time productively loitering in my car catching up with the comments on my blog! I have a squeegee in the car for when the windows get steamed up, which I had used in order to see out of the windows when it got near the time to meet my colleague.

I chucked it into the little compartment just under the steering wheel and went to get out of the car. As it is a lot smaller than my previous yellow car, the squeegee was sticking out and dug right into my knee scraping off the top layer of skin in the process. Had I been on my own I would have uttered a few choice words and hopped around for a bit clutching my knee, but I wanted to try to look professional.

I plastered a smile (or rather a grimace) on my face as I greeted my colleague but was in such pain with the knee that I hobbled over to her, limping lopsidedly. Noticing her alarmed expression I mentioned that I had bumped my knee and laughed it off! I added as a little extra that I was ‘a bit clumsy’ which I immediately regretted as we were administering insulin to the patient! She must have been thanking her lucky stars that I wasn’t coming at her with a needle!

Wacky Word Wednesday — October 14, 2015

Wacky Word Wednesday

Well, this week I have managed to remember  that my ‘Wacky word Wednesday’ feature should actually be posted on Wednesday! I have got a hyphenated word for you this week (sounds posh, but is far from it) which I have heard right from when I was a little girl, and actually now refer to myself as being it, before anyone else gets in!

Cack-handed. This word is very often applied to left-handers such as myself but, is also ham-fisted, heavy-handed. awkward and inept. Someone who is incompetent and incapable. clumsy and cumbersome.

They are butterfingered and burdensome, bungling, and bodging everything up. Graceless and gauche are their middle names, as they barge about their business clomping about like cart horses, breaking things or knocking them over!

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