2017-11-10T00:00:00+00:00

A Sparkle as my Guide

November 10, 2017/Judy E Martin/31 Comments

I wrote this poem about depression; how it makes me feel and getting through the other side.

In the depths of darkness and despair

I feel so alone, like no-one is there

Surrounded by dangers unseen and unheard

Trapped and frightened, like a caged bird

Thoughts so jumbled, make no sense

But pain and heartache are so intense

From the world, I just want to hide

And keep my feelings bottled up inside

But wait, there is something that has caught my eye

It looks blurry through the tears I cry

Yes, it’s shimmering and shining bright

A distant glimmer, shaft of light

It seems so very far away

But I know I can draw closer day by day

From my dark corner there is hope

And support to help me cope

The light grows brighter every day

My world has gone from black to grey

I continue onwards, spirits rising

My soul had started re-energizing

I came through the other side

With just a sparkle as my guide.

***

If you suffer with depression, I have written a post with some strategies I use for coping that might help, which you can read here.

Just Jot it January 14th – Motivation.

January 14, 2016/Judy E Martin/54 Comments

‘Motivation’ is the prompt word we have for Linda’s Just Jot it January today. I would say that normally I am quite a motivated person. I know what I have to do, and can usually get stuck straight into it. I am a creature of habit and routines, so many of the mundane things I need to do are carried out on automatic pilot almost. I don’t need to think too much about it, I just get on with it.

When I took part in NaNoWriMo, I was not sure that I would be able to get the motivation to write every day in order to achieve the required word count at the end of it. It was something that I really wanted to achieve though and I wanted to keep up the enthusiasm and momentum that I had at the start of the month. I ended up setting aside a couple of hours each night purely for writing, no distractions if possible. That was my way of getting myself motivated, incorporating my writing into a routine.

Then depression sets in and it all goes out the window.

Isn’t is strange how just getting washed and dressed can seem like such a monumental task? Why bother, when it is easier to just sit around in pyjamas. Who needs to do housework? After all, it is only going to get messed up again, and everywhere is cluttered up anyway. Do I really have to go out and see people when all I want to do is stay at home and be on my own? I don’t feel like talking and smiling and ‘being nice.’ I wanted to get stuck into some sewing projects but have only had one or two days lately where I have had the oomph to get everything out and do it. I was pleased when I did make something, though. It was even a struggle getting myself to my CBT session (Cognitive behavioural therapy) as I was so anxious!

However, I still manage to find the motivation to go countless times to the kitchen and get myself a snack. I can also be sociable here in the blogosphere chatting with people and posting ‘funny’ stories and poems. I can even still play Candy Crush for a while.

Hopefully, my missing motivation will soon find its way back!

https://pixabay.com

It Found Me Again.

December 15, 2015/Judy E Martin/74 Comments

It creeps up unexpectedly

Just when things are going well

It digs its mighty claws in you

And drags you down to hell

There’s not always a trigger

To warn it is on its way

It is just ‘there’ in your head

When you wake up one day.

You try to get rid of it

And pretend that you’re ok

But it has got a hold on you

And will not go away

No one understands you,

Yesterday you were fine

How comes now you’re moody

And miserable all the time?

I thought I had you beaten

Or at least, kept you at bay

But you’ve come back to taunt me

And are here to stay.

https://pixabay.com/get/d503b4f6bab8e3197f00/1441643800/mail-440877_1280.jpg?direct

Episode 486: I Write Because….

September 7, 2015/Judy E Martin/36 Comments

As I may have mentioned, I am looking to expand my mind, and I thought I would sign up for the Writing 101 Course. We have been given the task of writing for between 15-30 minutes freestyle on why we have decided to write. I have decided to set the timer for 15 minutes.

The reason I originally started to write this blog was at my sister’s suggestion. She thought that I came out with some funny things at times and thought that I might be good at blogging. I had never even really heard of blogging at that time and wasn’t sure about what I would write either, but thought I would give it a go as I had nothing to lose (I certainly had no audience at that point)!

I had heard, that writing things down could sometimes be good for people who suffer from depression, so this also spurred me on to have a go, and Edwina’s Episodes was born. Well, it kind of evolved really. I was shy and not very certain of the reaction I would get so decided on going anonymously. At first I posted no pictures and used my middle name.

People slowly started appearing, and reading my blog after a while. Eventually, some of them even commented on it! I was beyond thrilled, as I never really thought I would have any interest other from my family, and that even they would get sick of it after a while!

Then I had more and more people visiting, and I had a go at NaBloPoMo during November which gave me a whole new set of challenges as well as a new set of friends.

Actually, this is now the reason I carry on writing! I love this community and the great people who are around me. Where else would I be able to have so many talented writers, bloggers, artists, poets, designers, crafters, and everything else in between all in one place? I have learned more than I ever thought I would, just by talking to many of you, I have seen so much generosity in so many forms by so many people on here, which is both humbling and heartwarming.

Although I have written many little poems and ditties and had them published. as well as a journal article I wrote whilst at university which was also published, I am not a writer per se, as I have never written a book, and rarely even a story, as I have a distinct lack of imagination unfortunately!

However, I am determined to have a go at some sort of writing (probably in the humour line, as don’t want to go too far out of my comfort zone) and that is why I have taken up the Writing 101 course. If I can’t do it, at least I have my blog and that I will not give up!

https://metrouk2.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/ad_179382921.jpg?w=620&h=411&crop=1

Episode 478: It’s all about Perspective.

August 31, 2015/Judy E Martin/42 Comments

I just had to share this story with you which you might have already seen on Facebook as it has been doing the rounds there at the moment.

A 21-year-old woman had her leg tattooed with the words ‘I’m fine’ which is depicted in the picture on the left. Now this might seem a rather odd thing to have tattooed onto your skin, but its message is much more than just those words.

As you can see from the image on the right, the same tattoo read from the woman’s viewpoint reads ‘save me.’ The reason for this is that she unfortunately suffers from depression, and although might look fine to others, is actually feeling far from it.

She wanted to show just how appearances can be so deceptive, as a person with depression does not necessarily go moping about with a sad face! In fact, I know from experience that I have tried to act as normal, cracking jokes and keeping up with conversations, when I have actually just wanted to go home and back into my little ‘cocoon.’

The whole point of her getting the tattoo was to share it publicly, in order to raise awareness of depression and somehow lessen the stigma that is often attached to it. I don’t know what you think, but from my perspective it is a pretty clever way of drawing attention to condition that is so often misunderstood, and not taken seriously enough.

http://www.fabulousafter40.com/5-tips-for-dressing-your-apple-shaped-body/

Episode 468: An Apple A Day……

August 22, 2015/Judy E Martin/84 Comments

Last week saw me at an appointment with a ‘Health and Well-Being Advisor.’ I am having a bit of trouble managing my weight still and am seriously lacking in motivation due to being in a bit of a low mood. Anyway, this, of course, is having a knock-on effect with my Diabetes and I am constantly getting other minor things wrong which are annoying.

Anyway, time to take things in hand and I trotted off, to be told what I already knew, that I was overweight and unhealthy. Unfortunately, things were worse than I had anticipated. I had reluctantly braved the scales that morning to see what the damaged was, and was not impressed with the figures, despite trying not to put all my weight on there and make it worse! The problem with having a big tummy us that you can’t see the display on the scales so my balancing act was not helping and I had to let loose the full load!

I was greeted by a very slim and smiley woman who assured me that we would be able to sort something out and get me into some kind of diet and exercise routine. My height and weight were measured (in metric, I had done it in feet and inches and stone as the figures were smaller), and then my BMI (body mass index), was worked out.

I had done enough of these myself on patients to know that the result was not going to be pretty and it wasn’t. Morbidly obese! Morbidly obese, Oh My God, how the hell did I let myself get into this state.

The next little treat was the hips to waist ratio. Christ, please let my hips be bigger than my waist….PLEASE! I jokingly mentioned that there was not a lot in it, and sure enough it was only 3cms. Again I joked that I had not been blessed with an hourglass figure. At least my hips were bigger than my waist…JUST!

These numbers were crunched on the computer and it was gauged on a coloured thermometer type thing. Needless to say, it shot straight up to the top which was not only red but had a sad face emoticon to add insult to injury! Well, actually that was not the only insult as there was an explanation as to each category and mine was ‘over fat.’ Over fat, How bloody rude! Kick a girl when she is down why don’t you.

She then wanted to see what my fitness levels were. What hideous torture have they got planned for me this time? I wondered. Luckily, it was just a sit to stand test to see how many I could do in 30 seconds. I actually passed this one with flying colours, having completed 15 when the average was 12. Mind you, thinking about it, who was it average for? Not some young athletic type I am sure of that!

The penultimate check was the good old body fat measure. I had to stand gripping what looked like a steering wheel device for the WiiFit, with my arms outstretched until it scanned me over and displayed my overall blubber content! Well, at least it was less than half!!!

Last but by no means least, was a questionnaire to assess mood. Well as you can imagine, it was right down there in the lowest quarter. It might have been a bit better if they had done that first, but I doubt it would have been by much.

I came home armed with charts and wheels and ‘My Fitness Pal’ app downloaded on my phone; my already low self-esteem in tatters!

Maybe this is just the kick up the arse I need to do something about it!

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/2d/15/a4/2d15a4b26f7360aef5054af51f3a29b5.jpg

Episode 443: Taking Advantage

August 3, 2015/Judy E Martin/33 Comments

I always try my hardest

When I am at work

I’ll do anything they ask me

And never skive or shirk

Yet everyday they ask for more

Way above my grade

At first I was so flattered

At the impression I had made

Little did I realise

They got so much more for less

All the responsibility

Not to mention extra stress

I cannot be promoted

Unless I start anew

But for now it’s ok

Till the newbies learn what to do

But God forbid I mention

That I still don’t feel that well

Always feeling tired

and generally like hell!

‘Perhaps we should get you checked out

To see if you are still fit’

Yet when there was no-one else

They didn’t mind a bit!

Episode 367: #BeWoW Post. I am OK With Me!

June 10, 2015/Judy E Martin/43 Comments

For our BeWoW post this week, Ronovan has suggested that we could write about being ok with ourselves.

This last year in particular, I have not been ok with myself at all. I have been knocked sideways with depression a couple of times, which meant time off work,frustration and anger at myself for not being able to cope, and lots of time spent wrapping myself up in a cocoon, shying away from being with others.

However, I have managed to break free of it (with the help of my doctor) in the last month and am feeling so much better. I am very lucky that I have such a great bunch of colleagues and an understanding boss, so going back to work was not as difficult as it could have been.

Work has been going really well, and there are a couple of exciting things on the horizon for me hopefully. This is particularly good news, as at one time, I was in a position where I didn’t know if I was ever going to get back to work, whether or not I even wanted to, or if I might lose my job anyway due to the time off. I realise how much I do love my job and that I am even quite good at it!

The fact that I have the daughter I always wanted, and a loving husband that knows me so well, and is so supportive makes life so much easier, as does having such a large family who I can rely on when I need to. This all contributes to making me feel more ok with myself as I know that I am loved, despite feeling to the contrary when I am in that awful slump.

I realise that there are still parts of me that I am not ok with, but that is the physical me, the outside which I am working on. The inner me is not that bad after all and I am finally OK with that!

Episode 90: Banishing The Blues…..

January 6, 2015/Judy E Martin/10 Comments

Today is one of those days….I am not feeling so great, as I have been fighting with anxiety for a while now, and it has temporarily won. However, I will take stock, re-arm and continue to fight until it surrenders…

In the meantime, I thought I would drag myself out of the inertia (I haven’t slept so much for ages) and try to make myself feel and look better by painting my toenails(the logical choice for someone who is severely lacking in motivation to do anything). I have recently bought some lovely polish and set about the job. Well I needn’t have bothered! The end result looks like it has been applied by a two-year old wearing boxing gloves! What a bloody mess, my toes have nice dark green blobs all over them. Some of which are actually on the nails as intended, but most are liberally dotted everywhere else!

I am however, going to try to do a bit of housework. God knows I am hard-pressed to want to do that at any time, let alone when I am feeling like this, but a fellow anxiety sufferer whose blog I follow, finds that she enjoys it, and it helps her,(as you can read here). So I will try and take a leaf out of Mary-Anne’s book and give it a go.

Mind you, I cannot get as excited about putting the rubbish out as she does. If there is one thing that annoys me, it is a full-up rubbish bin, and I usually ~~nag~~ ask Mr Grump to take it out. He will no doubt be pleased to be relieved of this duty for a while whilst I try out my cleaning rampage to see if that helps me fight the enemy!

I think having a positive attitude helps, and perhaps that is where I am always going wrong. It seems to be a bit of a trait in my family. I know both of my sisters have mentioned that they too seem to look on the negative side of things. It is funny, but it seems to be quite a difficult habit to get out of! That is something else I need to take in hand and gain control of.

Yep, I need to get myself up off of the settee. I have become far too attached to it today. I nodded off on it earlier, and woke up feeling cold and groggy, then lazed about watching TV which was pretty depressing. I notice that naughty Roxy (our dog) dived straight into the comfy corner spot as soon as I got up to use my laptop! She certainly doesn’t care if she sleeps all day.

I think I might dig out one of my favourite 80s CDs to blast out whilst I am cleaning up. I fancy a bit of Human League or Depeche Mode might lighten the mood… Well it’s time to stop procrastinating…off I go into the fray!

Episode 86: Goodbye To 2014!

December 31, 2014/Judy E Martin/10 Comments

Well 2014 has been quite a year for me in more ways than one! The beginning of the year started pretty quietly, nothing untoward. March was a bittersweet month, On the one hand Mr Grump got made redundant from his job,which was a major worry, and on the other, it was my graduation from University, which I was very excited about. It was a wonderful day seeing all of the friends I made, plus sharing the occasion with Mr Grump and my younger sister.

Luckily Mr Grump managed to find a job quite quickly which he loves, so it turned out to be a blessing in disguise that he lost the other one. We also had the results back from the eleven plus test that Miss Hap took. She passed with flying colours, which meant that she was eligible to go to the Grammar School. Everyone was so proud of her, and she herself was thrilled that she actually did it!

May was Miss Hap’s 11th birthday, and after a massive panic getting her a passport on time, she had a wonderful time in Disneyland Paris with her natural father, as well as the celebrations we had for her at home. Not long after this her place was confirmed at the Grammar, and we had all gone to have a look around it.

Then everything came crashing down for me, and I suffered a severe bout of depression which I could not shake off, I was unable to go to work (or even go out) for two months and it was an awful time for us all. Slowly,with a lot of help I got back on an even keel, and things returned to normal.

In October I decided to stop smoking, after 35 years (my entire adult life, plus some of my childhood as well). Although I am still smoke free, I have been tempted on more than one occasion to take it up again, especially as I kept getting throat infections, and other illnesses I thought I wouldn’t get as often being a ‘non smoker’!

A couple of weeks before I gave up smoking I took up blogging on the suggestion of my younger sister. This has proved to be a massive boost for me. I have really enjoyed writing the posts, although some have been silly, some serious, and one upset the school orchestra (oops), I hope that on the whole they have been funny or amusing which is what I intended them to be when I started.

I am privileged to have ‘met’ some wonderful people in the three months that I have been blogging. I cannot believe how supportive and friendly everyone has been to me. I didn’t know what to expect, so I was pleasantly surprised at the response I have had to my blog, I have also come across so many blogs that have touched me in some way, and I would just like to give some of them a mention, (Thanks to A Momma’s View for the inspiration):

Heels and a Toolbox

Nutsrok

Fourth Generation Farmgirl

The Girl Next Door is Black